My WH is 40 and OW is 50's+.<p>She has money and divorced around 4/99 during time frame my WH moved out. My WH and I have had contact all along. Last 1 1/2 year we've e-mailed, talked on phone and he's been coming home. WH had even started telling me that he loved me, missed me and only reason that we were apart was because of his job (he travel alot) and company having lay-offs since 9/11/01.<p>WH even went back to college (4/00) and changed careers (11/00), resigned from worksite (8/00) where this all began (4/99). He is living 60 miles from OW and about 150 from me and our home.<p>Found out last month contact happened in 3/02 when his truck broke down and he went to her. She took him back to city.<p>4/14/02 WH called me on cell after I confronted him through messages on his comapny cell and apt. phone on 4/13/02. WH copped the attitude he wasn't telling me anything and he was tired of me going off on him over everything I hear. Also told me that he wasn't even going to tolerate me leaving messages like that. (I have no other way to reach him).Sources were reliable.<p> When he called me on my cell morning of 4/14/02, I was dropping one of my co-workers off as he had a wreck and needed a ride home. WH was obvioudly ticked about "man" answering my cell". WH questioned me and I answered honestly as I had nothing to hide. <p>I confronted him 4/13/02 and 4/14/02. WH lost his job 4/22/02 and had to move out of company apt. that he was staying in (unless he lied about apt. being company). I Told him that I was here if he needed me and that I loved him and he said "OK". <p>4/26/02 he informed me that he was tired of everyone's nose stuck in his business and refused to tell me where he is. No contact since 4/26/02.<p>Anyone have experience with OW being OLDER than WH? Have any idea what that's about????? She really LOOKS her age and more too.......Looks like mother and son..........<p>My understanding from sources, she has been seen with OM and even tried to work things out with her EX-H at one point. I believe this has been on and off again.........

RE: Anyone have experience with OW being OLDER than WH? Have any idea what that's about????? She really LOOKS her age and more too.......Looks like mother and son..........<p>It is not uncommon for a man to date/marry a woman who is much younger then he is. Yet society goes green when it is turned around. This is getting more and more normal in today’s society. <p>Women no longer loose their value as they grow older. My current husband is almost 7 years my junior. For the last 5 years, my oldest sister has been living with a man 20 years her junior. She is now 55, he is 35. My second sister is married to a man 5 years her junior.<p>My current husband’s ex-wife is 10 years younger then I am. People have asked me if she is my step-kid’s grandmother. They are HER birth children.<p>So why would a man date/marry an older woman? Because some of us are still worth something. We have a lot to offer. I am sure you do not mean it this way, but I’m offended by your question.
I understand that your husband having an affair hurts. As a many times over BS I’m totally aware of that. But to make a huge deal out of the OW’s age is putting your concern in the wrong place. Her age and appearance is not her problem. Her low moral values are.<p>People tend to look for things to disparage in the OP. I’ve heard the OP put down because they are much younger or much older before coming from both men and women. I’ve heard that she must be a lesser person because she is Hispanic and does not speak English well as though people who are not from the United States are valueless. I’ve heard the OP bashed because they fatter/skinner, uglier/prettier, and on and on. None of this speaks of the OP’s value as a human. <p>As we get older, the age difference becomes less and less important. I rather doubt that she is filling a mother role for him. She is probably thrilled to have a younger man so perhaps she is giving him more admiration, affection, etc. then he has received in the past. Older men do this with the ‘prize’ younger women they hook up with. And younger women love older men for this very reason.<p>People do not have affairs because the OP is more beautiful and younger then the spouse. They have them because the OP is giving them something they need.<p>The question you really need to be asking is which of his EN’s is she filling and what were your contributions to the decline in your marriage. And how you Plan A like crazy if you are trying to get him back.

