I guess I have spoken too soon about how great my FWS and I are doing.I know this has been addressed on the board before but I could not seem to find anything on it in my haste and emotional tizzy.

I have posted that my H has refused for 2 years to answer very many questions or talk about the PA or the FOW. The MC and I explained to him the importance of talking about it and answering all questions with complete honesty but I have had to just continue in the recovery without the info and the much needed talks. We have been doing good and then today it felt like he pulled the pin on a hand grenade and placed it in my chest.Please help me to know how to handle this.

We went out of town for the weekend and on the way home today, we was talking about an out of town trip he will be taking in a few days and something came up about the time he was in another state with his job during the time he was invloved in the PA and out of the blue,he admitted the PA had started months,several months before the time he has absolutely sworn it started. I have asked him so many times to be totally honest with me and he has lied for 2 and a half years! I did not LB, I was actually speechless.

By the time we drove home I thought I was going to explode,die,scream,cry,freak out.....many of the same feelings I had on the first Dday.He does not have a clue why this is bothering me.I do not believe there is anyone on this earth that has a clue what this is all like unless they have been through it with someone they truly love and trust.

How much more has he lied about? I have endured so much and I have done everything I know and that I could find to do,that was the right and best thing to do to rebuild this M and this is a big slap in the face.Am I wrong for being so upset about this lie? He swore on my life that he was telling the truth before. I believe there is more he has lied about.

Why couldn't he have just told me the truth from the beginning or at least in the first year of recovery? I am THE easiest person on earth to talk with.I am a great listener,I am calm,reasonable,reassuring and kind. I am hurt and angry at the same time.
I am having a hard time with this. I have told myself that we are doing good and to just let it go but my heart feels like it will explode. kk

<small>[ July 01, 2003, 02:00 PM: Message edited by: kings kid ]</small>

(((( KK ))))

#1 .... you are NOT nuts. This is a very hurtful discovery.

#2 .... It would be worse if he waited even longer to tell you this.

#3 .... "He swore on my life that he was telling the truth before." .... ickky!

Write a letter.... you're a good writer. Something along the lines:

"You swore on my life you had confessed to me the absolute truth about when the affair began. Now you tell me you were not truthful when you swore on my life. This lie hurts like a hand grenade to my chest. I can't breathe. Help me. I hurt. How can I heal when I don't know everything? Help me!"

I am so sorry.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

((((((((((((((((kk)))))))))))))))

He is now giving you what he believed you wanted and should have given you before. This must be devastating, but it is a NECESSARY step to true recovery kk. I am so sorry you are hurting, but this is a positive thing in the long run even though it is killing you now. I don't blame you for suspecting more lies, because your trust has been destroyed again....but perhaps the worst is now over and these things can finally have some closure. People tell lies for many reasons....the biggest one....is to protect themselves. It was horribly selfish for him to lie, but then not so different from having a A and the kind of selfishness that takes.

I know right now....It feels like this will hurt forever, and I can only promise you it won't. My h would have lied forever if I hadn't discovered the truth quite by accident. I would have gone my whole marriage not knowing how duplictious he was. Have faith in knowing this initial pain will ease and the knowledge IS power.

Pepper, Thanks to my friend,again. I can always use the reassurance that...
#1. I am not "nutzo".
#2. It would have hurt more if he had waited longer?????? ok.I trust you somehow.It would have hurt more if he had waited any longer.
#3.My life didn't mean much to him or he doesn't believe in that truth monster that will snap a persons neck and kill them dead if he is lying. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ok.

