I am new to this site. I have never posted before, but have received a great deal of help reading all of your posts -- Thank you!

This is my story. Last June, while I was away for the weekend with a girlfriend of mine, my H got in contact with an old girlfriend and thus began the A. Within a month of starting the A, my H told me and told me that he wanted to leave because he loved her. He moved out. He would daily go back and forth regarding what he wanted, but basically was living with her. In the beginning of August he had told me that he would be home one night to spend with me and did not show up. I called her house. This ultimately resulted in the three of us on the phone. She demanded that he choose then -- he picked her and filed for divorce the next week. The day he filed for divorce he left a message on my phone crying telling me to disregard anything that I might get in the mail. He told me we have to find a way. He continued to pledge his love to her. Finally toward the end of August he said -- I know what I want -- I want to be married to you. Of course, I was thrilled. He said he just needed some time for an "exit plan" with the other woman. He moved back home the middle of September. He continued with some dumb excuses that he needed to see her until he told me on December 30th that he didn't think our marriage could work-- but of course it had nothing to do with her. This revelation was the first time throughout this whole process that I released any anger -- I unloaded telling him that the two of them had collectively chosen to ruin my life. The next morning he changed his story and said that he wanted a 10 day trial separation. One day in to this -- he said that he did not want the separation any more that he knew he wanted me. I jumped -- this is what I had wanted. Then the middle of January I intercepted an e-mail in his account from her about their upcoming weekend and the oral sex she would or would not provide depending on if she did what he wanted her to do. I flipped and told him it was over. He sobbed like a baby. He had a truly mournful sorrow for the first time. I had never in our 11 years seen him this way. I love him deeply and this broke my heart. He begged for another chance and how could I not give that to the man I love? Two weeks later I found out that he had still been in contact with her. (She e-mailed me again) He told me that he didn't want her that he just felt responsible because she had just had an abortion. This was not his choice and very hard on him. Again, he begged for another chance and how could I turn away from the man I love so deeply? We were attempting recovery from February through June when out of the blue I get another e-mail from her. She tells me that there has not been hardly a day that they have not e-mailed or talked on the phone since February. Although they had only seen each other for lunch once in that time frame. I was at the end of my rope and he was still begging for me not to give up. I was really unsure. I agreed to be separated in the same house and go to a MC together. I promised myself -- one more time and it's over. I intercepted an e-mail that he had sent her about two weeks later professing that he loved her so much, more than he had ever loved anyone else. I contacted her to get the scoop. She told me that he had just left her house and that they had just had sex. I felt numb. I confronted him and told him that he had to leave and that I was filing for divorce. He went through the sobbing number again (gee I am turning jaded). He even went so far as to go see my father and beg for his forgiveness. This was a month ago. He goes to IC regularly (sometimes twice a week), he tells me each day how much he loves me, he meets the needs that I have outlined relative to giving me my required space to think. I don't think he has seen or talked to her since that last day when it all blew up. I believe strongly in the committment that I made when I said my vows. I am so angry with myself for what I have permitted to take place over the past year. Am I even crazy for considering reconcilliation? Could it ever work? Have their been too many lies? Where do I go from here?

Even if none of you respond writing this was more helpful than I ever imagined that it could be. Man I have lived a crazy life in the last year -- can it be normal again?

Sorry this was so long -- thanks to anyone who reads it.

Me - 29
WH - 37
No Kids
Married 7 years, together 11

Since there are no children, and you are still very young (29), my suggestion is to continue with the proceedings. I am very pro-marriage, but there comes a point that one has to face facts. Even Dr. Harley himself, states he would divorce his W if she had an affair. All of their children are grown and help with this whole program.

Really the decision is up to you. You have to look in your heart and decide what you want. If you want to work on it, then this is the place, if you are tired of it, then it is time to move on.

It seems to me that life is too short to deal with this if you have any doubts about your love for him. You can change your mind later if it comes to that, but really he has done nothing to assure you that his lies have stopped. Crying is not an apology, nor is it a change in behavior.

I am sure you will get other response, and hopefully ones that are more positive. But, frankly if I were in your shoes, I would move on. There are a lot better men out there.

God Bless,

JL

First off this is my first post here as I have been lurking forever.

I so deeply felt your pain while reading I had to respond to you. There are no easy remedies for what you are going thru. I know, my H has had 1 PA and 1 EA in the last 7 years. It is not an easy pain to remedy.

I do agree with the poster above that since you don't have children you could move on your on easier, but............I know also what it is to be so madly in love with someone and want desperatly to believe that they will at some point be the person that they once were. It's so hard to give up....I'm pro marriage also but the emotional abuse, lies, betrayel can take you down to a depression that is hard to get out of. Be careful of that yourself. You have to look out for yourself.

Also, the OW in your case has a hidden agenda...she is letting you know what is going on between the 2 of them so she can latch on harder to your H. If she can get a fight up between you both then he may lean towards her more.

You have to think carefully before making these tough decisions and neither will be easy. Living without him will most likely be gut wrenching but living with him could be the same as you have seen this last year.

I sure hope you find some peace and work on happiness for yourself. You know that you do deserve that.

good luck to you and big hugs, rabbitt

Thank you both for your responses.

rabbitt -- did you recover? I am often wondering is it really possible to put all of that hurt and pain behind me? Yes, I know I will have to do that regardless of my marriage. Can I do that sharing a life with the person who has hurt me more that I have thought I could hurt? However, you are right the thought of living without him is scary too. I am just scared that if I leave this marriage I will look back and be sorry some day. That would be the worst outcome. I want to feel good about my decision. Is that possible with the options I'm left?