Yesterday and last night my H and I went out and had a great night together. We then came to the house afterwards, he decided not to go to his gf's house. Well while we were out the guy that I cheated on my H with called the house and his number and name was on the caller ID. I don't know why he called, so my H called and left messages and flipped out and knocked over chairs and took off in my car and went home to his gf.
My H disconnected all the phones before he left. On the caller ID upstairs when I got up this morning his gf's phone number was on there a couple of times so I called her house and I asked her if she called here and she said not your husband probably did. She then asked me why I took his truck keys, because when we go out I have to meet him somewhere and he parks his truck and I drive. I told her no that he came here after we went out and that guy called while we were out and my H saw it on the caller ID and went nuts. And I told her that we were out during the day and then I met him last night. Well he really went nuts because I told her, but I guess she believes him and not me as usual.

He called me yelling at me and said I wasn't getting the car back because it is half his so I had no car this morning and he was calling that guy who lives in FL and works for the company I used to work for but in a different state. I said go ahead I have nothing to hide and then threatening me to go to Human Resources and report him for harrassement. A few weeks ago he had me call him and tell him either to quit his job so he can come back to here so he can kill him or he would get him fired. Well my H called him and my H told me he said I called him Monday night and told him he can call here anytime. Which I know that my H or him is defintly lying and I can bet it is my H.
For the past 2 months my H has been living with his gf and he blames me for being with her. He sneaks around on her and still sees me making me feel like the gf and not the wife. He wants me to lie to her about him being with me and coming to the house. He tells me if I tell her the truth he will never talk to me or call me again. Why is he doing this? Why does he even still care who calls me and why does he check my every move? He says I am the one who left a 1 1/2 ago when I had my A, not him. I did not leave he did and the kids see him as leaving them not me. Plus the kids heard him last night and got them upset.

I don't see the phone call as the problem, but your willingness to participate in this insane barroom brawl. Personally, I would go into Plan B just for the sheer sake of my sanity and so the children don't have to have front row seat to this craziness.

And you are enabling him in this insane little drama by allowing him to maintain a harem with no accountability. He has no motivation to be a responsible, normal, sane husband as it is. Or perhaps he doesn't have the capability, I don't know. In the case of the latter, I would sure be considering something more permanent than a seperation. Does he have a drinking problem?

What a mess! You must be fed up with him by now. Do you really want to be with this man?

As MelodyLane said, if you continue to allow things to go on like this, with the GF and lying, it will. He gets to have two women, because they both allow it. Plan B sounds smart to me. Let him know it's you OR her, not both.

I feel a little like a hypocrite here, b/c I really ought to go to Plan B myself, but struggle with cutting off contact with my H. However, if you can muster the strength for plan B, it might just wake him up, IMHO.

Jen

Goldie - did you see Dr. PHil today. This wayward woman, the other woman, who used men, and didn't bat an eye about it. Did you see the show?

Your husband is doing exactly what her married man did. He would be home, have the kids, the regular life of a home, be with you, sex with you, dinner together. Then he goes to his girlfriends house, and gets in bed with her, the sex, the pleasure, everything. Dr. Phil told her, he had it good, he got what he wanted both places. Dr. Phil told her that if she thought he was her soulmate, she was nuts. He told her that marriages of two sinners, to lusters, end up in divorce. There chance of surviving a marriage is under 5%. But this woman had the gall to say it was the wifes fault that she was entangled in another marriage.

I would of loved to get in her face, and say, do you see what I am suffering. Do you see what my #*%@! husband did to the kids, do you see what has happened to this family. Becuase of women like you, who don't think anything wrong about sleeping with a married man. I could of strangled this woman, till her eyes popped out.

I cried, and cried afterwards. This was a hard program to see, and I inside called this woman the name of her true identity. She deserved to have rotten tomatoes thrown at her.

Just a thought for you. You are letting your husband have everything. When are you going to stop and see what he is doing? What you are letting him do. Why should he come back, he has both worlds and nothing to lose.

I did not see the show, I missed it because I just couldn't do a thing today, I just layed down and thought alot and came up with nothing. Just my head hurting and how sick I feel about everything going on. My daughter who is 19 called my H at his gf's house on Saturday and for some reason his gf has to tell my daughter she just wants to make my H happy and then goes on to tell her about her 3 daughters and their ages. She doesn't even have them. I still love him sooo much and yes he has a drinking problem.

((((Goldielocks))))

I am so sorry to hear how hard this is hitting you, and how badly your day went!

You say you still love him sooo much.....even though his actions are hurting you sooo much!?!

Here's a question for you: Do you love the current him, or the old him?

My guess is they are two very different people, and that you love and miss who your H once was, but no longer is.

Now that I'm finally starting to notice the difference (with my own H), it's beginning to make it easier to grieve for the loss of what we once had, and the loss of who the man I married once was.

My H has developed a drinking problem, since our separation, and it's worsened lately. How long has your H had his drinking problem? Pre-A? or just post-A?

I'm no expert here, but it would seem that your H will need to wake up to his own problems (especially the drinking) before he can ever be in a healthy relationship with anyone again, GF or you.

