I will be seeing/spending 2 1/2 hours tomorrow night at D's softball game with H. It will be the first time I've spent that much time with him since we separated and he admitted to his A with OW. I've done things like let everyone know about A, and I also have let him know I would be willing to work on our marriage if he would end contact with OW. I'm meeting as many of his ENs as possible. Here's the problem: sometimes I waiver back and forth as to whether I really want him back and do I want him back for the right reasons because we had lots of problems before the A (but I also never gave up hope we could work on those problems if he is willing)? Or do I just want to distroy the A and "win?" Has anyone waivered like this or do most BS's know for sure they want H back? I'm asking this now, because I know he won't bring OW to softball game tomorrow and I could sit with him, talk to him, make the game really nice. Should I do this? Or should I step back since I am waivering about whether I could even handle the situation if he did want back. HELP, please...

You have been hurt so much that I would think its natural to go back and forth. I know I did, I still have moments where I look over and wonder what the heck Im doing here. I also think thats anger ,because deep down I know I love him,if I didnt truely love him I would have walked away. People have hurt me in various ways over the years and I have never had a problem walking if I thought it was just to much to deal with and basically not worth the bs factor.This is your daughters ballgame and I assume htere will be more right? Whats wrong with being nice?I know I would. Its hard, but if I had a ounce of love left I wouldnt give up I didnt.

Unfocused, I think those are very important questions that you are asking yourself. If he was completely estranged from the OW would you want him back? Only you know if you want him back because you love him or if you just want to "win."

You also have to be willing to settle for a person who has committed the greatest betrayal a spouse can commit. And be willing to live with someone whom you can't completely trust. Those problems are certainly not insurmountable, but you have to be willing to go through LOTS of hell and lots to work to repair the damage. Some people just aren't willing.

Hi,

At the game, talk about the game.... not your R. Too easy for either to cause a scene. Concentrate on what is best for your child.

If this goes well and he is having a good time with you. Let him leave with those happy thoughts. Happy family time or even couple time is haunting for the A junk. OW's loose their grip at this time. Their fangs and claws come out more so and sometimes during this alien transformation, the WS sees the monster they are really with (the A, the OP and themselves).

If he is up to R talk, you can do it in a more private environment.

Take it slow. Patience is a hard virtue for many.

Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.

L.

Unfocused

Make yourself this promise .....

Promise not to make any "final" decision for at least six months.

.... after 6 months, if there is still doubt about what to do .... take another six months to think things over, and look 'n see what's what.

It took me 4 rounds of 6 months to make up my mind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .... and my WH did NC the day he was "caught".

Take your own sweet time darlin'.

...meanwhile, take care of yourself. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ June 18, 2003, 11:55 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Hello unfocused -- I don't post much anymore, but your post caught my eye. It is very natural to feel some ambivalence about your feelings toward your WH. I think most of the people on this board have gone through some doubt about wanting their spouse back following this kind of betrayal.

That said, I think you should not focus on your doubts at this point and just try and be pleasant at the ballgame. Take each day one day at a time but re-evaluate your feelings over a longer period (e.g. over a month). You don't have to decide today whether you uquivocally want your M back, but you can decide that you want to try and wait and see. Ideally, you won't be getting the same person and M back -- you will get something better because you took the time to sort this out and make changes and so will your spouse.

Thank you all so much. I will go and just be happy, smiling and fun. No relationship talk just cheer on my baby girl! I feel better about myself when I am this way and better about our relationship too. Thanks for the wonderful advice. I love this place.