Write him a letter..... I will try again. Today,rather than having any more discoveries or discussions,he went to the 3 acres and started mowing and weed eating and gardening.(still a conflict avoider) Thank you. kk

star*fish, Thank you so much. I find comfort in your words and encouragement in your advice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is now giving you what he believed you wanted and should have given you before. This must be devastating, but it is a NECESSARY step to true recovery kk. I am so sorry you are hurting, but this is a positive thing in the long run even though it is killing you now. I don't blame you for suspecting more lies, because your trust has been destroyed again....but perhaps the worst is now over and these things can finally have some closure. People tell lies for many reasons....the biggest one....is to protect themselves. It was horribly selfish for him to lie, but then not so different from having a A and the kind of selfishness that takes.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are right. The worst is over and closure has been the one thing that I had the biggest problem with as stated in my early posts. I will try to look at this from the point of progress.It's kind of like labor pains when delivering a baby.Maybe when it(the pain,the closure) is all past and over,there will be joy unspeakable!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Have faith in knowing this initial pain will ease and the knowledge IS power .
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your words of concern and kindness have helped me more than you know.Thank you,star*fish. kk

kk,

You and I both know that true recovery can never be based on lies.....so this is one of the classic examples of "half full" or "half empty". You can look at this experience as negative....and who would blame you! Or....you can look at this as an opportunity to finally (whew) deal with the truth. I suspect that you knew the truth all along......didn't you? And now that it is out in the open....you can expose it, and deal with it....and VANQUISH it from you life and your marriage. You are, like me, a valiant warrior.....do not give this thing power....but let it empower YOU.

Thank him. Yes, I said thank him, for telling you the truth. Tell him how much the truth hurts you.....but also let him know that it was the RIGHT thing to do...and never to let deception come between you again! You are now armed with knowledge.....and it is a hard and dark knowledge, but it is very powerful in your quest to infidelity-proof your marriage.

Your husband would be a fool to lose you....tell him that too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

star*fish, (((((((((*))))))))) Thank you from the depths of my heart and soul,thank you. Someone who finally and truly DOES understand.
Oh,my,what a powerful and awesome post! You are so right,star*fish,about so many things.
Perfect,absolutely,perfect! I am so glad I came here with this today. I wish I had the words to truly express to you how enlightened I am by your words! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I will go right now and do exactly as you suggested.What wonderful timing as my H just came in and said that he has dinner ready for us.I will have something extra to be thankful for when I say grace before the meal. kk

kingskid,

My heart sank when I read your post because I know exactly what you are going through. My DH did this same thing to me and I am amazed our marriage survived it. It was like dying a death of a thousand cuts. I always knew there were facts withheld and his lack of openness made our marriage like living in the eggshell family.

And every time a little drib or drab was dragged out, it put my recovery back to DAY 1. And believe me, you won't be happy until EVERYTHING comes out and everything makes "sense."

It took a very long time for him to comprehend that our marriage would NEVER RECOVER until it ALL CAME OUT. Otherwise, we both would suffer this over and over and over again. And KK, here is another injury he is inflicting on your marriage, by forcing you to DRAG IT OUT it absolutely impedes any possibility of trust.

What made him finally spill it ALL and get it over with? I blew up one day and told him that he was essentially keeping me in a marriage with A LIE, AGAINST MY WILL. By withholding facts ABOUT MY LIFE I was wrongfully prevented from making decisions about MY LIFE. If I had the facts, I might NOT CHOOSE to stay with him. As it was, he was arrogantly choosing for me by deciding which facts I should have ABOUT MY LIFE. HOW DARE HE?? [my blood pressure goes up just thinking about it!] Anyway, I think that convinced him how very damaging - and WRONG- his withholding was.

KK, once he opened up with the FULL TRUTH, our marriage started changing dramatically. No more walking on eggshells, no more guarded statements. We were really intimate becuase there were no more secrets between us. We both have healed.

<small>[ June 30, 2003, 07:32 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

MelodyLane, It means a lot to know someone does understand what I am going through right now. Thank you for your support,kind words and good advice.
I feel like I am in a painful daze this morning.I will continue to think positive and see this as a good thing but I still hurt.The extra months,what we did,where we were and how things were with us during that time,the realizations,the lies,etc.

