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#415233 06/17/02 04:52 PM
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Ashirley,
I'm holding out hopes for being friends when we're 80 years old also and I've also thought things like "when both of our spouses are dead we will get married even if we are 90". I can't believe the strange things that I think and that make me think that there is hope for a life with the OM someday. My OM situation is more difficult because he would marry me and knowing this makes it even harder to stay with my H. Today I tried calling my H when I started to think of OM and it was o.k. but I felt bad afterwards because it just wasn't the excitement I feel when I hear OM's voice in the middle of the afternoon. I hate the comparing I do but I can't seem to help it.

#415234 06/17/02 05:12 PM
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Sparkle,
I'm proud of you for not calling or emailing? the other man today. Take each day as it comes, moment by moment.<p>If the OM was not available, would you leave your H? or would you leave your H only if the OM were available? You need to think about that. Because you really can't count on the OM being there for you. There are so many different factors involved. How long has the OM been married? Has he been married before?

#415235 06/19/02 01:41 PM
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Sparkle,
How are you doing?
AS

#415236 06/19/02 02:20 PM
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ashirley,
I'm having a busy day at work so haven't written but am happy to say I am doing pretty well. I am trying to stay busy and that really helps. I bought one of the Harley's books 2 nights ago and have been reading it. I am just taking it one hour at a time it seems since an hour or even 15 minutes rarely goes by that I don't want to contact OM or something comes up that I was to share with OM (who I considered my best friend). I am trying to focus on the positive traits that I enjoy in my husband and have been calling him with I feel the urge to contact OM. Sometimes I feel so good about myself and then other times I start the beginnings of the addictive feelings from the list you sent me. I'm also trying the tactic of contact a friend if I get in that mode. Anyway, I'm having a pretty good day. It is the one year anniversary of a 3 day business trip that OM and I took yesterday so that has been on my mind and I'd love to contact him to talk about that and share memories but what good would it do? How are you doing?

#415237 06/19/02 02:23 PM
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I have thought a lot about what you or someone said about "would you leave your husband if the OM wasn't in the picture." I don't think I would and that has given me a lot to think about. Also I think it was JL wrote alot on Mon. about "trading up" and how there is always someone better etc. It has given me a lot to ponder.

#415238 06/19/02 02:27 PM
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OM has been married once for 27 years and has 2 grown children. He really is a wonderful person and stuck by a woman with a lot of anger and problems and I know it sounds familiar but neither of us were looking for an A. We worked and traveled together a lot of hours and developed into a very close friendship where we shared so much, and spent so many hours alone together every day. The only thing that would have kept us from falling in love was if I would have seen it coming (and I probably did) I should has quit traveling with him and could have lessened our hours together at work but instead we went the opposite route. If onlys won't do any good though will they?

#415239 06/19/02 05:46 PM
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Hi Sparkle,
Nice to hear from you..sounds like your doing pretty well. I've had a hard week but I have hung in there and persevered...no contact or attempts at contact. I keep on running into triggers...a couple of which have seemed like extremely legitimate reasons to contact the OM. But I keep reminding myself that it's the addiction. I'm now getting a feeling of pride and accomplishment when I ride those feelings out...remember they will pass, and they do. I'm sure that the OM thinks that I'll break down and contact him sooner or later and I'm not going to let him say, "I knew she couldn't follow through." I am bound and determined to "win" this one.<p>One of the thing I would ask myself when I thought about leaving my H, was, how could I really do that..what would I say? All of my talk of love for him, care for him over all these years just lies? I realized that I would never be able to drive away and stay away. I could never do that to him or the kids. What would I say, I just love the OM more than I love you (and you're the one who's put up with me for all these years...no I'm not perfect.) I could never do it. I wish I could be friends with the OM, but I can't.<p>Hang in there Sparkle.
AS

#415240 06/20/02 02:04 PM
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Sparkle,
I’m glad to see your still hanging in there, and I can see you’re getting some good support. I really have nothing to add at this point, being on the other side I just have no experience with withdraw. But I will do anything I can to encourage you to keep plugging away.<p>I read something today and felt compelled to share it with you. I know you have strong feelings about OM and may disagree with some of it, but please read it with an open mind, it is reality.<p>Click Here To Read<p>oz

#415241 06/21/02 08:34 AM
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It has been a pretty good week. My husband and I have been getting a lot closer and I'm starting to really enjoy his company again. I got an e-mail from OM on Wed. and I just sent another brief reply with another No Contact request. I haven't heard again. I do miss him a lot but I can't believe how much better I feel about myself for having the strength to get by without him. I had lost my peace of mind and one of my goals was to regain it.

