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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
I am willing to make sacrifices to make this happen. I don't see that willingness from him yet.

Have you asked him what is most important in life to him?

Have you asked him to what level he is willing to participate to ensure the family stays together? Does he have limits?

Many of us BS's moved heaven and earth to R our M's.

It could be very discouraging if our WS's aren't willing to do the same. It is impossible for a WS to truly understand the level of hurt and devastation we endure. AND the sacrifices we have made (and continue to make) to keep our families together.

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20year, I have asked him and he has said before and continues to say that me and the kids are his priority. That he would leave his job if I asked.

But his actions do not line up with his words.

The sacrifices and actions that I have taken to turn my husband back to me, protect my children and recover our marriage...are absolutely mind-boggling to me.

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When you revealed that bit about the $20k in stocks, I think we've discovered a major reason for his delay. Urgh. What a mess.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
20year, I have asked him and he has said before and continues to say that me and the kids are his priority. That he would leave his job if I asked.

But his actions do not line up with his words.

The sacrifices and actions that I have taken to turn my husband back to me, protect my children and recover our marriage...are absolutely mind-boggling to me.

Maybe you both need him to quit his job. Maybe you should just ask him? Maybe he just needs this push.

It really doesn't sound like you are going to be able to move your R forward until you can get that critical UA time in...week in, week out.

Are you hesitant about him quitting?

Or maybe you could set a goal that by the end of June if he doesn't get a transfer or another job he just puts in his notice.

Money is just money. I bet he (or you) wouldn't give a crap about that 20K if the family fell apart. No fun in spending that cash by himself without you and the kids!

Personally, I view money much differently after this experience.


karmasrose #2732349 05/31/13 01:08 PM
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Originally Posted by karmasrose
When you revealed that bit about the $20k in stocks, I think we've discovered a major reason for his delay. Urgh. What a mess.

Rocketqueen, does his company pay out stock to the employee when they leave? Mine does. Do they have a vesting schedule at his company? Is it possible to transfer into IRA?

Last edited by 20YearHistory; 05/31/13 01:08 PM.
karmasrose #2732351 05/31/13 01:10 PM
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Originally Posted by karmasrose
When you revealed that bit about the $20k in stocks, I think we've discovered a major reason for his delay. Urgh. What a mess.

It is vested stock. It remains his as long as he stays with the company. He can work part time with the company in Florida and it would still be his. He would just have to work his way back up to a managerial position. It's not ideal but an option. A better option than where we are at.


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We've already thrown away twice that amount of money away because of his affair, what's another $20K?

20year, it is scheduled. He has it but can't cash it until a certain number of years have passed. Every year he gets another chunk of it. I don't really know how it works but I will relay your suggestions to him. Thanks!


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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
It is vested stock. It remains his as long as he stays with the company.

Most companies with vested stock plan have a payout plan of sorts if you were to leave th company.

Mine is 100% payout after 6years with the company.

Most companies have a vesting schudule like: 2 years - 20%, 3 years 30% and so on.

Last edited by 20YearHistory; 05/31/13 01:19 PM.
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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
We've already thrown away twice that amount of money away because of his affair, what's another $20K?

It sure would suck to have your M fail for $20k. You live in NY right? That is like a loaf of bread and a case of beer!


My M = Priceless


Last edited by 20YearHistory; 05/31/13 01:18 PM.
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Restricted Stock! That is what they are called, lol.

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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
20year, I have asked him and he has said before and continues to say that me and the kids are his priority. That he would leave his job if I asked.

But his actions do not line up with his words.

The sacrifices and actions that I have taken to turn my husband back to me, protect my children and recover our marriage...are absolutely mind-boggling to me.
I understand your frustration. Your efforts have been great and should be more appreciated by your FWH. He needs to make reciprocal effort for your recovery (Just Compensation).

Last edited by IAintReadyToQuit; 06/03/13 12:05 AM.

Married 31 years, 5 kids, 4 GK



TheLongRun #2733010 06/03/13 03:19 PM
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Aaaahh, so once again the topic of forgiveness comes up on the boards here. And when it does, I ask myself "Does Kiss deserve my forgiveness yet" and yet again it's "nope, not yet!" LOL

He has come a long way, but he still has a loong way to go.

Iaintready, this goes along with your post. JC is still a work in progress.

Last edited by Rocketqueen; 06/03/13 03:21 PM.
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I tried to have a talk with Kiss again last night about the moving. It is causing complications for my DD17 who had applied to a Florida college and needs to register for classes. The problem is that I don't want her in Florida if the rest of us are still up here. I suggested to her that she apply and register in our area. And kiss brought up well what if I do transfer and then she is up here. I pointed out to him that this has been going on since February and what does he expect her to do? Well, he got up from the dinner table, went into the living room with his food and stayed there all night. He hasn't spoken a word to me since.

Prior to this conversation, I had told him that I was having a bad day and feeling a little depressed. And this is how he reacts? Now I feel worse than I did before I talked to him. I just feel like I'm spinning in circles and questioning why I continue to do so.

Sigh..

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I think a "Oh, hell no!" would have been in order when presented with the pouting in the living room and silent treatment.

He doesn't get to just ignore a problem, and that your daughter is now in the mix makes this even more idiotic. He's an adult, and these kinds of childish games cannot be tolerated.

So DD is either going to school in NY or FL, and is either paying in-state NY, in-state FL, out-of-state NY or out-of-state FL tuition. What a budgeting nightmare.




Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

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Ok, your deadline of "June 14 for transfer and June 30 for a different job in a local (but trigger free) area" is fast approaching.

Now you've added the deadline for your daughter's college registration which is...when? Something's got to give here.


Me (BH)
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Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

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If I were you, I think I would move without him, and tell him he can follow if he wants.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2735607 06/12/13 04:05 PM
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Originally Posted by markos
If I were you, I think I would move without him, and tell him he can follow if he wants.
I agree.

RQ,

Do you have a job to transfer, for you, in FL?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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No, I would be leaving a 19 year job with the state. I'm sure I could find something though. But we were planning on me not working to have our UA time.

I wish we could just go and have him catch up eventually but then that leaves him here, close to skank and unsupervised.

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Originally Posted by Northwood8900
I think a "Oh, hell no!" would have been in order when presented with the pouting in the living room and silent treatment.

He doesn't get to just ignore a problem, and that your daughter is now in the mix makes this even more idiotic. He's an adult, and these kinds of childish games cannot be tolerated.

So DD is either going to school in NY or FL, and is either paying in-state NY, in-state FL, out-of-state NY or out-of-state FL tuition. What a budgeting nightmare.

He said he walked out because I dropped the f* bomb and he felt it was disrespectful I have to be more careful when I get worked up and frustrated.

edit: he texted me that a little while ago. He never said that last night, just walked away from me.

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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
No, I would be leaving a 19 year job with the state. I'm sure I could find something though. But we were planning on me not working to have our UA time.

I wish we could just go and have him catch up eventually but then that leaves him here, close to skank and unsupervised.

Yes it does, but I would make this the last ditch effort. And I've heard Dr. Harley suggest it a time or two on the radio. You move and he may decide to follow and recover your marriage. Or he may decide to not recover the marriage and do something horrible, in which case you'll need to protect yourself with Plan B. It may mean the end of your marriage, but your marriage sure isn't going to recover in this state!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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