I told him last night that I was appreciative of his finally telling the truth. You are right in what you say.I have tried to explain to him but he just has never understood or gotten it.
I am so glad that you and your H have talked and that you have been able to heal and rebuild. How wonderful! Hopefully this is a beginning of the truth for us.I have talked with him,emailed him articles from MB and posts from the forum,the MC told him the importance of the truth,and done everything I know to do.

We have been doing so great.I hope to continue.I will try again to talk with him.Thank you for your sweet and encouraging post to me.I appreciate the responses more than anyone knows.Sometimes I feel so alone so I come here and read.It is a place where there is understanding and hope.Thank you.

Check out the line of questions in the Recovery section...your posts here are very helpful to me.

Topic: New Discoveries...do they really matter?

I often wonder about those that insist you don't have to know.

I just can't imagine going to confessional and saying:

"Forgive father for I have sinned"

Father: "And what sins do you seek forgiveness for?"

"You don't need to know it will only upset you...just give me my forgiveness." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

YOU yes YOU have to know what you are forgiving in order to truly forgive. You will hold back from true recovery if you think your spouse is holding back the truth.

dustkitty, I checked out the Recovery Board and read the thread by Stunned-dad.I read some things that you posted there that is very interesting and helpful.
You wrote,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> No one wants to hear this crap. No one wants to picture it. We just want to see if we are living with someone fit have around forever or some lying hedonistic sneak.

You can&#8217;t build a marriage with someone who keeps secrets or lies&#8230;and does not admit that they do. &#8220;I forgot&#8221; can sound repentant or defensive...that is why New Discoveries really matter. They let us see how the BS handles it...repentant or defensive.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How vey true! One of the reasons I have asked my H about any of it is due to that first part.I want to know if I can feel safe with him for the rest of my life.Then I think how can I ever feel all right about him.We were a wonderful,dream of a couple before he did this! Then I think ok,if he will just sit down with me and talk to me and help me to understand how this all came about,how,when,what,where,how long,what now,and maybe find something in that conversation that will help him to never allow himself to do it again and something that will help me understand that it had nothing to do with me(which is what HE says and I have come to believe) or if it did what I can do to make sure I do not do it again.
It has never happened.He refuses.He simply says it was all about him and his own bad decisions and sick thinking.
Then he drops a bombshell yesterday.Last night I asked him to talk to me and go ahead and tell me everything, since he has reopened my wounds, rather than waiting another two months or two years for more corrected info or truths.He just sat there.I asked him about a couple of things being the truth and he hesitantly said he had told me the truth about that.I was hoping that this would be the beginning of his radical honesty.He just will not do anything about this except on his terms.
dustkitty, I appreciate your response to me. Thank you for the compliment. I am glad for any words that I wrote that was of interest or a help to you.I feel that I am not one to post to others much as I did not find MB until after the A was over and we was back together. My H will not read on the forum and has no interest in it. He has even made the statement that "other people cannot tell us what to do and that every situation is different." He doesn't have a clue.He just does not get it.
Thank you. You are a wise lady and your taking time to read and respond means a lot to me. kk

stunned-dad,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I often wonder about those that insist you don't have to know.

I just can't imagine going to confessional and saying:

"Forgive father for I have sinned"

Father: "And what sins do you seek forgiveness for?"

"You don't need to know it will only upset you...just give me my forgiveness."

YOU yes YOU have to know what you are forgiving in order to truly forgive. You will hold back from true recovery if you think your spouse is holding back the truth.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What a fantastic way of explaining this situation! You have put a new light on it. I will print out your post and give it to my H.Maybe it will help to open his eyes and his heart to the truth.He is like your FWS as he has a lot of memory problems. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
I do not believe it is a memory thing.They just feel that we do not have the right to know everything. That is the conclusion I have come to at this stage of our recovery. They are arrogant and self serving when it comes to their A. During and after. I used to think that my H just did not want to hurt me any more but I do not believe that any longer.
I am so sorry that you are going through this,too.My hope for you is for peace,love and resolve. Thank you for taking time to post to me. kk