#415242 06/24/02 09:16 AM
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Hi Sparkle,
I hope you and your H had a nice weekend. Monday's are always hard for me. I just want to reconnect with the OM to start the week...I won't, but I hate even having to think about it. I look forward to the day where he's a fleeting memory and I get to the point where I won't allow myself to actually focus on the memories. <p>I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. Be strong, and feel free to write.
AS

#415243 06/24/02 09:25 AM
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Ashirley,
I am having the exact same problems. Yes, Mondays are the hardest. I guess it is because the OM and I fell in love at work and I always spent time talking and e-mailing at work etc. and I just correlate my time at work with contacting him. I want to e-mail him right away on Mon. morning and tell him about my weekend and see what he has going on this week etc. I try to keep really busy and this morning I e-mailed a couple friends to take my mind off contacting him. Thankfully there wasn't one from the OM when I got here today.
We had a wedding this weekend and the sermon really spoke to me. I'm trying to do a lot of reading also on marriage and love etc. It has helped and I am starting to feel a lot closer to my H and we did have a nice weekend. I just can't give him the connectedness he wants yet but I pray someday I will actually "feel" it. My husband has to many good qualities and it really does help to focus on them. I know what you mean about just wanting the A and the OM to be a part of your daily thoughts. I wonder if and when that would happen. Songs reallly trigger thoughts of the OM so I'm having to be very selective in what I listen to.
You will make it through today and so will I and Tues. will be better etc. Did you do anything fun with your H and family this weekend? We enjoyed the wedding danced and danced a lot and had all of our children home so it really was a nice weekend.

#415244 06/24/02 02:19 PM
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Hi Sparkle,
Ditto. My OM and I worked together as well, and even though I left that job a year and 2 months ago, I still think of him first thing in the morning. I'm glad there wasn't an email from him waiting for you...If you're at all like me, you are probably relieved and sad at the same time. Relieved, bc you know it's really for the best; but sad bc you miss him.<p>We did have a nice weekend as well. We went an listened to music outside at the art museum...they have great outdoor concerts and movies all summer long. The music was great and we danced. My H and I fell in love dancing, so it was really fun. We don't do it enough, so it was a treat. Then all of us (our two sons, 14 and 16) went back on Sat. night to sit out under the moon and see Butch Cassidy and the Sun Dance Kid. My H and I hadn't seen that in years and the boys had never seen it. It was alot of fun.<p>I'm finding that more and more often I'll find myself laughing and smiling and "being there" with my kids and H and realize that I really am actually happier now, with the OM out of the picture. I was miserable so much of the time while involved with him bc I always wanted more, but knew I'd never get enough. <p>It took a full year of false starts to finally end our contact...it's been about 9 weeks since we last had any contact. I'm a bit worried about running into him somewhere, I'm really not ready for that...but I also want to lead my life. So, I'm not going any places where there's a decent chance I'd see him...but I will go places where there's a remote chance. I hope you have a good rest of the day!
AS

#415245 06/24/02 04:17 PM
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Well, I called the OM this afternoon. I had a major trigger this afternoon that made me want to talk to him. After we talked for a few minutes I realized that he was starting to lose his pull on me. I began to just want off the phone and that had never happened. I have thought a lot about what an artificial world he and i were in during the A and as Ashirley said, how miserable I really felt much of the time during the A. Spending time with my husband again doing fun things has been great for me. I made an excuse to get off the phone with OM even though I had been the one to call him. I just don't feel the "need" to hear his voice like I thought I did I guess and that feels good. I knew today would be hard.

#415246 06/24/02 05:19 PM
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Hi Sparkle,
I'm glad you wanted to get off the phone and are feeling like the pull is leaving you. That's very positive. Do you talk about it with the OM? How is he dealing with this? Have you asked him not to contact you? and did you warn him that you might have a hard time following through? It's none of my business, I'm just curious. <p>I know that we are supposed to be more concerned about US, OUR H's, and OUR happiness and life, but I am concerned about the OM's happiness and life. I had tried to tell myself that it was really unfair, selfish, etc., of me to call or contact the OM unless I was really ready to leave my H and be available for the OM...otherwise it just wasn't very nice. What right did I have, leading this man on, if I really had no intention of leaving my H? Even though we both got pleasure out of the relationship I just didn't feel right about it.
Any thoughts?
AS

#415247 06/25/02 08:15 AM
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Ashirley,
I am starting to see that it isn't fair to OM either if we have any contact. He is in a really bad marriage and today I was thinking about how the situation differs for him and myself. My H and I probably had a very good marriage when the A happened and now I am working to rebuild that. Before I thought that I must have had a really bad marriage or the A wouldn't have happened but now I think it was more of a situational thing and that I could have guarded my heart and prevented it. Does that make sense to anyone else out there??
It is hard because I feel like I'm abandoning the OM and yesterday he sounded so sad and depressed but I HAVE to get over thinking that it is my responsibility to help him. I am a very caring and nurturing person so part of the reason we fell in love I think is because I did that for him and no one else did.
On the happy side...my H and I are just really enjoying each other again and I am looking for ways to make US happy again. That is a great feeling.
REading and studying about love, marriage, feelings etc. has taught me so much...along with experience.

