S.H.

Please do come back. I hope my posts 2 you haven't offended. What you, and many of us, are dealing with can be very, very painful. My remark was intended 2 help you see the pain that your H must be feeling, and realize that they stem from your recent choices.

It was not intended 2 paint you as a villain and your H as an innocent victim, because the "reasons" for infidelity are bigger than just "finding passion". It's the bigger causes that need 2 be addressed in order for personal sanity 2 prevail, but while an A is going, particularly one just starting, it's hard 2 even recognize these.

...of course, it sure helps if the elephant can be shot summarily with a big gun packed with high explosives... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Please come back.

take care,
-ol' 2long

S.H.,

The longer you are gone, the more I think you have made your choice to follow your foggy heart into an affair with OM.

Please post and let us know how you are.

I hope you are OK. Let us know how you are doing.

Beau

I told H that I was coming to this site. He has read some of the material on the site and has also read these posts. Believe it or not, I hate to keep things from him (or anyone). Keeping secrets weighs too heavily on me. (I don't know why I thought I could keep the A a secret!?) I am mostly a blunt, straight-forward, honest type of person. Perhaps that's why A started in the first place... I couldn't keep feelings buried inside... I haven't been posting b/c I feel funny knowing that H can come and read them. No, we haven't been to MC. But we might start. We found out that the military offers free MC. Yes, the financial thing was a concern. I read a bit about how much it could cost. Finance is yet another issue. H is retiring. Will only be getting retirement check after the end of this month. We are counting mostly on my income. (Panic!) I will have to wait and see if I am still brave enough to post, knowing that H will come here and read everything I say.

Thanks for still posting. Please be blunt and brutally honest. That is my style and I appreciate that in others as well.

You might start a separate thread on this new subject -- I know a lot of people have their spouses reading, too. So you aren't alone in dealing with that...inhibition?...

S.H.

If your honest with your husband he will not read anything that you have not told him.

I want you to know that you have shown alot of courage to come here and take the heat. I know that you can do anything that you set your mind too. Give your marriage a fair shake.

Beau

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First of all, STOP ACTING NEEDY AND STOP PURSUING HER. Nothing is as unattractive as a BS trying to 'reclaim' his/her WS with showers of attention or affection when he or she is in withdrawl and in contact with the OP. Not only does it not work, like you have seen for yourself, but it makes the WS beleive that the BS is doing it more out of fear of losing him/her than out of true, genuine love for him/her. I recommend that you start making yourself scarce when your W is around. If she tries to engage you in small, meaningless chat, answer her in a cold and emotionless fashion and leave the room as soon as you answered her. DO NOT BE MEAN OR DISRESPECTFUL TO HER and if she asks you what is wrong convey to her CALMLY, RESPECTFULLY AND QUIETLY that since she puts her contact with the OM above your personal devastation, that it is extremely painful for you to see have any contact with her and that until she OF HER OWN FREE WILL choses to have no more contact with the OM by going to that dojo, that it is best for you that she stay away from you as much as possible. You see if you ACT like nothing is wrong and convey to her with your silence to 'Don't worry about me honey and go see the OM', then she will with a clear conscience. If she truly cares for you she will not enjoy leaving you to go to the dojo where she is going to be in contact with the OM, and she may decide that it is not worth to risk losing you by going to that dojo. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Oh and go sleep in another room so that she sleeps alone in the bedroom. Let her experience some of the loneliness you feel because of her selfish choices. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> At step you might consider is EXPOSING the affair. It would be appropriate to contact the OM’s wife and let her know about the affair. The OM’s wife needs to know what her H is doing behind her back.

The purpose of exposing the affair is NOT REVENGE. It is an effective way to stop the affair.

You might consider exposing the affair to friends and family that are support of your marriage. Again this approach is NOT REVENGE but to increase the pressure on W to have NC. The people you tell about the affair should have some influence with your wife and be willing to call her and support your marriage.

I know this is hard and embarrassing but if you want your marriage to work you have got to be insistent on NO CONTACT. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

The previous three quotes I posted were from damian's post entitled "Continuing Contact." They were from Coffee (first two) and Beau (last one). I was wondering why you hadn't replied to me in this type of way? Is it b/c my job and our livelihood depends on my income now?

Just wondering...

SH, I am not sure to whom you are addressing your question, but I would guess those questions weren't directed at you because your situation is entirely different. Do you think they apply to you? How so?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by S.H.:
The previous three quotes I posted were from damian's post entitled "Continuing Contact." They were from Coffee (first two) and Beau (last one). I was wondering why you hadn't replied to me in this type of way? Is it b/c my job and our livelihood depends on my income now?

Just wondering...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because you are NOT the BS who is trying to cut through the 'fog' of the WS to help him/her see with his/her own eyes the devastation he/she has wrought. If a BS tries to conceal his/her feelings (not the same as lashing out at the WS) for fear of upsetting or getting the WS angry, then he/she is non verbally conveying to the WS that 'I'm ok, your affair is no big deal' and thus the WS doesn't get to see the devastating consequences that his/her affair has had upon the unsuspecting BS. If the WS still choses to have contact with the OP, there is nothing that the BS can do to stop him/her from doing so, BUT the BS can make sure that the WS KNOWS that his/her pleasure comes at a great emotional cost to the BS. If the WS still has some conscience left, he/she enjoyment of his/her encounters with the OP will be now marred with thoughts of the devastated BS. Ask yourself if you can truly enjoy your encounters with your OP as much as you did before your H knew about your affair and experienced the emotional toll he is now experiencing. If you can answer yes then I'm sorry to say that your conscience is no more.

