I've been apart from my WW for a year now and am wondering if this seems like a long time to others...We've had some good conversations recently under the guise of working out details of a out of court settlement to my A charges. I'm having a hard time calling it quits and I know my WW is not very happy at all but she's not making any moves towards R. As far as I know, she still has contact with OM through necessity at work. Am I fooling myself here with these pleasant conversations as of late?

^^bump^^

My H and I were seperated for just over a year. Our 1 year anniversary back together is coming up actually <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> We were just a couple of weeks away from having a finalized divorce.

I think pleasant conversations might indeed be a good sign, but then again you could be reading in to it. I kept wishing my H WOULD read in to it and initiate a conversation about the possibility of reconcilion, but to tell you the truth...if he had I probably would have spouted more fog and put my defenses back up again. Instead he started drifting further and further away from me emotionally and I highly suspected there was someone else. I was right, and when I found out more about it all I freaked. Not really the reaction one should have when they're about to get the divorce they insisted they wanted.

Anyway, I guess my point is that yes, it's possible it's a good sign...it's also possible that she enjoys having you in her life but thinks she can have you as a friend. If you still want your marriage, I'd make sure it's clear that that arrangement won't work.

hope4future-

Wow, that's encouraging to hear that R is possible, even after a year. And I've tried to be careful about not reading too much into it, it's just that we talked for a LONG time about what led up to the A, but in a positive and civil way. I'm definitely wary of pushing her back into the fog (if indeed she's coming out), but I'm at that point where I truly feel like I can forgive her and move on, if only I'd know that she's happy and that the D is what she wants. Sorry for rambling....

BS - 35
WW - 33
Sep 11/01
Affair revealed by PI - 11/01
Working on settlement out of court

Hope4future-

Just one other question....Did you mean that I shouldn't let her think that we can be friends after D? I've read the "Men are from Mars : Women are from Venus - Starting Over" book and he suggests that to be truly healed, complete forgiveness should be the goal. Am I off here?

Forgiveness is indeed a good goal. It's a gift you give yourself even moreso than the other person. The tricky part is that most WS's believe they can remain friends and essentially get what they still want in reguards to having needs met by the betrayed or divorced spouse without having to commit to anything but friendship. If you're truly interested in reconciliation, Plan B gives the WS a more realistic picture of the future without the BS COMPLETELY. It tends to wake them up to what they may have forgotten they like and respect about the WS. It's not intended as punishment or even really to educate the WS...it's just reality. The truth is that if you do finally divorce, eventually you will drift apart and most likely not remain friends...especially if one of you still has feelings for the other!

WS's sit on the fence as long as they possibly can. They remain in control of the situation in a sense this way. By not making a solid decision or any promises to commit to anything, they always have a back door or a safety net to fall back on if they decide to change their mind again. I did this. I was soooo worried about making the wrong decision, I didn't want to make ANY. I was practically paralized with the fear of the wrong decision. I think this is the case quite often. It was the realization of the reality of what my future held for me and for our son if/when other people came in to the picture eventually that shook me up enough to quit farting around and make a solid commitment. No more fantasies of sitting around like one big happy family, with ex hubby as my friend and our new significant others and their children getting along like best friends. What a joke...I didn't want any other woman having a motherly influence in my sons life...and the more I thought about it I didnt' want any other woman having a wifely influence in my husbands life!!!

So anyway...I'm just saying that if you haven't been given the opportunity to do a good Plan A, then do it now. If you have done one and you think she's warming up to the idea of keeping you around, but still not willing to commit to the marriage and entertaining fantasies of keeping you around as a good friend...you might want to pop that bubble with a solid Plan B before it's too late.

hope4future-

Thanks again for your insight as it's especially helpful coming from your particular point of view. My wife's actions over the last year are almost exactly as you describe, especially with regards to wanting to remain friends and not being sure of her decisions. I have to admit my heart fell when I read about the pull your children had on your decision. My wife and I had just started trying to have kids after holding over for 7 years when this whole thing blew up. We talked the other night about how things might be different if kids were part of the equation and I believe she'd be much more inclined to work towards a R. I'll try to digest your advice with regards to going to a Plan A or B. I feel like I've done a abbreviated version of A and a full blown B (little contact for 2 months), both with little success. One wildcard in this whole thing is that the OM has accepted a job in another state so they won't be working together anymore. Not sure what this might mean. Man, this past year has left me staggered but the upside is that I feel like I'm a much stronger person emotionally. Thanks again for the advice