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#892172 10/31/00 04:38 PM
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Hi to all,<P>I'm the BS, about 2 months past d-day. THis are progressing "Interestingly" but overall, better than I ever expected. (I expected murder, divorce, mayhem...)<P>My wife and I've talked occasionally about a vasectomy for me. I don't fancy condoms etc. Makes things a bit difficult for me. We have 2 kids now, and at this point (44 yrs old) I am determined not to have any new young'uns.<P>I've been thinking about having it done more lately. I'm thinking of bringing the subject up with my wife at the therapist's office this week, or maybe now now, not yet. One common thing I've read is not to decide to have it done under stress. However, as you will certainly expect, stress is what I'm swimming in right now.<P>Any suggestions? Any experiences? Any jokes?<P>Thanks in advance to all.<BR><P>------------------<BR>*************************<BR>Thronx - one of the statistics....<BR>*************************

#892173 10/31/00 04:57 PM
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Well, the only issue is, do YOU ever want to have any more kids?<P>If the answer is "no," then I'd say go for it. The procedure is quick and relatively painless. However, make ABSOLUTELY SURE you don't want any more kiddies! Think about it this way: If, heaven forbid, you and your W were to divorce, and you met someone new who wanted kiddies...?<P>That's what I may have to deal with soon...6 months after my "horses were corralled" my W announced she wanted a divorce!

#892174 10/31/00 05:30 PM
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My W's A was about 14 months after the big V. I had mine done really young because we had two healthy happy children and that was all th WE wanted. When WE may have been obsolete, it was one of the first things I thought about. Make sure you guys are committed to your M before you make an appointment.

#892175 10/31/00 11:20 PM
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thronx....<P>You can rid yourself of all the stress in the world...but when you lay back on that bed with your legs up in the stirrups and that doctor takes a blade to your privates, you will experience a new level of stress that will blow the "stress-gauge" off the wall! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>But...all in all....I'm glad I got it done. It really wasn't that bad...and makes all the difference in the world...but I will warn you that within the 12 hours after having it done, you will worry that you will never 'get it up' again! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Go for it....it really is wonderful. You'll kick yourself for not having it done earlier.<p>[This message has been edited by lighthouse (edited October 31, 2000).]

#892176 11/01/00 07:15 AM
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Just a few thoughts on vasectomy...<BR>I do believe it is one of the greatest methods of birth control, but not wthout a few drawbacks. <BR>There are men that experience chronic pain and inflammation post vasectomy. Also, ranulomas can develop at the site where the vas is separated causing small bumps to develop in the scrotum-usually these do not cuase problems, but sometimes a revision needs to be done to remove the granuloma and surrounding tissue.<BR>Just wanted you to know there is a certain amt of risk involved in any procedure, and while rare, things happen.<BR>From the psych side....my h feels that having a vasectomy made it easier for him to screw around. worries abt unwanted pregnancies from the OWs. <P>

#892177 11/01/00 09:34 AM
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Thanks to all.<P>cjack - I, personally, don't want any more. At all. Nada. I have 2 great kids now, and I don't want to be doing diapers when I should be thinking about other stuff. The thing about the timing for you, that sort of thing seems to happen a bit too much recently. (Cat sickens and dies as does "old" marriage, a wart on my ring finger begins to disappear after d-day...)<P>HadBetterDays - if my marriage ever failed, I don't think I'd be up for someone who wanted kids.<P>lighthouse - yeah, I read a short piece in a New York Times Magazine a while back about this guy's own experience. Seemed ok except when he described the anaesthetic injection. Aaarrgg! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>cl - thank you for the POV. Even though I am the BS, that's an interesting point. I can reverse it as well - I was thinking about my relief about not having to use b'control, but then again, what may my wife think about it? What meaning will it have for her? A lovebuster? Interesting. Anyway, no hurry. When it's right I'll raise the issue. (You bet in the therapist's office...)<P>Best to you all,<P><BR>------------------<BR>*************************<BR>Thronx - one of the statistics....<BR>*************************<p>[This message has been edited by Thronx (edited November 01, 2000).]

#892178 11/01/00 12:34 PM
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This may be a good idea, but not a good time. There is no reason to rush this decision. It is one of those "once it's done, it can't be undone" kind of things. So, no I wouldn't even dare bring it up now. Too tender a subject. Could seem like rejection even if it is something you've been thinking of for years.

#892179 11/01/00 02:12 PM
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Thanks and cheers, Popeye.<P>------------------<BR>*************************<BR>Thronx - one of the statistics....<BR>*************************

#892180 11/01/00 02:25 PM
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Hey...BEST THING I EVER DID!!! Everything still works, NOTHING changes except you just shoot blanks...I had mine done 15 years ago...no problems...no regrets. Just make sure it is the right time to do it for the BOTH of you.<P>Had some complications when I had it done...but that was my fault. If you do it LISTEN to the Dr. on what to do and NOT to do<p>[This message has been edited by dumone (edited November 01, 2000).]