S.H.

I didn't respond to you in the manner described because you are the WS. If, I had an opportunity to talk to your husband, I would have encouraged him to confront you with what he knows and expose the affair and insist on no contact.

My comments to you were directed at getting you to be honest with your husband. Because you pride yourself on honesty, my I once again respectfully remind you that your behavior was dishonest, cruel, hurtful, and selfish.


Beau

SH, what SonofWF said is right on. Those comments are for the spouse who is not having the affair. They are the things we would all advise that person to do. In essence, they boil down to treating the unfaithful spouse with respect while making clear that the unfaithful spouse's actions are devastatingly painful.

S.H.

Your husband may want to post a topic so that we can respond. He can identify himself however he pleases but if he uses “Mr.S.H.” or something of the sort, we would get the message and be supportive of his efforts to reconcile the marriage.

Since both of you are reading MB nothing would be hidden from the other. This is just a thought and a response is not necessary.

Beau

Went thru tough wake-up call this weekend. We start counseling tomorrow. Might be some time before I post again.

Thanks again for your input everyone.

S.H.

I hope it's NOT a long while before we hear from you again, but I will respect your desire 2 stay off the boards if that's what you want, or if that's what your therapist recommends.

It is possible 2 lurk, or even post about general self-help thoughts, if you're not comfortable talking about your M. We'd still like 2 try and help if we can.

-2long

S.H.

I will be praying for you and your family.

Beau

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by S.H.:
Went thru tough wake-up call this weekend. We start counseling tomorrow. Might be some time before I post again.

Thanks again for your input everyone.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When you are ready to share some more info we are here to help you and your loved ones in any way we can.

Take care and God bless you and yours.

SH,

You asked for opinions (none of this should surprise you), so here goes...

You have "fallen in love" (i.e. become temporarily emotionally-addicted to) a man who is NOT your husband. Falling-in-love is a complete misnomer--it has NOTHING to do with real love but merely represents a transitory bio-emotional state of attraction. It is nothing more than the humanized state that animals have when "in heat" or in "breeding season". Yes, the human form has been romanticized and glorified in literature, poetry, movies, and song (it feels good!) but it represents nothing more than a call to reproduce and perpetuate the species. People, when "in love", have sex...lots of it. The only non-natural barrier preventing casual reproduction (among pre-menopausal women anyway) is the easy-availability and efficay of modern contraceptives.

I know you will deny all the above and insist that your current emotional state is "much more", "unique", "special", and far more significant ("meant to be"). You will also deny (for purely self-serving 'appearances' sake only) that lust is a factor. Not wanting to be considered (by others or yourself) to be sexually-unfaithful, you will insist that it really is "just about pure love only, nothing else". Of course this is utter nonsense--you have already had sex with this man or, at the very least, are planning in your mind to do so soon. The sex/thoughts-of-sex are merely the manifestation of the attraction/emotional-addiction state...you have already been unfaithful in your mind and probably elsewhere too.

You must end the relationship with this OM immediately, go to complete NC with him forever, and come clean to your husband about all of it. Your "magical feelings" toward him are not magic...they will evaporate gradually over a few weeks-to-months. Meanwhile, if you follow Dr. Harley's advice by spending QT together and meeting each other's key ENs, you will regain the "lost" connection and passion with your husband that you are foolishly seeking to replace with your adultery/lover.

All the justifications and rationalizions you gave...

'I don't have passion with my H, but I do with OM' [see above]
'I have never felt like this with anyone else before' [BS--there is NOTHING special here]
'I may be missing my chance' [it's a 'chance' that fails 95% of the time & ruins lives and families]
'I don't regret the A and have only apologized for the hurt that it caused my H' [cruelly insensitive & selfish]
'I believe my H is strong and can go on to recover' [self-entitlement + guilt-covering here]
'I believe my kids will do well thru it' [the ole "kids will understand" nonsense--pure fantasy--this will damage them for life]
'But I also know if they were on the other end it would really eat me up' [so, you are entitled to unto others that which you would NEVER want done to you?]

.......are the EXACT SAME EXCUSES USED BY EVERY WAYWARD SPOUSE SINCE THE DAWN OF HUMANITY. There is NOTHING SPECIAL, NOBLE, OR UNIQUE about your situation. I heard virtually everything you wrote word-for-word from my WW as has virtually every BS on these boards.

Adultery destroys marriages, families, friendships, and children
Adultery almost never results in the "happy-ever-after" fantasy that you envision
Adultery corrupts the mind, stains the soul, and devastates the heart
Adultery wrecks lives eventually, especially that of the adulterer


"Following your feelings, in the absence of your values and standards, is the surest path to personal ruin"
--Dr. Gary Chapman