Hi All Fellow MB Plan B'ers!

How about a thread where we could all meet and talk about our struggles, our concerns, the ups and downs, etc.? I know there are many of us out there, and many of us have our own threads. But this could be our common meeting ground.

We can give each other strength, answer questions, keep the motivation going.

In addition, those considering Plan B might find some help here.

OK, I will start. My H and I are in our second Plan B, just a week into it now. Our first lasted 6 weeks, after which he contacted me, we reviewed conditions for his return and he moved back in. All conditions were met, including sending the NC letter. He wrote me a 6-page letter, telling me I was the love of his life, owning up to his mistakes and actually outlining additional extraordinary precautions to keep us safe from the OW. Even talked about going to the MB Weekend in September.

Yet almost as soon as he returned I sensed a weakening of his resolve, said he didn't think we would get that much out of the MB Weekend because we already had the books, etc. He got meds for the depression we heard would come, but each and every day he seemed to withdraw more and more.

Then 2 weeks ago I arrived home from work to discover a note: he had moved out. Within a week he was back with the OW. I asked him to return home to work on our M, go back to NC with OW, and let's work on recovery. He said no. I asked what his plans were for the OW and his response was that he would decide "one week at a time."

Well, that immediately launched Plan B II for me.

This time, as I have posted on my other thread, I am stronger, more focused on me. I am not obsessing each day, waiting for the phone call, the email, any contact from H that says he knows he is making a mistake. I am not pining, but am locking away my love in a special place, to be unlocked when he realizes the mistake he has made.

I have contacted all three of his brothers and told them about our separation and his A. I didn't think it was right for me to continue to enable the A by keeping the "secret."

So that's where I am. Let's see if we have any more Plan B'er who want to come on board here.

Rallying together...keep the faith and don't give up!

ISG

<small>[ September 09, 2003, 07:23 PM: Message edited by: ISGirl ]</small>

Well I'm not in Plan B myself but I'm more than happy to be your cheerleader (just don't make me wear the outfit <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ).

Coffeeman,

Glad to have you here, with your sage advice and wisdom.

The costume is optional. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hope to see some others jump on.

Hi ISGirl,
I am a fellow B-er. My H or now exH as of several weeks has been involved in an affair with a coworker. The coworker also divorced as a result of this affair. Both families have teenage children involved in the mess. I have been in plan B during most of my 10 month separation due to receiving verbal abuse from ex. I have been getting stronger everyday that this affair has dragged out.

I did back slide last week and made contact with ex. He had OW with him when he pick up our children. The fact that OW was on my property sent me into a rage. My oldest son was freaked out to see her and was worried about my reaction.
I of course downplayed it for my son but inside I was burning with rage with the disrepect my ex has continued to show me.

I called my ex up and told him I did not want the OW on my property and of course he just laugh it off. I knew better then to call and lower myself to their level but I did it anyway. Another lesson learned in this game, just stay away from the mess.

I spoke with Cerri who advised me to continue to plan B my husband up to two years from the date of the divorce.

I am now not in any contact with ex with the exceptions of necessary email or cell phone voice mail in regards to our children

My ex has told me that it is my fault that he will be force to marry OW due to clause in divorce agreement. The clause stipulates that neither one of us have non related overnight guest (lovers)in front our teenage sons. I am the only parent involved standing up for morals.

Plan B has been a life saver for me. Just the few times I have heard from my ex has caused me great pain. I don't want to give up total hope that my relationship is truly over with ex but disconnecting emotionally from him now is the only way I can survive.

My life plan is to focus on myself and my children. No dating for two years from divorce date, in the event the affair does die and WS awakes from the fog and I know I need at least 2 years to heal from this marriage anyway.

Thanks for starting this support thread, I needed to vent...Rhonda

ISgirl, I also wanted to highjack your thread to thank my MB friends who have been there to hold my hands throughout this plan B journey..my dearest friend Ammon and gal pal Neesha. I also want to thank my fellow Houstonian MB friends most especially Honey, who has reminded countless times that our WS are addicted aliens....Rhonda

TMCM-please reconsider the outfit! It's for a good cause!

