Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 973
Y
Member
OP Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 973
Broken:<P>I've got to be in San Antonio at UTSA for some meetings with a client and some witnesses on Tuesday, Jan. 11. My meetings should run until about 5:00 PM, and I won't want to fight the traffic leaving S.A and returning to Austin at that time.<P>Was wondering if you might be free to grab a burger and a beer that day. You can let me know via the forum, or you can email me at dannop23@hotmail.com.<P>How was your New Year, by the way? Hope all is well.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 273
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 273
Hey LS!!!<P>Man...Great to hear from you!! I would love to get together however....Jan. 11 is my b-day and my W and I are going to her parents to celebrate. Sorry. But...I really do want to get together. Are you coming in any other times? We live pretty close to UTSA and it is a straight shot from the house. It would be great to hook up for a beer and burger if we can make it another time. It would be kinda hard to say "honey, I have to break our date to see a fellow betrayed brother of mine"!!!! I think you understand huh?!!<P>How about the next time you come down? I really feel bad about this!! I think it would be fun!!<P>By the way, which way do you come down? <P>If you use I35 let me make another suggestion on going back home.<P>Take US 281 north from San Antonio(you go across it to get back to 35 from UTSA)then hit 290 East and that runs straight into Austin.<P>35 is a killer at that time of day and 281 is much faster and a much prettier drive.<P>Sorry again but I REALLY DO want to get together.<P>Let me know...

Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 3,045
C
cl Offline
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 3,045
hi guys, have you met in person before? I had to ask because I met one of our members, and it was great fun! Kind of strange to 'know' someone from the inside out, and I enjoyed every minute of it. I hope the two of you get to meet!! cl

Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 973
Y
Member
OP Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 973
Broken:<P>No sweat! Happy Birthday (early). I'm sure I'll be coming back to San Antonio many times in the near future. I have this one case with UTSA, and I'm sure I'll get more with other Texas state agencies in town too.<P>Thanks, also, for the tip on getting home. I'm not too familiar with the roads around central Texas, so I was planning to stay on I-35. Now, I'll have an alternate way to go!<P>I'll be sure to let you know when I'm in town again. Two of my best friends from college just divorced each other, and she recently moved back to S.A. (she's from there). So, I'm sure Petunia and I will be coming down on some weekends to visit her occasionally. Plus, I'll be making some trips for court appearances and for depositions and stuff like that too.<P>I'm sure we'll hook up eventually! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>--------------<P>CL:<P>No, we've never met, but we've been talking about it for a while. I've just never had occasion to be in San Antonio and Broken hasn't made it up to Austin since we've talked about it.<P>Glad to hear YOUR experience went well. I tend to believe the best about people (until they give me a reason not to), and I would love to meet MB'ers in person. I know the anonymity of it all is sort of special, but when you meet some kindred spirits through this kind of thing, I just think it would be a shame not to at least TRY to meet if the opportunity arises.<P>But, then, I guess I'm just a friendly guy! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P><BR>

Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 3,045
C
cl Offline
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 3,045
I hope the two of you will meet in 2000.<BR>I met fighter. Will try to see him again the end of this month if he has time. Drained mentioned she would be around too. <BR>Happy New Year to you and Petunia!!

Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 973
Y
Member
OP Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 973
Moving to the top.<p>[This message has been edited by Lone Star (edited January 06, 2000).]

Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 1,299
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 1,299
Lonestar:<P>Please give an update on your recovery progress. I have missed reading your posts, your advice to others has helped my husband and me very much. Thanks!

Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 973
Y
Member
OP Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 973
Peppermint:<P>Thanks for asking! I'm not sure when the last time I gave an update was, but I can tell you that things are continuing to improve with me and Petunia.<P>It's been almost 10 months since Discovery Day, and we've never been better. It's helped that we moved out of Dallas and are away from the location of the whole situation. It also helps that we've both found new jobs and are happier in them.<P>I guess we're living proof that if you just gut it up and push through the hard stuff, you'll eventually get to a better relationship. It reminds me of a saying I heard: "If you're going through hell in your life, don't stop there!"<P>Thanks for the praise, Peppermint. It's nice to know that Petunia's and my recovery from her affair is able to help others in THEIR recoveries.<P>I hope you and H manage to push through the hard stuff. You've obviously got MORE to deal with than we do because you have children, but it CAN be done. Just stay focused on the light at the end of the tunnel, and do whatever it takes to get yourselves there.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 273
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 273
I knew you would understand!!<P>It's great to hear that you will be back in soon. We will get together. I actually haven't told my W. I don't know why I am worried...I guess that when I bring up anything to do with the situation it brings her down. She hates me thinking about it!!...but she knows that this board saved my life. I might even invite her if you don't mind? It would be really great to get together. <P>I hope those directions work for you. It usually takes a little longer, but if you were to to 35 at that time it will probably be quicker.<P>Keep me informed!!!<P>Hope y'all are doing well!!!

