I have been in Plan B since the end of last month. Prior to that I did a good six months plus of Plan A. It was wife (WS) decision to move out and get her own place. With all that has been done I am struggling real bad to gain/find any happiness in my life. I do keep myself busy with working out and doing other things. However when I do have time such as when I am driving, etc. I find myself thinking a lot about what I had in our marriage and where it is at now. I try not to think about everything but it is hard to erase nine years of memories in your head.
I want to be some what happy again but I am just not finding it. I can't stop thinking about my wife and our marriage. I can't stop thinking that it seems everything that was so good is so over now. I can't stop thinking about my wife and I know I should for now give myself a rest. Yes I have my moments of being happy but it seems like most of the time I am just down. I don't like being this way but I can't seem to make things any better then what they are. I want so much to have back the person who I knew as my wife. However I know that may not come especially when she treated me like crap through all of it. Also hearing her say over and over again this is how I feel and this is what I want isn't easy on me either.
I want to be happy. I want to feel happy when I wake up in the morning and I see the sun. I don't want to keep living each day with only being happy a few minutes out of the day and the rest of the day I am down. I need help but just don't know where to find it. I still see my councelor from time to time but money is tight now since I am stuck with the house and the bills. My family and friends have been awesome but they aren't always around. There are times I am by myself and those are the times that I get down. Not all the times I am alone I get down but I would say most of them. Is it too much to say I want to be and feel happy again?
Does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom. I wish someone had a crystal ball so I would know what the future holds....

I'm sure you're extra down because it is near your anniversary. It hurts to put so much into something for so long and to have it be gone. I feel for you.

Remember, as long as you've done what you should do, then it is not your fault if she goes on. Keep your head up. You ARE SPECIAL, AND YOU SHOULD FEEL SPECIAL. God made you special!!

I know it's little consolation for you, but keep in mind that your WW is likely experiencing similar feelings, even if you doubt that, with her out partying, etc. She's got the same moments of down time (e.g. driving) when the same topics are all she's thinking about.

I find for myself, there's no easy answers. Plan B is something of a holding pattern... it's not intended for us to "move on", but to "let go"... there's a subtle difference. But I know for me, it's hard to not start "moving on" - because my Giver is exhausted and my Taker is doing a good job of convincing me that my happiness lies elsewhere. But that's my feelings... my mind and rational thought tells me to "stick with the program" for a while longer.

You can be assured that happiness isn't that far off... but you've likely got a few hurdles before that. Divorce or M recovery are both major things. But the more you can relax, let go, and "act as if" (i.e. happy), the easier it'll all be... But it is hard... I know.

The one part that I believe I am strugling with so much on the happiness level is how do you let go of someone you love so much? That is like asking yourself to cut off your own arm or leg. I believe this is why I am not getting the happiness I am wanting because I love my wife more then anyone else and now I have to let go not because I want to but because I have to. It is also so hard to think that things will work out from all that has been said and done nothing has been said about getting back together or even working on it. She is driving off at 100 mph and giving me no chance to catch up. Is it fair to love someone that much and they don't love you back? I need some happiness because I want to look forward to a new day and not thinking oh no not another day of being unhappy. These are just tough times for me and everyone else on here. Life is not too fair that is for sure...

CG-

I think "happiness" in plan B may not be possible, hon. Hate to say it, but it hurts, it sucks, and life is NOT fair to any of us here. Don't expect too much of yourself right now. You have to grieve, and if you don't do it now, it will only come back and bite you later. It sounds like YOU did the right thing- a good plan A, moved to Plan B when your WW chose to walk out. Focus on that- you done good! I know, for me, the closest thing I got to "happiness" was a sense of "peace".

One thing that helped me through the worst of times was trying not to dwell on the past. If I sat and thought about how WH "used" to be, it'd kill me. The only good way I found to avoid that was to replace that thinking with the reality of the day- what kind of person is he now? As long as I kept myself in the here and now, believe me, it was much less painful. Those are thoughts, and you CAN control those, even though sometimes it seems hard. But, when I thought about "the way we had been", before the alien takeover, I swear I deposited phantom love units with my memories. When I was able to stop, by love bank drained pretty quickly. When that began to happen, I'd find myself "happy" more and more often, and sometimes wouldn't even notice until the end of the day- I'd sit down with my journal and realize "WOW!!! I had a really GOOD day today". But it takes time. You've got to grieve before you can heal. But it will happen, and you will be happy again.

Hang in there, and keep yourself busy however you can. Surround yourself with loving people and take care of YOU. It sounds cliche, but it's true, "This too shall pass".