Certainly was NOT intended that way. Trying to understand. My WH had the abscence of his mother and a mother figure while growing up. <p>As far as "problems" in our marriage? WH not a communicator. Also WH moved his best friend in 1 month before we married and this friend slept on our couch for 8 months. From there we both got promoted, my brother was murdered, next oldest brother and his wife were almost killed in accident 4 weeks after my brother's death and 6 weeks after my brother's death, my mother was lying on life support. Mom was hospitalized for 8 months and is now severely brain damaged and an invalid. We buried both of my husband's grandmother's, an aunt, the best friend that lived with us was shot to death in the line of duty and our best man fell over dead at 34 year's old. On top of this we were driving 180 miles round trip to and from work 5-6 days a week and putting in 12-16 hour days. There was only so much of me to go around and Lord knows, I tried my best. I was under ALOT of stress too, as well as my family. The lawsuits from my brother's death and mom's hospital neglect also took time and toll. My WH DID NOT tell me his needs. I had needs too but i didn't go and choose to have an "A". <p>You are correct about "OW" low morals...........I also watched her act like a dog year old in heat when she left her husband. I trusted my WH (my mistake). I tried to talk to him and do all that I could. I have been trying all the way through this to learn his needs. But he is closed mouthed about "OW", the affair and about his needs.<p>He is also self-absorbed and wrapped up in him and his career. WH has always been like that.<p>WH seems to fail to understand that all the circumstances that we had no control over, were the problems between us. Issues between us weren't that big and certainly resolvable. Stress was the problem. Now it's a BIGGER problem because of "OW". Something else to have to hurdle over.<p>I guess my needs didn't matter? I guess I don't deserve any credit for not going out and having a "A"?<p>I just was wondering if maybe the abscence of his mother may have some affect here..........

My ex-H left me for a woman who is about 10 yrs older than he is. It's been 2 1/2 years and they are still together (although it is stormy). Her age wasn't the thing that bothered me. It was the fact that she was somewhat on the ugly side and overweight! LOL LOL <p>Mitzi [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Mitzi,<p>Sorry for your pain and all BS and WS pain. I am just searching for other's experience.<p>This OW has been seen with other men and from sources, even tried to work things out with her ex, but that failed.<p>I want to meet ALL my husband's needs but I can't if he won't tell me or LET ME. WH and OW A is on/off agin and like a Yo-Yo. I believe it won't last. Puzzles me if OW was meeting his needs so well.......why hasn't he divorced me and gone to her? I basically plan A'd best I could for the last 1 1/2 years, with our living apart but things blew up after I discovered his contact in March with her again. During that 1 1/2 years, things were getting better between us but WH wouldn't open up about needs and etc. He mainly focused on himself, where he was with new career, where he went job-wise. I am willing but he is KEEPING me from meeting his needs.......<p>I clearly told him that I still love him and believe in us but until he "chooses" to end things for life with her, I cannot and will not continue on. I will not be in a 3-way relationship. WH has "cut me off"............<p>So I need to hold my ground (to protect me) and not allow him to have both of us. I married one on one, not one to two. This "lady" isn't in to sharing.......My WH sure would not have tolerated this.....<p>Thanks for your input Mitzi......<p>PS: I don't mean to "offend anyone" here, honestly!!!! Just trying to find a puzzle piece like the rest of you!!!!!<p>(((((HUGS)))))

To answer your original question ... YES ... my H had an A with OW 3 years older than H ... I am 1 year older than H.<p>OW is very pretty, she knows how to flirt and make a man feel like he is the answer to her prayers ... what has age got to do with it?<p>Focus more on yourself (YOUR assets)... you'll get further, faster recovery if you focus on yourself... this OW obsessing is a phase ... and try not to let yourself get all bogged down with OW character traits ... it will only drive you nutz and won't really help you recover.<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

My husband's OW was 10 years older - although she lied about her age - she told him that she was only 4 or 5 years older. She tries to pass herself off as 35 on personal ads on the net - she's 40+.

