I see that you totally understand!! Our whole marriage WAS about control - I'd have to say that most if not all of our problems were a result of our unacknowledged war for power and control.
But I stopped dancing that dance. And when I moved the buttons that he had been pushing - that's when REAL trouble started!! I started trying to learn to take care of myself, rather than fight him for control over things that were his, or simply out of any control.
Setting boundaries are hard, which is why I thankfully had counseling and a sponsor to assist me...it can too easily become another method of control. I have to admit, even now, I still slip into the dance now and again. But I recognize, apologize, and start over. It's getting easier and easier!
My problem, I think, is that I keep forgetting that he hasn't done the growing, learning and experience that I have now. He's still trying to get me to come dance the old dance. I really shouldn't be shocked at the idea that his return home is because he didn't like things being out of his control.
As for counseling, I'm not in counseling ATM. I've got a very good Al-Anon sponsor, and you folks. I'll probably give Steve Harley another call on occaision too. My H is seeing a priest to work on his own stuff. I do believe that he'll be happy to go to counseling with me though, after he's sorted out some of his own issues. He was in counseling with me twice before this, and I'm don't think it will be hard to get him to go again.
LetSTry ~ yep, those darn old boundaries keep being interpreted as 'control'!! When I don't react to the old button pushing, it's as if he thinks I've won a round in the control game, and we can't let that happen now can we?
btw, I'm great at spouting off at other people...I can't seem to take my own advice. Us codependents are great at fixing everyone else's lives but our own! That's why my advice or opinions should ALWAYs come with a grain of salt!!
Pain is a given, misery is optional.