SM,

It sounds like you and I had very much the same experience (in a way). I was in a 10 year A with a married man. He had many of the characteristics that you described in your former neighbor.

I had friend gushing over the "things" that I got. The attention, the flowers, etc. But at the end of the day, more than anything I just needed to live in truth and light.

On reaping what you sow. I honestly believe that we all reap what we sow. You'll probably never see it though. It is my personal opinion that that's not how karma works.

For me, reaping what I had sewn was about the fact that I had every external thing and experienced zero fulfillment.

I know how you feel. My husband and I started going to parties that his sister invited us to. They became quite sexual in nature with people dirty dancing and grabbing and so on. I have watched my husband dance with other women who were stroking his crotch and so on. When I brought up the acts he said it was all in fun and encouraged me to join in. When I joined in with the antics we then became friends with another couple. We began socializing in each others homes and with each others children. We became good friends. I became good friends with the wife. For the past few motnhs we all emailed, called and went out together. Then the big news. I found out from the other womans husband that he thought his wife and my husband were sleeping together. I confronted her and she denied it at first and so did my husband. I then played a head game on her and she sent me the emails and told me how long and what they have been doing. I confronted my husband who broke down in tears and told me what happened. I believe him but I am still very hurt. There was conversations about us having group sex and stuff like that. I guess she couldn't wait for that so she stalked my husband. Now that I look back I see that she used me to get to him. I have also found out that she has done this numerous times to other people (couples) they have been friends with. The funny part is I felt her husband was getting too close and we were heading in the wrong direction with our friendship so I backed off and kept him at a distance. I thought my husband would do the same but he wasn't able to handle it as well as I did. The other woman (my ex-friend) put a full court press on him and he caved. She told him it was okay and things would be better when he was unable to perform sexually for her because of me and his fears that he knew it was wrong. She told him that he was new at this but she wasn't so she would help him through it. That it would be hard in the beginning but get easier later. I really hate her for what she did and sometimes I hate myself for seeing the signs but not being smart enough to so something about it. I wish I could turn back the clock but I can't. We are working on our marriage with a counselor and I hope we will be okay. I hope my story helps you see that it may not be all your fault because certain lifestyles and people are a big part of what happened. You must never enter into that environment again if you want your marriage to work. It will take alot of wotk but I think our marraige and my husband is worth it. I have forgiven him but I will never forget and this is robably a good thing.

<small>[ May 02, 2003, 09:49 AM: Message edited by: claireb. ]</small>

His Stacy,

I read your response to my post and I need to say thank you for letting me read yours. First, if you don't mind me asking, what type of problems were you and your husband having before the A? Second, the OM is a slight lunatic. Hey wants what he can't have, has had, and can't let go of. Do you think this has been a problem for the OM before and his W is insane to appease him in such a fashion. Next, my own situation hasn't gotten better but a little worse. Meaning, I had a nightmare about the two of them. The nightmare was this: Her husband was sitting at my counter in a barstool. I was sitting on my couch and my H and the OW were sitting on my love seat, which is between the barstool and couch. We were all talking and all of a sudden they were wrestling and ended up in an embrace, intimate touching of faces and finally kissing. I said, "so this is how you tell us what I've suspected and how could you?" They started to laugh at us and they were touching nose to nose still locked in an embrace and the OW said, "That's not all we've done together." I instantly awoke and could not go back to sleep. Needless to say, I told my husband last night about the dream looking at husband response. When I told him, he seemed at the time really upset and he told me that I was the only woman for him and how much he loved me. I was somewhat comforted by that, but no quite. We got in bed watching TV and he pulled me on his chest and he just stared at me for a few seconds and he looked guilty and as if he wanted to tell me something but couldn't. He let me get off of him and I went in the bathroom and took a Tylenol PM -I knew I would have another nightmare again. My dreams or nightmares normally have some truth to them and he's known this since we have been together for 10 years.
Did I mention in my first post that she keeps my youngest son at her house? She runs an in-home daycare. I have really tried to think, what am I going to do if an A has really happened or has not. Should I A:reconcile and forgive eventually, B:leave and get a divorce, or C:accept it and move on. Neither of these choices agree with me and leave me with any peace. My husband knows that I would leave and I've told him I would. That really is the only choice in my mind, my heart that leaves peace.
The OW has done the things you did in your A with her H and a 3some with her co-worker. This probably intringued my husband and wondered if he stood a chance.
The problems that my husband and I have faced started once they entered our lives. Yes, we had problems, financial mostly, but nothing of this magnitude. How should I go about trying to expose the truth if my husband keeps denying it? I've already asked him flat out if he had an A with her. I even told him my dream. We only have one working car, so following him when he says he has to work late or going out with the boys, golf, etc. is out of the question. I am stuck as to what to do. Can you offer any concrete advice to my problem?

thanks for your reply-"rotten"!Lead me back, let
me read again your original post-I'd love to try and talk it out with you-speaking of dreams, my H
and I have had horrible nightmares both from different perspectives,I'll tell you about those another time-anywho I may be able to offer some suggestions just based on my crazy experience-I can't find your original post-where is it?If I don't get back to you right away it's because my kids are home on spring break and they have friends over.

ClaireB,

If you have time read my signature line read the topic of domestic violence. Although there wasn't any DV in your A it seems, you may benefit from reading the information in my post about DV.

The stalkings, and the things that you have written about the 'crazy' things your OM did follow the tapestry of my WW OM. They do not parallel, other than the stalking, the predetor trait and the obsession with you.. and that of my WW.

A restraining order is PRESCIDENT. Speak with your attorney about filing a RO this week. If he so much as violates the RO, have him arrested for violating the RO. Take pictures, of him driving by your childs school, business, and present them as evidence. Don't let him know your photographing him, avoid all contact. Mere glances, give him power to step within your circle again.

If you want to discuss this more, please call out to me in a subject in the forum in a new topic.

Be Safe