BrambleRose,<p>Morning! Well one thing is for sure "Lies" are a big part and basis for these "A" aren't they? I can't imagine how they stand to face themselves in the mirror even to shave!!!! (SMILE). How can their rest me "peaceful"?<p>So is the "A" still going on?<p>I have not spied or checked but my reliable sources tell me that the "OW" is looking like total h**l, so things must not be going too well for her, him, them, whatever. It only stands to reason that attitudes they had with us......the OW/OM will eventually be on the recieving end of.<p>Stayed tough and with GOD dear...........and stay in touch!<p>((((Hugs to all hurting))))))<p>Somehow.......we'll make it through........

BrambleRose<p>Can I ask how long your WH A went on. Do you know how it ended? My WH has been on/off with this OW for 3 years. We've lived the whole time apart but until this last incident have had contact and "married" contact all along.<p>Sorry for your pain........ <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />

Betrayed, My WH's OW was 13 years older than him. She pursued him and that's how he ended up being seduced in. She also had two very attractive assets attached to her rib cage - so she found it easy to get attention regardless of her age (and the fact that she's already had one "lift" job). She also has had many many years experience of pursuing men. I don't think an 18 year old would have known what my H needed in order to be seduced. <p>What it boiled down to in my case was her pursuing him. Affection and Attention as mentioned above.

My H's OW is also older. She has worked with him for about 8 years. When he first started acting weird(cold, unloving, mean,etc.) in January, I suspected an affair. He repeatedly denied it. Just gave me a bunch of BS, like I'm not happy, and I dont know if I love you. This from the same man that last September on our anniversary told me he loved me more than he ever had, for over half of his life (we started dating in HS and married at 18). We went on a cruise and had such an awesome, romantic time.<p>Well, then on April 1st h moved out to "take a break" and think. On may 3rd the PI my brother hired caught him at OW's house. I went there to confront him. I really thought it was going to be someone younger or prettier or sexier than I was. I guess most people always think this way. I was SHOCKED when I saw who it was!! I dont know how old she is, but H is 36, and this woman has to be at least 50. And she is not attractive at all. No makeup, fuzzy hair, face like leather, over weight. Like she's never taken ANY attempts to take care of herself. In a weird way, it made me feel better at the time. I guess it's because if she had been more attractive than me, I would have felt even more insecure and unable to compete.<p>And a few other things that were so bizarre:
Country music was playing in the house-my H HATES country music<p>She has a big ugly mangy dog-My H has never liked or wanted a dog<p>There was a cat and the house smelled like cat pee-My H has said he would NEVER have a cat, especially if it made the house smelly<p>So it's all just so weird to me. But obviously there is some attraction coming from somewhere. She must make him feel good about himself. Who knows?!? At this point, H is still living at his parents and only comes over here 2 or 3 times a week to "see the kids".<p>I'm trying Plan A, feeling just a little better each day, and hoping and praying that he'll "come out of the fog" eventually.<p>LR

Hey there!<p>You hang in there! My WH "OW" tries to look and act classy, nice house and all. I am just simple little ole' me. But I have "MORALS"......Priceless compared to her "luxuries"........<p>This is SO NEAT!!!!!!!!!!!! Hope it brightens your day!!!!<p>I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!... I will not give up, give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down 'til the breakdown is torn down!<p>
I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldy, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will, rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!<p>
In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God's faithfulness.<p>
I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.<p>
I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is healed.

Yep, count me in on this one also. The OW is 5 years older than her XH and 6 years older than the WS. <p>OW prides herself on 'fixing' men up and making them successful (claims she did that for her H and will do that for the WS). In reality she did neither. <p>But she did get something good from them...... her XH gave her the house (or so it appears) and the WS helped her clean out the house and clean up her yard. <p>Now mind you this is from a MW who has no children. Works sporatically from her home has 2 dogs and basically no real responsibilities. From what I 'saw', she shops a lot and plays on the computer, started at least 2 website internet businesses (selling tea and skirts/blankets). Oh yea she has worked as a massage therapist??? for a chiropractor but now??? Just works on meeting men on the internet. <p>I would say that at first I 'assumed' this OW was a great catch since I was hearing soooo many good things about her. In reality and not to brag, just by being plain 'ol me, I am soooo much better than her and have more to my credit that she can't even touch me. That's not a bunch of fluff, that's the truth. I know her to be a very jealous type bullying around for what she does not have. <p>Now that I know this, the OW is a much smaller obstacle. Putting things in the right perspective helps a lot. <p>Oh by the way, the OW may be a world traveler but she is not as seasoned as all get up. She still likes cheap motels (motel 6)! LOL!!!!<p>L.