#415248 06/25/02 08:24 AM
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Ashirley,
Thanks for the insight of the unfairness to the OM. I have been thinking about what you wrote and it really isn't fair is it? I know now that leaving my H isn't what I have to make it clearer to OM that there is No future for us. It is hard because that means telling the OM that he should go ahead with his life and if that means divorcing his wife and finding love with someone else I have to deal with it. I have been afraid that if he got a divorce I wouldn't know what I would do. Would I leave my H then? At one time I thought I would but Now I don't think so and his divorcing his wife is a real possibility. I would have a hard time dealing with it right now so the No contact is really important so I can rebuild my marriage and be strong if that situation arises.
It is strange how now that I am beginning to lose the addiction I can see faults in the OM. I definitely have had blinders on when it came to any faults in him and the more I distance myself I begin to see if in a clearer light and that our life together wouldn't have been as PERFECT as I thought. We never had a disagreement, said a harsh word or had anything go wrong between us and that was so appealing, I'm starting to realize that why would we have those things, we weren't dealing with the realities of everyday life but in a fantasy world where there were no shared bills, children, in-laws, chores to be done or anything except romantic talks, walks, meals etc.

#415249 06/27/02 09:41 AM
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Hi Sparkle,
I’m glad that things are going better for you. These things are so hard and when fantasy and reality mix, it can be so confusing. <p>Does your H know a lot about your affair with the OM? How did/has he dealt with it? How did he treat you? How did he find out about it?<p>You can’t worry about you OM’s happiness. He has to figure out what to do on his own….you can only hope and pray that he is able to figure it out and find happiness, bc you care about him and in doing so, you want him to be happy, even if it can’t be with you. <p>One of the things I have found so hard is that no matter how hard I tried to “get real” about what it would really be like leaving my H and boys, going through property distribution, selling property; diving retirement funds; arranging family time around holidays, celebrating special occasions, dealing with and ex-wife, and step children, etc., I still found my heart tugging for the OM. It’s so disconcerting. I just don’t understand. So I have decided that I not only was in love with the OM, but I was also in love with my perfect fantasy and life in an idyllic setting with NO stress and confrontation. Like you, the OM and I got a long great and never shared harsh words or disagreement, we had a perfect fantasy relationship.<p>Some days are better than others, and I am making progress. Proof is in the fact that I haven’t contacted him. So that’s good.<p>Good luck and be strong!
AS

#415250 06/28/02 08:16 AM
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My husband found out about the A one year ago.Tomorrow is my birthday. For my birthday last year I spent the day with the OM and we decided we were going to be together and get divorced etc. and get married. The next day my H and I had an outing planned for my birthday. We were in a public place and I couldn't touch him or look at him and he was so confused and asked what was wrong and finally I blurted out " I want a divorce and I am in love with OM" I was firm in my position at the time. He didn't know what to do or say except that he was in shock. We returned home (thankfully the kids were gone). I wanted to leave that night. The next day he gave me a long letter he's written and I told him I was going to be with the OM. When the OM came to meet me he told me we'd better rethink the situation and he was disturbed because his priest had given a sermon on families and marriage that day. Anyway, my husband has stood by me and although he didn't know of the Harley's (I don't think) he read a couple other books and I'd say he plan A'd perfectly. I continued to work with the OM and see him all the time until Sept. when OM's wife got suspicious and forced me to leave the job. I continued a lot of contact with OM until Dec. and then my H found us together. I have made half-hearted efforts to enforce No contact since then but now I finally think I can and really, truly want to make it work. I just couldn't stand the roller coaster of emotions I was on any more.
Ashirley, did you lose weight during the A? I hear that often happens. I'm not heavy but looked really great during the A because I lost about 15 lbs. Now I'm gaining it back and I hate that. That was another aspect of the mythical perfection of the A.
This morning my husband was holding me and I could look him in the eyes and tell him I loved him! That felt so good. We have a fun day planned tomorrow for my birthday.
I am pretty sure the OM will send me something today for my birthday.

#415251 06/28/02 10:27 AM
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Hi Sparkle,
First of all, Happy Birthday! I'm glad your remembering how much you love your Husband.

