i have been absent from the boards--mainly due to guilt. A surprising thing happened, i met someone and have been dating him. He his 35 (i am 33,) has 2 kids from his marriage (divorced due to ---Infidelity,) has a good job, is very handy around the house, gets along w/my kids, his daughters like me, and the bad part is he say he has more than friends feelings for me. He says he has seen i have a heart of gold, am honest, caring, spontaneous, same interests as him (one of them that you would not believe--auto racing,) and am attractive. The bad part of that...yea go figure..but its that i am having similar feelings. I am not even divorced..i am commiting adultery or something. Plus i dont trust anyone, am afraid to be hurt.

We went last week to an out of town race w/his daughters (14, 13) and my daughters (11, 5.) We all had so much fun! It was a LONG road trip...we had lots of time to talk. He works on the pit crew of his friend and the friends sons car. His girls and my girls got along great, as a matter of fact his girls fought as to who gets to sit next to me! I can tell their mother doesnt give them much attention. All i did was talk to them...the youngest daughter and I had tickle fights..it was fun. My little one found a friend to play w/and played the whole time...his oldest and my oldest listened to CDs and hung out mostly and his youngest and I, like i said earlier, had tickle fights and talked. No bigee.

His family is dying to meet me. I am very nervous. I am very nervous to have posted this.

Anyway....we say we are dating but we both have more than friend feelings. I should not be feeling this **** right now..i dont want this. GRRR.

*update on the STBX. He is still being stupid, not having anything to do w/his kids. Oh well...i cant force him.

k,

You probably already know this, but you aren't ready for this new relationship yet, and you won't be for a while. If you truly like this man, consider going about this the right way so there is some chance that it can be successful. I'm sure this makes you feel awful....and that will ruin the relationship as surely as anything. One thing at a time. Let your H know you've met someone else....I wonder how that news will go over. Tell him it's time to either step up to the plate, or you will probably move on...but settle one thing before entering the other. Good Luck

There is no need to be nervous about posting your update because I for one have gotten my booster rabies shots just a few days ago <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Its perfectly understandable that you have fallen for this man because of your vulnerable state due to your WH's A, but you know as well as I do that rebound relationships that start before the divorce or right after it, usually end up in failure. Besides if you truly beleive in the MB principles like The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage and The Policy Of Joint Agreement then wouldn't it be prudent to make sure that this new man in your life also beleived in them? After all, the last thing you want in your life is another man like your WH, am I right?

Be cautious. You ( AND YOUR CHILDREN ) are in a vulnerable position.

"He says he has seen I have a heart of gold, am honest, caring, spontaneous, same interests as him, and am attractive." .... emphasis mine.

When a woman ( and her VULNERABLE children ) who have been painfully rejected by their husband/father hears flattering words like these .... it must feel like Christmas in your hearts. But Kuljey , you are ALL those things whether or not this man or ANY man says these thing to you.

Any new flattery is going to glisten like gold right now. You are like a starving woman who has just experienced food for the first time in months .... you think you're at The Ritz-Carlton or The Plaza ..... and you might actually be seated at JoeBob's all-you-can-eat cheese sandwiches <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Being friends ..... having fun ..... what's "wrong" with that? .... nothing! Take the fun, and tell him this:"I do not wish to be flattered or wooed right now. So please, no more talk that that." See how he reacts to such a request. If he cannot or will not stop flattering you .... he is not a man who you want to be around. He may be a controller. Do you know how "controlling" men hook their women? By flattery!

FRIENDSHIP IS WHAT YOU CAN TRUST RIGHT NOW ..... AVOID ROMANTIC FANTASIES AND THOUGHT OF BEING TOGETHER AS A COUPLE IN THE FUTURE .....

YOU are NOT ready. Your girls cannot afford another loss. Keep it light. keep it fun.

TELL HIM if he cannot "knock off" the flattery and romantic ovatures, you'll have to part ways ...... this will tell how much respect he has for you, your girls, your tender situation.

My opinion is free of charge. Take it for what it's worth!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Pep

well, just to update, i am waiting for a hearing date for my divorce.

the reasons you stated pep are the reasons i am just so pissed i have feelings! didnt want them, didnt expect them

and yes, i feel like xmas or like you say in the Ritz Carlton! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Feelings are not gospel.

Remember, you had feelings for your husband too. Feelings must change.

