My H had an A with a co-worker. It ended about 3 months again. No contact since as far as I know. I check his email from time to time. Today he was looking for his wireless email device but couldn't find it. I found it later and checked it. There were a few emails between him and a female co-worker that I wasn't comfortable with. (She is in another country).<p>The conversation was about how they were doing, and about dancing. She says she missed him, and remembered him the other day.
My H did mention me in the email and said we(our family) were all doing fine. I am concerned because his A was with a co-worker who he only talked with on the phone and through email at first. They got attached emotionally and went from there. My other problem is that he always says his conversations with women at work now are work related for the most part. Also in the past when asked about this woman, he claims to have given her advice to help her M(and now she's D'd!). He also has an music CD that he really likes a lot, and she just happens to mention that she got this CD.<p>I asked him about it. He says out of the blue [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] , she emailed him and asked how he was doing and started the conversation about dancing. He says it is innocent, and I know she is in another country, but OW would drive hours to see H, so why wouldn't this one hop on a plane if given the incentive.<p>Am I overeacting? I can't stand this. I feel like walking out the door!

can anyone offer advice?

hindering_us,<p>I completely understand why this is bothering you - it would bother me too. I'm not saying he's definitely doing something wrong, just that since his A began this way, it's going to be a trigger for you.<p>Glanced at some of your previous posts - my H has similar problems to yours - he has lied about things throughout our 7 year marriage... until last year it had only been inconsequential things, for the most part... and then he started the EA. My IC said that my H is going to need a lot of IC himself. Have you been back to the MC? IC can also help *you* cope with all this.<p>Hopefully some of the more experienced folks here will respond soon... Good luck!<p>[ June 19, 2002: Message edited by: Jelly Girl ]</p>

Hindering_us, no, I think you are right to be concerned. Honesty is key to your recovery and H needs to rebuild your trust in him. Little conversations about dancing with other women is a huge LB, in my opinion.<p>I guess it's important that you try not to LB even though this is painful for you. Is there a way to work on meeting the need for conversation with one another? <p>I hope he will see what this is doing to you and become more sensitive to you. <p>I also hope others will come along with their advice to help you, too as I'm certain they will.<p>Take care!

Thank you both for responding. I'm sorry it took so long to respond. I had to get out for some fresh air. I did the LBing thing big time! I told him I was sick of him not mentioning things like this because he didn't think it was anything. I told him I don't think I'll ever trust him, and don't know why I am bothering to even try. <p>I guess it is a trigger, especially since I told him he was being to friendly/intimate with this same person before. I think he sees her as safe because she's in another country.<p>I feel so confused. I've been trying to have faith, but when he does things like this, my focus goes right out the window.

We have not gone back to the previous MC because although she was very nice, there was no structure to the sessions. H was able to give his monologue with little question or interuption from the C. I would just sit there and occasionally put in my 2 cents. <p>Recently, we'd been looking for a christian C who has some sort of structure/accountability incorporated in the sessions.<p>Jelly girl, has your H started IC? If so, have you seen any changes?

Hindering....Sorry your in this uncomfortable place again. I think you have every right to be concerned and angry. What your husband has to realize is there is no innocent conversation with the OW. He has to be totally honest all the time if he is going to rebuild the trust that you had for him. I know from experience that he knew he should not have been talking to her but he tried to convince himself that it was innocent. He knew in his heart that you would not approve. <p> You have told him how you feel. What was his response other than saying it was innocent? Did he apologize? Was he defensive? <p> What he has to think about on a constant basis for years to come is that he has to be held to a much higher standard than he is use to. He is under the gun sort of speak. I know some WS feel trapped by this sometimes but we have to realize that our BS were put in a situation that they have to be this attentive to our every action so they can feel better about the decisions they make concerning the trust that they allow us to have.<p> I have no idea how you feel but talk it out with your husband after you have regained your wits about you. Pray and look for scripture as to the correct way to handle it. Just remember that God will always be there to make us feel better and to guide us in all our thoughts and how we should handle all our situations.<p> I am praying for you right now and I know God will touch your marriage so you will get through this .<p> Love in Christ<p> cajunky

Cajunky,
Thanks for responding. I appreciate it. This woman he was talking with wasn't the OW. I wasn't so clear when I wrote the origingal message. Sorry. This was another co-worker at a different company.<p>I did tell him how I felt. He did apologize, but he felt it was a big misunderstanding. He wasn't defensive because he felt he didn't do anything wrong.<p>I think he and I have different ideas of what appropriate and inappropriate conversation is. I have calmed down, and we are trying to talk through this. I hope we can come to some understanding.<p>I appreciate your prayers. I will pray about this for guidance. Thanks a lot.
God bless.

Hinder.....you are right still though. He doesn't have any right to talk to anybody about dancing or anything else that is deemed getting to close to another woman. IMHO if it makes you uncomfortable then it is wrong. Like I said before, the WS has to realize they are playing under a whole different set of rules now. It may take some getting use to but if we want our marriages to work then we have to abide by the rules so we can regain some trust.<p>[ June 20, 2002: Message edited by: cajunky ]</p>

That's how I feel. If it makes me uncomfortable then that should be it. He thinks it would be rude to not respond to her emails. I think once she starts asking him about his interests/hobbies, it's time to draw the line.
I told him he'd rather hurt my feelings than be rude to some co-worker. I guess I'll find out this evening if there was more communication, and how he handled it. I'm still angry. He's got to start thinking differently!<p>Anyway, I hope things continue to look up for you and your wife. I'll be praying for you two. Thanks again.