Help! Yesterday I finally hit my limit. After six months of intense needs-meeting, MC, IC, hot SF...the lot!...WH (who told me six months ago that he was absolutely committed to fidelity), told me that he had gone round to the city flat that OW lives in for part of the week. I think he was hoping to meet her 'accidentally'. After three months of NC, he has called her three times in the past three weeks, and there have been many communications from her (and she visited my in-laws to announce the affair in November). He says he knows he's weak, that he doesn't want to hurt me, that he doesn't know why he's doing this, but he simply can't forget her or let her go. It refuses to be a 'fantasy'. He still loves her. Three phone calls is 'nothing' compared to the intensity of the affair time.

Enough is enough. He's putting me through hell. Keeping his trousers on is not fidelity, not when he's pouring his heart out to her by email and phone, keeping her informed about the progress of our 'process', ie my life.

OK, I say. You love her. You're making me miserable. Go. The kids and I will be fine. GO!!

I get him a suitcase.

I think I'll have to leave, he says miserably. I'm so flawed...I've let you down...you deserve better.

And does he go? We've had this conversation three or four times in past weeks. I make it clear that I've had enough, he agrees that he can't go on like this, he looks like death...then he goes off and empties the bins or grits the path, and simply goes on as if the conversation never happened.

I can't imagine life without you, he says when I ask why he's still there. I'd miss you terribly. I don't want to leave you. I love you. I don't want to let the kids down. Anyway, I'd never want to live with her. She's a wonderful woman but she'd be a nightmare to live with. I've told her that time after time. Sex is much better with you (well, I'm not a white-haired shapeless granny like OW).

So he's still here. I think he'd sleep under the car rather than leave. I can feel my ankles ache with the (metaphorical) force of his grip.

So I don't know whether I'm in Plan A or B or Z. I can't get him far enough away to miss me. I wnat him to not have me around...to have to depend on her (who's frankly a few cornflakes short of a packet)to meet his primary needs. But he's worked that one out already. He knows that I'm meeting the most important ENs. He knows that she doesn't have what he needs for basic security and happiness. What he needs from her is the high-intensity ego-stroking. I think he thinks he can generate some kind of triangle, if he just persists doggedly long enough.

I've discussed the financial arrangements. I've discussed the practical arrangements. But he WON'T b****y leave me!!

Yes, I've thought about leaving him. But we'd struggle even to rent a modest one-bedroom flat on top of the mortgage, so I couldn't take the kids. My parents are seriously ill, and live hundreds of miles away. I have no brothers or sisters. I can't bear the thought of leaving the kids with him, having OW inflicted on them in his newly-gifted freedom.

So what would the Harleys say about this? Do I have to see a lawyer, and run up bills we can't afford and start an intractable legal process that will slide us downhill into divorce?

I'm SO bemused.

Togetheralone,
Plan B is for him to be separtated from you, he is having an A, so there is no M rebuilding until she is out of picture, but in the mean time you have to do this for yourself. If he has any decency he will leave, and then you can begin plan B. But you have to think of you first here, too much is too much. You both can not remain in the situation you are in and have a M. You have to be the one that sticks with what you say. Pack him up.....send him on his way...until he wakes up he will remain in the fog and zombie state.

He knows that I'm meeting the most important ENs.
Plan B is not meeting ANY of his needs.

Yes, I've thought about leaving him. But we'd struggle even to rent a modest one-bedroom flat on top of the mortgage, so I couldn't take the kids.
What would you do if it came to a divorce?

It's not easy to do, even if there is someplace to go.

If you feel you are ready for Plan B, it is something you will have to figure out. Either you find someplace to go or convince him in some way he has to leave. Have a plan for both. Don't do this until you have the Plan B letter in your hands and are ready to do it. If he is not willing to leave, then grab your bags and take off.

This is not something you negotiate after you start Plan B (because you are not communicating unless the affair is over and he is willing to repair the relationship).