#892181 11/01/00 03:44 PM
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Thronx,<BR>I had my v about 2 months after the divorce. I too am 44 and decided I did not to raise anymore kids as I have 2 already.<P>Post divorce I have dated 2 women, one was 31 and never had children. The subject never came up whether she wanted children or not. The second woman was 41 and has 2 children. The subject did come up that she did not wnat anymore. So I would have been prepared if things had worked out.<P>I may have to follow up on what CL said though as I seem to have some small lumps. They are are in located in the area where my leg joins my body and occaisonally tight clothes cause pressure there. This is really where I had the pain after the procedure. I switched from briefs to boxers and that helped a lot.

#892182 11/01/00 04:01 PM
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<BR>Vasectomies are known to cause chronic prostatitis. I haven't had a vasectomy, but I have chronic prostatitis. It is NOT a fun disease. <P>Bystander

#892183 11/01/00 04:09 PM
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Ok...<P>I will be the voice that cries out in the wilderness...<P><B>Don't do it!!!</B><P>You can call me hypocrital since I had it done to me about 6 years...<BR>...and this was the worst thing I have ever done...<BR>...I do blame the vasectomy as part of the demise of my marriage... and for my weakness, in giving into my W's request of me to do so.<P>I understand everyone's rationale...<BR>I understand also... for me... it was wrong!<P>It devalued med...<BR>It turned me into a "sex object"... (it's OK to laugh guys)...<BR>A toy to be used whenever... (no fear of pregnancy)...<BR>Less of a person/husband...<BR>...more of a "thing".<P>It removed who I was...<BR>The real me...<BR>...and... NO... this is not a "machismo thing"...<BR>...my security in my masculinity has never been in question...<BR>...until I got the vasectomy!<P>Who I was, was a whole man...<BR>...uncorrupted... as when I married my W.<P>Afterwords...<BR>...did my sex life increase... yep...<BR>...did my fulfillment increase... nope...<P>If anything, it made my W's appetite for the more <I>bizzare</I> increased... to the the point of moving to those Internet "talks" with the OM...<BR>..."talks"... about the OM's "freedom flannel"... and my W's "silk desires".<BR>...to the sites on domination... S&M... lesbian stories... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>My W no longer thought of sexual intimacy as a gift to each other...<BR>...a precious gift...<BR>...it turned the act into one of pure selfishness.<P>And for me... that's what the sterilization... was all about!...<BR>Selfishness of "using the other spouse".<P>This is my perspective.<BR>Many... most... maybe all others disagree...<P>I only thank you for an opportunity to let me write about this subject...<BR>...which for me had been a clear disaster for my marriage.<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

#892184 11/01/00 05:27 PM
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Thronx,<P>I guess it comes down to what you want out of life. I would talk to your wife about it. I know Tony's parents are raising accident kids and though I am sure they love them I am also sure they wish they never had them.<P>For me, I wish Tony would get one. I have no desire for children and the vasectomy is easier to get than to have my tubes tied. <P>Invesitage every aspect of it and then decide between the two of you. Explaine to your wife why you want it and both of you really talk about it.

#892185 11/01/00 05:36 PM
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I had suggested that my H have a vasectomy, but he was reluctant for a long time - then he suddenly visited a doctor to schedule one without mentioning it in advance. A year later his affair started. Was there a connection - I don't know. His OW is in her late 40's, so pregnancy probably wouldn't have been too likely anyway. I think it did affect his self-esteem. In any case, he just added it to the things he resented me for but never bothered to mention, along with my not having gone back to work yet by the time our sixth child was a toddler.

#892186 11/01/00 06:18 PM
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Jim...Jim...Jim...<P>Wow....what a story! I am not going to 'doubt' you here...andjust take this as a bit of "tongue and cheek"...but you almost sound like Al Gore ...blaming all of America's problems on the Republicans because they didn't act sooner to fix the hole in the ozone. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>I mean...that really is stretching things a bit. Nothing personal, friend....but that is quite a load to put out here for someone wanting to get a simple procedure done. <P>

#892187 11/01/00 09:20 PM
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{lighthouse},<P>I'm not Al Gore... (or Al Gore-<I>like</I>)....<BR>...blame is on no one else but <B>me</B>!<P>...I suppose you feel... an abortion is another "simple procedure"...<P>The <B><I>load</I></B> is how you carry the consequences of your actions...<BR>...had I understood the consequences of <B>all</B> the actions in my marriage better...<BR>...my divorce could have been avoided.<P>Would I recommend this "simple procedure" to anyone (man or woman)... NO!<P>And yes... I honestly believe that you move from being a giver/taker to a user... by asking this of your spouse.<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