You have womanly feelings because you are NOT DEAD!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Celebrate that fact that you are not dead. But, you can notice your feelings and not make them gospel.

Honor your principles .... make your decisions principle-based. You will role-model something important for your girls.

((( HUGS )))

PS .... my opinion would be THE SAME .... "even if" you were already divorced.

YOU are not ready .... and neither are your girls.

Just have FUN!

Kuljey,
Dr. Laura Schlesinger would tell you not to date until your kids are out of the house because they deserve one stable parent when one has deserted them. She also advises that if you do date, don't let them be involved in the kids' lives unless it is a very committed, serious relationship.

She's very hard line on this topic, but like she says, protecting children is where her priorities lay.

Just think about it, ok?

I really regret dating a "special friend" while I was in the process of divorce. H & I reconciled and I then had all the problems/issues of both WS/BS because I cared for the OM. And like Pepper is saying, after dealing with a WS for an extended period of time, ANYONE can seem nice. A BS having an OP makes reconciliation more unlikely and much more difficult. I wish I had waited at the very least until the divorce was final (which, Godwilling, it never will be).

Some men make "rescuing" women already in relationships their personal mission.

Be careful with your heart.

What's up? Anything new?

well, i am still seeing the guy i wrote about "have feelings for." my 5 yr old has seen her dad recently. the OW told her some bad stuff about me. she said that i say bad things about her and its not true. my 5 yr old said she has a new dad to OW and OW went on and on about that. my STBX promised they would be alone in their spending time together. he has only seen her 2x in 4 months. i am not sure about OW/STBX and my 5 yr old doing things together already. STBXs daughter (the 11 yr old) still will not see him. i have some court dates coming up next month. of course the STBX cant make one of them. anyway...

he has sent me a little money, not much. the STBX says that he wants my 5 yr old to spend the night w/OW and him. i actually talked to OW/Ex-friend..she said that they have a double size bed for my little one to sleep in and that she would not hurt my kids. i am considering it. my 5 yr old wants it.

well, my feelings for the new friend/man have grown. we talk and talk about our situations. he has a ex that wants him back and 2 kids that want them back together. she cheated on him 2x. he works on the pit crew of modified race cars and i have been in the pits 2x w/him and WOW its so fun. we have had alot of time to talk and laugh...and that is nice. his family is very nice to me and my kids. the mom invited me and my kids to his moms/dads 46 yr wedding anniv get together. he has dated 2 ppl since divorce 2 yrs ago. the 1st one was about 1yr 1/2 since divorce. that girl did not meet his family. i am taking him to meet my family this weekend. they are worried for me..worried i may have picked a dork again..dork=STBX.

i am ready for some bashing about having feelings for someone at this stage. not divorced yet..have kids...but for some reason i have feelings. i am going w/them and trying not to analyze so much. i have alot to think about.

my gallbladder is really really giving me problems. my surgeon is trying to schedule me in next week. i called my STBX about it..he had almost nothing to say. my new "boyfriend/friend" is taking me to TX for the surgery. (that is where i had my gastric bypass and that doc is going to do the laproscopic gallbladder removal.) i dont live in TX--live in NM.

i am still seeing the guy i wrote about "have feelings for."
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

she said that i say bad things about her and its not true.
The best way to show the children what is right is to do right. Don’t talk about her (ow). The kids will understand in time when you always tell the truth.

my 5 yr old said she has a new dad to OW
Why would she say that? If she is even remotely thinking that, then she is getting that impression from you.

my STBX promised they would be alone in their spending time together.

the STBX says that he wants my 5 yr old to spend the night w/OW and him.
If he “promises” to spend time alone with her, how can she spend the night with him & ow?

i actually talked to OW/Ex-friend..she said that they have a double size bed for my little one to sleep in and that she would not hurt my kids.
Of course she would probably not hurt them. But it will mess with her view of relationships and that it’s okay to live with someone else, even while married.

i am considering it.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Why???

well, my feelings for the new friend/man have grown.
Not unexpected. The more we interact with someone who gives us good feeling (filling the Love Bank) the more we like being around them.

i am taking him to meet my family this weekend.
??? If I was your parent, I wouldn’t let him in the house or meet him.

i am ready for some bashing about having feelings for someone at this stage.
It’s not so much that you have feelings. It’s very natural to have feelings and want to feel good. But how you act on those feelings is what matters.

but for some reason i have feelings. i am going w/them and trying not to analyze so much.
Go with them because they give you “good feelings”? That is what your husband has done. Why is it okay for you but not for him?

