I just finished the book "The Surrendering Wife" by Laura Doyle. It basically tells us wives how to be less controlling, and more respectful or her husband and his opinions, etc. I have included links to the website which gives an Introduction, Ch1, and Ch2. It helped me alot because even though I knew controlling was a big issue and a huge LB on my part, I needed more info on the topic.
If you have time, maybe 20-30 minutes or so, could you check these links out and let us gals know what you think, please. Are these qualities that you would cherish in your wife or not? Let us know your thoughts.

Thanks,
GC

Introduction to the Surrendered Wife

Chapter 1: Respect the Man You Married by Listening to Him

Chapter 2: Give Up Control to Have More Power

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:20 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

I'm not a guy, but...

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You for those links, GC! Exactly what I needed! Several weeks ago (thanks to a few threads on this board and the "Light His Fire" book Leilana recommended) I took a long, hard look at myself and realized that I have been trying to control my FWH for YEARS. Not in an agressive or overtly pushy way, but it was control nonetheless. I recognized myself in the articles from your link, I'm afraid.

I made a decision 2 weeks ago to STOP trying to control my H. Period. It has been the most liberating decision I've ever made! Not only has nothing fallen apart/died/failed/blown-up, etc., my H has started taking the lead on making decisions and he's being more considerate of me!

I must've been driving him crazy all these years, but he's been too afraid to be open/honest about it because I pick apart his conversation ("Why do you think that?"..."How can you say that when ...?" You know, trying to tell him what to think in general. I've been so busy trying to "fix" my H that I didn't realize I needed fixing, too!

Anyway, GC, I thought you'd like to know you're not the only one really working on this issue. I'm interested to hear some of the guys' view.

God Bless!

Lori

Yes, it would be nice to have my wife be that way. But the reality of the matter is my wife lives somewhere else on her own, she goes out drinking and hangs out with other guys. So any thing at this point would be an improvement over how my wife acts.
Yes it would be nice but I don't think my wife will be that way any time soon....

I try to do these things, I don't like to argue and believe in picking my battles. The thing that bothers me is my H doesn't exactly follow the same guidelines. He nags me about not turning off lights, not rolling the hose up after using it, not keeping my car just so (clean inside) and I have people comment on how clean my car is when they ride in it!

The other night, I opened the dishwasher and my H had started loading it. I don't like the way he loads it, I'll admit it, but I have never said a word. I was doing a bit of reorganizing what he had in there, trying my best not to be obvious about it. He walks up and starts asking what I am doing. He gets an attitude, I tell him I would never say anything, I just like to load it a certain way. Nothing against him. He acted kinda hurt, I blew if off acting like it wasn't a big deal to me. It kind of irritated me though that I was trying to be nice, and I still got in trouble.

I've talked to him about this before, and have threatened to stop being so nice myself. That will usually calm him down. He has chilled on this somewhat lately, but I really never know what will set him off.

Riding in the car... man, not even sure if I want to go into that. I've pretty much stopped driving if we ride together. He has something to say about my driving constantly. I can tell it has to be a control issue. He likes to mold and control my behavior.

I guess I am wondering, where are the rules for men? Is that in His Needs, Her Needs?

good thread GC, gotta ck out the book... the library sounds better than buying at this point.

Hope your day went well. Gotta love the thread... I skimmed the first 2 chapters of the book, and yes I need it. Way too bossy or a wife I was.

Honey

Well, hmmm, how shall I put this? Less Controlling?

<strong>YES!!!</strong> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I've seen that book, never paid attention to it, but I'll say that the title and the names of the chapters sound....sexist and 19th century...BUT, I'll take a look, since it seems you gals find them valuable!

Spacecase: I was hoping you would stop by!! Us gals (and guys) always value your opinion!

I would like to know exactly what "controlling" means to different people. In some cases it is obvious, but what are examples of more subtle control? It seems like a lot of people throw that word around, accusing their spouses of being controlling, and I don't know if it is always true....

I always thought being controlling meant trying to force someone to do what you want, to be like you, to run their lives, check up on them, use words like "allowed/not allowed," you will/won't do this" etc. I don't think trying to prove a point in an argument is necessarily control! In that case we would ALL be controlling!

GC,

I had the same initial reaction Spacecase did- the title the tone turned me off, but I looked closer and realized that the message is really very similar to the Harley's, Ruiz ("Mastery of Love", Susan Page("How One of You can Bring the Two of You Together"),David Schnarch("Passionate Marriage"-my favorite) and probably lots of others.

The message: Take care of your stuff and trust them to take care of their stuff.

You leave their stuff to them because, well, you really have no choice. Control is only an illusion. The more you push, the more they stand fast. The more you reach, the more they evade.

I think the message in the book would be equally valid if "husband" were substituted for "wife". Though, it would've watered down the message if she had taken the "either one can surrender" viewpoint. How many people might've read the book and said, "Wow, I have to get my spouse to read this and surrender so I can be happy!"

The other point, just like the Harleys: someone has to make the first move to improve the marriage-- if you want your marriage to improve why don't you make the first move?

They only thing I don't like about the excerpts is the assertion that if you "surrender", then your H will respond in a good way. The details of what you do when you "surrender" sound a lot like Plan A type behavior. I think you should do it because it's RIGHT, not because it's going to produce a desired reaction by your spouse. That is the true essence of Plan A.

Libbie6,

O.k. I'll comment on control.

I think a lot of us attempt to control people around us. Arguing is a good example.

I was a judge at a H.S. debate competition last year. Each kid presents their opinion and then backs it up with reasoning or facts. We judged them on how well they state the opinion and how many strong arguments they presented to back it up. We didn't decide who was right or wrong.

When I argue with someone I'm trying to get them to agree with me ('say uncle')... to do what I want, acknowledge my superiority, however you want to phrase it. I think that is about control. An argument seems different than a debate. A relevant question might be how often we each do that kind of thing. If I pay attention I can tell when I get into that mode - the pitch of my voice raises, I get very animated, and I have good reason- I know I'm right and I'm saving my opponent from the disaster of being wrong. I'm actually doing them a favor- if only they'd admit it.

You know I'm right about this - think about it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (You're supposed to laugh at this point- no flames allowed - of course I can't enforce that since I have no control...)

-Jeffers

Jeffers- Ok I admit it and say "uncle"- you're right. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

That's true that when we argue we are being controlling. I didn't think of it that way. But if that's true then the reality is everyone is going to be controlling in a marriage, at least occassionally. And I don't think that's the end of the world, although we should do our best to work on it. And I don't think everyone should be labeled as a "controlling person". I think there is a line when it becomes unacceptable, that's all. Like my mom, I would have to say she is controlling with my dad. She nitpicks about stuff with him DAILY. She interrupts him a lot, and really tries to force her opinion on him, telling him why she is right, and why he is wrong! To her, pretty much everything he does around the house is wrong.

I think you can tell your spouse you disagree with them about something, and why you think so, without being controlling. Or, give them a suggestion about something without being controlling. I guess it's the way you word it, and/or how OFTEN you give "suggestions"?????? I don't know, I'm really asking about this because I would to work on this myself!

<small>[ September 07, 2002, 10:55 PM: Message edited by: Libbie6 ]</small>