Hi Ute....I like the advice Espoir gave, but with a little twist. If you do happen to email back and forth alot say from now till about a week before Xmas, really lay on the Christmas cheer. Basically the things Espoir suggested. I especially liked the part where she mentioned the do you remember when this happened, etc.etc. Maybe then lie low for a while, answer his emails with sorry i didnt reply sooner, but i was up baking Christmas cookies last nite, or one of the kids had a Xmas pageant last nite (i know its goes against MB's honestly policy, but its just a little white lie), anyway you get the idea. My opion is , if the christmas season doesnt get to him, nothing will. I dont know if any of this is good advice, will have to see what others think. I am thinking about you, sharon, hang in there.

A/C0810

Hi A/C,

I don't know if the holidays will get to him or not. I hope so in a good way. I am not going to mention the holidays stuff too much. I don't want him to think I am rubbing it in that he moved so far away and I know he feels awful that he cannot come back here for the holidays. I guess I will however keep up the e-mails as long as I can. Who knows he may stop once D is final. He may just be complaining to help his side of settlement. That is what his sister thinks. And maybe once he is free he will put all his effort into the R with OW, especially if she is stringing him along. If this is true it could be a long time before the fog fades.I know he told me when he was with me he felt like he was cheating on me when he e-mailed and had conversations with OW (DUH) so maybe he will feel the same about e-mailing me when he is D'd from me.

I don't know. I hope he e-mails because of good reasons, not just selfish ones. Anyway I am thinking of you too and hope things are going well for you.

Sharon

I think it is good not to e-mail unless he e-mails first.

I am sure OW is on the scene somehow. Is your H the type to relish living alone?

Gosh, I'm sorry for what you are going through. Try to keep busy over the holidays!

Hi Espoir,

I can't help but think OW is somewhere in the picture. But my H e-mailed 3 times today. He was very nice and asking questions, complimenting me. I don't want to get my hopes up but maybe, just maybe, something is going on. Maybe it is just the holidays. I wrote a really long reply, lots of news, dropped a few hints about the "new" me. Hope it wasn't too much. We'll see. If I get a cold reply I'll know to pull back again.

No, I don't think my H would relish living alone, but I don't know. He has been alone for almost a year. This is the first time in his life he has lived alone. As it is for me, well at least I have the kids here. But until Aug. I am sure he had fantasies about life with OW. Don't know what is happening now. UGH this stupid D. I wish I could make it go away for awhile. But up until 2 weeks ago H was gung-ho on it. Things couldn't change for him that fast could they????? I don't want D stuff to anger him but I have to get a fair settlement... well you know that story.

Thanks for your reply. I am going to play it cool, I am trying to be fun and a little mysterious in my e-mails, I did tell him how great(physically) I felt and it is the truth. He always is saying how worn down he is. I hope that wasn't rude. I just mentioned I was sorry he felt worn out but that it was weird because I felt like a teenager, didn't look like one though. Is this too much?? But I do feel great and I think H would be surprised to see me. I have lost weight, bought new nicer styled clothes ( instead of jeans and t-shirts), changed my hair, take time to dress and look nice everyday. If nothing else it makes me feel better about me. I even bought perfume and ventured into Victoria's Secret for the first time in years.

Anyway it is late and I'm a little loopy, as you can probably tell.

Thanks again,

Sharon

Hi Ute...sounds like the email you sent him was perfect. I cant wait to hear what he replys. I know you dont want to get your hopes up, been there for sure. Just keep acting like a very caring friend. Sounds like you are doing fine.

My H on September 24/02 said its over, dont love you anymore, i should move out, etc. etc. I kept plan aing, and October 11/02 he kissed me. That was 2 weeks. Like sometimes i think, gee that seemed too fast what gives, maybe she dumped him and thats why the turnaround. But you know i dont want to go there. I just want to leave well enough alone. He did tell me it was mutual between them about ending it, so i must beleive him. Anyway keep us informed, and i am pulling for you, Sharon.....A/C0810

Thanks A/C,

I don't know what will happen. I am trying to be a little flirty and put some ?'s in his mind. As I said I hope it isn't too much. He will see through it. Although everything I tell him is the truth. If he isn't coming back I am going to be fine. I am lonely but I'll make it.

I can understand you not wanting to "go there". Some things you just don't want to know. I wish you continued luck and happiness.

Love,

Sharon

Just got an e-mail from H. In reply to my "feeling like a teenager" he said "glad you feel good like a teenager. Now go out and have fun like one. You deserve it."

