As some of you know my company is relocating to TX next year and we will not know if we are invited to move or if we will lose our job until March or April.

My W knew about this and today I asked her if she would stay in TX until the end of the school year to see what happens at work. She was due to return to the midwest at the end of this year. We both want our son to be close to both of us (in fact, she was the one to propose that months ago).

Her response? All hell broke loose...

"I am not going to put my life on hold for you anymore. I've been doing it for 9 yrs."

"I hate that you are the father of my child."

"I want to be in the midwest and you knew this before I met the OM."

"You are interfering with my life again."

"Assuming you get offered a job you would take it because you are trying to boycott my R with the OM." She said this because I have been guilty of trying to prevent them from being together in the past.

"For 9 years you've screwed up my life on purpose."

"For 9 yrs you fell short of making me happy."

"This is not about OM. In fact, I will live in the midwest with my S without you and without him to prove to you it isn't about him."

"I am not ashamed of what my heart feels for the OM. This is not an affair and he is not my lover." This was in response to something I said about my respect for her that I wasn't telling our friends that she was having an A; that rather I was telling them we had problems and were considering a divorce.

The list continues, but she just unleashed everything, I mean everything on me. She said so many hurtful things, it was unbelievable. So I said to her, "O.K. offer an alternative, I'm totally open to listening to one." She said that the alternative was that she was not going to put her life on hold, she was going to move to the midwest, find a job and live her life. So I asked her "well, what's going to happen if I get offered a job in TX since you want our son to be close to both of us?" She said that was my problem, that one of us was going to sacrifice and it wasn't going to be her. So I asked her what ties she has to the midwest since we have no family here and she has no job yet and her response was that she hates TX, will not live there and the only place she will live is here.

I give myself a B during this ordeal. It was the worst attack I've received where everything was my fault. Yes, I defended myself and I attacked some (I couldn't help it) but it was nowhere near what I've done in the past. What made the difference to me was that I felt I had control and in her anger she had lost her control. So that's what I'm doing wrong, eh? See, my responses before and my reactions to previous attacks, I would get upset, let my emotions drive me and would end up losing control. I feel that I'm losing my love for this woman and I can see now that I am definitely ready for Plan B. I have to.

I think she may feel trapped, not by me because I was just suggesting for her to stay a little longer, but by what's going on. See, this will delay the divorce proceedings and therefore affects when she gets together with the OM.

I don't know, but it was not pretty and I think this may have signalled the end of my M. But, I'm ready for Plan B, I think and so I still have hope but I think if there is to be any reconciliation, we are a loooooong way from it.

Thanks.

Im very sorry to hear this happened to you. It indeed was a harsh attack. Im a FWS. It does sound like you are ready to move on if need be and that you can see where this is going. I wish I had something to offer you. Have you initiated plan B?

The important thing is you take care of yourself and make sure your son is cared for properly. Im sorry. Sounds like you have tried. This is indeed a sad story.

Wish I was more help, Zoey

I am preparing Plan B letter this afternoon and will discuss it with Jennifer tomorrow. This is tough.

My W and I talked yesterday; she's still angry, very angry. She thinks I'm interfering with her life. All I want to make sure is that whatever I do is the best for our S. Her other problem now is that I don't want our S to have any contact with the OM until their R solidifies. She says I'm interfering with her R with our son.

For a few weeks she's been trying to find out what's it going to take for me to finally "accept" that the M is over as she puts it. In other words, what's it going to take for me to stop fighting for the M. So yesterday she asked me what does working on the M mean to me. This was my answer:

1. We both have to want to work on it.
2. She stops all contact with OM.
3. We go to a MC and prepare a plan to work on the M.
4. We really commit to working on the M. Follow the plan.
5. We attend a marriage program such as retrouvaille, marriage encounters.

So she asked how long is this going to take. I told her I didn't have an answer for her but I didn't think this was going to take two weeks or two months. I said it could take 2 yrs to even get over the A. I told her that I was more than willing to work on the M for us, for her and for me but also because I truly believe our S deserves the best and the best I can offer him is both parents working on the M. Of course, I couldn't do that by myself, I would need her help. All she said after this was "I don't want to be married to you." Ouch!

For me all this proves her selfishness. For years she wanted to work on the M and I didn't listen and she says I never wanted to. And now that I'm willing to work on the M since d-day she says it's too late, now she doesn't want to. The difference, as I see it, is that she now wants out whereas I never did. I ask myself is this man (the OM) worth a lot more than her S's happiness? Is her happiness worth more than her son's? You have to realize our M was in trouble but it wasn't anything that couldn't be fixed. Why do I say that? Because we did not have any extreme problems. We had problems like any other couple and in hindsight I think we were both conflict avoiders who never resolved our issues.

Now, I blame myself for not listening sooner and for not doing a perfect or good enough Plan A.

