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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted by CWMI
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Yep I blew it and I apologized.

I have to ask: do you think this makes it all better?

Course not, but I'm not gonna skip an apology.

Ironically, when I first got to Marriage Builders, I remember somebody posting to me and saying "Never underestimate the value of an apology."

Nowadays the posters offering advice understand a little bit better. smile


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Yes I am feeling justified in feeling angry right now.

Is that part of the Marriage Builders plan?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Oooh, the Hiltopper 'stew face'! You stewed? Really, Hill?

Knock it off. Your emotions are what they are, but dang, man, your actions are within your control. As a former outrageous rager, I can tell you that bringing your actions/reactions under control will do wonders for your emotions. I don't think you're as bad as I was (I was pure awful. Ever filled your spouse's car with mulch? To the roof? No? Just me, then...), and if I can get a grip, so can you.

I don't remember if I suggested anger management. With your stewiness, I would change my suggestion to assertiveness training.

Or try MB. Here, you get a twofer. Anger control and assertiveness rolled up in one tidy marriage-building machine. laugh


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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When I was fortunate to speak with Dr H he zeroed in on our issue immediately which is spending time together. He seemed to think that if we spent our UA time that everything else would fall in place. My wife is down, so am I, so that's what we are gonna do. Stewing, frustrations, and DJ's occur when I'm feeling neglected by my wife which is a result of not spending time together. So is sex. So is my wife not feeling connected.

During this time we'll get to duplicate what we do on Friday nights which is awesome. The fact that my wife agreed to do this is amazing. I thought she'd reject it, but I think deep down she knows that this is the only way out of this pattern.

I think that early in our marriage my wife was crying out to me to meet her needs and not neglect her, but neglect her is what I did, so she settled and made due by finding lots of girl friends and hobbies and went on with her life. So now I come back and realize I have a bad marriage and want to flip the switch tomorrow, start having my wife be "into" me, and have sex all the time. I wouldn't want to do it either. She'll come around though when she spends consecutive and consistent hours with me. It's just like running. You have to put in the mileage if you want to get better, there is NO other way to get there. Marriage is no different. We've been spending 3 hours a week training for a great marriage, yet we expect to show up on race day(which is every day) and run a fast time.


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This is great news, Hill! I like your running analogy - makes sense. And I'm really glad your wife is on board with spending time together.

Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
So now I come back and realize I have a bad marriage and want to flip the switch tomorrow, start having my wife be "into" me, and have sex all the time. I wouldn't want to do it either. She'll come around though when she spends consecutive and consistent hours with me.

This is great insight. And I know you know this: the time she spends with you needs to be 'safe' and 'pleasant' for her: no DJs or AOs at all, or it risks ruining the whole thing. It's kinda like a tall, cool glass of ice water....with a 'tiny bit of bird poop' in it....would you want to drink that? Me either. wink

You'll do great! Your attitude is fab, your plan is good. I am rooting for you guys!!


"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen

(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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Originally Posted by Zhamila
This is great news, Hill! I like your running analogy - makes sense. And I'm really glad your wife is on board with spending time together.

Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
So now I come back and realize I have a bad marriage and want to flip the switch tomorrow, start having my wife be "into" me, and have sex all the time. I wouldn't want to do it either. She'll come around though when she spends consecutive and consistent hours with me.

This is great insight. And I know you know this: the time she spends with you needs to be 'safe' and 'pleasant' for herboth of you: no DJs or AOs at all, or it risks ruining the whole thing. It's kinda like a tall, cool glass of ice water....with a 'tiny bit of bird poop' in it....would you want to drink that? Me either. wink

You'll do great! Your attitude is fab, your plan is good. I am rooting for you guys!!



Hill, have you read this one yet;

How to Make Your Wife Happy


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
Originally Posted by Zhamila
This is great news, Hill! I like your running analogy - makes sense. And I'm really glad your wife is on board with spending time together.

Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
So now I come back and realize I have a bad marriage and want to flip the switch tomorrow, start having my wife be "into" me, and have sex all the time. I wouldn't want to do it either. She'll come around though when she spends consecutive and consistent hours with me.