Why not analyze them and see them in a “true” light? They may be real but you still have not even processed your marriage yet.

my gallbladder is really really giving me problems.
Hope it all works out okay for you.

<small>[ July 02, 2003, 11:40 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

5 yr old==i have not said HE is her dad--not even close. sorry you think that i am influencing her. the 11 yr old who is older has not said that at all. she is older..talks to "him" more.

why do u say that about family meeting "him?"

Processed my marriage??? AS if...i got processed right out of it. I would have been married still, next week we would have been out of town..in California on a family vaca..but STBX fu---- up!

Ya know, i must say i was afraid to respond the truth to you. I was afraid period. I knew i would get bashing. I guess me having a nice/happy time is something i shouldnt have....is it??! I am on the road to divorce..something i DID NOT want. i have not had a single choice in it. WH/STBX wants out..permanently. He says they want to be married, have kids, and still spend time when they can w/our kids. OW/STBX say i need to move on, date..etc. i would be foolish to pine for him even still!

The reason i am thinking about it (kid spending night)is the time (this last weekend) OW/STBX/my 5 yr old/and OWs 5 yr old cousin my daughter talked alot about the fun she had w/them. He promised she wasnt going to be w/them and i found out otherwise..OW was. so if my 5 yr old (who would tell me the truth) had said she was hurt physically then there would be no more visits till court ordered. i am still trying to decide if he should see the little one again. my 5 yr old keeps asking me if i am still her mommie, that OW said she was one too. so..it looks like a few hours at a time would be the only thing till i am forced otherwise.

So, CHRIS, what do u propose? I dont date, dont meet anyone, stay home? What did u do? So sorry i am not perfect, my FU----- husband chose my path, and chose what would happen to our family. I am so over that crap...i am going to go on..move on. and right now i am dating someone who is nice to me and my kids.

5 yr old==i have not said HE is her dad--not even close.
You have done NOTHING to give the impression you two are more than acquaintances?

the 11 yr old who is older has not said that at all. she is older..talks to "him" more.
So they are developing a relationship with this new guy already? They see him as the new person in your life (he is). What happens in 6 months when you aren’t together? “Just another person in our life that leaves us...” This is one of the reasons for NOT getting a new person involved with your kids until it is serious (at least 6 months of monogamous dating).

why do u say that about family meeting "him?"
Because you are STILL married.

Processed my marriage???
I mean emotionally and mentally.

Ya know, i must say i was afraid to respond the truth to you. I was afraid period. I knew i would get bashing.
I don’t think it was much a “bashing.” Trying to point you in a direction to look at what you are doing and understand from past behaviors and prevent it from happening in the future, as well as helping to prevent you/kids from getting hurt in the future.

I guess me having a nice/happy time is something i shouldnt have....is it??
You SHOULD be happy. Please don’t think I am suggesting otherwise.

The reason i am thinking about it (kid spending night)is the time (this last weekend) OW/STBX/my 5 yr old/and OWs 5 yr old cousin my daughter talked alot about the fun she had w/them.
So having fun is better than them learning how relationships SHOULD be? They can’t have fun unless they are around her kids?

He promised she wasnt going to be w/them and i found out otherwise
So he lies and it’s okay?

so if my 5 yr old (who would tell me the truth) had said she was hurt physically then there would be no more visits till court ordered.
If she was hurt physically then it would not be court ordered.

my 5 yr old keeps asking me if i am still her mommie,
She is getting mixed messages from everyone. “Mommy & Daddy are supposed to teach me how to do everything. Now they are telling me different things than they have before. What should I do???”

So, CHRIS, what do u propose? I dont date, dont meet anyone
Why not? You wanted children, raise them. They should be your NUMBER ONE PRIORITY until they move out! Why date?

stay home
You don’t have to stay home but you SHOULD not develop any "relationships" until you have ended your current one.

So sorry i am not perfect
Please don’t apologize. Sorry if you feel like I am bashing you. I realize that you had very little to do with what has gone on since he left.

But you do have ALL the power over what you do NOW and in the future. And what you teach yur you have the biggest influence over what you teach your children and how their future relationships will be.

i am going to go on..move on. and right now i am dating someone who is nice to me and my kids.
Why does, ”moving on” mean that you have to date immediately, befoe your current relationship is even over?

