Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
#2864173 08/26/15 03:00 PM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 10
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 10
Hi,
A friend told me about this web site and I've been looking it over for awhile, got a lot of good info from it and have tried applying it to my marriage.

A few questions that I haven't figured out on the forum:

What's plan A and plan B? A search doesn't work. Sounds like a plan when things can't be fixed. Also, some of the items that are referred to in the basic principles are hard to follow through on and get more information, but I'm sure that in time, I can figure it out.

I've got one problem (that may be a problem) that I'm going to eventually post regarding an issue that we're having, and have to figure out where to post it. It regards some trust issues I'm having with my wife, and feel that she is not telling me the whole truth about some things that bother me.

For the most part, things are reasonably good after a rocky start for the first few years. We've got 20 years behind us, run a successful business together and have time for fun with some fun travel and trips.


Tom
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 21
K
KPT Offline
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 21

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by TomHusband
Hi,
A friend told me about this web site and I've been looking it over for awhile, got a lot of good info from it and have tried applying it to my marriage.

A few questions that I haven't figured out on the forum:

What's plan A and plan B? A search doesn't work. Sounds like a plan when things can't be fixed. Also, some of the items that are referred to in the basic principles are hard to follow through on and get more information, but I'm sure that in time, I can figure it out.

It is typically applied when there is an affair. [thanks for posting link to article, KPT]It is used in other situations where separation is warranted. [abuse, extreme neglect]

Quote
I've got one problem (that may be a problem) that I'm going to eventually post regarding an issue that we're having, and have to figure out where to post it. It regards some trust issues I'm having with my wife, and feel that she is not telling me the whole truth about some things that bother me.

Can you be more specific?

Welcome to Marriage Builders! smile


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


KPT #2864184 08/26/15 06:07 PM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 10
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by KPT

Very good, thanks, and that's kind of what I thought it would be, but a bit more dramatic, in that plan B looks like the end.

Fortunately not for me at this time, and I hope never.


Tom
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 10
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by TomHusband
Hi,
A friend told me about this web site and I've been looking it over for awhile, got a lot of good info from it and have tried applying it to my marriage.

A few questions that I haven't figured out on the forum:

What's plan A and plan B? A search doesn't work. Sounds like a plan when things can't be fixed. Also, some of the items that are referred to in the basic principles are hard to follow through on and get more information, but I'm sure that in time, I can figure it out.

It is typically applied when there is an affair. [thanks for posting link to article, KPT]It is used in other situations where separation is warranted. [abuse, extreme neglect]

Quote
I've got one problem (that may be a problem) that I'm going to eventually post regarding an issue that we're having, and have to figure out where to post it. It regards some trust issues I'm having with my wife, and feel that she is not telling me the whole truth about some things that bother me.

Can you be more specific?

Welcome to Marriage Builders! smile

That post really looked pretty specific as to what plan A and B is. While we do have some things that I have a problem with, I hope it won't ever lead to plan A or B. But I do have some trust issues that I need to get off my chest at some point in time to figure out if there really IS and issue.



Tom
#2864186 08/26/15 06:15 PM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 10
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 10
I've read a lot about this technology in "spying" on your husband or wife and find it pretty comprehensive.

Question I have on this, is at what point do you want to start to implement this sort of equipment? I assume you are at the point where you have totally lost your trust in your wife or husband.


Tom
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
What can we help you with?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
Originally Posted by TomHusband
[quote=MelodyLane][quote=TomHusband]

[quote]I've got one problem (that may be a problem) that I'm going to eventually post regarding an issue that we're having, and have to figure out where to post it.

You will need to describe the issue if you ever expect help with it.

LTL

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by TomHusband
Question I have on this, is at what point do you want to start to implement this sort of equipment? I assume you are at the point where you have totally lost your trust in your wife or husband.

You should do it the second you have suspicions. The sooner the better. People don't lose trust without good reason.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 10
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by LearnedTooLate
[quote=TomHusband][quote=MelodyLane][quote=TomHusband]

Quote
I've got one problem (that may be a problem) that I'm going to eventually post regarding an issue that we're having, and have to figure out where to post it.

You will need to describe the issue if you ever expect help with it.

LTL

Thanks for letting me know this, but that's what I assumed.

I am not ready to post my problem yet, need to learn more about this site and read more of the responses to get a feel for the level of help here. There's a lot of good basic information, but I will need more specifics as time goes on, if I cannot solve the issue I have.

One concern that I can see here is that there seems to be a lot of pressure to disclose a lot of information which some people are not comfortable with. I may have some problems with disclosing information but need to get enough across to get the job done.




Tom
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 21
K
KPT Offline
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 21
Tom, being brand new too I hear you 100%. I've lurked for a while and my general feeling is that to people reaching out for full disclosure just want the full disclosure to get the "real" and "big" picture in order to provide what they feel is the best and most accurate feedback and guidance. It's like that with any forum really.

This is a such a damned hard thing to nail down, these problems and solutions. There's a lot of point of views and definitely followers of those point of views and one size does not fit all. One can only hope they've done enough research to know they feel they've picked the right path for help and success.
Originally Posted by TomHusband
Originally Posted by LearnedTooLate
[quote=TomHusband][quote=MelodyLane][quote=TomHusband]

Quote
I've got one problem (that may be a problem) that I'm going to eventually post regarding an issue that we're having, and have to figure out where to post it.

