One of my great fears is that if I confront her about the affair, tell her my feelins, and that I believe that she should not have any more contact with the OM..... Well, I fear that she will decide to leave me. I fear she may tell me that if she has to choose between him and me, she will choose him. This is scary. Can anybody offer help and hope?

auto009988,

If she has A she already choose OM ... what R U talking about ?. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> .

I would do 2 things before putting the fact on the table. First, get info. on OM !. Pay P.I if you have to. Know your enemy like yourself ... ! Second, find out what is your contibution to the unhappiness in your M. Get your plan A action list going !. I even print the ENq & LBq and give it to her and say "hey honey my coworker print this for us ... why don't you fill it up." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

-rh-

And what have you got if you don't confront her. The A anyway. Continually goning on behind your back, that's no way to live. Confront her. Let her leave, start plan A then see if OM can meet all her EN's

See how long that will go on. Read here, learn everything and if it going to work for you and her then this is the best way to get there.

Good luck Auto!

Hey Auto,

We BS always fear our WS choosing the OP but don't let that fear keep you from doing what you need to do for yourself. You know you honestly cannot be happy letting this go on and not doing anything about it.

If you leave things up to her, she will probably choose neither you or him and just have the best of both worlds a.k.a. "cake eating".

It's really tough going in the beginning, but if you don't start now it will only take that much longer to get to the final destination.

First off, educate yourself with this site and any books recommended from here. Create a Plan and execute it. Find yourself some support from here, friends/family and a good counselor would be great.

Auto...

Here is a brief theme of a sermon that was during a wedding I was in a little over a year ago.

The minister stated that the marriage could be a lot like holding a handful of sand. You need to maintain your grip on it to hold the sand...however, if you grip it too tightly, it will slip through your fingers.

Do not try to control her...it will only drive her away from you.

Do not put up with anything you cannot tolerate...it will only drive her to walk all over you.

You need to tell her what you will and will not put up with and (this is the important part) back it up. If you fear losing her and act accordingly, you will lose her.

when you have concrete evidence of the affair, the best thing you can do is apply pressure to it. do that through well done plan a. read as much as you can and implement it today. her affair is a fantasy world. your marriage is reality. the sooner her arrair begins to see shards of its own reality the better. more reality = more stress. more stress = more unravelling.

yes ... there is hope. i was as afraid as you were. we all were at some point. i'm guessing that she will not say she has to choose between the both of you. part of what makes affairs workable for a person is having both feet in both worlds. your wife needs you and the om to fill her emotional needs.

right now, her affair partner is an attractive choice because with him she has a "perfect" partner -- she shows him her best self and he shows his in return. it's all a facade. with you she has a mortgage and car payment.

plan a is a strategy to negotiate the end of the affair. part of that negotiation is being the more attractive choice. stand up for yourself and your marriage -- chances are it's what she wants you to do.

<small>[ October 13, 2003, 10:58 AM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>

or you can be like my BIL, and have your wife walk out for the om anyway. Not confronting her is no guarantee that you will keep her!

Today we agreed to talk about our marriage. I had planned to tell her that she should not contact the OM and I would commit to doing everything I could to make our marriage better.

However, she opend the discussion by saying that she had talked to our pastor who had told her that she could not continue the affair as it was unfair to me. She then told me that she could not give up OM and did not want to hurt me. So, she wants to end our marriage. Supposedly OM is having this same talk with his wife.

As I feared she has, at this time, chosen the OM. To say that I a devasted is an understatement. I cannot believe this is happining to me.

She is still at home. Supposedly she will find a room with a 'girlfriend' and move out in the next week.

Advice and words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. Right now I can't think straight.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by auto009988:
<strong> ...However, she opend the discussion by saying that she had talked to our pastor who had told her that she could not continue the affair as it was unfair to me. She then told me that she could not give up OM and did not want to hurt me. So, she wants to end our marriage. Supposedly OM is having this same talk with his wife..... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IMHO, she is babbling. However she believes what she is babbling and expects you to just comply. Not wanting to hurt you is an understatement. Tell her she didn't just hurt you she deliberately hurt you, family, friends and God.

Then let her go and do her dirty deed. The WS and OM have a plan. It has been in the making for a while and it is a calculated one.