I have to agree with Rapunzel. I am quickly losing any respect and admiration for my WH because of what he's doing. I can't help that. I like to think about what he used to be like, but I can't realistically think that he'll ever be that way again. It does help me to know that God will bring us joy no matter what. There is a verse in the bible that states that whereas weeping may last a while, joy will surely come in the morning, or in due time. I like to think that God has a special plan for me, a surprise waiting for me when it is all over. It may be that my WH is a new person, or it may be something else. But, it is exciting for me to think that way. God bless you. It takes time to get there.
KK

Patience and confidence in knowing what you are doing is right. I feel the same way you do and I am going through the same things. I have been keeping myself very busy, but it is hard to finish anything. Even though I haven't wanted to I have been forcing myself to keep doing the things I've always enjoyed. It used to be a struggle for me to play a round of golf. I had to force myself to finish. In the beginning all I wanted was to get through whatever I was doing as fast as I could. Each day I was able to enjoy a little bit more.

My plan B is beginning to work and WS called me today wanting to meet to talk. I know she isn't ready yet, but I've let her know the ball is in her court. It is her decision to start talking. I won't help her. She has to start talking. Somedays it is all I can do to keep from calling her. She is constantly on my mind.

It will get better.

I'm in the same position, CG. Except there was no infidelity, and the marriage has only been 2.5 years. What happened to us? A whole lot of emotional abuse and anger from her, and me doing a few things to set that off. She moved out three weeks ago and initiated legal action.

Three months ago we were at least working on
things nicely. Now the whole world has blown up.

I am devastated, but at tthe same time, I saw it coming for years--even before marriage. My wife has extreme emotional problems, and when she is
like that she will do anything to hurt me. Like today is my birthday, and of couse, no call at all from her. I almost feel like it is time to let go. Who knows what will happen? I will wait around for awhile until I feel better, then move on.

We spent six years together, including the married time. Six long years that have ended in
the hardest way possible. My wife rips through life taking everything she can get and giving very little. When her moods are foul, which is often, then she is unreachable.

Remember, life holds all sorts of possibilities.
Maybe we will all reconcile with our spouses. Maybe we will learn to live alone and find peace.

I am 38 years old today. I'm not going to jump out there and find some dates like I would have even five years ago. I am going to relax, pause to reflect, and do things that make me happy.

The sun still shines, you know.

Hi Confused Guy - I'm sorry for your situation and unhappiness. Let me tell you that I was in a similar place as you a few months ago. While I never 'moved out', my job requires alot of travel so it seemed like I was 'moving out' every week. Anyway, let me assure you and the others who have said they are also unhappy - Happiness is a choice!

These are not just words........it is the truth. I was miserable for months (he!!, probably years <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ) until I started REALLY working on me. That meant releasing to God or a higher power the things that are out of my control. Once you do this, then it is like a new day! I am not a religious fanatic - far from it. But I know this to be true - when you release the worries over things out of your control then the happiness returns. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I spent years blaming others, trying to control certain situations, and enjoying my self induced pity parties. This only fed my unhappiness. Figure out what has made YOU unhappy. We can not rely on others for our own happiness IMHO. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Good Luck and God Bless!

Gib

I'm going to join this plan B session because mates, I'm feeling EXACTLY the same. I thought plan B would be much easier but its harder than plan A for me. I think about them and him all the time. I go through every feeling from sadness to happiness to anger and depression in the space of an hour. People tell me I'm snappy and they've never seen me like this before (mind you I'm also standing up for myself and they haven't seen that either - that could also be it).

Its like 'the end' for my marriage now I know that only too well, and I too have been thiking the same as you. Where do I go now? What do I do?

I was wondering what was wrong with me as others says its easier. The book that JR recommended to me 'the language of letting go' is good. Maybe that would help you too? I read something today about finding our own happiness and not finding our happiness in others. Now I know that in theory, but it hit me head on today and I am ready for that.

I'm down and out right now, but I'm going to find my own happiness. Hopefully as I do this, this anger I have right now will disapate.

One thing I question (like you have) How do you move on when you are 'waiting'? Is is control to be hoping, wanting, wishing that your H comes back? To be thinking if he is with her? Because I want him to come back does it mean I have not really let go? Is letting go the same as just giving up? Should I put him and the love and life we had out of my mind forever? This is where I struggle because I pray he does come back and still loves me. I hope he does find peace. I do hope she find a big hole and falls in it forever!!!

Is is normal to hope that he dosen't come back at the same time (because recovery is going to be so bloody hard)?

I don't do anything to find out where he is or who he's with. The only bills I open are his phone and credit card as they are the only ones he hides (I want to know my financial situation). Other than this I really just plod on with my life, but I do think about it and then try to distract myself from it.

Hi confused_guy,

I saw your heading.. so I thought I post this message I found somewhere... am not saying I have succeeded. And everyday is a nbew day to make efforts. Here is the message.

"Struggle is the painful result of reality being denied."

Anyhow.. take care.