Hi Jen,

Do you think many people go through with divorce, without a sense of ambivalence? Of course it's hard to know what to do.

You are attracted to him, and he's attracted to you, still. Perhaps that was one of the strongest components of your relationship with him. (SN) Rejoice in that as a beautiful memory, but don't weigh the rest of your life's partner choice on that aspect of your life.

The reality is plain, and you don't want to see it. You get caught up in the romantic kisses and longing gazes in each others' eyes. This man doesn't want to spend time with you, except for sex. He's still attached to other women for emotional fulfillment. Is that the sort of relationship you want, for your life? Do you want to have children with a man who's like this, and on top of it, this man threatens suicide and drinks too much. That doesn't sound like lifelong mate material to me. Certainly not father material!

Jen, not to be rough here, but you need to think rationally and not with your emotions.

Perhaps a divorce will get this guy to wake up and see what he's lost. Perhaps a divorce will get him to seek the help he desperately needs.

Just my two cents. One more thing~~ I think many people who were married and then divorced would admit that a part of them still loves their exspouse. You can't just shut off all of those feelings spent through years together.

I think too Jen that you're a bit attached to all the drama of this relationship. The romance, turmoil, and excitement of it all.

What is the payoff, to you, for holding onto that drama, and living this way? Psychologists claim there's always a payoff. What's yours, in holding on to this?

I know how hard it all is, please know that I'm simply trying to be very honest here.

Take care,

H_P

hopeful_person, I am so glad you posted, and asked the question about what the pay off is. I have listened to Dr. Phil ask people that so many times, and just never looked at my own situation and asked the question.

My guess is that the payoff for me if I keep the drama going is that I can play the victim and get all the pity that goes with that, and push aside the guilt for having cheated on my H.

Another guess is that I let the drama continue b/c it means that I remain technically married, and don't have to tell the world that I've failed at something as important as marriage, and I don't have to face the harsh reality of moving on with my life WITHOUT my H in it.

Thanks h_p for helping me to look at the rational side again and not just my emotions. That's the side I have to make my choices with. One bottom line that helps me decide is asking myself if I want the man he is now to be the father of any child of mine, and the answer is a definite no.

Here's another little tid-bit that tells me we're on our way to Dv. I just checked the one joint account we still have (b/c my H refused to close it b/c it's the account number he's had since he was a little boy, whatever). I never use this account any more, only he does. But, since I still have my name on the account, I can still view its activities. Well, since my talk with him about divorce and dividing up financial assets a couple weeks back, he's been liquidating. He's made three different large cash withdrawals since that talk. Maybe all his repeated attempts at asking me for sex lately are 50% testosterone and 50% let's see if we can play with her mind and keep her distracted while I hide my money. He thinks a Dv is coming by the looks of it. It sure looks like he isn't in denial about it.

Time to do the rational thing and go ahead and file for Dv. I just needed to vent my misgivings and have someone, anyone confirm that they really were just emotional misgivings, not truly rational ones.

My intent by filing isn't to wake him up, it's to move on with life, but hey, if it wakes him up along the way, that would be a miracle in my mind. If it doesn't wake him up, but puts an end to the drama and madness, yay, that is a very good thing.

Jen

Jen,
I'm glad my post helped. I too have asked the same question for myself--what's the payoff in holding on to my fantasy of reuniting with my exH. I see that the payoff is like yours--I don't have to acknowledge the failed marriage, and I don't have to face the reality of life alone. I also get to wallow a bit in my own pity by holding on.

It's just hard to accept the whole mess. Like you, my exH was my 'first' in many ways. We met at age 13 and 14, respectively. It's hard to let go.

Take care and God bless,
H_P

Okay, now I feel a bit silly. I just posted to the other thread that asked you for an update and asked you to ask yourself the same question. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Silly Jen!

But, the way I worded the question over there is a bit different, it's not about why you still hold onto hope for something working out between you and your H, but why you hold on so tight to the guilt you harbour for your mistake.

I agree it's extra difficult to let go of someone who's been such an integral part of our life since such a young age. It's really hard to accept the possiblity of being happy with someone other than the person we've been with since our teen years. It's scary to imagine dating other people even. But at some point we have to force ourselves to overcome those fears if we don't want to end up alone, full of guilt and remorse that does nothing but eat us up inside, and just plain old continuously unhappy. We're allowed to move on, really we are!! Let's do it!!

Something bigger than us is at work here today I think h_p, forcing me to encourage you, and you to encourage me, when really, we're a lot alike!

We can do it darlin', we can be happy without the man we once thought we'd be married to for life. I may not have told myself that, but I can say it to you. We've got to actively work towards it though, and not cling to the old man, the old guilt, the old drama.

Jen

I don't have anything meaningful to add, I just want to cheer Jen and Hopeful Person on!
You can both do it- rah rah rah! You can both move on - Rah rah ree! You can both live happy and fulfilling lives!!!!! YIPPEE!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ June 19, 2003, 08:54 AM: Message edited by: LovingBoundaries ]</small>

Well, I'm not up in the air today. I am going to go ahead with the Dv. Seeing my H when he showed up here on Sat. confirmed for me that the man I once loved has left his body and been replaced by someone I can't have a full, healthy and happy relationship with. I am not exactly happy about this decision, but I know it's the right one.

Jen

Jen,

I am not trying to sway your decision but have you considered life post husband. Maybe to help you cope reintroducing IC would be beneficial. It will be a new beginning but it will be extremely emotional as well.

Just a thought as you prepare to move on.

ayslyne

Thanks for your thoughts ayslyne.

Rest of message deleted, sorry.

Jen

<small>[ June 17, 2003, 12:05 AM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

Here we go again. He's phoned me like 7 times tonight and left no messages. I decided not to answer his calls. Heck there's another call. I wonder if he's reading my posts???

Jen

Should I (do I owe it to my H to) explain to him that I'm not going to take his calls anymore?

If I even get on the phone with him, I'll likely just get the same old same old, do you want to come over for sex, and/or you're just a callous, cold-hearted b@#$% remarks.

Maybe I should email him that I've decided to cut off contact with him unless,
a) he phones or emails me and leaves me a message saying he wants to talk about changing the way we interact, or
b) he phones or emails me and leaves me a message indicating that someone in his family is ill or injured.

Any thoughts on this one?

Jen