“Puzzles me if OW was meeting his needs so well....... why hasn't he divorced me and gone to her? I basically plan A'd best I could for the last 1 1/2 years, with our living apart but things blew up after I discovered his contact in March with her again.”<p>The reason he will not divorce you is because OW does not meet all of his needs. You meet some of them and she meets others. When a person has an affair, they basically see their spouse and the OP as one person/entity. Right now he ‘needs’ both of you. If you have been plan a’ing for 1 ½ years, perhaps plan A has become a life style, one that works great for your H. <p>Have you considered going to Plan B so that your H would have to depend on her to have all of his needs met? Since he’s settled down into a situation where he depends on both of you, going to Plan B would mean that all of the needs you are meeting would not be met. I doubt that she will jump at the chance to do this. Sounds to me like she is happy with things the way they are, she has a boyfriend and her independence. She may run the other way if he demands more from her.<p>As for your H opening up and sharing with you. Did he used to do this? Or has it been a problem since the start of your relationship?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Lit'l Red:
<strong><p>
There was a cat and the house smelled like cat pee-My H has said he would NEVER have a cat, especially if it made the house smelly<p>LR</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Oh Lit'l Red,<p>This is too much. So now a WS will settle for cat pee with a leather faced owner vs a nice wife and family??? <p>Talk about fog. So now we have proof that the fog also blocks the sense of smell & sense of sight. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] We can add that to the list of loss on sense of values, morals, hearing, tasting, etc. <p>Curious..... what is it about animal wastes that attract some OWs???? The one we dealt with had a thing about putting dog poop in the WS laundry and then blamine me. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Go figure! <p>L.<p>[ May 19, 2002: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

I like what Zorweb said - that we try and find things about the OP to pull them down lower than us, how true. Thats a challenge.<p>And yes, OW was much older (I am older than WH too) but I care less these days.<p>Dancer

