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Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
It's been awfully quiet here in Recovery world lately.

Is everyone still in hiding?


Just got back from SoCal.

Only burned a little...

Must have been nice to get away for a little while! Did you have a good trip, HHH?


Yeah, it was fun.

We went for my niece's HS graduation. Big bunch of family there... though, my family is wierd, so... yeah. Sigh.

My DD17 just graduated on Friday. Still not sure if she is going to Florida or staying here. It's a big decision and one I'm afraid to make. She wants to go to Florida but it will cost a lot if we are still here. Plus....I'm just not sure she is ready to be on her own. It's tough being a parent.

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Shhhhh! Don't remind me. I still got 3 years on the oldest!


Though, she had to make a "grown up" decision, and stayed with her aunt while we were away so she could work on summer school and make up for some classes she failed.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Hiding in the shadows...with an invisible cloak on...


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Originally Posted by unwritten
Hiding in the shadows...with an invisible cloak on...

That's ok, Harry, as long as I know you are still there smile

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Well, Kiss and I are still struggling with the whole - should we stay or should we go- decision. We have a general idea of what he would be paid if he were to take the job in Florida that is a step down from his position. But we don't know if it will be enough to cover our cost of living.

Too many unknowns for us (me!) to make an agreement so we haven't agreed yet.

On the bright side, my DD17 applied to a school here in NY that is far enough away from us to make her happy and close enough to make Momma happy, so hopefully she is accepted smile


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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
Well, Kiss and I are still struggling with the whole - should we stay or should we go- decision. We have a general idea of what he would be paid if he were to take the job in Florida that is a step down from his position. But we don't know if it will be enough to cover our cost of living.

Too many unknowns for us (me!) to make an agreement so we haven't agreed yet.

On the bright side, my DD17 applied to a school here in NY that is far enough away from us to make her happy and close enough to make Momma happy, so hopefully she is accepted smile
Has kiss even applied for the jobs in Florida yet?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Brainy, he has looked into the lower position with the same company but hasn't gotten any concrete info. In general, it would be a 50-60% paycut from what he is making here. Not enough for us to live on down there but we really need to do some research on it.

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I did find positions with other companies in the area we are looking at but they did not have salary info on the site (monster.com). Another option...but it is up to Kiss to actually look into it.

I am OK with staying here until we can do this the right way with preparation and planning.

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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
Northwood, I asked kiss to listen to yesterday's radio program. With the caller, Jim? I told kiss that I identified with the caller's wife. That I want to be in love with him and continuing the way we are will make me vulnerable.

SusieQ, the plan right now is to make that list I mentioned before and brainstorm options.

One possibility is that kiss steps down from his position in order to find more available openings in Florida. Less money, but less hours, stress and responsibility.
Was this the show RQ?

Radio Clip of 6-12-13 Show
Segment #2
Segment #3


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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That was the one, Brainy girl. Thanks for linking it for me!

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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
That was the one, Brainy girl. Thanks for linking it for me!
You're welcome. smile


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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So, here is a situation that I need a bit of help with.

Long story short, Kiss will occasionally get out of bed at night or stay up while I am sleeping (I fall asleep quickly) and go watch TV and fall asleep on the couch. I have told him every time that this bothers me, not only because I have trouble sleeping without him (I will constantly toss and turn) but also because when he was having his A, he would frequently leave the bed to talk to his AP. But anyway, he still does it and did it again last night.

He thinks if we have a TV in our bedroom again (I suffered with that the first 11 years of our marriage) then he would be able to sleep better. I do not sleep better with the TV on and never liked having one in the bedroom. He says "fine", he will just stay awake all night even though he has to get up at 4 in the morning.

I had bought him Z-quil months ago to help him sleep but he never tried it. Suggestions, please? How do we resolve this without someone sacrificing their sleep here? Especially when the very act is a trigger?




Last edited by Rocketqueen; 07/05/13 11:29 AM.
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BTW, I am really looking forward to Dr. Harley's new book "He Wins She Wins" because that would help Kiss and I greatly. But how do I get him to negotiate with me?

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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
So, here is a situation that I need a bit of help with.

Long story short, Kiss will occasionally get out of bed at night or stay up while I am sleeping (I fall asleep quickly) and go watch TV and fall asleep on the couch. I have told him every time that this bothers me, not only because I have trouble sleeping without him (I will constantly toss and turn) but also because when he was having his A, he would frequently leave the bed to talk to his AP. But anyway, he still does it and did it again last night.

He thinks if we have a TV in our bedroom again (I suffered with that the first 11 years of our marriage) then he would be able to sleep better. I do not sleep better with the TV on and never liked having one in the bedroom. He says "fine", he will just stay awake all night even though he has to get up at 4 in the morning.

I had bought him Z-quil months ago to help him sleep but he never tried it. Suggestions, please? How do we resolve this without someone sacrificing their sleep here? Especially when the very act is a trigger?

My first question: has he given up leaving the room at night until a solution is found?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Markos, I am sure he will continue to do it as I have complained before and that didn't stop him. He just continues to do what he wants even though it.negatively affects me.

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But how do I get him to negotiate with me?

Uhhhhhh, by refraining from refusing when he (awkwardly) tries?

To review:

RQ: I do not like it when you get up in the middle of the night and watch tv until you fall asleep.
K: Could we try bringing a tv back into the bedroom?
RQ: No!

Not: "Is there anything bothering you that is affecting your sleep cycle that we can work on together?"..."Could we try the tv with earphones for you?"..."Could we try it limiting it to half-hour increments?"..."Could we try it limiting the usage to twice (once?) a week?"..."Would it help if we delayed turning in for half an hour, instead?"..."Should we try switching to decaffeinated coffee after 2:00pm?"

RQ, am I getting anywhere with this?

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Sorry, NG, I left out some info as I have offered suggestions that he see a Dr, but he won't. My mom had gotten him headphones years ago but he refused to use them. We are up quite late as it is.

As far as "limiting it", how do you mean? Have the TV in the bedroom but turn it off after a certain amount of time?

ETA: I also bought a white noise radio, but he doesn't use it. I have tried to help him, but he seems to prefer doing what he wants.

Last edited by Rocketqueen; 07/05/13 02:34 PM.
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The negotiating begins with "it bothers me when you go watch TV after we turn in." Kiss came up with a solution that doesn't address this concern. RQ said she didn't like that solution. I had a similar complaint and Dr. Harley suggested taking an Excedrin PM to see if that worked.

You could come up with solutions together to address his not being able to sleep and try some to see if they work. Rejecting all potential solutions such that only TV is the soporific is bypassing the spirit of POJA (that is, starting negotiation with the solution one guy has already decided upon).

I have found that if I do an hour of manual labor (in the house or in the yard), and make sure my responsibilities were fulfilled (like paying bills, etc.), I sleep rather well.



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Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
Markos, I am sure he will continue to do it as I have complained before and that didn't stop him. He just continues to do what he wants even though it.negatively affects me.

Then you can't negotiate. Negotiating is going to have to start with an agreement to do nothing until you come to a mutually agreeable solution.

Can you get kiss on the radio to talk to Dr. Harley about this and other issues?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by LifetimeLearner
The negotiating begins with "it bothers me when you go watch TV after we turn in." Kiss came up with a solution that doesn't address this concern. RQ said she didn't like that solution. I had a similar complaint and Dr. Harley suggested taking an Excedrin PM to see if that worked.

Was that a post on the private forum? I think I remember that.

Excedrin PM contains the same sleep aid I've used off and on for years and that my dad always recommended for me: benedryl. It's an antihistamine and a sleep aid, and can be purchased under different names as either.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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