Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 486
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 486
BrambleRose - Outstanding..<p>Uh, maybe you could enlighten some of us (me)on appeasement?
I haven't really come across that before.<p>I assume to appease means to placate; to calm. To not LB? Huh? Or in this context does it mean to poorly define what's acceptable to you, your borders?<p>Help please.<p>Dan<p>BTW, I originally wrote this in response to a post you made on 12/09 to Terrified (re: I believe "going public" with the separation can impede or even prevent recovery... )<p>[ December 09, 2001: Message edited by: Family Man ]</p>

Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3,454
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 3,454
Well what I mean by appeasement is when we the BS, beg, plead, grovel and promise anything and everything to the WS if they will just stop cheating and lying and come home.<p>Appeasement is what we do when we are terrified of being alone, terrified of being thought of as a loser because our spouses left us, and terrified that some how, some way, we don't deserve the love of our spouses.<p>Appeasement is when we willingly take on the responsibilty for the affair (if I had nagged less, had sex more, etc).<p>Appeasement happens when we stand by and do nothing out of fear that the WS will not ever come back while our WS takes their financial support, leaving us to struggle to maintain a household for the kids - or the WS takes the children into dangerous or immoral situations....<p>Basically appeasement is what we do when we suffer harm willingly (or allow harm to our children) for fear of being left by the WS.<p>Somehow, we think, that if we did everything the WS demands, expect nothing from the WS, take on all the WS responsiblities, and draw no boundaries to take care of ourselves that the WS will suddenly find us attractive and come home again.<p>Too many times I've seen stuff like "My WS wants to take the kids overnight with the OW and I'm not stopping it because it would be an LB." or...even better...."My H isn't supporting me, our electricity is about to be cut off, but I don't want to LB by asking for money..."<p>The fact of the matter is that we didn't attract our spouses in the first place by appeasing them. Why would it work now?<p>To avoid appeasement while Plan Aing, one has to draw some boundaries. We can't control what our spouses do, but that doesn't mean we lay down and act like doormats while they wreck havoc on our lives.<p>Does that help?

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 486
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 486
BrambleRose - Yes. Yes it does make sense..<p>This may qualify as a "notable post.."<p>I had personally used the phrase " giving away my power.." either way, it seems we willingly discount our value.Never the thing to do, but especially for someone who is treating us so badly.<p>Thank you for your thoughts. <p>Appeasement sucks.<p>Dan


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (NewEveryDay), 1,357 guests, and 77 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5