Are you going for IC? Perhaps you should consider it. I know it helped me to feel better about myself.

Take care,

Jen

My H has had a drinking problem before we got married. We would be married 14 years March 14th. The 1st 5 years of our marriage he drank alot, didn't come home at night, and cheated on me with different girls. He had fines, and 2 dui's, the 2nd one made him realize he had a problem so he went to rehab. He would wet the bed when he was so drunk. He stopped drinking for 6 1/2 years and started again when I had my A, it was off and on if I had a fall out, and then he met his gf and he really started to drink more. She worked as a cook in a bar he went to. He drinks just about everyday now. He blames it all on me. I do go to conseling I just haven't gone in the past couple of weeks. I love him no matter what and I love for us to be a family again.

Goldie,
It sounds like all this is a longstanding pattern of behavior rather than an abberation and your issue is really one of ACCEPTANCE. I think I would be asking myself if I could live with this behavior forever, because it really is unrealistic to believe that you can change him. You can't.

Not only that, but he sounds like an alcoholic to me and the worst thing in the world you can do with an alcoholic is execute Plan A. Their only response is to take advantage whereever they can. And that is exactly what he is doing. Plan A then becomes an enabling agent that allows them to continue their destructive behavior. I would strongly suggest Alanon.

I did go to Al non twice, but I figured since he is gone I wouldn't go anymore. I didn't go the 1st time he drank, I wanted to go when he got out of rehab, but I thought I didn't have to once he stopped drinking. The drinking is bad enough, but him living with the gf is defintly right now the worse right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Go9ldie,

Alanon is for YOU. The spouse of an alcoholic is often just as insane, if not more, as the alcoholic. It helps you learn how live a life of PEACE and protect yourself and your children.

But why go to Alnon when we are so close to divorce? I know and think that is the direction are marriage is going right now. What gives him the right to tell me who calls me or what I do when he is living with his girlfriend? Is he trying to make me feel guilty for what he is doing?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by goldielocks109:
<strong>But why go to Alnon when we are so close to divorce? I know and think that is the direction are marriage is going right now. What gives him the right to tell me who calls me or what I do when he is living with his girlfriend? Is he trying to make me feel guilty for what he is doing?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Repeat over and over that alanon is for you. It's not for your H. His drinking has affected you. It's affected you for *years*. It's affected how you've lived. It's affected how you think. Just because your H isn't there with you doesn't mean the effects of his drinking are gone now too. Whether you're married to him or not, Alanon can give you an incredible amount of support and information. It's also a great reality check for the non-alcoholic who has to deal with an alcoholic on a regular basis.

As for the rest of this, what gives him the right? He's still your H. You are absolutely right in thinking that he's the biggest hypocrite on earth. He's having an affair and treating you like the OW in your own marriage and has the nerve to be upset that another man has called you. But hypocritical or not, he's still your H, and you still have vows to uphold.

But really. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Who does he think he's kidding?

Mere

<small>[ February 20, 2003, 09:50 AM: Message edited by: Merentha ]</small>

Goldie, sounds like he's just playing double standards and using his GF for a Revenge A.
Unless he is willing and wanting to get clean of Alcohol, he'll never change as I see it. Alcohol and opportunity are two of the biggest problems according to my Psychiatrist. He blames alcohol for my H first A. Though my H is not an alcoholic, as soon as he fell into drinking with the guys everyday while working away from home, he wound up with the barmaid!
It lowers the rational thinking to a childs level of fun after just a couple of drinks. The more they drink , the less rational they become.
He's asking you and GF to lie for him to each other? Ha. You are the legal one with rights and if he is in your bed, that's where he belongs.
But he wouldn't be in mine as long as he was with GF.
Dr.Phil says we teach others how to treat us and you're teaching your H he can have both!
BTW, Dr.Phil will have WH's on today.
My H and I watched it yesterday, not any real conversation on it though.
I did ask him if he agreed with the blond slut that all wives ask for it and are to blame. He said no!
I'm sure he probably still thinks his old high school GF he had A with is different. somehow, though he agrees they were both wrong, he still can't see her as a Who--! She is married also.
Your situation is really bad. You still love him, and how I do not know. Because my H just in what he did, and stopped soon as I found out, has killed a lot of my love for him.
If I had to deal with what you are, there would be no love left. Just anger, bitterness and a real urge to get revenge!
Are you sure this man is worth you trouble? Have you really taken a good look at all the years and his actions, and still believe he will change?
Women can waste a lot of precious years on jerks who keep repeating their pattern of behavior.
Someday you may wake up and wish you'd gotten out years before.
You can't heal this marriage as long as he's not willing. And he doesn't appear willing.
Sure he's jealous. But he used that phone call as a wonderful excuse to split on you that night.
He was just looking for a reason no doubt in my mind.
Jealousy does not equal love. Some men don't want their wives, but also do not want anyone else to have them. He may fit this category?
I don't know much about Plan A and B. I just know my plan would be to cut him out of my life unless he made a 180 fast and permanent.
Alnon is for you and you need to continue the support. Alcoholics are terrible to deal with.
God bless, LouLou