Hugs to you Deelam. This is a horrible thing to have to go through as most everyone can attest to. I don't usually mention this, but I wonder what your H would do if you told him you were speaking to a lawyer about divorce proceedings. I wonder if he really wants one. You know when my H had is A, he didn't want to be with me. I think he felt such guilt that he didn't even like himself. Being with me made him ill because he remembered how much he hurt me.<p>He's inquired how you are, so he must still have some feelings for you. James Dobson wrote a book called "Love Must Be Tough". If I remember correctly, he spoke about how you have to be right with you (which you already seem to recognize). Sometimes, when we get too needy people pull away. If you were to turn around and become very independent, running the finances--not arguing but being very firm. Get involved in a group activity. Maybe take a class. Start living (as much as you can with 4 daughters!) As much as people don't like needy people a lot of them still like to be needed. If your H thought you were doing just fine without him, I wonder if he might start getting jealous of your newfound independence.<p>He's basically already left you--my H didn't even do that. Now, you just have to find a way to get him back. Thank him for the rent money. You casually say, "Thanks for the rent money, I guess I'll find a way to take care of the rest. In the future, I would appreciate you calling to arrange a time to see the children." If that doesn't leave him stuttering and in shock, I would take that to mean, he's not really thinking things over by himself. Practice, practice, practice. Imgine converstations with him. It will never happen that flippantly in real life, but the more you practice the stronger you can sound.<p>It's the hardest thing in the world to not let them know how much they are hurting you. My H hated it when I cried all the time. Things got a lot better when I could just go on like nothing ever happened (hardest thing I've ever done).<p>Anyway, just some thoughts. Might not work. Might not be something you want to try. I don't know you and your H and your relationship.
I wish you the best of luck. If this is what you really want, you can get him back. It is possible to save a marriage if you are the only one trying. It's harder, but it is possible. Two years ago, I wouldn't have believed it. My H was admitting to an A and asking for a D. I looked at him and said, "No, you're not getting off that easy. You don't get to have a fling, then act remorseful, get divorced, and spend the rest of your life with her." He asked, "You would contest the divorce." I replied, "You better believe it. We're going to give this marriage a fair second try." Totally shocked him to his toes that I didn't automatically start filing. We're now in a full-blown recovery and doing quite well. Sometimes, I think the A bothers him now more than it does me (which is saying a lot because it does still hurt me to think about it). So, it can be done. I wish you well.<p>[ May 08, 2002: Message edited by: Lapeine ]</p>