Hi- I have been reading posts here for a week and now I am ready to post myself. I found out about my husband's affair two weeks ago. Miraculously, I found this site two days later. Everyone here seems so wonderful.

My WH (hope I get all abbrev. correct) has been cheating on me for 4 months with the OW. They work together. From the posts I've read here, it seems like his response to the affair is somewhat typical- he is inlove with her, and does not love me anymore. Believe it or not, he actually confessed the affair to me. I know this could be taken as a good sign, but he says the reason for confessing is he thinks he wants to leave me for her.

WH had been acting blue, off and on for about a year. I noticed a change and asked what was wrong but he didn't seem to know, want to talk about it, etc. It hurt me that he wouldn't talk, and I guess it made him annoyed that it hurt me, if that makes any sense. I asked him if counseling would help. which really seemed to offend him. I offered to go too, but to no avail. So I guess I can't say this affair came completely out of the blue, cause I know he was unsettled about something. But I AM shocked he had an affair, esp. when he knew I was trying to help him get through whatever he needed to go through. I guess it's said a lot here(?), but I never thought he could do this.

I've been trying to keep all of Dr. Harley's info and concepts in my head, but honestly it is hard to keep anything straight at this point. I know the terms "Fog", Plan A and B, and the Emotional Needs idea, Love Busting. I am still confused about some of these ideas and what they really mean and I am hoping to learn more from all of you. At this point I am not implementing anything because of me being unclear about stuff, and I guess the shock factor of the affair. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I don't want to give up on my marriage, and while I still lovehim enough to try to rebuild, sometimes I REALLY feel I hate him. Since he is still living here, I feel my head is being filled with his words and opinions that don't make sense, yet I am getting them pounded into my head so much that I literally don't know what to think anymore about anything. I don't know what part I've played in his affair, what I should've done better, what my responsibilities were that I failed, etc. It's just awful.

Anyways, I just wanted to let you all know I am here, and hopefully I will learn from your wisdom and kindness. This is a great place to be, and I thank GOd I found it.

Hi Henrietta,

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry that you are in such pain and confusion right now.... I've been where you are now and it's not much fun.

Your feelings of confusion, hurt, and anger are all very 'normal' at this point. Get a copy of the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. It will help guide you through the feelings that you are experiencing.

MB is a great site to come and vent.... Many people here have been through the same things that you are going through right now...

Don't make any hasty decisions right now... take care of yourself and read all that you can.

Best of luck,
RIF90

Henrietta:

Welcome to MB:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by henrietta:
Hi- I have been reading posts here for a week and now I am ready to post myself. I found out about my husband's affair two weeks ago. Miraculously, I found this site two days later. Everyone here seems so wonderful. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I, too, found this site fairly early in the process... I posted as InShockInCali... sometimes it is good to read how others felt... Noteable Posts is a good start. You'll find that in the General Welcome in the Just Found Out forum.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
My WH (hope I get all abbrev. correct) has been cheating on me for 4 months with the OW. They work together. From the posts I've read here, it seems like his response to the affair is somewhat typical- he is inlove with her, and does not love me anymore. Believe it or not, he actually confessed the affair to me. I know this could be taken as a good sign, but he says the reason for confessing is he thinks he wants to leave me for her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So did mine. I got the "I want to be with her" and "I care about you. I don't want you hurt, but I am not 'in-love' with you." (He is now saying "I love you" again.)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
WH had been acting blue, off and on for about a year. I noticed a change and asked what was wrong but he didn't seem to know, want to talk about it, etc. It hurt me that he wouldn't talk, and I guess it made him annoyed that it hurt me, if that makes any sense. I asked him if counseling would help. which really seemed to offend him. I offered to go too, but to no avail. So I guess I can't say this affair came completely out of the blue, cause I know he was unsettled about something. But I AM shocked he had an affair, esp. when he knew I was trying to help him get through whatever he needed to go through. I guess it's said a lot here(?), but I never thought he could do this.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I, too, NEVER thought my H could do it. He also didn't think he was capable. Oddly enough, I still think that the betrayal to HIMSELF has hurt him more than his betrayal to me... though it is all wrapped up together.

My H was ANGRY just before d-day and for several months after. It took about a year for that anger to dissipate... then sadness and depression. Thankfully, though, he has a renewed faith in the Lord and we were recently baptised together... to me, that has made ALL the difference.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I've been trying to keep all of Dr. Harley's info and concepts in my head, but honestly it is hard to keep anything straight at this point. I know the terms "Fog", Plan A and B, and the Emotional Needs idea, Love Busting. I am still confused about some of these ideas and what they really mean and I am hoping to learn more from all of you. At this point I am not implementing anything because of me being unclear about stuff, and I guess the shock factor of the affair. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Get the books! They give other definitions and situations which will help you understand even more. Also, at the top of the page, click on "Radio." There you will find Harley's old radio show which are EXCELLENT at explaining his concepts...