Wow. Like you said, what a roller coaster it’s been. Hat’s off to your H. Like yours, because of good judgement and common sense, mine H planned A’d perfectly for the two years I was involved with the OM. He never quit loving me or pushed me into hating him and wanting to leave him bc he was being so mean to me etc….

The weight thing is an issue for me as well. (I’m so glad I’m not alone!!!) I too am not overweight, but I lost 15 pounds through the ordeal…and I loved the way I looked and felt about my body. I have gained some of the weight back, and it’s a constant battle, and I HATE it. Having an A is a great way to maintain or lose weight! Unfortunately, the consequences of that diet plan are too selfish, stupid, short-sighted, deadly and unproductive to make it a realistic plan. So, I just do the best I can. I exercise, try not to eat too much, and try not to focus on that aspect. What have you tried?

I hope you have a nice birthday with your H. I hope the OM doesn’t call you or reach out. If he really is a person of character, ethics, and strength, he won’t do that. You know that it’s for the best for him to quit contact. It’s really not nice or thoughtful of him to continue reaching out. In the very short run, it might make you feel good or special, but it’s not the best thing for YOU. I don’t want to sound harsh or mean, but his continuing to contact you, return your calls or emails is such a weak and selfish thing for him to do. You’ve already been through this with him, you have decided to make your marriage work; as hard as it is for him to do, if he cares about you and your happiness, he needs to let go and move on.

In case he doesn't reach out to you bc of your birthday, I want to remind you that it's for the best.

After having met and gotten to know my OM, I now know that I could be happy with more than one man. In fact, I feel certain that I could have been happy with the OM in the long run. But I also know that I will be happy with my H as well. Plus, my decision to be happy with my H isn’t just about me. It’s about me, my H, my children, my parents, my sisters, their husbands, their children, my husband’s parents, his siblings, his siblings spouses, his nieces and nephews, his friends, my friends, our friends, not to mention all of the same on my OM’s side. A divorce permanently and negatively impacts the lives of so many people. Unfortunately, divorce not something we do in a vacuum. We made a commitment to our husbands, our families and friends to make our marriage’s work and to bring our children up in happy, loving, intact families. For me, staying with my H and making my marriage work has nothing to do with religion, it has to do with character and commitment. We have to do everything we can to bring our children (even as adults) up in secure, loving, intact families.

I will admit, there can be exceptions though. Sometimes we do end up with people we are not compatible with, who are weak and selfish, or mean and unloving, or unethical and immoral …It would be different if that was your case. If you didn’t love your H, or if he was a jerk, made you feel miserable, treated you poorly, etc. No one should have to live with a total creep, no matter how many lives you’ll disrupt by divorcing. But it sounds like your H is a good person who loves and adores you and wants to make you happy. No, he’s not perfect, but neither are we. We will never, ever find a perfect situation…there will always be some issues or problems. But we owe it to ourselves and our loved ones, to make the very best of our situations…we have so much to work with.

Sorry for the rambling…(you know I’m talking to you as well as to myself!)
Take care Sparkle, I’m just trying to help.

AS

#415252 06/28/02 11:06 AM
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I've had a morning of meetings at work and went just went to my mailbox. Of course there was a card from OM. And it was a wonderful verse and since he is a writer by profession, he had written something caring. It sounds cruel, but I will read it again and then throw it in the trash.
The weight issue is really a problem for me and it is SO immature and stupid. I agree with you that the reason for the weight loss wasn't anything good but I too felt so great about how I look. I guess it is good I don't have that feeling that made me lose my appetite like last summer but when I put on some pants that were too big last summer and they fit fine now (even a little tight) I was really depressed this morning. I think I'm using cooking and eating as somewhat of a crutch now or something to do to forget the OM. Anyway, I work out a lot and can't believe what a stress reliever that has been. My husband has been joining me and that is fun. But it is curious to me that you have struggled with the same issue.
And I too have come to the conclusion that there isn't just one person that I could be happy with but maybe several in the world! That paragraph you wrote about the family relationships that would be destroyed was one of the main reasons I stayed with my H. I couldn't imagine telling my parents, his parents all the nieces and nephews (they love my H) etc. Not to mention the devastation to our children. All of the things I KNOW still don't make the love for OM less. I am still seeing the only thing that works in No contact and spending time with and working to "fall in love" with my H again. Are you seeing love as a choice now instead of falling? I will certainly be "on guard" for the rest of my life. I don't ever want to go through this gut wrenching experience again. I just want to get over the OM and be happy where I am.
Ashirley- are you surprised by the similarities in our situations/feeling? I am. But maybe we are just falling into some common pattern? What do you think?

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