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Originally Posted by HerPapaBear
Sorry RQ....

I've been trying to engage your H but it's been futile.

In his posts I've learned; He's not to blame (he's only done what any man would have done that was sex starved), you can't get over it (whatever "it" is), he's a great sexual partner (no issues with his making love), and he can't get you on board with the program (you are only doing what you've always done,which he feels is "nothing")....

Kinda sums it up so far!

The only difference now is; ??? I don't know, is there any difference in him?

Well it appears he's better at gas lighting now that he knows "tid bits" of the MB Program, that's for sure.....

frown

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Originally Posted by HerPapaBear
Sorry RQ....

I've been trying to engage your H but it's been futile.

In his posts I've learned; He's not to blame (he's only done what any man would have done that was sex starved), you can't get over it (whatever "it" is), he's a great sexual partner (no issues with his making love), and he can't get you on board with the program (you are only doing what you've always done,which he feels is "nothing")....

Kinda sums it up so far!

The only difference now is; ??? I don't know, is there any difference in him?

Well it appears he's better at gas lighting now that he knows "tid bits" of the MB Program, that's for sure.....

HPB, I think you would be able to help Kiss much better than I could. I'm not going to comment on his posts or lack of or I'll be accused of lovebusting. I have encouraged him to continue to post.

I have refrained from posting as I was quite frustrated at the discouraging posts. I don't feel that our recovery is "impossible". I do think that kiss and I can continue to work the program even though our UA time is not up to par. Kiss and I will do what we can to increase our UA time together and spend it doing something we both enjoy.

As far as SF is concerned, my enjoyment of it is not kiss' fault but more the effects that childbirth to four children have had on my ability to be satisfied. It is something I will have to work on with exercises.

I talked to Sandy at Marriagebuilders yesterday and she was very helpful in explaining the difference between the accountability program and the online program. Right now, we can not afford to sign up for the online program, but she instructed me on how to fill out the marital problem analysis form and how to work our way through the workbook. So on those nights that Kiss and I only have an hour or 2 together, we will work on those.

I think, even more so now, that it is important for this move down south to happen. It would be nice to have nice weather year round so that we can engage in activities outdoors. I will also hold off on working for as long as we can afford it so that we can spend more time together.

So, that is our current plan right now.

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Did he explore his job prospects on his trip?


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
Did he explore his job prospects on his trip?

No, he didn't have time as he was only there for 2 days.

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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts


Brainy, my app still only let's me hear bits and pieces so thanks for the link. I'll take a listen.

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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
Originally Posted by BrainHurts


Brainy, my app still only let's me hear bits and pieces so thanks for the link. I'll take a listen.
You're welcome.

I posted it on kiss's thread also.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
I have refrained from posting as I was quite frustrated at the discouraging posts. I don't feel that our recovery is "impossible". I do think that kiss and I can continue to work the program even though our UA time is not up to par. Kiss and I will do what we can to increase our UA time together and spend it doing something we both enjoy.

But, without the UA time the program doesn't work.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
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Originally Posted by HopefulNC
Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
I have refrained from posting as I was quite frustrated at the discouraging posts. I don't feel that our recovery is "impossible". I do think that kiss and I can continue to work the program even though our UA time is not up to par. Kiss and I will do what we can to increase our UA time together and spend it doing something we both enjoy.

But, without the UA time the program doesn't work.

So, you think we should not bother working on lovebusters, meeting needs or anything because our ua time isn't a lot. I should go ahead with independent behavior and doing what I want to do? And kiss and I should just say forget it?


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So, you think we should not bother working on lovebusters, meeting needs or anything because our ua time isn't a lot. I should go ahead with independent behavior and doing what I want to do? And kiss and I should just say forget it?

RQ, "snarky" does not play well, to people who are trying to assist you. The goal here is to have the program help you succeed in forming the best marriage the two of you can create.

Your choice, okay?

1) Do NOT achieve the necessary UA time, and stay in the union you currently have - RQ resentful, and distrusting; K disengaged, distracted, and content(?) to play video games instead of bonding with you. Whether you and/or K decide to just "forget it", whatever that means, or just live the gray life that defines, would not be HNC's business.

2) Make the time, perform the exercises, follow the roadmap, and get to an MB-quality marriage.