This is great insight. And I know you know this: the time she spends with you needs to be 'safe' and 'pleasant' for herboth of you: no DJs or AOs at all, or it risks ruining the whole thing. It's kinda like a tall, cool glass of ice water....with a 'tiny bit of bird poop' in it....would you want to drink that? Me either. wink

You'll do great! Your attitude is fab, your plan is good. I am rooting for you guys!!



Hill, have you read this one yet;

How to Make Your Wife Happy

Just finished. We both capitulate and don't like doing so. All it does is cause resentment for having done so and who needs that. I think the takeaway is to brainstorm. Each time something comes up where it is a win-lose situation I'm gonna attempt to come up with 2-3 other choices and see how she takes it. What might be particularly difficult is to recognize situations that are lose-win for her. I need to be sensitive to those too since I'm here reading this and she is not.


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
Originally Posted by Zhamila
This is great news, Hill! I like your running analogy - makes sense. And I'm really glad your wife is on board with spending time together.

Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
So now I come back and realize I have a bad marriage and want to flip the switch tomorrow, start having my wife be "into" me, and have sex all the time. I wouldn't want to do it either. She'll come around though when she spends consecutive and consistent hours with me.

This is great insight. And I know you know this: the time she spends with you needs to be 'safe' and 'pleasant' for herboth of you: no DJs or AOs at all, or it risks ruining the whole thing. It's kinda like a tall, cool glass of ice water....with a 'tiny bit of bird poop' in it....would you want to drink that? Me either. wink

You'll do great! Your attitude is fab, your plan is good. I am rooting for you guys!!



Hill, have you read this one yet;

How to Make Your Wife Happy

Just finished. We both capitulate and don't like doing so. All it does is cause resentment for having done so and who needs that. I think the takeaway is to brainstorm. Each time something comes up where it is a win-lose situation I'm gonna attempt to come up with 2-3 other choices and see how she takes it. What might be particularly difficult is to recognize situations that are lose-win for her. I need to be sensitive to those too since I'm here reading this and she is not.


You already have a mountain of resentment due to your unmet needs.

I was actually in a rather similar state to what you face, but rather than fight I withdrew. I found other things to do.


It cannot be win/lose, lose/win. If it is not win/win, YOU are going to gas out. When you gas out, the 'ol AO/DJ/SD Hill is going to rear his ugly head.

It is your responsibility to accept nothing less than win/win. And that means shelving anything that cannot be negotiated pleasantly until it can be negotiated pleasantly.


And, in the interim - focus on that UA time.



Part of that is intimate conversation, here is a refresher;


Quote
The Friends of Good Conversation

Remember how it used to be? You and your wife used to be fascinated with each other. You would support and encourage each other. Empathy and understanding were almost effortless. You had many common interests to talk about. Somehow, you need to resurrect the kindness, consideration, empathy and interest you once shared in your conversations with each other.

Once you can talk to each other like that again, you will be meeting one of each other's most important emotional needs: The need for conversation. And if you can learn to do it well, you will deposit so many love units that you will become irresistible to each other again.

There are ways to make your conversation great. I call these the Friends of Good Conversation. If you incorporate these friends into the conversation you have with your spouse, you will get out of your rut. The first Friend of Good Conversation is using conversation to investigate, inform and understand your spouse. You and your spouse have not begun to exhaust all there is to know about each other. But, for some reason, you have stopped investigating. Your conversation has become predictable and uninteresting as a result.

I suggest that you investigate the facts of each other's personal histories, present experiences and plans for the future. Also investigate each other's attitudes and emotional reactions to those facts. You are bound to each other, through marriage, in a partnership that requires you to navigate through life with skill and coordination. Without conversation you will have neither, and your marriage may crash.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
Originally Posted by Zhamila
This is great news, Hill! I like your running analogy - makes sense. And I'm really glad your wife is on board with spending time together.

[quote=Hilltopper1972]So now I come back and realize I have a bad marriage and want to flip the switch tomorrow, start having my wife be "into" me, and have sex all the time. I wouldn't want to do it either. She'll come around though when she spends consecutive and consistent hours with me.