UC

You know that you cannot fight the past, you can only go towards the future. Highsight is only 50/50 at best. Quit beating youself up. You did what you did in the past. You can only learn from it.

Good luck with you plan.

Take care
MTB

UC,

I'm very sorry for the hurtful things your wife said to you. You know not to take them to heart. Her anger has blinded her, and she is just as angry at herself as she thinks she is mad at you.

If she stays mad at you, she keeps you and any possibilities of working on the marriage at bay. If she lets her guard down, she may see what she has done and it would hurt even worse than the anger.

Anyone in that profound degree of anger, where they are saying such hurtful things is not themselves. Try and forgive her, and don't take it personal. These are typical yet hurtful symptoms a WS goes thru when they feel threatened .... you did really good, I'm proud of you.

Please take care.

Love,
Jo

UC,

sad, indeed. I'm sorry that you're going through this right now. I've been reading your posts and I think I have an understanding about your situation.

I wish you the best of luck w/ your W, your S, your M, and initiating Plan B. Remember to stick to your guns!

UC, buddy. I've got your back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

UC,
Thinking about you today!
She dosen't realize what she's loosing!
Mabe this will wake her up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And i'm doing ok. Thanks for asking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You'll be fine too.

It could be she is just angry and having a bad day. It could be that she is coming out of a state of withdrawl into the state of conflict. If so, that means you are getting to her. I hope you said something like " You are right, I helped mess up your life, I made some bad mistakes. Now I want to fix them - if not for you then for me so I won't ever make them again. I hope it is for you. Thanks for talking to me, I value your insight and suggestions."
If you are not fimilar with the three states of marriage, read up in the basic concepts section. It may be interresting to read it again if you have once already.

I suspect Jenifer will have some good advice for you here. Let us know how it goes.

UC, it looks like you are getting better at this. You will be happy you tried, no matter what happens, you will be glad you cared to make a go of it
SS

<small>[ December 16, 2002, 12:18 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Thank you all for your replies. I see some friends from affairs-help, Welcome to MB.

Latest Update...

I filed, in TX, for joint custody of our S. In addition to that I am requesting an order to prevent any further contact between OM and family and my son.

She desperately wants to come to the midwest. I am not stopping her and cannot legally. So, she wants to drop her lawsuit against me for child support and custody. I told her she could if she wanted but that I filed in TX and I wasn't going to drop that. She asked me why did I do it. Three reasons: 1. Christmas is coming up (perfect excuse for OM to send him more presents). 2. I no longer trust her verbal agreements; she has broken so many. 3. It would take a while until she finds a place to live here in the midwest before I can file what I call the "no contact" order.

So she insists that I said I was going to do that if there was another gift. I kindly reminded her that wasn't what I said. In fact, I have been trying to work it out with her for more than one month now and she kept putting it off so since she does not want to work it out I went ahead and filed.

So she asks me to drop it and I kindly reminded her that this is NOT a lawsuit and that when she SUED me I was already sending her child support checks AND I begged her to allow me to help her financially but no, she did not let me and sued me anyway. I then reminded her that in my response to her lawsuit I asked her to drop the lawsuit. What did she do? Nothing and now she wants to drop hers and drop mine, now that it is convenient for her.

I told her I will continue to support her financially in TX for six months or until she finds a job but not here in the midwest. Remember, I may be relocating to TX due to my company's move. She still hasn't found a job (since June of this year) and this WAS about her freedom, independence and knowing she can make it on her own; it is not about the OM. Right.

So she's afraid that if she comes back to the midwest we will have a custody fight in TX and she won't be able to afford flying back and forth for every hearing.

Even though I care where she ends up I have no control where she ends up. But what matters the most to me is my S. Why should I have to turn down my job relocation (if I'm offered) so she can be with the OM? We have no ties to the midwest and all of our family is in TX. My S's cousins, grandparents, etc. are within driving distance in TX. It is in his best interest to remain there.

Tonight she's been calling our mutual friend with whom she was supposed to stay during Thanksgiving. What for? Neither our friend or I know. Our friend will call her later. We suspect she wants a place to stay come next month until she finds a job. My friend asked me what to tell her and I said to her "I will not tell you what to do; you are the only one who knows both sides of the story and have remained neutral. I will only ask you one favor: do what is best for our S. Forget about what's best for me or for my W, but let his well-being drive your decision, even if you hurt me."

I spoke with Jennifer tonight and she told me to gauge myself every night and see if I can go one more day before starting Plan B. Jennifer agrees with me that our S should not come to the midwest if I am moving to TX. She agreed with me that I suggested to my W to remain in TX until the end of the school year. We should know by then what happens at work. She thinks my filing was a good idea and that the OM has no business sending my S gifts even if they come from his daughter. My IC said to me both OM and my W are using their kids. Jennifer also said that once the lawyers are involved it is hard to remain in Plan A. I will be sending her my second draft of the Plan B letter in a few days. I may be ready to give her the letter when I see her December 28th.

