AR - re-reading over your posts I don't see any shinning nuggets of missed opportunity. I don't see some obvious and simple solution you simply haven't tried yet. Based on my very limited perspective (just some dude on the internet) I get the impression you understand marriage builders and you are putting it in to practice as well as can be expected. There is no low hanging fruit left that I see.

That is not to say there aren't areas for continued improvement and refinement. I'm sure there are. But nothing glaring is jumping out at me.

You're not miserable. You're not satisfied. You're somewhere in between. Things aren't great. They aren't awful. They are livable. You are not thinking about divorce at this point but you'd still like a more connected and satisfying marriage.

True statements?

I think your most productive option is to keep on keeping on. Continue to refine your inner game. Work your angles. Be patient but not complacent. Continue to learn and do the things that motivate your wife to change. Shake things up gently from time to time. Maintain constant forward progress, even if at a very slow speed.

I heard a consultant talk about change once. He said to change, a person needs to feel

1) convinced of the superiority of something different compared to their current state and
2) convinced they can achieve it

Your wife feels neither. She does not seem to see a different way of being and living that would be *worth the cost* to her.

Maybe over time you can help her see there is a better way - that the benefits are better than she imagines AND the price is lower than she fears.

We can't change our spouses (or anyone else.) We can only create the environment most conducive to change, invite and wait.

The missing ingredient may simply be time. I recognize a lot of time has passed already - but how much of it has been productive time?

Do be careful about expectations. It does seem that your efforts to meet your wife's needs are muted when she perceives an expectation of reciprocation. Going out of your way to make your wife happy is a mixed bag - oddly and a bit maddeningly. It does put pressure on her. I don't know that this is a bad thing necessarily - but it should be recognized.

When you come to the place where you truly value and cherish your wife just as she is may be the exact time she begins to become the wife you value and cherish.

She may very well come around once you find that sweet spot where you can work on making things better without de-valuing the present.

But, she may not. She does have her part to play. And she may choose to never play it. This would be sad. What then? When do you say "enough?" Tough question that only you can answer.