MB has had many people decide to take the first exit when the journey gets too tough, and they are still here. Usually, however, their latest post starts with, "I was here years ago, and thought we had put it past us. However, I recently learned......"

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I just wrote a long post and lost it....I HATE when that happens!

Unfortunately, I am on my way out the door so don't have time to rewrite. I will try later.

I did have a question though. The answer of which is probably already here in this thread and I just don't recall because I've been so busy the last few months:

Is there a specific plan to get to a better place with the job, UA time, etc...??? OR...is it a case of "this or that might happen and if so..." ???

Frustration usually comes because one feels hopeless that the situation is not going to change.

Have you both explored every option? Have you brainstormed to the point of exhausting all possibilities? I know many have helped you think things through here on your thread as well as Kiss on his... I just don't know the extent to which the two of you have, as a team, looked each other in the eye and have said, "We will do WHATEVER it takes to get our marriage where it should be."

I am not trying to allude to the fact that you have not...I am asking if you have. I know that's a pretty basic question but sometimes the basics get lost in the shuffle.



"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
So, you think we should not bother working on lovebusters, meeting needs or anything because our ua time isn't a lot. I should go ahead with independent behavior and doing what I want to do? And kiss and I should just say forget it?

RQ, "snarky" does not play well, to people who are trying to assist you. The goal here is to have the program help you succeed in forming the best marriage the two of you can create.

Your choice, okay?

1) Do NOT achieve the necessary UA time, and stay in the union you currently have - RQ resentful, and distrusting; K disengaged, distracted, and content(?) to play video games instead of bonding with you. Whether you and/or K decide to just "forget it", whatever that means, or just live the gray life that defines, would not be HNC's business.

2) Make the time, perform the exercises, follow the roadmap, and get to an MB-quality marriage.

MB has had many people decide to take the first exit when the journey gets too tough, and they are still here. Usually, however, their latest post starts with, "I was here years ago, and thought we had put it past us. However, I recently learned......"

Ng, exactly how was that post supposed to "assist" me? Instead it more of the same discouraging posts I have been getting.

Kiss and I are working on getting in our UA time. And we sat down together last night to go over the "marital Problem Analysis" questionnaire and will start on the exercises that address what concerns there were.


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Originally Posted by SunnyDinTX
I just wrote a long post and lost it....I HATE when that happens!

Unfortunately, I am on my way out the door so don't have time to rewrite. I will try later.

I did have a question though. The answer of which is probably already here in this thread and I just don't recall because I've been so busy the last few months:

Is there a specific plan to get to a better place with the job, UA time, etc...??? OR...is it a case of "this or that might happen and if so..." ???

Frustration usually comes because one feels hopeless that the situation is not going to change.

Have you both explored every option? Have you brainstormed to the point of exhausting all possibilities? I know many have helped you think things through here on your thread as well as Kiss on his... I just don't know the extent to which the two of you have, as a team, looked each other in the eye and have said, "We will do WHATEVER it takes to get our marriage where it should be."

I am not trying to allude to the fact that you have not...I am asking if you have. I know that's a pretty basic question but sometimes the basics get lost in the shuffle.

SunnyD, I have lost posts in the past too and it is frustrating! Our current plan is to be in Florida by July. Kiss will continue working for the same company, but I will leave my job. This will enable us to have more time together.

Unfortunately, not much can be done until we move as we need both of our salaries right now.

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Ng, exactly how was that post supposed to "assist" me?

Asking that exact question would have acted more in your benefit than the response you posted, neighbor.

But it was not just your interface with HNC that can frustrate us out here. We who have succeeded went "all in" to make the program work for us. I have NEVER gotten that impression from you or K that either of you has done that. It may be that the translation through the written word is not adequate. I don't know, but let me give you two examples:

RQ: We have nothing affordable to do for RC time.
NG: Try partaking of the beautiful natural wonders of the MHV.
RQ: I don't like the cold.

Not: "Good idea; as the weather permits we'll give them a shot."

RQ: We can't fit in enough UA time.
NG: Try driving K to work.
RQ: I have a job too, you know!

Not: "You know, maybe on days when he's working and I'm not, we'll try that. Maybe even leave 20 minutes early and either get a coffee together, or make out in the parking lot like a pair of teenagers!"

Am I making my point, RQ?

(On a lighter note, it's "NG". "Ng" makes it appear I'm a Vietnamese politician!)

