Do any of you have internet card games as the source of the affairs?

My SO has been playing spades on AOL (worldplay) for several years, and I cannot take the amount of sexual flirtation, phone calls, and drama that goes on. Is anyone else's spouse playing these games?

He's not honest with me about all of this, and I know that I'm jealous and confront him too much -- which leads to him hiding more of his activity.

And now we're at a point were I just don't trust anything he says anymore.

I'd like to drop the computer out the window.

Anyone else in this situation?

Exactly the same situation, except the game is Euchre on Yahoo... he works odd hours so we rarely get to see each other anyway and it bothers me when I get home from work and the little time we could spent together is wasted because he'd rather play card games. After I asked him why it's so important and told him how much it hurts me that he wants to play all the time instead of talk to me, he tries to hide it and plays until the moment I get home from work then pulls out some "real" work to do so it looks like he has been doing it all day. And he tells me that. I know he's been on there all day playing, there are logs of activity that anybody can find on yahoo. I can't believe a thing he tells me either. Wish I knew the answer. Confrontation just brings causes him to lie to me more. I've tried to give him "space" but all that does it cause him to ignore me more.

Swissy, Cloud Dancer:

YIKES!!!

My W has been addicted to online games of various sorts for about 2 years now. So, yep, I'm in that situation. Or rather, she's in the situation and I get to live with her, since her addiction isn't my problem to solve.

It's a real soap opera in those game rooms. The flirting is only the half of it, spouses sneak in under other names to watch, sometimes they "borrow" the gameplayers account and see who talks to them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Also, don't forget the stalkers.

My W met her OM in public chat and then moved into email and IM with him for the privacy (I assume). That's when windows got closed when I came into the room, etc. Fortunately, that's been over for a year.... but the game addiction is still strong. The worst part now is that the amount of time we spend interacting with each other is severely limited by the amount of time she spends online. My working assumption is that this is just a phase and she'll get bored someday- and I'll still be here.

Jeffers

Hi Swissy,

My FWH had an on-line affair. He started playing speed 21(?). It never really bothered me that much - I was playing games also - but I never participated in the chat. My FWH did and that's how his A got started. The A has now ended and we're working on our M. It's amazing how many M's are being affected by the internet.

What's your story? Is there anything we can help you with?

cloud dancer - You mention something about Yahoo activity logs in your post. Can you explain this more and how you go about finding this. Thanks.

H&S

Re logs on yahoo games ... if you know their logon name type into your browser -profiles.games.yahoo.com/games/profile2?name=<log on name> This will give you a profile of all games that have been played by that person, dates and times.

Cloud -- sorry to hear that you're in the same boat. Euchre is just as bad huh? Is there flirting going on too?

Jeffers -- I know what you mean about the progession -- first its flirting in the game and the lobby, then its IM's, then its e-mails, then its phone calls -- all with sexual overtones. I recently looked at his phone bills, and I found multiple calls to 21 different women in a 3 month time frame. Now he tells me that its all innocent and they're just "friends" and they just "talk" -- but why can't he be honest with me then? He's says its because I freak out, and he doesn't want to bother with the hassle over "nothing".

H&S -- I hopefully wanted to find others who had spades players to compare notes with.

And please tell me -- is this behaviour ok in a committed relationship? We were planning on living together and marriage. Am I crazy?

bump

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Swissy:
<strong>And please tell me -- is this behaviour ok in a committed relationship? We were planning on living together and marriage. Am I crazy?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In my opinion, this behavior is certainly not ok in a committed relationship. You wouldn't be ok with it if he were down at the bar talking like this to the women, would you? I don't see how it's any different than that.

And no, you're not crazy. You're seeing great big red flags and asking pointed questions. The crazy thing to do would be to ignore the flags.

I'm not sure about these games, I didn't realize yahoo had games that you interacted with other people like this until recently. I have resisted the urge to even go and look. These games and other methods for people to meet in "private" so to speak are very dangerous for several different "types" of people. I am not a doctor by any means, this is JMO. (Also, these can be combined together, the person doesn't necessarily have to have just one personality type.)

a. people looking to have an affair, but don't want to do it at work in order to keep their professional image "clean"

b. people with addictive personalities (a lot of times they start of totally unaware of what they are getting into, and end up hooked.)

c. lonely people, who don't do well socially, and think they just have tons of "friends" online. they feel "safer" there.

I'm sure I have missed some, this is just off the top of my head.

I have spent some time in online chat rooms, and what goes on would probably shock the hell out of the average joe. I guess you could say I have an addictive personality, and I have been spending all my life trying to fill a "hole" in me. It comes from issues in my past, and I struggle a lot with the affects it has on me. I don't want to be one of those people who cries "woe is me, my childhood was rough" line when things get tough. I do know that my self esteem can be particulary low at times, due to it.

My question is how do you address these issues?? I've tried going to counseling, but my counselor was not helpful. I know I need to find a new one, but we just got on new insurance and I am lost. I guess I could call my GP.

Okay, back to the games thing. Don't give a person who is doing this more space, it will only lead to them distancing even more. I was so blind too, to the fact my H noticed how much time I spent online, and that I would close things when he came in. He told me he thought I was a big girl, and he wanted to be able to trust me.

It all came to a head one night when he couldn't take it anymore. He started demanding to know what was going on, asking me to swear on my D's life. I started telling a little bit, thinking it would appease him. I forgot he has friends who are into the online thing and he knew it wasn't a minor issue. I told him about OM, it was very ugly. The strange thing is, at first I felt nothing when I told him. It was like I was... well, not me. I was selfish, and had no compassion. I'm not sure if that was a coping mechanism at the time I told him.. but, I was having dry heaves by the next morning.

I too used to stay online talking with OM until just before my H got home, then would act like I was doing something else. I wasn't as interested in family activities, or anything else that took me away from access to my computer.

I need to go, work... I'll post more later...