Joined: Feb 1999
Posts: 588
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Feb 1999
Posts: 588
Hi, LoneStar, Broken, et al!<P>Just horning in here to say 'howdy' - haven't been on the board much at all during the holidays, but have done a little reading lately.<P>LS, I'm so glad to hear things are going so well for you & 'Tunia! I love your saying about being in hell... that's a keeper! Glad to hear the job(s) are going well too.<P>Hope you guys get a chance to get together - we haven't accomplished that yet, but there are a handful we keep tabs on & would love to meet. Dunc gets to TX every now & then.<P>Anyway,no big news... just still enjoying that place "after hell" like crazy, glad you're getting there too, & wanted to say HI! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>

Joined: May 1999
Posts: 358
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 358
Hey all!<P>Ditto. What she said. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>I do agree, Cowboy Dan. There is a special unique sort of kindred intimacy that develops in groups such as this. Sort of magical, eh? If...IF... we allow ourselves to open up to the possibilities a bit.<P>Yeah, Suse and I do keep up with some folks here. Odds are good we'll meet someday. You all know who you are [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] It'd be such a lost opportunity if we din't meet some day.<P>Hmmmm... wonder if we could get a bunch of us together in Dallas? It'd be centrally located... most might fly there pretty cheap on Southwest Airlines. Hmmmmm!

Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 273
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 273
Hey S&DM<P>Glad to hear from y'all...it would be great if we could all get together. I really wonder sometimes if y'all know how much you two have helped me and the others here. Such insight and calming knowledge. I just don't know what I would have done without everyone here.<P>I remember in particular one post that Suse gave to me about the withdrawal phase of my W. I think that one post is what made me able to hang in there and get to where we are now. She was able to hit the nail on the head with everything in retrospect. So once again ....THANKS!!!<P>You know...I let my wife know about the post from LS and I kinda got a wierd response. I can't pinpoint her feelings but she just seemed kinda uncomfortable with me meeting with someone from this board. I just wonder if it was the subject of her infidelity brought to the forefront again that made her uncomfortable or just that she hates me thinking about it. <P>What do y'all think it could be? She never really posted here but we did go to counselling with Steve H. and she knows that I "used" to post here. I just wonder if she thinks that we don't "need" to bring it up anymore.<P>Suggestions?<p>[This message has been edited by Broken (edited January 07, 2000).]

Joined: May 1999
Posts: 358
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 358
Hey there B,<P>Awww gorsh! *scuffing toe* [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Seriously, thanks. I really appreciate hearing that we could be of help. But, then again, all you guys have been help to us too, yannoo. <P>Suse and I have learned a lot here during this past year as well while sharing what we'd already learned. We did a lot of healing here too. I guess I just tend to see us as just a little further into the process than you, LS, or some of the others may be. Both Suse and I have a tendency to gloss over how really difficult we did make it for each other previously. Stupid, but we did.<P>Okay...now...my "take" on the squirrelly reaction from your W... Fear.<P>Yep, she's afraid she'll be judged or not measure up. She's afraid she'll be embarrassed. She's afraid to dredge up some awful historic events.<P>I can understand. Bet you can as well. Heck, I'm not proud of what I did. Oh, I understand and accept what I did. And, I've come to terms with it all. I sometimes might even seem casual about my infidelity (or Suse's). But, it's only because I've grown to accept it all.<P>Self-loathing. Yes, Suse did it for years. She was VERY uncomfortable with her past. <P>As for suggestions? Well.... keep talking, follow POJA, etc. Be supportive. But, keep moving forward. If you can totally accept her, totally accept yourself...it'll make it easier for her to accept it all.<P>Hope to catch you soon. Best,<P>DMac

Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 973
Y
Member
OP Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 973
Dunc:<P>I'll do the MB Reunion thang, especially if it's in Dallas! Always looking for reasons to go "home."<P>It's too bad my job doesn't bring me to the East Coast. Wouldn't it be nice to drop in on you and Suse sometime when ye least expect it? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>--------<P>Broken,<P>I agree with Dunc. I think your wife probably just doesn't want to "dredge" up the old stuff. Of course, you've GOT to rehash it a little bit. If ya gloss over it and just "forget" about it, you might be doomed to repeat it, and NOBODY wants that. Just be sure that if ya DO talk about it occasionally, it's not done in a way to "throw it back in her face."<P>I would bet, also, that part of your W's reaction might be due to embarassment. With the nameless, faceless internet, nobody "knows" that she's the one who did this thing. If she met one of us from MB, then we'd have a face to put with that "awful" thing<P>I understand it, but it still makes me sad. I've grown SO much from all of this that it's hard for me to judge anyone anymore. "Judge not, lest ye be judged," right?<P>Let her know that I wouldn't hold her infidelity against her. Heck, if anything, I'm a LOT more understanding than many. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Mebbe she just needs more time to recover! It's only been a few months, right?<P>I'll let you know the next time I come to San Antonio!<P>D'Mac, you gotta let me know when you're gonna be in the Lone Star State! I would make a special trip to Big D just to meet ya (as long as it's on a weekend! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com])<P>L8R, guys!<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

Joined: Feb 1999
Posts: 588
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Feb 1999
Posts: 588
Hi again, gang,<P>Thanks for the kudos, Broken [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]. Makes it all worthwhile!<P>You know, I think your W's squirrely reaction is definitely guilt/ shame/ embarrassment/ major aversion. After all, she knows her affair was not exactly her *finest moment*! <P>It'll be quite awhile - I'm probably talkin' *years* - before she is fairly comfortable with it and/or can joke about it. I can tell you from experience: that shame runs DEEP. It is truly life-altering. For me, one of the healing bennies of being on this forum was a chance to purge some of that awful feeling by making something good and useful out of it (at long last!). Maybe someday it can do the same for your W, or 'Tunia?? <P>It also let Dunc & me "revisit" some old issues and finally put them to rest. Actually, come to think of it, I highly recommend posting here jointly as a good post-affair therapy! Cleans up a lot of those leftover "ghosts" as you discuss things happening on the board. We've spent many an evening over a glass of wine (okay, *two* ... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]) talking about this place.<P>And now a warning for both you guys: one of the effects of that shame on me was a long-term feeling of being "unworthy", of being "one-down" from Dunc, which I dealt with by remaining sort of emotionally withdrawn from him (*more* damaging affair fallout [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com])... I called it The Wall, and truly had a terrible time breaching it. So be on the lookout for a kind of distance or subdued affect toward you... difficulty your W's may have opening up to you... being joyful in your relationship... in other words, trouble feeling like she *deserves* a wonderful relationship with you. This fallout can sabotage your relationship all over again. Bummer, I know, but fore-warned is fore-armed, right? <P>I would LOVE to meet you guys some time. Hope we can work it out!<P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>

Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 273
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 273
Thanks DM,S, and LS...<P>Wow!!<P>I guess I kinda knew it would be something like this. But y'all's perspective makes me realize it. I think that yes she is still uncomfortable with it and it hasn't been a year yet.<P>I was just thinking about the same thing that you said this w/end. I really don't ever want her feeling that I am "one-up" on her. I know that could kill us. Should I bring that up to her? I just want her to know that I want us to be even. I think that could have been a big problem for us before the EA anyway. I was always putting her so high up on a pedastle that when she did fall it felt like an even bigger fall to her. I just want her to know that we are equal. No revenge,taking her for granted, nothing but lessons learned.<P>Suse...what did DM do to make you realize that he was not "one-up"? Or did his affair do that?<P>I have been so aware of the "Wall" that you preach about and it is in my mind daily. I don't want her to feel that way.<P>I can honestly say that the "honeymoon" period is ending now and we are moving into a different phase of recovery. Sometimes we do joke a little(very little) about it. Like when I see a black Camry on the road I do a quick acceleration like I am going to run into the back of it!! That gets a giggle or to from her.<P>I will be looking for that wall. Should I address the "one-up" issue? If not, how do I defuse that feeling?....

Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 973
Y
Member
OP Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 973
Good advice, Suse. I'm bringing this up to the top, because I think a LOT of betrayers who suffer that feeling of shame could get a benefit out of it.<P>Some day we'll work out the details of a get-together! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5