#892188 11/01/00 10:10 PM
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Jiiiiimmmmmm......Pa-leeeeaaaassseeeeeee...<P>Hey...I have nothing against you...you seem like a nice guy...but now....you are suggesting that we put a vasectomy and abortion in the same category? My goodness...that is so absurd, that I won't even be offended by that. But I am just dumbfounded by your line of thinking here.<P>I know you are so helpful to people here...kind and considerate...and cheerful even in the midst of your own personal pain. And I am so sorry for all that you have gone through. But please...don't imply that because I and my wife chose to permantnly avoid pregnancy by me getting a vasectomy, that we would have as easily chosen abortion as well. We have three beautiful children. The oldest is in college. All three of them are actively serving the Lord and active in church.<P>They have been taught our values and abhor the thought of abortion. My wife and I would never in a million years consider it or even suggest it to anyone else. <P>So again...I am puzzled over your flippant remark that would lump the two together (vasectomy and abortion)<P>Since I have read many of your post,I will just assume that I am not understanding your line of thinking. I started out with just a bit of 'tongue and cheek' with you. But I must be missing something somewhere.<P>Blessings to you my friend. You have the gift of encouragement here. Please don't let me interfere with that.<P> Lighthouse...(and an infertile one at that) [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

#892189 11/02/00 02:42 AM
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wow. I'm with lighthouse, Jim!<P>The remark "And yes... I honestly believe that you move from being a giver/taker to a user... by asking this of your spouse" is particularly offensive to me as a woman. My response is this: Asking your wife to continue to be a baby factory is pretty "taker" sounding also.<P>There have been many cases of a man ruining his marriage by getting a vasectomy done against the will of his wife when she would like to have more kids - but this would have to be the first time I've heard of your angle.<P>Sorry, but it just doesn't sound quite ... "right" to me.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

#892190 11/02/00 07:34 AM
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Yes...<P>Society says it's OK...<BR>...so it must be "right".... right????<P>The one post says...<BR>..."any jokes"... ...right???<P>Obviously, these are <B>my</B> beliefs...<BR>...and I don't to impose them on anyone, other than through explaining my experiences.<P>I don't find them at all at odds with the basic principles of respecting <B><I>all</I></B> life.<P>As I said today's society, isn't about respecting life...<BR>...abortion<BR>...RU486<BR>...physician assisted suicide<BR>...euthanasia<BR>...<B>just do whatever to take the struggle out of life</B>!<P>...let's only have one child... ...or none...<BR>......everyone says the world is being over populated!<BR>......it will be financially easier<BR>......we can spread more love on just one child<BR>......we live life a bit easier with just one child<BR>......being a TINC is what you want you should be<P>I went to Hungary this summer for a vacation with my kids...<BR>...the birth rate is negative... (direction for all <I>civilized</I> countries)<BR>...and the population is dropping like a rock<BR>...in the next 100 years... the population could drop 40% or more.<BR>...and yes... materialism is a major cause.<P>--------------------------------------------<P>I believe that when I got married...<BR>...part of the reason was... to have children...<BR>...to be co-creators (no not a power trip... ...but a humble participant in a special gift) with God.<P>"Baby factory"...<BR>...I don't think so...<BR>...I'm not talking about keeping my W "barefoot and pregnant" the rest of her life...<BR>...a true gift has no "imprisonment" behind it.<P>I believe that my gift of virginity to my W actually meant something...<BR>...it didn't<BR>...just bearly a "sweet thing" as she wrote about it to her "Internet friends".<BR>It wasn't a gift at all.<BR>Knowing there was no chance I had any STDs meant nothing to her...<BR>...that I was to be her's alone... likewise meant nothing.<P>To me...<BR>the intimacy of marriage...<BR>the gift to each other...<BR>...means much more than a comfortable lifestyle... simply because 2 can live at the cost of 1.6<P>Being unselfish is more than just buying Christmas/Birthday gifts for the spouse...<BR>Going on vacations without the kids...<BR>A "date-night"...<P>It means turning self-ish wants aside...<BR>...for the other.<P>--------------------------------------------<P>I know most will find these ideas anachronistic...<BR>...ideas of a bygone era... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Will I ever find another woman who agrees with my ideas/beliefs?...<BR>...it may be a sad fact of today's societal influences...<BR>...I may not.<P>And so I dedicate my life to my kids, my family and my church...<BR>...and oh yeah... to be around here a while longer too. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

#892191 11/02/00 07:44 AM
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wow

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