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Neverguessed, I understand what you are saying now and didn't realize that was how I was coming across. I apologize for being "snarky". I just need a time out from all of this I think.

I apologize to the rest of you as well.

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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
Originally Posted by SunnyDinTX
I just wrote a long post and lost it....I HATE when that happens!

Unfortunately, I am on my way out the door so don't have time to rewrite. I will try later.

I did have a question though. The answer of which is probably already here in this thread and I just don't recall because I've been so busy the last few months:

Is there a specific plan to get to a better place with the job, UA time, etc...??? OR...is it a case of "this or that might happen and if so..." ???

Frustration usually comes because one feels hopeless that the situation is not going to change.

Have you both explored every option? Have you brainstormed to the point of exhausting all possibilities? I know many have helped you think things through here on your thread as well as Kiss on his... I just don't know the extent to which the two of you have, as a team, looked each other in the eye and have said, "We will do WHATEVER it takes to get our marriage where it should be."

I am not trying to allude to the fact that you have not...I am asking if you have. I know that's a pretty basic question but sometimes the basics get lost in the shuffle.

SunnyD, I have lost posts in the past too and it is frustrating! Our current plan is to be in Florida by July. Kiss will continue working for the same company, but I will leave my job. This will enable us to have more time together.

Unfortunately, not much can be done until we move as we need both of our salaries right now.

The sad part is....I JUST did it AGAIN! UGH!!!!!!! And, of course... don't have time for a rewrite. I don't know, maybe God doesn't think what I have to say to you today is very good! LOL

Sorry
frown

The bottom line with all of this is...you're discouraged. You want people to give you hope that all can still be well. You know what - it CAN! You may have to suffer for awhile though until you and Kiss are both willing and able to commit 100% to doing everything that's needed.

I've been through a false recovery. Don't know if you remember my story but my H had a cyber/EA years ago - from which we got through but did not recover, obviously - since he had a full-blown A years later. It's not fun. I can guarantee you it would not have happened had we set up our marriage the way we have now. Now, the MB way, we have never felt closer in 22 years than we do now!

Here's the thing: the longer you put off going all in, the harder it is to do because you lose the sense of urgency and necessity that propels you to action. It's human nature. There seems to be a sense of each of you scoping out what the other is willing to do/not do, in fact... You could be hurling toward mediocrity which will not lead to a happy, recovered marriage.

It's also human nature to be looking at each other waiting for the other one to do the great stuff before you commit to doing it yourself. Of course, Kiss should be going to extraordinary measures being that he's the one that had the A, etc... But...because so much has happened since that occurred, that overwhelming sense of "making things right" has probably diminished.

I doubt there is a person here who doesn't understand your frustration. Frustration can only take you so far though. Real change typically occurs when 1 of 2 things happens: You see enough reward on the other side of change to push you into action. OR... You get tired enough of where you are to do something about it.

You have a lot on your plate. It's just really important that you don't let what seems urgent take over what should be priority.

At the very least you can use the next couple of months to plan and "train" for July... when things will be better and you will have more time together. Do what you can to make sure all systems will be go come that time.


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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Thanks Sunny, yes I am feeling discouraged and coming here and being discouraged by others doesn't help. But I'll keep visiting and reading, just not post much.

You are dead on when you say we are both looking to see what the other will do. That is why I feel we need a coach or something to keep us accountable. I feel like if he isn't doing something to work the program then I don't feel like bothering and feel hopeless about it.

I also had a bad week. Triggered badly on saturday and it has lingered. Just finally starting to feel "normal" again.

As far as planning for July, I'm waiting on Kiss to call stores down there and talk to someone. Once we know where he will be, then we can find a house and go from there.

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Rocketqueen,

It almost feels like you're waiting for one of the posters here to say that it's hopeless and you should give up.

I hope you can make it work for you and KISS.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
I'm waiting on Kiss.......

The ghost of your past, present and .....





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Originally Posted by HopefulNC
Rocketqueen,

It almost feels like you're waiting for one of the posters here to say that it's hopeless and you should give up.

I hope you can make it work for you and KISS.

Nope, actually hoping to prove you all wrong. But I apologize for my rudeness to you, Hopeful. I know that I, alone, can't make it work for us. I just want to make sure that I am doing what I can.

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