Well I was doing so well with plan A for<BR>three weeks then I LB'ed. We went out for lunch the other day and my W snapped at me,<BR>and I told her I did not appreciate her talking to me in this manner, I started to think to myself she probably does not talk to the OM this way and also I thought maybe I'm just being a doormat by staying in this relationship and she has no respect for me whatsoever...well the snowball started to roll and got bigger over the course of two days...I almost left last night...but the my children were very upset with this prospect so I could not leave. I did not have the cold heart to do this to them. I think she is considering leaving now knowing the pain it would cause the children if I left...The reason why I say this is because I have raised and nurtured these children for the last 4 years while my wife was finishing her education, pursuing her career, and falling in love with someone else. So I believe at this point it would be more damaging to the children if I left, <BR>Well my W decided to write me a letter to expalin her feelings since she says she cannot talk to me about it because I do not listen, which is probably true, because I am so angry and hurt that she won't stop seeing the OM and I cannot distinguish what is true and what not true. Any insight on what she might be going thru at this time.<P>The Letter<BR>" I don't know that you want to read or hear what I have to say but I hope you will continue to read this letter.<P>Believe me when I say I want us to be a whole and complete family again. But I know that if I try now that I will dissapoint you even more by failing you and you will hate me even more than you already do. I still think we have a chance but right now is not the time. I don't know that you will be ready and willing when I am, but I can only hope. If you are not there 4 me when I am ready I will understand.<P>You are right when you say that what I am doing, have done to you is wrong. And you are right when you say that I feel guilty. So why do I continue? Partly because I am selfish maybe and partly because I am still angry and want to punish you and partly because I'm not sure we can make it. Why not give you a chance to show me we can make it again? Because I am weak right now. Lastly I am not sure why I continue on this path. I look at it this way. Why do people do bad things if they know the things they are doing are bad? Maybe because it gives them some satisfaction but it also gives them disatisfaction knowing what they are doing is not right. Like smoking I guess. In any case, I'm not justifying my actions because I know they are wrong. I just want to apologize for hurting you and for my actions that hurt you and for not being a stronger and morally better person. I hope in time that I will be a better person and not continue to spiral down and down. I am also sorry I have not shown you how much I love you.<P>I know these are only words on paper, but I hope you can beleive some of these words.<P>I know it would be better if I dissapear from your life and the boys life. I guess I'm selfish here too. Otherwise I would have disapeared already.<P>If you get anything from this letter please at least believe that I still care for you. I'm lost right now."<P>W

.<p>[This message has been edited by BamaAngst (edited August 24, 2000).]

That makes so much sense. Everything the letter says sounds like what my H is telling me (except the selfish for staying part).<P>And BamaAngst's response sounds so much like what needs to be done. But how does the WS do this? How can the BS help? And, how long does it take?<P>

What your wife is essentially telling you is that she wants to continue with her affair and if the marriage falls apart, so be it. She wants you to accept her behaviour and wait for her to grow up. If you go along with her thinking than you are condoning her disrespect for you and her family. I would not play her game. I would use a tough love approach. Tell her that you love her but that you will not accept her continued adultery while being her husband and that you will file for divorce and then do it. This action will serve as a wakeup call for her to stop the affair. Of course she may allow the divorce to proceed hoeever it this happens the chances are she would leave you anyways.<BR>What it comes down to is that you have no control over her choices but you have control over what you will accept.

My interpretation of this letter is pretty brutal, but the letter itself is pretty brutal, to be honest. <P>Her words: "Believe me when I say I want us to be a whole and complete family again. But I know that if I try now that I will dissapoint you even more by failing you and you will hate me even more than you already do." <P>Translated: "I want to be in a happy marriage with you, however, I intend to keep on seeing the OM, and I know you won't stand for that, so therefore, we won't be a happy family."<P>Her words: "I still think we have a chance but right now is not the time. I don't know that you will be ready and willing when I am, but I can only hope. If you are not there 4 me when I am ready I will understand."<P>Translation: "The relationship with the OM is still new and exciting. Once the newness wears off and it becomes just like any other relationship, or when the OM screws up or betrays me, I'll most likely come running back to you. I hope you have a lot of patience!"<P>Her words: "You are right when you say that what I am doing, have done to you is wrong. And you are right when you say that I feel guilty. So why do I continue? Partly because I am selfish maybe and partly because I am still angry and want to punish you and partly because I'm not sure we can make it."<P><BR>Translation: "Yeah, you're right, I'm a selfish person, and I admit to it ... but by God, you pushed me into it. And besides, the relationship with the OM is still new and exciting," yada, yada, blah, blah ... <P>Her words: "Why not give you a chance to show me we can make it again? Because I am weak right now. Lastly I am not sure why I continue on this path. I look at it this way. Why do people do bad things if they know the things they are doing are bad? Maybe because it gives them some satisfaction but it also gives them disatisfaction knowing what they are doing is not right. Like smoking I guess. In any case, I'm not justifying my actions because I know they are wrong. I just want to apologize for hurting you and for my actions that hurt you and for not being a stronger and morally better person. I hope in time that I will be a better person and not continue to spiral down and down. I am also sorry I have not shown you how much I love you."<P>Translation: Once again, she's saying the same thing, "this relationship is so addictive and the sex is so good, I can't give it up, not for you or for our marriage or anyone or anything, and I will rationalize it as much as I like, and in fact, I'll even own up to my guilt."<P>My opinion? Took balls to write this letter. The whole message of it, to me, is, "Yes, I know what I'm doing is wrong and selfish. Guess what? I'm gonna keep doing it!" There is one part of this letter which I believe to be absolutely 100 percent true, and that is your W's statement:<P>"I know it would be better if I dissapear from your life and the boys life."<P>Yes. She is right. She should disappear until she gets her head on straight. Who could write such a letter and in good conscience, send it?<P>belld