Inafunk,
First let me say, you've got good reason to be mad.

But, if your affair wasn't enough for divorce...then why is your H's?

My situation was a little different, but I was a BS who did an 18 month Plan A through 6 separations. In the 7th sep, I served D papers and started seeing a male friend. My WH then wanted the marriage.

He put in a 3-4 month Plan A of his own...I stopped seeing the OM, stopped the D, H moved back in about 6 weeks later, and now, we've been in recovery since 5/00.

And, I am so glad, we've got a good marriage, we're in love, partners, happy.

My actions during that 7th separation were lousy, dishonorable, but no worse than my H's during his A.

As a BS in Plan A, I followed my own goals for hopes of reconciliation, my H's actions did set me off many times, but I'd go back to Plan A. My H, during his Plan A also ignored my bad & inconsistant behavior.

If my H had not done that Plan A, including individual counseling, accountability and in general being very loving, showing me his changes...there is no way on earth I would have given up the OM & given him a 7th chance.

Just like your H couldn't control your A, you can't control his actions.

If you don't want your marriage, divorce is one of your options.

But you should be sure. It should be a decision made with a clear head.

Your A made your H vulnerable and he chose unwisely with this A with this girl. You know about choosing unwisely, right?

Finances are one thing, but it doesn't do YOU any good to decide not to go to counseling because he didn't. Do you really want to base YOUR behavior on paybacks & retaliation? Even if your H is doing that, it's an icky way to run your life.

Did you ever truly want a reconciliation?

Inafunk,
First let me say, you've got good reason to be mad.

But, if your affair wasn't enough for divorce...then why is your H's?

My situation was a little different, but I was a BS who did an 18 month Plan A through 6 separations. In the 7th sep, I served D papers and started seeing a male friend. My WH then wanted the marriage.

He put in a 3-4 month Plan A of his own...I stopped seeing the OM, stopped the D, H moved back in about 6 weeks later, and now, we've been in recovery since 5/00.

And, I am so glad, we've got a good marriage, we're in love, partners, happy.

My actions during that 7th separation were lousy, dishonorable, but no worse than my H's during his A.

As a BS in Plan A, I followed my own goals for hopes of reconciliation, my H's actions did set me off many times, but I'd go back to Plan A. My H, during his Plan A also ignored my bad & inconsistant behavior.

If my H had not done that Plan A, including individual counseling, accountability and in general being very loving, showing me his changes...there is no way on earth I would have given up the OM & given him a 7th chance.

Just like your H couldn't control your A, you can't control his actions.

If you don't want your marriage, divorce is one of your options.

But you should be sure. It should be a decision made with a clear head.

Your A made your H vulnerable and he chose unwisely with this A with this girl. You know about choosing unwisely, right?

Finances are one thing, but it doesn't do YOU any good to decide not to go to counseling because he didn't. Do you really want to base YOUR behavior on paybacks & retaliation? Even if your H is doing that, it's an icky way to run your life.

Did you ever truly want a reconciliation?

Inafunk and funkedup..........

You guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Come on. Get your $hit together here. Sit down and figure it out. As many before me have said and one on this very thread started to say...

Do you wanna be RIGHT? or Do you wanna be MARRIED?

I follow your story, I read the pain between the lines - between the he's an [censored] - she's a jerk - it really does seem that you guys do love each other. Otherwise why not just cut your losses and walk away a long time ago?

There has GOT to be some reason for all this back and forth, and the only thing I can figure out is that somewhere deep inside are two kids who love and miss each other. Maybe? A tiny seed of truth?

I've seen them come and go here, and the reason I stay now is not for my own marriage, that one is long gone. The man I married is dead. There was an accident, a terrible accident and the police came to my door. We never had the chance to resolve our issues. We never had the chance to recover. There were no happy endings of our recovery, or anything of the sort. What I post now is news of his brain injury and how I am now his guardian. He can't live in the home because of the brain injury and loss of higher function, and he tends to be violent.

I'm currently having him transferred from his current facility to a group home.

Is that what you want?

The possibility of unresolved issues?

The chance that the police might come to one of your doors late at night to tell you the news?

From very personal experience I can tell you that it's hell to wonder.

You love each other, at least I see it. Figure it out.

I'm not trying to be harsh, not trying to make you cry. I just want to make sure that NOBODY is a stupid as I was....

E

Inafunk,

what the others are saying is worth listening too, but I think you may be to upset to let it all in. Take a breath. You want to act, not react.

I think H4F is right, you seem tobe doing things, giving of yourself, with the expectation of getting something in return, it this really giving? No. Nor is it giving because you are focusing on you its giving focusing on what the other will do next...or not do...

Yes, definately, you want your efforts to be rewarded, (Ahh, where did I see this), have hope but no expectations...

No matter what happens, you have to come out of this on the other side. The side you come out of may or may not be of your choice. But how you feel about YOU when you come out is you choice.

If you realize that the only reasons you had for giving was because you expected, wanted something back, I dont think you will feel very good about it.

Funked your out there, Inafunk your here active, for the both of you, how about an "attitude adjustment" Go to your corners, get out of the boxing ring, get seriously into the marriage ring. You might start with a name change....something positive.....like

NoMorFunkingAround
PositivelyPositive
LifeisGreat
RestartingCanBeFun
LoveAgainfortheFirsttime
I'm not spoiled, I'm not! I'm not! I'm not! (Ok, I know to long)

My creativity runs thin, always has, everyone, chime in..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My prayers for you....

DRS

Just to remind you...

I fell in love with someone else...I waffled between OM and H...I moved out. Insisted it was over...I was done...blah blah blah...but we agreed it was just a "seperation". One night found hubby online in a chat room (that he had me help him get set up in). He was giving cyber flowers and kisses to a girl he'd been up all night chatting with. This is the guy who was by day making me feel guilty because he wasn't sleeping well...this was the guy who had *****ed that I was up too late on the computer but he was always too tired to stay up with me...etc... Yea, I was LIVID. I IM'd him that he was a jerk and I would start divorce proceedings immediatly...then I went in the other room and puked...I was crying so hard it hurt.

Got a nice little dose of my own medicine, I did. We were in a counselors office within the week. BUT...

We still remained seperated...I still pushed him away...we were acting JUST LIKE you and hubby are now.

And...just about got divorced.

This time around..I knew I wanted to be MARRIED. So I COMMITTED TO THAT. I moved back in...went to bed every night when hubby did...quit going to the bar with my girlfriends...etc etc WE made changes...and we're about to celebrate our 10th anniversary. I'm so happy....

you can be too.