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#415153 06/10/02 02:20 PM
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I am trying to save my marriage after being in an affair for a year. I try to push the man away that I am having an affair with but don't have the courage to break it off completely. I love him. I need support. Is this a place to find it?

#415154 06/10/02 02:58 PM
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That is an oxymoron...YOu cant repair your marraige by holding onto your lover. One or the other. You have to devote your whole self to your spouse...not only want you have left.

#415155 06/10/02 03:01 PM
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It is so hard to just end it completely and I feel so alone. I have no one to talk to about it because my husband knows of the affair and thinks I ended it completely in Dec. I haven't seen the man in 6 weeks but talk to him on the phone and e-mail him. Now I've told him to quit e-mailing and this morning he called me. I just am having a really hard time making a complete break. I need support.

#415156 06/10/02 03:06 PM
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You are sending mixed emotions to the lover. If you cant make a commitment one way or the other, how could you expect him to. If you really, truly want to save your marraige....from the bottom of your heart....it willhave to start with honesty. If you keep this man in your backpocket, you are mentally going to think that you always have him to fall back on. In a marraige, your spouse should be your best friend, confidante, lover, healer, helper....

#415157 06/10/02 03:11 PM
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I know you are right and I am trying and wanting to make the break. I am almost there...just looking for support that life will be o.k. without him in it.

#415158 06/10/02 03:16 PM
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Life will be awesome without him in it. To think that you wont have to live this dual life any longer. Remember the love that you had in the beginning and rekindle the spark that was once there. All or none. Your being irresponsible by handling the way you are. The trust is going to be damaged to the point that it might not be repairable if you continue. Its real easy to say your trying as your flirting with the OM at the same time. Why should he take you serious if you dont take you serious?

#415159 06/10/02 03:24 PM
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Please know that being the betrayed spouse is proably the most painful thing to ever experience! If you want to work it out with your H, then do NOT communicate with OM!!! If you want out, then GET out! Leaving your H in limbo is not fair to him! Being "second choice" is no better! What does your heart tell you?

#415160 06/10/02 03:32 PM
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Yes Sparkle this is the place.
First let me give you a warning, everyone here is in some stage of the throws of infidelity. You may encounter some who will lash out at you because you are a WS “Wayward Spouse” If this happens please do not be frightened off and understand that they are in pain disregard any negative attack and learn and grow from the positive encouragement you will receive. <p>There are different boards on the forum, this is just Found out and usually visited by those who just found out there spouse was had and A “affair”. This by no means says you can’t post here post anywhere you’re comfortable. Your journey may help shed some light to those on the other side of the fence.<p>Having said All that let me welcome you and encourage you to read as much information here as you can. I strongly suggest purchasing the book “Surviving an Affair”. It is filled with information you will need to finally break that tie. It will help answer some of the question about why you really had this A and how to get your M back.<p>It will explain what I am going to encourage you to do today, stop all contact with this man. No more calls e-mails, visits, and no contact of any kind. I know it sounds hard, it is. But like an alcoholic you can never have another drink or you’re hooked again. Each time you break it off you go through hell. Contact of any kind puts you back to square one and you live the same hell over the next time you try to break it off. Believe me the longer you go with no contact, the easier it will get, I’ve seen it many times.<p>After reading the book I would also encourage you tell your H “Husband” he has a right to know. I can’t promise you the M won’t end right then but chances are it will not. The majority of M’s today face this crisis and continue. His knowing will help hold you accountable. <p>Sparkle I’m not going to lie, this is hard probably the hardest thing you will ever face. But you can come out it a better person with a good M. 18 months ago my W told me about her A, it’s been a rough road but we made it and we’re both happier today than we have been in years.<p>You can do this, start with NO-CONTACT<p>oz<p>I just read your other post. You have to find a new Job. No-Contact It's the only way.<p>[ June 10, 2002: Message edited by: oswald ]</p>

#415161 06/10/02 03:40 PM
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Thanks for the insight. I KNOW I have to make the break and I guess I was looking for support in doing so. Is there a place on this site where I can go to find others who have gone through it and "survived"?

