Hello Comfortable........I would like to ask you more about where your at right now.......with yourself and your wife.......I'm feel comfortably numb as well.......
Cleogirl

Hey cleo give me a few more bourbons and coke and I will be comfortably numb too!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cleogirl:
<strong> Hello Comfortable........I would like to ask you more about where your at right now.......with yourself and your wife.......I'm feel comfortably numb as well.......
Cleogirl </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hello Cleo,

I've been off-line for a while. I would love to chat.

Cheers,


Numb

Hello Numb, yes I haven't seen you around in a while. I was just wondering about you and your story......what happened? Are you happy now? Why are you numb? I just can't seem to get out of this funk that I'm in........my husband is so good to me and so forgiving......what the hells wrong with me........I should be the happiest woman in the world right........but I'm not.......Having a hard time moving on........tell me about you......
cleo

cleo you know there is a pretty good reason why you feel this way.

In the begginning you were battling everything and I mean EVERYTHING!

His anger, his rage, his pain, the uncertainty of whether your marriage would survive, all of your feelings of guilt and remorse, depending on your affair some withdrawal from the OP and so on.

Your plate is not as full and now you have time to look long and hard at the poor choice you made. Plus in the begginning you had no concept of how deeply you wound your husband. His forgiveness only compounds your guilt.

May I give you some free advice?

If you feel guilty for causing his pain then don't make his suffering be meaningless. Forgive yourself. Love him like the man that stood beside
with enough love to weather the pain he felt...because he did have enough love.

In other words pay his pain back with your love not your sorrow.

The best bandaid my wife can put on my hurt heart is her smile.

Hello stunned......I understand what you are saying......I believe I really do.......however, it just doesn't seem to be that easy for me to forgive myself right now........my husband keeps telling me the same thing.......don't get me wrong I have a smile on my face and I say and do the right things.......but it's not what's in me.......it doesn't feel comfortable......very confused here.......I don't drink bourbon......but I do feel numb a lot......I have to tell you, and I haven't mentioned this yet...that I saw the OM a week or so ago.......very reserved on both of our parts......you know Hi how are you that kind of thing.........later he sent me an e-mail and said that it was good to see me and bad at the same time........I know what he meant.......maybe this encounter has thrown me into this funk.......I told my husband about the encounter........he was glad that I did........I just want to be able to move on.........I feel like I never will........

cleo,

You are going at this wrong. You are looking at all of the bad things and not the good things. Harley commented in his first articles that "any" contact will be like setting the withdrawal clock back to start. You need to stay away from OM. You also need to be honest with your H about your feelings. When you do this let him know that you "want" this to work, so you need his help, you need him to listen to you, hug you, and just be there while you fight your way out of this.

I know you read SKM's thread. It gives you a glimpse at how long this takes. What perhaps you missed is that her H, who is by the way a really neat guy, helped her, listened to her, struggled to be there for her. He brought her along because she 'Let' him do it.

You may not realize this but right now your H NEEDS you to need him. He doesn't need lies, or lies by omission. He needs you to tell him the truth about your struggles, your goals for overcoming this, and how he can help you. You letting him in, will help you and actually although it will hurt him, it will help him as well.

Why? Because of all things he needs now it is "honesty". He wants to be able to trust you again, and you telling him how you really feel even if it is not good, actually will allow him to begin to rebuild trust in you.

Cleo, let your H help you. Ask him to hold you, listen to you, cry on his shoulder even if it is for OM. It will be hard for him, but it will help you both in the long run. You have not really learned to respect your H nor do your respect his strength, and finally you don't believe his love. You really need to do these things. It will help you, and you will begin to see who you are really married to. Your attempts to protect him are disrespectfull judgments, DJ's, and assume he cannot handle it. He has taken all you have hit with, and he is still there. The man is far stronger than you are giving him credit for, do that at least.

God Bless,

JL

JL.....thank you for writing.......Seeing the OM was not good for me.....it was accidental I live in a samll town and it was bound to happen......I am trying better to communicate with my H.....this has never been a strong suit of mine......probably a lot of why I found myself in this mess.......My husband is truly there for me...I know this........I just want to be able to be there for him........I am such a different person now.......some good and some bad.......I hate upsetting my H......when I feel like talking about the experience I know he wants to listen but I feel like it hurts him at the same time...I told him it was hard for me to talk with him sometimes on the subject.....bitter sweet......
cleo

Cleo,

Don't you understand your H NEEDS to be needed. He needs to be in your heart hearing your feelings good and bad. He will handle the pain, because he knows when you share the good he will be able to trust it.

Don't you see, he is waiting for you to let him help you. Open up to him and you will see huge changes in yourself and you will see huge changes in him. Trust him Cleo. He has earned it. He has endured, and he can handle the pain, what you also need to allow him to experience is the victories and he won't if you don't let him in.

