I'm the BS and now divorced - doing well. This is about one of my girlfriends.

When my H and I separated, she told me she was involved with someone else (PA). She also told me that her H had a possible (PA) and was going to leave her several years prior.

They never really dealt with the issue. Went to a counselor, quit, etc. Swept it all under the rug.

So now she's in an A - very unhappy. The man she is having A with is married with a young child and has no intention on leaving his wife. My friend knows this too.

So I have this information. I refer her here. I give her "surviving an affair", "mars/venus", etc.

She is WAY IN THE FOG (almost how my XH was).

So today I say hi to her H (we're all friends) and he asks if I can call him. I do. I don't betray any confidences, etc. But, he tells me he's known about the A for several months and last night at their couples session brought "the file" of evidence.

He wanted me to know because he wants his wife to be able to have a friend to confide in.

She's a stuffer (stuffs all problems and wants to run away from them). She is also pregnant and her H isn't convinced that it is his.

He told me that he wants her to be happy with or without him. She finally is seeing an individual therapist for counseling tomorrow evening.

Her H won't call me anymore for support - he said he has good support right now and just wanted me to know because he loves his wife and he wants her to have someone to talk to (me).

So, here I am. A close friend who really is in an almost identical position as my XH. I'm not mad at her - I know she is hurting. I've made suggestions to her about books, websites, etc. After several months of me suggesting therapy she finally made an appt.

Any suggestions on how to deal with her and her hurt and suffering as a WS? She does not have alot of close friends - me and a few others who she is able to confide in.

Thanks,
Llama

Wow, Llama - this is tough. Seems you've already led this horse to the water............

Is she approachable to discuss the A? Or do you wait for her to bring it up?

Can you inquire if she knows which guy is the Dad? I'll bet she THINKS it's OM which is why she continues with the A? Or possibly WANTS it to be OM's so she'll be better able to pressure him out of his marriage? I'm puzzled why she claims to be unhappy, yet continues. Oh yea, fog.

Will she visit here?

Hey WAT-
I was hoping to hear from you. Yes, I have referred her here. Lots of excuses from her on why she can't. I also told her H today about MB. Maybe he will come.

She will tell me stuff - detailed. She just wants out. She seems aware that this guy doesn't "love" her and she doesn't "love" him. But, she says the baby is her H. I don't believe she really knows.

She says she wants a separation but doesn't know how she can afford to do it and with her H out of town alot (am thinking this is part of their problem - she feels alone most of the time), she will never really be separate from him. Especially since they have one child together. The baby comes in March. I'm sure he will want to test paternity.

He's pretty level-headed guy - a bit "macho" sometimes. I think him being gone alot has built up the resentment she has for him. She says "he will never change" and he says "I can't tell her how I feel without her yelling at me".

So - here we go. She's been my friend for a long time - since high school. I'm hoping that her visit with her therapist helps. She works with this guy - so there is not ways to "get away" from him without quitting her job. She won't do that - although I haven't mentioned that yet. She just wants to run away.

They've been married for 10 years - with problems (her H's A) about 5 years ago.

I feel bad for them. I also know there is not alot I can do to fix them. I just needed some advice on the subject of affairs of friends of BS's.

Did this help at all?

Llama

L - I admire your caring compassion. I shudder to think how I'd handle a similar situation. My gut reaction would be to share my personal experience - which undoubtably you've already tried. But like reasonong with a drunk - it may be impossible.

What else can we do other than to insert ourselves further into their business? I guess if it was me and a male friend WS, I'd be as forceful as I felt my friendship permitted. Of course, this didn't work when my friend was a WS AND OM - but that's another story.

The only thing I can think of is to continue to offer your support, wisdom, and personal experience. Maybe try to convince her that of the two things she wants out of - the affair and her marriage - that the affair should be first. If after the baby is born and it is her H's, then work on getting out of her marriage if that's what she really wants. Hopefully, in the meantime her H will fix his problems and she'll get a more family perspective. Sorry I can't offer more.

Dave

Hi llama: Sounds like a very sticky situation. I, too, have a friend that is having an EA with someone. She is leaving her husband for him and he is also friend of mine. It is hard for me to give her advice because of what my X did to me but I told her I was her friend and I would listen whenever she needed to talk.

The only advice I have is to do what I am doing with my friend. Just be there when she needs to talk. I think I would avoid getting involved any more than that if possible.