You will need to describe the issue if you ever expect help with it.

LTL

Thanks for letting me know this, but that's what I assumed.

I am not ready to post my problem yet, need to learn more about this site and read more of the responses to get a feel for the level of help here. There's a lot of good basic information, but I will need more specifics as time goes on, if I cannot solve the issue I have.

One concern that I can see here is that there seems to be a lot of pressure to disclose a lot of information which some people are not comfortable with. I may have some problems with disclosing information but need to get enough across to get the job done.

KPT #2864301 08/27/15 03:41 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
I can guess what the problem is and offer a suggestion.
Is your butter burning in the frying pan? It is because the heat is too high. You will need to turn the heat down and slowly Melt the butter.
Julia Childs explains this on her t.v. show.
If this answers your unspoken concern, please let me know.
if its another issue you are dealing with, also please let me know.

Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 10
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
I can guess what the problem is and offer a suggestion.
Is your butter burning in the frying pan? It is because the heat is too high. You will need to turn the heat down and slowly Melt the butter.
Julia Childs explains this on her t.v. show.
If this answers your unspoken concern, please let me know.
if its another issue you are dealing with, also please let me know.

Really don't understand this reply at all.


Tom
KPT #2864313 08/27/15 06:07 PM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 10
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by KPT
Tom, being brand new too I hear you 100%. I've lurked for a while and my general feeling is that to people reaching out for full disclosure just want the full disclosure to get the "real" and "big" picture in order to provide what they feel is the best and most accurate feedback and guidance. It's like that with any forum really.

This is a such a damned hard thing to nail down, these problems and solutions. There's a lot of point of views and definitely followers of those point of views and one size does not fit all. One can only hope they've done enough research to know they feel they've picked the right path for help and success.
Originally Posted by TomHusband
Originally Posted by LearnedTooLate
[quote=TomHusband][quote=MelodyLane][quote=TomHusband]

Quote
I've got one problem (that may be a problem) that I'm going to eventually post regarding an issue that we're having, and have to figure out where to post it.

You will need to describe the issue if you ever expect help with it.

LTL

Thanks for letting me know this, but that's what I assumed.

I am not ready to post my problem yet, need to learn more about this site and read more of the responses to get a feel for the level of help here. There's a lot of good basic information, but I will need more specifics as time goes on, if I cannot solve the issue I have.

One concern that I can see here is that there seems to be a lot of pressure to disclose a lot of information which some people are not comfortable with. I may have some problems with disclosing information but need to get enough across to get the job done.

KPT,

You make a very good point. I agree that one size does not fit all, and I see a lot of post where the people who have been here for awhile want to put everyone into the same solution, with no flexibility. I have a hard time with that, because everyone is different. And I realize that they are following the teachings that are presented by the Marriage Builders ideals, they seems to go overboard at times that there is no other way. That may be ok with a lot of problems, but often solutions can be very different for different people.

I am very reluctant to be put into a cookie cutter solution, even though some people can do that.

But there are a lot of good bits of information here that can be very helpful, and just reading the basics on and off lately, there is a ton of good information.


Tom
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by TomHusband
One concern that I can see here is that there seems to be a lot of pressure to disclose a lot of information which some people are not comfortable with.

That's because usually people want to cherry pick from the Marriage Builders plans, and the Marriage Builders plans don't work when you do that. So people try to conceal pieces of information from us because they have read enough to know what we will tell them if we know the full story. They want to hear that it's going to work even if they don't follow the full plan, so they conceal the details so they can get some friends to tell them it's going to work for a few months while their marriage goes down the tubes. That way they can avoid doing what needs to be done and feel good about it in the face of disaster.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by TomHusband
I am very reluctant to be put into a cookie cutter solution, even though some people can do that.

If you don't want a cookie cutter solution, you need to give MORE details, not less. Marriage Builders has lots and lots and lots of specific details and customizations for different situations like if there is an affair or alcoholism or abuse in a marriage. But if you conceal that stuff you get a cookie cutter solution that DOESN'T WORK and then you can go say Marriage Builders didn't work when the truth was you just already know what we would say if we knew the full story, and you didn't want to do that, so you choseto conceal some details from us and accept a cookie cutter solution.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2864316 08/27/15 06:10 PM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
"Cookie cutter solution" is code for "I know what you're going to tell me and I don't want to do it."

Been there, done that here 1000x times.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 10
T
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by TomHusband
Question I have on this, is at what point do you want to start to implement this sort of equipment? I assume you are at the point where you have totally lost your trust in your wife or husband.

You should do it the second you have suspicions. The sooner the better. People don't lose trust without good reason.

Melody,

That's an interesting approach and worth looking into. But what if you have a small suspicion and would rather not go ballistic with all this tech stuff to spy on your partner, wouldn't it be better to just talk to them and as least hear them out?


Tom
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by TomHusband
I have a hard time with that, because everyone is different.

Of course if they don't tell the details about HOW they are different, nobody will know how to advise them other than a cookie cutter solution.

MrRollieEyes

You already know what we'll tell you and don't want to do it.

Prove me wrong!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
How is quietly checking up on your spouse "going ballistic"?

Quote
would rather not go ballistic with all this tech stuff to spy on your partner
Are you married?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,071 guests, and 57 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5