This is great insight. And I know you know this: the time she spends with you needs to be 'safe' and 'pleasant' for herboth of you: no DJs or AOs at all, or it risks ruining the whole thing. It's kinda like a tall, cool glass of ice water....with a 'tiny bit of bird poop' in it....would you want to drink that? Me either. wink

You'll do great! Your attitude is fab, your plan is good. I am rooting for you guys!!



Hill, have you read this one yet;

How to Make Your Wife Happy

Just finished. We both capitulate and don't like doing so. All it does is cause resentment for having done so and who needs that. I think the takeaway is to brainstorm. Each time something comes up where it is a win-lose situation I'm gonna attempt to come up with 2-3 other choices and see how she takes it. What might be particularly difficult is to recognize situations that are lose-win for her. I need to be sensitive to those too since I'm here reading this and she is not.


You already have a mountain of resentment due to your unmet needs.

I was actually in a rather similar state to what you face, but rather than fight I withdrew. I found other things to do.


It cannot be win/lose, lose/win. If it is not win/win, YOU are going to gas out. When you gas out, the 'ol AO/DJ/SD Hill is going to rear his ugly head.

It is your responsibility to accept nothing less than win/win. And that means shelving anything that cannot be negotiated pleasantly until it can be negotiated pleasantly.


And, in the interim - focus on that UA time.



Part of that is intimate conversation, here is a refresher;


Quote
The Friends of Good Conversation

Remember how it used to be? You and your wife used to be fascinated with each other. You would support and encourage each other. Empathy and understanding were almost effortless. You had many common interests to talk about. Somehow, you need to resurrect the kindness, consideration, empathy and interest you once shared in your conversations with each other.

Once you can talk to each other like that again, you will be meeting one of each other's most important emotional needs: The need for conversation. And if you can learn to do it well, you will deposit so many love units that you will become irresistible to each other again.

There are ways to make your conversation great. I call these the Friends of Good Conversation. If you incorporate these friends into the conversation you have with your spouse, you will get out of your rut. The first Friend of Good Conversation is using conversation to investigate, inform and understand your spouse. You and your spouse have not begun to exhaust all there is to know about each other. But, for some reason, you have stopped investigating. Your conversation has become predictable and uninteresting as a result.

I suggest that you investigate the facts of each other's personal histories, present experiences and plans for the future. Also investigate each other's attitudes and emotional reactions to those facts. You are bound to each other, through marriage, in a partnership that requires you to navigate through life with skill and coordination. Without conversation you will have neither, and your marriage may crash.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html
[/quote]

I just tried it out actually. Wife wanted to workout for 90 mins tomorrow morning and then go to a plant show with her friend for 2 hours. I didn't like this because it would end up being a block of time of 5 hours where I'm watching kids while she is away. I told her this pleasantly and gave two alternatives which was to only go an hour to the event, or see if her parents would watch kids and we'd both go. She declined both alternatives and decided not to go and do it another time. She felt it too complicated to so she'd rather just skip it. I'm not sure the end result here because I don't know her true feelings on the subject. Did she capitulate? Maybe. Or maybe it really wasn't that important to her and she recognized that I might get a little burnt or stressed out if she was gone for half the day?


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Excellent radio clip on a couple interacting and can't come to agreements and the H isn't getting enough SF. Dr. Harley recommends writing it out to each other.

Radio clip on disagreements and working on POJA through writing

Radio Clip on a wife needing more space


FWW/BW (me)
WH
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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afternoon Hill... was just wondering how you were doing?

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Doing great actually. This week is the first week we hired the sitter so we spent 3-4 hours M-W so far. Couldn't be better, so now I'm up early trying to earn some dough to make certain that this is something we can do indefinitely.


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Doing great actually. This week is the first week we hired the sitter so we spent 3-4 hours M-W so far. Couldn't be better, so now I'm up early trying to earn some dough to make certain that this is something we can do indefinitely.
hurray Glad to hear it and hope it goes well for you today.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Doing great actually. This week is the first week we hired the sitter so we spent 3-4 hours M-W so far. Couldn't be better, so now I'm up early trying to earn some dough to make certain that this is something we can do indefinitely.

hurray

Keep us posted.

No love busters. smile


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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