Also... read and post... read and post...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I don't want to give up on my marriage, and while I still lovehim enough to try to rebuild, sometimes I REALLY feel I hate him. Since he is still living here, I feel my head is being filled with his words and opinions that don't make sense, yet I am getting them pounded into my head so much that I literally don't know what to think anymore about anything. I don't know what part I've played in his affair, what I should've done better, what my responsibilities were that I failed, etc. It's just awful.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FOCUS ON YOU. That is plan A. Figure out YOUR head... how to hold yourself together. DO NOT focus on your H or his A or the OW.... it will be difficult... even impossible at times... so DON'T beat yourself up for not being perfect...

ANGER is reasonable and UNDERSTANDABLE... your job is to figure out how to express it with out lovebusting... also hard... because in the early days, it seems that EVERYTHING you do is a lovebust...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Anyways, I just wanted to let you all know I am here, and hopefully I will learn from your wisdom and kindness. This is a great place to be, and I thank GOd I found it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Time, Patience and Consistency... With God ALL things are possible... the more you learn to LEAN on HIM during the process, the easier it will be for you...

Cali

<small>[ August 31, 2002, 10:44 PM: Message edited by: Cali ]</small>

Thank you for your words! It is so comforting to have support.

I've read more on this site about the basic concepts. I feel like there is so much to learn, and applying it to my marriage specifically is diffcult, esp. in my state of mind! Reading the posts here is so helpful, however, there is sometimes conflicting ideas....One post I took much interest in, about the meeting of Emotional needs. Can someone further explain the concept of how the BS takes full responsibility for WS unmet emotional needs that led them to cheat? Is it always this cut and dry? I don't want to avoid taking responsiblity for my marriage, I would just like to understand it better. What I should've done better. It seems in some cases, the WS needs to take some responsibility for their unmet needs, if they do not communicate them clearly to their spouse and give them the chance to meet their needs? I can tell sometimes what my spouse needs without him having to tell me in words, but apparently I did not catch all the signals he was sending? Or is it possible even the WS does not know what they want? How can you fulfill them in that case?

I am asking this because I feel very hurt by the reasons my WS has given me for his affair, and I don't understand when I look back, how he came to these conclusions. He seems to blame me for everything! Please help, and I can take brutal honesty! that is what I am here for!

are you referring to my post? If so, I just wanted to give my opinion- I think the affair can be in PART to unmet needs, but that is not the only reason. Because like many, my needs were crtainly not met in the marriage all the time, and I did not have an affair. And I don't believe you are to "blame" in full by any means, for his unmet needs, unless he's told you that he was unhappy and hurting, and what you could do to help, and you refused. Yes, we are their spouse and we should be able to "know everything he's thinking", but in reality this isn't always true! people can change suring the marriage, and so can their needs. Like you, there were many things I didn't need my husband to actualy verbalize to me- I already knew. But there were obviously some things going on with him that I didn't know, and I TRIED to find out/talk/help him. How can your WS blame you for their unmet needs when they know you are trying to help, and just don't know how? How can they blame you when they aren't up front with you, and they don't give you a real chance to know what they want and meet it?

So that's my opinion. Yes, take responsibility for any and mistakes you have made, and do what you can to improve yourself in your marriage. But don't beat yourself up over this. Your WH needs to take responsibility for the state of the marriage before the affair as well, and that includes him not meeting some of YOUR needs!

Hi Henrietta...I am pretty much where you are. Foound out about my husbands A around July 25. I hve been coming here about 2 weeks and trust me I am still confused, it is all so overwhelming, there is so much to learn about the concepts, I just keep reading and posting, reading and posting. I am waiting for the book Surviving an Affair, should come this week i hope. I know what you are going through and it is pure hell, i know. Husband and i should be having a talk this week and i am not looking forward to the answers. I think it is too soon to be talking, i think he needs more time and space, anyone out there agree on this, i am scared to push him any further into her arms, maybee i should give him more time to sort some of this out himself. As they say the A will burn itself out after time. Any suggestions.
A/C0810

Henrietta & A/CO810,

I've read SAA and thought that it was a pretty good book... but it left me (the BS) feeling a little empty in that it never did address the anger and pain that I felt.

Our MC recommended Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. This book really helped me understand what I was feeling and what I could expect in rebuilding our M...

Neither one of you are responsible for your H's affair. So you shouldn't feel guilty or think things such as..."If I'd only done ____, then my H wouldn't have had an A." The WS is TOTALLY responsible for the A. You are not.

Get Torn Asunder and see if you can get your husband to go through it with you...

Semper Fi,
RIF90