Finally, how do I feel? For the first time I feel strong that I made the right decision by filing for custody, no contact and telling her I will not support her in the midwest only in TX. I have doubted my decisions in the past but this one is one I am sure of. As I told my W, for many weeks I asked her, begged her not to get the lawyers involved, she did anyway and now she's starting to suffer the consequences of her actions.

Thanks again.

<small>[ December 16, 2002, 10:23 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

UC

Good for you UC. Its been a long struggle for you to get to the point where you feel confident about your decisions. I hope all works out for you.

I'm rooting for you.

Take care,

MTB

I left my W a message this morning (I'm not officially in Plan B yet) and told her to think about our S before moving up to the midwest.

I told her I spoke with our new parish priest yesterday and he made an excellent point. He said that my S is pretty much stable where he is, he loves the school he is at and he gets to see his grandparents and cousins every weekend. Granted, he misses his dad and he is going through the trauma of the separation of his parents.

If my W were to move to the midwest, it would break up his daily routine initially until he sets up a new one. Then, in the summer, dad may move to TX if offered a job and that would mean a breakup of his daily routine once again and another trauma of separation from his dad. (How can I give up my job so she can be with OM?)

In summary, he agreed with me that it is best for my W to stay in TX until the end of the school year to see what happens with my job. Additionally, he said she would not be putting her life on hold because she can find a job there, get experience, get extra cash and then if need be she would be in a better position to move to the midwest. Of course I cannot stop her from coming here and she may refuse to see these things because they came from me.

UC,

Good for you! You feel impowered! Your in control of your emotions now! Great! Dosen't that alone make you feel better about yourself?

Take things a day at a time!

My thoughts are with you!

And I'm sure all of us from the other sight will be happy when it's back on line. And everyone else there is going to be just as proud of you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks H-H.

I'm not there yet. I am not where I want to be and that is zero LBs. But I'm getting closer.

Now, if I could only turn off the thoughts of the two of them together. As you can imagine being married for 9 1/2 yrs to my W I know just about everything about her and so the movies of her with the OM can be very vivid and in some cases graphic. I am doing a good job of shutting them off as soon as they occur. But they still happen. When is this going to end? This is a wound that will take a lot of time to heal and the scars will never, NEVER go away. Why, why, why? Why did she fall for all this, she seemed like a strong person to me.

I know UC,

And your right it's going to take a long time to feel healed again. The movies also play in my head. I've learned to shut them off as soon as they start. It's hard to imagen someone who's been in your life , and has loved you can do this. And the thoughts of the intamecy are so hard to handle.Maybe becouse I know what my h's ow looks like , it's almost funny, but really desterbing at the same time. Just take it a day at a time. They will stop eventually, don't know when. Or how.

Keep strong, I don't think no LBing is ever realy possiable. God knows I don't have that expectation of myself. And at the moment it doesn't matter anyway. I'm not talking to him. But as long as your making changes in yourself that you want. Then you win, regardless of what happens. You have evolved into a better version of you. So don't beat yourself up! We're all human. And some one who never lb's probably is somewhat fake, or unemotional. I think we both live by our emotions. So we mostlikely will mess up more. But i'm happy that my emotions are not leading me anymore. My logic is kicking in. And I like the balance. You feel more in control of your self.

Keep it up.

Your going to be fine.

Remember you are strong! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

UC / H-H

My prayers are with both of you. Your both doing so well under the circumstances. Wish I could say the same. Hang in their.

I still think you are both amazing individuals.

MTB

<small>[ December 17, 2002, 04:26 PM: Message edited by: M T B ]</small>

Latest news...

I will be going to TX on the 28th to pick up my S so we can spend New Year's at my parents. I will have to stay one evening where my W and he are. So, a couple of nights ago I asked her if I could stay that evening at the house she's renting (which I'm paying for). She said she'd call me the next day. She didn't call the next day (no surprise for me there) but called me this morning (surprise). She said she doesn't feel right so she would prefer I would rather not spend it there. I asked her why and she just said it just doesn't feel right. I let it go.

So how do I feel about that? I'm here venting a little. Of course it hurts me and it hurts a lot even though I should be used to my W rejecting me every which way she can. But, surprisingly, I continue to control my emotions. I told her O.K. and hung up. I had the urge to call her back and ask her to give me the real reason why but was able to tell myself, "what you are feeling is normal, don't act on it, it will only make it worse, this will pass." And do you know what? It did and now I feel good about letting it go.

Did I really let it go? No, but it was enough to not let her know what I'm feeling. Of course it hurts and a lot. I said to her I could sleep in the other bedroom, stay out of her way, etc. But what did I come to expect?

Thanks.

<small>[ December 20, 2002, 07:22 AM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

UC

You did great. Enjoy the time with your son.

My prayers are with you.

MTB