If that is the fact, then they planned to hurt you, your family and his family. Don't do things according to her time schedule. If it is too painful for you, put her out now. Do things for your timeschedule and tolerance level.

Learn about plan B and implement it ASAP. You must know your boundaries also. Get with a good MC & call Steve/Jennifer or Cerri here at MB for some solid phone counseling. I can't stress to you enough how beneficial that will be.

I am sorry for what you are going through. One observation, you are headed for a quicker recovery than she is. RE: you have no idea what the other BS is capable of. Your W is the OW in the other family. Sad but true.

Your mind and heart will get in sync soon. It will take a bit so don't fret. Rile up your support group and don't go on this alone.

take care and vent here.
L.

I'm sorry you are going through this right now, especially close to the holidays. My story is very similar to yours. I think most of the stories here are. My wife left to be with OM about 3 months ago. I went into plan B a little over a month ago. My wife has recently wanted to talk about getting back together. I broke my plan B to talk with her. She is not ready to make the committment yet, but her future with OM doesn't look very good. I exposed the affair to friends and family and I was the one that told OM's wife about the affair. The OM has had a history of affairs/a serial cheater. My D tells me that they fight alot. They yell at one another. Something I rarely if ever did when she was with me. I think WW is beginning to see that the grass is not always greener on the other side. The OM just cannot meet all of her needs. So, my suggestion to you is let her go. Let OM try to meet all of her needs. But, you have to go totally no contact so she will not have any needs being met by you and wait. In this waiting time, get yourself together. Read some good books like, Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs, Torn Asunder and Divorce Busters. Learn as much as you can and work on yourself. Do stuff you enjoy. Go out with friends. Do something to get her off of your thoughts and let them try to meet each others needs. I think your W will be like mine and so many others before ours and find that OM can't meet all of her needs. She will eventually come out of the fog and then she will be ready to reconcile. Don't give up and keep posting...

Hi auto

I am sorry to hear what your going through.

One thing I'm not sure why your allowing her to wait before leaving.

Tell her in a loving way, something like, I love you, but you've made your choice. I've packed the cloths you will need. I need all the credit cards that have our name on them. I also need the house key. You can stay, I want you to, but only if the OM is out of the picture, and you never contact him again, if not then you must go today. The door will always be open to you, but only when your ready to work on the M. Keep in touch I do care for you and love you and would like to know how your doing.

I would also have your checking and savings change over into just your name. I would make sure all the Credit Cards are cancelled.

Also, are you sure the OMW knows any of this. I would find a way to contact her and make sure she knows. Also if you haven't told her and your family its probably time to do so after she is out of the house also include friends.

Keep doing Plan A, keep meeting her EN's as best you can.

Silver

Consider conveying the following, in a calm, respectful, and soothing voice the next time you see her:

"Honey I want our marriage to work. But you’re right, it’s not working. I’ll help you move out."

Why convey these words to her? Because they will help you stop doing what was has not worked -- resisting, begging, pleading to get your W to change her mind. This only challenges her more strongly to get her way. These words will give her the impression that you are not going to fight anymore about anything. You will have given her a total psychological victory. Suddenly, there will be no more satisfaction in her demand for a divorce. In effect, you have called her bluff. Once you agree to a divorce, all the tough work of what is involved in the divorce will land on her shoulders. She will be facing the prospect of going through the legal matters of a divorce -- there will be nothing in between her and all of this agonizing stuff. Also by conveying to her those words you will be clearly indicating that you are taking responsibility for whatever went wrong with the marriage by you saying to her: "You’re right.". Stop and wonder how many men and women are simply starved to hear those two precious words from their spouses. Instead of having an argument over everything, to be simply told you are right can have a wonderful healing effect. Besides, you will certainly look like a confident and strong individual that WILL make it even if the two of you do divorce, and that will only make you more attractive.

Thank you for the advice and good thoughts.

After I posted the today's message I decided to call the OM. I told him in a very repsectful way that this A could only end in pain for many people and that my beloved wife would be greatly hurt when she realized that she chose these actions. I asked him to implement a non-contact plan with her so that we can get on with repairing and building our marriage.

Of course, he refused.

I thanked him for his reply, told him there was no point to continuing the conversation and hung up.