IsGirl, good idea!
I've been in Plan B for 7 weeks now, some of you may know me under my old name. I've been around for about 6 mos. or so.
I started Plan B just after a good visit home from WH, he was here for 2 days, no LB's,just nice family stuff. That was just before Father's Day.
Thus Father's Day was a bust for him, no cards, gifts or phone calls from his children, I never even reminded them of the day. He finally called them at 9:30 pm. that day. Hmmm...
He resisted at first using my friend as a G0-between, and aside from a few phone calls directly to me, he has cooperated, although he did say to friend, "I don't know why I can't call her?" Occasionally he won't return her calls. Frustration, Hmmm...
Then over 4th of July, I went away with the kids on our much loved annual Family trip to HIS hometown to see HIS Family and our friends (all very supportive of me)(Lots of celebrating, parades, contests, cookouts, reunions..)
While we were gone, OW recieved a letter from me, probably very much out of line with Plan B, but I sent it anyways...WH called 20 min. after we got home, so VERY angry, over the top angry, his angry calls did not stop till 10:30 that night. My conclusion was that there had to be some very big trouble in Paradise, because the only times he got that angry since D-Day was when OW tried to break it off as a result of my contact(which totals, 2 letters and maybe 4 phonecalls)
Two days later, he calls much calmer, apologetic tone (though no apology), his usual pattern.(A back on solid ground?)
Since then very minimal contact. It has been much better for me emotionally, not to hear his voice whether it be nice or angry words, not to see him, not to have him in the house, not to know what the status of the A is. Although it does drive me crazy sometimes not knowing.
I still obsess a bit more than I'd like, but it usually comes in waves, so hopefully it will continue to get better.
Sometimes I think that Plan B is just giving him the D he wants (but doesn't get because of $$ ??)and I wonder if it even bothers him.
After several months of minimal contact with the kids, he now seems to be attempting every other saturday visits...is that enough for him? Is that all he needs to get his kid fix? That part really bothers me.
Anyways, overall, P-B is working for me, I'm out of the triangle for the most part, just need to keep my mind on other things.
I still hope someday, I'll get that call, or he'll show up at my door ready to talk reconciliation. I'm just afraid that if it takes too long, what love I have left will be gone. The other part of me realizes that it may not happen, he just may be happier, and that is very hard for me to comprehend.
But life will go on, it does go on..
So did this post...on & on & on...Sorry! Got carried away!

LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

TexMex Rhonda !

This is sooooo funnee <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

" My ex has told me that it is my fault that he will be forced to marry OW due to clause in divorce agreement."

This is an extreemly disrespectful thing for your ex to say about OW! It implies that he might NOT ever marry her otherwise! What? She's not actually marriage-material, except his ex-W is "forcing" him to say vows before God????

This is just about the funniest fog-blather I've heard in a loooong time.

How the hell did you keep from busting out laughing? How did you keep from shooting juice out your nose when he said this?

He just dis'ed the OW BIG TIME.

As the Stooges might say ... '"What a marroon."

Pep

<small>[ August 03, 2003, 03:43 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

OK, I don't know which made me laugh harder:

Texmexgal's ex telling her it was her fault he was being forced to marry the OW...

...or Pepperband's asking texmexgal how she could keep from shooting juice out her nose when she heard him say that!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Now, texmexgal. Please don't talk about hijacking "my" thread. I started this for all of us, so everyone should feel free to speak to anyone, to vent, to yell and scream...whatever you need to make you feel better. This thread belongs to all of us. We don't even need to acknowledge the term "hijacking" here.

Now, gotta admit something. After all the chest-beating about how much better I am doing in this Plan B II, I must say I am having a bit of a downer this afternoon. Don't know why. But, I know it will pass.

ISG

Issy!!!