For some stupid reason I burst out crying. Guess cause he is the one I want to have fun with. He is the one I miss. Ugh now I'm crying again. Oh well, can't get any hopes. Probably is none. I think he is encouraging me to move on. I HATE THIS!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Sharon,
My H used to encourage me to go out, even "find someone" and when I did, nearly 2 years after his A started, y'know...he didn't like it nearly as much as he thought he would.

I'm not encouraging you to bring someone into your life, like I did, because it was a mess. But acting in new ways, especially healthy--losing weight, taking pride in your appearance is a good thing for YOU.

I'm suddenly reminded that all my "cute" underwear is falling to tatters and I haven't been to Victoria's Secret (just Walmart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )for a couple years...hmmm funny how things fall off the priority list when you aren't paying attention.

Anyway, 3 emails a day isn't that casual, he's thinking of you AND following through with contact.

Mysterious & flirty sounds right. Maybe even a "I think you're right, dear H, I should go out and have fun, the possibilities are endless now that I have such energy & am taking care of myself. I've always wanted to [ski, skyjump, belly dance, learn massage]". Or whatever sounds like you.

Humming "girls just want to have fun". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Oh Lor,

I'm trying girl. Just out of practice. Girlfriend get yourself to VICKI'S and get you some "Very Sexy" perfume and the little black panties that are in the ad for the perfume. It will do wonders for your ego <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I decided that was one thing I really needed to work on I had become quite the frump.

Gotta get to work. I hope H takes these things I'm saying the way I want him too and not in a bad way. I want him to say "what's up with that" not "what is she trying to prove"

Wish me luck. But as I said no expectations.

Thanks
Sharon

I agree with Lor's response. Thank him for the compliment, don't let him know it bothered you.

I think what you are doing with the D is perfect. Keep the D issue as dispassionate as possible- you've left it up to your lawyer which is perfect. The settlement is simply a consequence. He wants the D, so there are certain legal obligations associated with that. Life might not be so comfortable with those obligations- but life is not so comfortable for you either.

G2G, but great job

Thanks everyone,

I am so angry right now. I just got TOTALLY flamed at work by my co-workers. I bought H a Xmas present there and they were all getting on me about buying my H something. They acted like I was NUTS. None of them could understand me even tolerating him let alone being nice to him. They were like "you don't get it" "he cheated on you" "you are showing him he did a good thing" basically that I'm a stupid A$$. Nobody would listen, of course their lives are all in order <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Mind you these are 20 yr olds (no offense) never married and my boss whose 3 significant women in his life have all cheated on him. Boy I hardly want to show my face there again. What is wrong with people that they can't see the value of saving A FAMILY. If I was married a couple of years, no kids, I can maybe see the point. But this is a personal choice. I don't judge them in their decisions. Even my 21 yr old flamed me.

Oh well, just a vent. Thanks for listening.

Sharon

Sharon,

You do what you feel is the right thing. No matter what happens between X and I, I will always have the desire to give him a gift on a special day because that is just who I am. As long as you aren't giving it with expectations, then GO for it! You are the one that has to feel "right" about your actions. Not those judgemental people that you work with.

You are in Plan A, you are not divorced yet, you are hoping for reconciliation if possible, so I think an Xmas gift, if you feel like it, is fine. It is not up to your coworkers to decide this for you. They may feel you are being abused and that they need to encourage you to stand up for yourself.

If you have the right attitude about the Xmas gift, I think it's good. After all, you want your H to feel warmly towards you, right. And who feels warm towards someone who doesn't bother to get them an Xmas gift? You are simply trying to make a little love deposit.

It wouldn't be a good idea if it was something extragavant, or if you were pinning your hopes on it. But I know that is not what is in your mind.

Thanks,

I do feel right about the gift. I don't want H to be alone on Xmas with nothing to open. I don't expect anything in return. NOTHING. I just want to do it. I like to make people happy, it makes me happy. Thanks for your input. I am not as angry, I guess it is hard for outsiders to understand.

Sharon

Okay I can't stand it any longer.......

SO WHAT DID YOU GET HIM? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Boy I wish it was something cool Kily.Just a pair of New Balance trail-runners. Nothing exciting. You would have thought the way they acted I bought him a Porsche or something. No, if I buy a sexy red Porsche I'M GONNA BE DRIVIN HONEY!!

See ya,

Sharon