Talk to him. What are you afraid of? That he might find out you had an affair? That you doubt your love for him? That you are not perfect? That you have thoughts in your head that are not PC? Geeze Cleo, he knows all of that. He needs to see you for who you are, it is a far better picture than you think.

You will be helping him Cleo, and it will allow him to help you. Please recall that marriage is a TEAM sport. Become part of his team by talking to him, communicating with him, asking him about what he feels,what he thinks. Learn to turn these discussions into a "sharing" experience, rather than an adversarial experience.

God Bless,

JL

Please help me! I posted a question under "please tell me how . . ."

Cleogirl . . . I'm not numb anymore. It hurts so much! I had an affair & I am having a really hard time fixting things!

Justlearning . . . help!

Hello Dinorella.......I'm a little confused with what you are wanting.......what are you having a hard time fixing? Your relationship with the H?
Tell me more where your at.......I'm having a hard time fixing myself.......
cleogirl

Hello JL.....once again thank you for your comments.......I hear everything that you are saying........implementing them is antoher story.......I don't know who I am anymore.......this is whats making my recovery and my H's so hard........He is very patient.....but I know he wants this behind us.....so we can get on with it......can this be forced??????Sometimes I really can't get a grip on what's in my head......hard to share with H when I can't even share with myself........I am trying.......and it's helpful to me to read others posts.........
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving
Cleo

Cleogirl,

I feel like I have gone as far as I can in fixing me. I have fully confessed to several people. I have accountability. I am totally out of the affair, including in my thoughts. My husband doesn't trust me . . . I can completely understand that. It has been 13months. The words he uses are so sharp . . . I am not an adulterous woman! I committed adultery, and it is completely over!

I want our marriage to move ahead. This was initially a huge step backward--no duh. We've made forward progress, but tension brings us right back to that point in time. When does the real forward progress begin?

Cleo,

You are confused?? PERFECT! Seriously this is perfect, that means that your H has a big chance, BUT you must let him. You don't know what to tell him? Then go to him and tell him you need to have him listen, that what you are going to say will make no sense to him, because it makes no sense to you. HOWEVER, you need him to listen to you and when you are done talking you need his help. You need his thoughts, his feelings, his guidance.

Then warn him that some of what you say might hurt, but it is not being said to hurt him, but to let him know what/who he is dealing with. You feel you owe him this honesty. Finally before you start, state you goals to him. Allow me to offer a few for consideration.

1. You want to be married to him.
2. You want to be HAPPILY married to him.
3. You want him to be HAPPILY married to you.
4. You want him to understand and help you when you start to feel you are losing direction.
5. You want to help him heal from what you did.

If those goals are something like that are what you think tell him, and THEN START TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT YOUR CONFUSION, YOUR FEELINGS.

What you may not understand is that by stating your goals, you help set his mind into a different mode. He won't be in a defensive mode, he will be in a problem solving mode. In the problem solving mode men can handle pain much better, AND they listen much better. Trust me on this.

When you are done, hug him, kiss him, and thank him. Show him the respect he is do, even if you cannot show him the love he would like from you.

Cleo, your H is your strongest ally in this. Finally, when you do this a few times, and it will take practice, you will see your H change. You will be teaching him how to open up, and that it can be safe as well.

Girl, you are almost there. How do I know? You are confused but you are trying and so is your H. Set the stage, and then open up and lay out your confused thinking, and ask for his help. I think you will get more than you expected. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Have a good Thanksgiving as well.

God Bless,

JL

Hello Dinorella, I guess I am lucky in the fact that my H has forgive me totally......and this is helping in our recover......my biggest obstacle is forgiving myself.......Sounds like your H hasn't forgiven you......I can see where that would make recover very difficult......are you honest and open to your H about your feelings.......Whether painful or not......Are you ok with ending the affair?It is hard to move on after a life changing event such as the one that we have been through........have you forgiven yourself? Let me know more about where your at.......look forward to hearing from you again
cleogirl.....

JL......Hope you had a nice holiday.......I had a wonderful time......my husband and I both did......we made up for the terrible memories of last Thanksgiving.......I can't tell you how hard he is trying to move us forward.......I too feel that I am.....but the OM has not left my head......and it's not even that I want to be with him......I ran into him again last Tuesday by accident.....feel as though I am being tested. I feel that I am letting my husband in as much as I am capable of right now.......I think he understands.......I did tell him that I saw the OM again and he was glad that I did......makes me feel good to tell him too......freeing I guess...
I will keep you posted......thank you again for your help......by the way I let my husband read your replies to me, I think they help him as well.......
cleogirl