What a great idea for support in Plan B! I've got a couple of ideas like this for the EN board too. Let me know if I can help. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ISGirl,

I think this is a great idea. I am probably only days away from Plan B. It is not what I want but I cant do this any longer. My WH has been with OW for almost a year. It has been almost 6 months since D-Day for me. Like everyone else's my story is long. I have a thread here now under this name. It gives some background. I guess right now I am very scared, because I feel as though once he gone that is it. I guess that is the chance we must take, but hearing the the statements that have come out of his mouth the past 2 days just make me feel that way. I know we are not suppose to believe or understand a thing WH says while in the FOG, but it is still scary. Well I am going to keep track of this post and believe me any advice is greatly appreciated. Talk to everyone soon.

L

I don't have much to say today--so busy moving, nothing happening new with me.

However, you guys certainly can't leave me out as a member of the PB CLUB.

Love to You.

STAY DARK!!!! That's our MOTTO!!!!

Pep, I am afraid to say that no moisture leaked from my nostrils upon hearing that comment from my WS!!

I tend to lose sight sometimes of fact the WS are in this fog. My WS always sounds so normal and seems to have it all together. I feel like I am the crazy one now.

When he made that comment, it broke my heart actually. I had wondered if I had made a terrible mistake not allowing him to sleep with her in front of kids.

But then I slapped myself out of my own fog and laughed about it all. Let them get married, then he will next be blaiming me when that marriage fall apart because, I made him marry her after all!!!

star*fish,

You are always welcome here. Many of us have come to know your calm, rational advice. In fact, all MB Vets are encouraged to hop on. I may change the thread title to include them.

Lisa,

None of us wants to be in Plan B, but we, like you, get to the point that the Protection we should be receiving from our spouses isn't there, so we must protect ourselves. We have all heard very frightening words out of the mouths of our WS, so please listen to those who tell you - and us - not to believe the fog-babble. Read some of the posts from former WS's who are in recovery. They can't believe those words came out of their mouths.

Mimi,

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> How could you ever think you wouldn't be a charter member of the PB Club? Wish I were nearby to help you pack and move.

texmexgal,

Glad you realized your own fog! You're right, if they did get married and it failed, by golly, you would probably be the one he blames.

Hey Guys,

Do you ever have one of those moments where you suddently ask yourself, "My God, this is real. My S actually is cheating on me! S/he is sleeping with another person! How can I possibly live with this person again in my life?" I, like you, have had several moments like that, but then I realize once again, the addictive nature of the A. I replace the word A with the word cocaine and realize I would not leave him if that were his problem.

I had a dream last night where she was actually in my house, as was he. She was explaining all the "closeness" they had together. It was a horrible, horrible dream. And guess what? In the dream, my H did nothing...just stood by and watched the OW and I "do battle" for him. Wow!

Can I be an honorary member of this club? I have to confess I'm in Plan B+. And I, too, am having a slightly down day with all this.

Texmexgal -- you sound SO like me! My H is calm, rational, etc. Everyone believes him. No matter how bizarre his behavior. He told his mother that he "lets" his kids stay with me because he "respects" me. Good heavens! Everything he has done is the very opposite of respect! And the kids stay here because they have chosen to! But others believed the fog babble.

I, too, am systematically violated by H and OW. For example, I'm pretty sure she has gone through "our" mailbox, to which he has access and is our form of neutral communication. I wanted to throw a fit over this -- but forbear, forbear. He too would blow it off, I would be acting "extreme," and I would again become the hysterical one. I guess you just have to resign yourself to some of this. Can't prove it, but I suspect she came through the house when I wasn't here.

Here's why I'm not in Plan B: I think part of him would like it too much. Part of him wants to bury me and deny me. I continue to send Plan A notes, etc. -- not intimate, but friendly, as if to a neighbor I didn't know too well. I approached him to ask him a business-type question when we were at the same marketplace, etc. We frequently run into each other...and OW. This A is very public.

Texmex, I too wonder what's going on, and have to keep reminding myself there's nothing I can do about it. As a friend of mine said, "Nobody gets real till after they hit the wall." He's got to hit the wall.