I had thought of asking her to leave immediately, but I am not sure that is the best thing. First, I love her and want her to stay. Second, How can I do a Plan A if she is gone? Third, WW talks about these things, but to actually do them is something else.

In any event I feel the best I have in days. Calling the OM and listening to his callous replies, really caused things to gel in the watery mush that is called my brain. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

hurrah!! toomuchcoffeeman rides again. auto ... what tmcm wrote is golden.

in one of your earlier posts, you mention that the om was going to talk to his wife. do you know if he's done so yet?

also, how many people in your family know of the affair yet?

juct curious, my friend.

it's good that you're feeling better after speaking with om. those conversations rarely end the way we hope they will. but it's good you got some peace of mind from it.

{{{{{Auto}}}}}

I think you are only giving her more reason to be with OM by trying to control her and telling her she can't have contact. I saw the same thing in my exwh. They are like defiant children.

I know you are going through this horrible time and it hurts to know WS and OM don't respect your wishes.

If I could go back to Dday (the first of many), I would skip Plan A altogether (believe me I did Plan A) and go right to Plan B.

I don't think a WS can imagine the pain and destruction they will cause. I believe they have to actually feel it, touch it, name it before they can react to it. Kind of like an addict needs to hit rock bottom. And we can't force rock bottom, but we can speed the process a little.

I know you must have incredible love for your WS, but if she refuses to stop seeing OM and refuses to work on the marriage, then let OM have her. Once the fantasy is reality, she'll find out the grass isn't always greener (we hope anyway that she sees this).

Be strong and keep your face to the sun! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Auto, how many people know of the affair? Your W said he was talking to his W. Has he? Does she know of A? If not, you should enlighten her. And of course, expose, expose, expose. Do your familys know?

MTD

Auto,

There are some things to be said for turfing the WS out.

It saves you the weeping, pleading, and indignity of living with, and going to bed with, someone who is already psychologically out, as they plan the escape at their convenience.

It makes it clear that your marriage is not a hotel to be checked out of at their convenience.

It throws them offguard, when they are not psychologically prepared to say goodbye yet. It catches them when their feelings for the BS have not dwindled more as the A gains momentum.

Anyway, it's what I did, and I actually don't regret it. It helped the new couple start off on the wrong foot. That in itself was worth it. I was strong, and I said, "I'd love to have you stay, but you have to end the A." It made the choice and the prices very clear. None of this, "I'm moving out because you are such a b***h" stuff from him -- the ending was clear, unexpected, and very focused on issues, not behaviors.

He said that he didn't have any place to go. I suggested OW's place. I encouraged him to go there directly. He said the R wasn't ready for that yet. Well, it's what he did two days later anyway -- and boy, was that a bad decision! No courtship -- they headed immediately for the groceries and laundry baskets.

That said, I'm still in the limbo of Plan B, so the outcomes are unclear -- though the A appears to have fizzled considerably, if not out entirely. But looking back, I do think it was the best shot. No smooth "transitions." Land them straight on the rump.

Well folks, I guess I have some good and bad news.

After days of emotional talking it out, WW has agreed to work on healing our marriage. However, she will not commit to never seeing and contacting OM since she claims they can still be "good friends". You and I know that is not realistic.

However, I am putting plan A into effect as a tool to help WW decide to break off the A and contact with OM. Since OM lives far away she cannot see him without me knowing about it as she would have to leave town. No doubt they are still in contact and continuing as an EA.

I will use plan A for as long as I can hold out or it works. Dr. H warns that separation of Plan B is a powerful tool but can backfire "out of sight out of mind". I wish to avoid that if possible.

Oh, OM told his wife he want out of the marriage. It would appear that that marriage is dead regardless of what happens to mine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

She is not trying to work on your M. By keeping contact with OM she is eating her cake and having it too. There has to be NO CONTACT. Period. But PlA is still a good idea if you can manetain it for now. If not, then PlB. Give her a dose of reality. Ask her if she knows how much her continued contact with OM is hurting you. Betcha I know the answer. Ask her if she cares. Betcha I know the answer to that one too. Don't force anything. But it is ok to let her know how her behaviour is hurting you. Set up your boundries and protect yourself.

MTD

Don't assume anything about OM's marriage.