I want to thank everyone who has posted to me with support and advice. I've fallen behind on keeping up with the responses, but am so thankful for your help.

Wiffle - You are so right - I AM like a two year old who wants what I want. But...as I've read and read some more, I'm realizing that what I really want is a marriage that is as exciting as the A - and from what I've read, that is possible? My H is sooooo much better in all respects than the OM - I'm only beginning to open my eyes to it now. I can't believe I fell for his lines!
I am such a fool, needy and stupid.

Susan - Everything you write is so RIGHT, I know it is...it is just so hard to admit this horrible mistake to my H. And the thing that makes me the maddest is that I don't WANT to have to leave my school. I've been there over 13 years and love the staff, the community, the kids. OM, who has a child in the school, by the way, never really planned on coming back this year - and now says he'll be there for only a couple of years, until he finishes training for another career position. Does my foolishness in allowing myself to enter into this A mean that I have to lose the career I love? Is that the price I have to pay? You wouldn't believe how much that hurt, but also how mad that makes me at OM...helpful in breaking this cycle, though.

new_beginning - I must be moving into a new phase, because what you wrote describes my feelings right now...I am so angry at him and myself for keeping up the little looks, significant touches, emails, etc. As I tried to let go, he continued to play me and I continued to fall for it. I am so mad at myself, disgusted by myself, and wondering howi n the h*%% I am going to make it through this schoolyear. I'm seeing him for what he really is - a manipulator, possible sex-addict who uses women for his own pleasure. How could I fall for that?

1-step - I am so afraid that this stupid A WILL be the end of my marriage. And I know I've been told that I am not giving my H enough credit, nor the choice to decide whether he wants to stay with a foolish WS...my H will not turn violent, he will not threaten to take the kids away, he will not rant and rave and call me names. It will be the terrible hurt that I see in his eyes and the insecurity that I cause him to feel that could be the death of our M. I'm not ready to risk that yet...but I know it is the right thing to do and the only way to get through this whole.

Tomorrow will be interesting - I have to go in to school and I know he will be working. Right now the thought of him trying to act like everything is the same and will continue as before makes me ill. It is time for me to step up and let him know in no uncertain terms that I am very uncomfortable about us working together again this year. (I sound strong and resolute now, don't I??!! Plese pray for me to stay that way tomorrow.)

Well, just you remember, you have to come back and give us an update. And we don't want to hear any of that "I slipped" stuff.

You CAN do this. You can be strong.

I suggest you don't take too long trying to EXPLAIN to him why it will not work or why you should end your relationship. I spent way to much time trying to end it and then too much time voicing my ANGER to him for his part in creating the affair. And they NEVER do get it. It just prolongs contact. They don't understand, they are just seeking their own selfish desires. (If you need further proof, think about the fact that regardless of what he says about how he feels about you, he is making no efforts to leave his marriage for you and if you made real noises about leaving your husband for HIM, he would probably RUN the other way.)

So, HOW LONG can you continue to live like this? Sometime you have got to GET YOUR LIFE BACK and without him.

Just nip it in the bud QUICKLY and RUN and NEVER look back.

<small>[ July 29, 2002, 09:53 PM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>

And one more thing. Yes, I'll pray. I give you my word on that.

Good luck and God bless!
~Susan