<small>[ July 02, 2003, 12:56 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Kuljey,
what do u propose? I dont date, dont meet anyone, stay home? What did u do?

Did you read my earlier post, the been there/done that/wish I had done it differently? And I waited MUCH longer than you. Not nearly as long as Chris though.

For 20 months, during 6 separations, I worked, I took care of my kids, I did family stuff, I spent time with friends, went to counseling.

THEN at 20 months, after an 18 month Plan A, I served divorce papers and started dating a male friend, a frequent customer in my store, whom I had never met outside the store or done anything inappropriate until that time.

He never met my kids or family, nor did I meet his.

So sorry i am not perfect,

Nobody is asking you to be perfect, just not to base your decisions on "feeling good for some reason".

You feel good because you have felt so bad and been dealing with a WS and this guy is not the devil.

BUT--You are doing something for which statistically outcome is unfavorable. His wife wants him home with their kids. He's now been unfaithful on some level as well with you, and she's willing to cope with that as well. How will you feel when/if he blames you for keeping him from trying again? You think he won't? You are now his wife's other woman. You know how much you hate your H's OW.

Just remember, my H & I RECONCILED more than a year after the discovery point where you are. He wanted a divorce for nearly 2 years too.

Take care and be wise.

<small>[ July 02, 2003, 12:47 PM: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]</small>

NO NO NONONO this guy has been divorced for 2 yrs. He is NOT married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kuljey - Hey I am going to put a new spin on this - I just got divorced in September - and it was absolute in January - And I have been seeing this guy since then - - now - he just got divorced on May 29th - so essentially I was with a married man - but his wife had a boyfriend and she is the one that asked him to leave... So this is what I am doing - I care about him truly I do - he is somewhat in the same situation as me - just going through a divorce - We are pretty much seeing each other only and are happy - but I am not holding out hope that he is my one and only new love - he is just right now - and it is easy and I am happy with that... He understands what I went through and I understand exactly what he is feeling... So I think that if you want to continue seeing him fine - just be careful - my girls love my guy - totally - they are 10 and 13 - they were craving some sort of male attention that their father isn't willing to give... Now he has two boys 12 and 15 and they aren't ready to have anything to do with me right now - and I am fine with that - and he knows that I care about them - but they don't need any more in their lives right now - I guess what I am saying is that you can be happy - just know your limitations - make yourself and your girls your top priorities..... No one else - but you can still see him and be happy - that is what I am thinking - though most people probably think I am way off base - but hey - it is working for me - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

kuljey:

"my 5 yr old keeps asking me if i am still her mommie, that OW said she was one too. "

My W's step mother wanted her 2 call her "mom" when she married her dad. My W was in her early 20's at the time, and said "I already have a mother" and has called her by her first name ever since. Her stepmom was hurt at first, but it faded away and was replaced with a form of respect at some point.

I worry that if the OW wants your D 2 call her "mommie", that she'll confuse her. It would be different if your H were widowed, but then we wouldn't have YOU 2 talk 2 here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I think you'll be okay, kuljey, once this is all done. I do worry about your feelings getting hurt again if this new relationship doesn't work out. Please be careful, okay?

-2long

Your children would be better off without a new man in their mother's life right now .... that is my opinion.

You don't have to agree.

This is not bashing you or your feelings.

What's wrong with waiting, and making your children your priority for a minimum of 2 years?

Pep

Kuljey-

I am almost 19 months past D-day and am not ready to date yet, but if this guy makes you happy I say go for it. Your stbx has moved on with his OW. There is no reason you should not move forward with someone else. I would not have brought him around the kids but since you have if you do break up I hope its friendly. They seem to have formed a bond with his daughters and it would be sad if they could not keep in touch. I wish you the best of luck with your new relationship. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Kuljey, Just be careful. In your situtation, I would do the same and feel the same. Just protect your heart. Protect your kids hearts.

YOu deserve to date and be happy, but remember how much dating breakups can hurt. I look back and they could be pretty painful.

If and when you and this man breakup, it will hurt the kids, it will be another father figure loss and another mother figure loss for his kids.

I can't advise you not to date, because I would. Heck, I signed up for the church singles groups the day I found out about H's affair!!! How is that for rash thinking?? I wasn't looking for sex, or a date, just to not sit home and be the bitter sad cheated on one.

I hope things turn out for the best