#415162 06/10/02 03:51 PM
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Hi Sparkle.<p>
General Questions and In Recovery both have WSs and BSs alike.<p>As Oswald said, be prepared for those who are in pain and may lash out... generally people here are very welcoming... especially if you are here to work on your marriage.<p>Recovery is a process, not something that happens overnight... but many here will tell you that it can happen... <p>Cali

#415163 06/10/02 03:51 PM
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Sparkle22:
<strong>Is there a place on this site where I can go to find others who have gone through it and "survived"?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I'm surviving but I guess from the other side of the picture. I just hotlinked this thread to the Recovery Board, there are some recovering WS's who may help. Also you may want to post in General Questions II but again fair warning it can get rough over there at times, don't take any negativity personally.<p>You can do this,<p>oz

#415164 06/10/02 03:52 PM
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Sparkle,<p>Hi, I survived it and lived to tell the story! What would you like to know? If you want to ask questions here or through e-mail just let me know. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>RW<p>P.S. This really is a wonderful place to be.

#415165 06/10/02 03:52 PM
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opps duplicate post<p>[ June 10, 2002: Message edited by: oswald ]</p>

#415166 06/10/02 03:52 PM
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Sparkle -
I am a betrayed spouse and my H and I went through almost two years of "recovery" until he could finally feel and commit his love for me. Okay, so, the ONLY thing you can do is cut off contact with this man COMPLETELY. It will be very painful but don't think the odd casual email or phonecall will be harmless. My H and OW communicated "casually" and it was very harmful. All that time he always kept something from me. <p>Another excellent book to read is "After the Affair" by Janis A. Spring. Get it - NOW.<p>AND - now you must come clean with your H...it will be so hard and he will be so hurt and probably angry. You will be faced with many many challenges but if you are in any way remotely serious about saving your marriage - I think you know what you must do.<p>Take care.

#415167 06/10/02 03:58 PM
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just a small note, <p> If you are serious about leaving this man, then when you have the urge to pick up the phone and call him.. pick up the phone and call your husband instead. when you have the urge to do something nice for him.. do it for your husband instead.
If we spouses learned to put as much attention into each other as we do other people there would be no affairs.
In time it will lesson and one day you will wake up and KNOW your going to be just fine.

#415168 06/10/02 03:59 PM
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I understand the no contact rule. I have tried it about 5 times. How can I make it stick? It is hard when he meets so many of my emotional needs.

#415169 06/10/02 03:59 PM
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Hi Sparkle,<p>Welcome to MB! I think that you'll find lots of support here from both sides of the fence (WS-Wayward Spouses and BS-Betryed Spouses)<p>There are lots of 'examples' of couples that have traveled the difficult road of infidelity and have a stronger marriage... and there are lots of examples of marriages that have ended in divorce.<p>As a BS, I made the decision to stay in my marriage and work on it. Your husband deserves to make the same decision. If you truly want to work on your marriage, then your FIRST step is to quit your job with the OM and end ALL contact (phone, e-mail, pagers, ect.). <p>You are only throwing gas on the fire as long as you continue contact.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I am having an affair with but don't have the courage to break it off completely. I love him.<hr></blockquote> Do you have the courage to go through a divorce? You are the only one that can do this. Do you have the courage to face your husband and watch him walk away from your marriage because he can't take any more humiliation and pain? Please don't take these comments as a 'slam'... I don't know you and you don't know me, but I do know the pain that your husband is feeling right now. I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy.<p>You must decide if you want your marriage, or if you want this OM. Your husband deserves you completely. If you decide that the OM is the one that you want, then you should file for divorce and stop stringing your husband along. The longer that you 'eat cake', the longer your recovery will be (if your husband decides to stay in the marriage). <p>I was lucky. My wife ended all contact over 12 years ago... and we're still dealing with the pain and hurt. <p>I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide.... <p>RIF90

#415170 06/10/02 04:01 PM
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I love this advice. I think it will help. Any more great ideas out there? I sit here at work and the day gets so long because I want to reach out to him (OM) and at work I have the privacy I lack at home.

#415171 06/10/02 04:03 PM
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Sparkle,<p>I'd also recommend getting the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder.... And reading all of the articles here on MB.<p>Again, best of luck. <p>RIF90

#415172 06/10/02 04:06 PM
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Sparkle22:
<strong>It is hard when he meets so many of my emotional needs.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Now we're getting some where, I wish I didn't have to leave the computer. Have you expressed what your EN are to your H? He has no chance to meet them if he doesn't know what they are and likewise you have no way to know how to meet his if he doesn't tell you. Further he has no chance to meet them while your still involved with the OM "Other Man"<p>As time goes on and your H replaces what OM has offered it will be so much more than you can imagine because it will be real.<p>oz<p>you can do this, take the first step..

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