My H and I are in recovery. D-Day was 4 1/2 months ago and we are trying hard to heal. I had a very brief A and confessed to H.

With Xmas season here I'm finding my H having all kinds of triggers, yet my A had nothing to do with Xmas. He's asking more questions now than ever before and I'm trying to provide him with all the answers I can. I have answered everything and feel he doesn't believe me and still doesn't trust me.

This season used to be a wonderful time for H, now he seems worried. I have had absolutely NC with OM since I confessed and have been working hard to show actions to my H that I love him and put our M first in every way.

Is this a common reaction - Xmas as a trigger - and how can it possibly relate to the A?

I would think that Christmas would be a major trigger for anyone who had a spouse who recently had a sexual affair. During Christmas you think strongly about love, family, relationship, security and so forth. Everything your husband counted on for his emotional security has been taken away from him. He sees commercials and friends talking about the joy of Christmas and their love of home and family and he thinks about his wife who betrayed him physically, emotionally, spiritually and put his health at risk at the same time. I gurantee you if the roles had been reversed you would be feeling the same way. I applaud you for being honest with your husband about the affair but truely how could you expect him to look at Christmas without thinking to himself that his wife didn't feel committed enough to her family and needed a another man to have sex with. Your husband is now forced to think to himself does she compare myself to him? When we have sex is she thinking of him etc. Remember your husband's total self-esteem has been undermined and he feels shame and humiliation. In short, Christmas brings all these issues to him and makes him feel what he has lost from his spouse, his marriage and his self-worth.

You are to be commended for your efforts to rebuild your M, but keep in mind that your d-day is relatively recent and that your H's healing will take some time. Don't have any unrealistic expectations about recovery and you won't be disappointed. Just remember that your H loves you otherwise he would have left you soon after d-day. Do not become irritated when he asks you, ad nauseum, about details about your A and instead view it as another chance to demonstrate your openess and honesty to him and build true intimacy. Affairs rarely happen to couples that have true intimacy and you and your H are on your way to have it for the first time in your M. Keep up the good work.

This holiday is difficult for many, because of adultery committed. I believe what Bryan stated is true. Christmas is a time to be with those you love, and now your love is not secure. Your H is expressing his concern, which is good. You are willing to work on your marriage, which is good. Many walkaway spouses don't want to work on their marriage, mine didn't. Also, your recovery has been so short. Just give him time, take and answer his questions, be pleasant, this is going to take awhile. He is insecure, and wondering why, and how could you do such a thing. I know, I was there, but my H didn't want to work on this marriage. I tried, but it was fruitless, I became a doormat, doing whatever he wants. Be yourself too, and do what you did prior to the affair. If you worked, continue working. You could call him at work during the day, just to say I am thinking about you.

Your holiday is with your husband. That is a baby step.