I'd like to join as well.

I have just moved to Plan B as of yesterday (which is when he should have received his letter in the mail). Today was not a good day for me. I got a call from a credit card company (that H is supposed to be paying) telling me that the payment is 2 months late. I had to call my MIL and ask her to talk to H. This really sucks since the credit cards are in my name (since he didn't have any credit). Now I have to pay for this and hope he pays me back. We'll see. Off to a bad start but I did not break my plan b. I wanted to but didn't. That's all for now.

Thanks for starting this thread.

H98

<small>[ August 05, 2003, 06:29 PM: Message edited by: No2nos ]</small>

(((((((((((((MB Plan B-ers)))))))))))
Just wanted to give out a group hug!

A.M. Martin, Thanks for sharing that you have the same thoughts and feelings. During the divorce mediation, he attempted to charm the mediator. My attorney dropped the mediator's jaw when he enlighten her with tales of WS behavior during the separation!

I was so afraid that my WS would convince our children that our marriage was how he has now reinvented it. My WS has even cried in front of our sons telling them that he was so sorry that our family was now broken but its mommie's fault. At first I defended myself but lately I just decided to continue to be the sane parent and just keep a low profile.

And that approached seems to be working the best.

I am happy to say that my sons have come to me after their visits with their dad venting about the live-in OW.

My youngest son complained that the OW laughs at everything that comes out of WS mouth even if is not funny. I knew exactly what he had meant..I call it the stepmother's laugh.

My father who had custody of my brothers and me is currently on his fourth marriage. The future stepmoms all had this same laughing condition! The laughing always stopped soon after the marriages.
An example of this laughing can be seen in the movie "Sleepless in Seattle". The woman who Tom Hank is dating had the same laughing disease!

I would love to be a fly on the wall watching the day the OW stops laughing..

Ahhhhh, I felt the hug, Texmex. Thanks.

Well, everyone, it is Monday and we have now made it through another day. We have survived, we are just a teensy bit stronger than we were yesterday. Believe that, even if you feel a little more "down" than you did yesterday, your strength is building.

What did you do for yourself today? In addition to working (I guess that's for me...$$$), I worked out with weights tonight. I'm a real pretty picture right now...sweat dripping down my face, hair soaked, but it felt good. I also realize I have been neglecting my body for too long. I will feel very sore tomorrow, but it will also feel like I am accomplishing something.

Discussion topic: my WH said to me, in answer to the question: "do you think you will be able to go through your life without falling back on affairs to make you feel better?" (this is his 2nd A in 11 years). His response: "I guess it is like alcoholism. You may never DO it again, but you are always that person who might do it."

Do you agree?

By the way, do you think we should split up and go to some of the other Plan B threads out there and invite the posters to hop on over here and join us? Or would we be guilty of hijacking?

ISG

ISGirl, Congrats on making it another day!

This is my WS second affair also. He had an EA with my best friend and neighbor four years ago. This affair is an different animal all together, much more intense. We had been married 13 years when the first affair occurred. We fixed our marriage ourself after the first affair, attending couple counseling a couple of times, went away on a vacation together without the kids,and started attending church as a family.

After finding this site I realized that I have been in a false recovery period since the last affair, never addressing the reasons why he cheated in the first place.

I have asked the experts, is it true once a cheater always a cheater? I have been told by both Cerri and Jennifer, no the WS can change. MB offers the tools to rebuild a marriage to be affair proof.

I failed to affair proof my marriage by not being a couple with my husband and spending time together, another woman did. I will never make that mistake again.

Texmex,

Our stories sound similar. The A 11 years ago was a PA, strictly, I believe. Yet we never followed the right steps to recovery. Wish we had found MB back then. Perhaps this EA/PA that he is having such a tough time ending would not have happended.

It is encouraging that both Cerri & Jenn have told you that the infidelity is indeed curable. So you have counseled with Jenn? Me/us too. Since the first of the year.