zorweb,<p>OW is does not have OM in her life right now. She has been seen with others including her EX-H. I believe her and MY WH have been on again, off again and apparently ON again.<p>I wonder if he is deceiving her as much as he has me. She may not think I'm in the picture anymore or doesn't care. Distance helps WH with that one. (Not by my choice either). I really thought when he resigned from former worksite where all this started, moved about 60 miles away and changed careers, that OW was out. WRONG!<p>I understand about the "A" way of thinking about fencesitting/cake eating thing.<p>If you read my profile, you'll see that WH basically has Planned B "ME", since I confronted him about contact in March (I found out in April). I "exploded" and threatened "D" if he didn't get rid of her. I even told him I had an apt. with an attorney on 4/30/02, (I did but cancelled it). WH has not responded to my threat of divorce or stated that he wants one. <p>He refuses to talk about it or answer my questions. A few days after he had a "ticked" and hurt wife again, he lost his job. Suspposedley he was staying in company apt. (if that wasn't a lie too) so he probably had to move). Don't know about our truck, if fixed, still broke or he bought a different one. 4/22/02 when he lost his job, I asked him what he was going to do"? WH stated: "Just let me work this out, alright"? Don't know if he was talking about job or situation in general. I told him on the phone that "I loved him" and was here if he needed me and he responded with "OK". <p>4/26/02, he informed me (phone) that he was sick of everyone having their noses stuck in "his business" and he wasn't telling me where he was at. I asked him.......not even your wife? He stated: "NO, not even you". Told me he had 2 job interviews and didn't have time for this S**T. I quietly hung up on him.<p>Have not heard from him since 4/26/02. Haven't tried to find him either and not going to. I have placed him and this in "GOD'S HANDS".<p>I read on a thread written by a former WH, that when he was in "withdraw", he didn't want to see or talk to his wife (BS), as he knew what he had done and seeing and hearing her voice.......he couldn't handle it. Wondering if this is what's going on with my WH? My WH never did want to or ever addressed anything until "HE" was ready. Sometimes it was a few hours, sometimes days, sometimes weeks and sometimes "NEVER". Of course all arguements were always "my fault or I started them". Amazing how he has forgotten the hurtful things he said or did or how he wasn't there for me when I needed him. Funny how I forgave and accepted him for the way he was and he can't seem to do the same for me.<p>This OW, is an LPN and the very one he went through to get Dr. and etc. Turned out he had a "heart problem" and hid it from me for about 2 months. 4/19/99 I was told by family because they felt it was wrong that he was hiding it from me. By the way, I kept questioning him about when he was going to go see a Dr. and he brushed me off.<p>I aksed him how he would feel if I had something wrong with me and hid it from him or went through somwone other than him. His response: "You don't have anything to say about it". I told him (OUT OF ANGER & HURT), fine then just go to her. Well, I heard about that "later". I asked him about the "rumors" at work about her & him, (I DID NOT ACCUSE HIM) but in his mind, (I DID). Therefore, you got it, it's my fault and I "PUSHED" him into it.....HOGWASH........<p>He failed my needs to at a really devasting time in my life, only to have him leave and get involved with her on top of it. There has been a couple times, the way he questioned me, that I felt "accused", so does that mean I can go have an "A" now???? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!!<p>First time was he called me on home phone and I didn't answer. he then called my cellphone (which I use as a back-up alarm clock). I answered it "sleepy", as I work graveyard and was asleep when he called. First words out of his mouth was: "Where are you"? I said, in bed, asleep, where I'm suppose to be. He asked: "How come you didn't answer the phone"? I said I either didn't hear it or I accidentally shut ringer off cleaning. I HUNG UP ON HIM. He immediately called home phone and I answered it......I then asked him.....now you know where I'm at?<p>Just 4/14/02, morning after I found out about recent contact and left him messages on apt. phone and cell phone, he called me on my cell phone about 20 minutes after I got off duty. An Officer that I work with had a wreck and asked me to drop him off at his house. It was on my way, this Officer details my car for me and his wife buys Mary Kay from me. Cell rang as I was turning across traffic. I figured it was my WH and asked Jeff to answer so I wouldn't get distracted and have an accident. My WH was very obviously agitated and asked "WHO JUST ANSWERED YOUR PHONE"? Having nothing to hide, I answered him honestly and directly. Do I have the excuse to go have an "A" because he questioned me and i felt "accused", ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!<p>WH dropped subject, then informed me that he wasn't even going to tolerate me leaving messages like that on his phones as company screens his calls. That he, WH wasn't going to answer any of my "D**N questions and he was "SICK of me going off on him everytime I heard something from every "Tom, [censored] or Harry". Blew it off angrily like it was a rumor. Information was accurate and I trust the sources.<p>Well, now "I'm cut off and out of his life".<p>I have made it clear to him through e-mails since, that I will not be in a 3-way relationship and until he "chooses" to end all contact with her, there will be nothing between us. That I am willing to do my share to work this marriage out but cannot do it alone and won't even try, until she is no longer in our life and he promises there will be no more contact. (Guess I'm controlling him again).<p>If he's with her........they'll die a "natural death" eventually........ If not then hopefully he has cut her off too.<p>Either way, he is in GOD'S HANDS and I walk in FAITH, that GOD KNOWS BEST what needs to be done and is already dealing with it.<p>In the meantime, I growing in my personal relationship with GOD and staying "true" to my WH and our marriage, I made the vows, I didn't leave or quit us. I see hope and know that we can make things work but until she is out of the picture and he is "TRULY WILLING".....nothing I can do but PRAY and believe in my heavenly father!!!!<p>Wish I had found MB back in late 99 when things started getting better........but I have them and you all now!!!!!!!<p> [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]