Well I guess I don't know what to say but I found out I was pregnant post D-day and today when in for a sonogram and still no heartbeat so I have surgery scheduled for this Thursday. Part of me is relieved but part sad. I am almost afraid that part of the reason my WS decided to come home to work things out is becuase I was pregnant and now I don't have that either. He states that is not true and I will try to believe but it is a bit scary.

We have been trying to work things out but I guess I am just not happy with anything he does or doesn't do. My neighbors got me a card that was really sweet and made me feel better, but why couldn't my own husband do that? I guess I am having a problem seeing anything positive now, but you would think something along those lines would be expected right?

I guess I need to accept him the way he is and work on that and not try to change him but I have seen so many sides, so cold and unemotional and sooooo unsensitive I just don't understand.

Where do I go from here. I think that the OW and I have had our peace, we had a civilized discussion, or rather e-mails back and forth and she confirmed the affair was purely emotional. Then she proceeded to give me advice on how to work out my marriage. Wasn't that sweet.

Oh well, I just needed someone to talk to or listen rather I don't know.

My husband asked me to stop hounding him or having confruntations (sp?) every night and I know he is right but I just feel like I am trying to make all the effort and he has admitted he has not really tried but he states it is hard to when I am always finding something wrong. I can see his point for once. But I just don't want to get in the same rut as before and I am afraid if I don't address what I am unhappy about then he won't change it.

I guess I am rambling...let me know if you all have any suggestions on how to deal with this, or maybe I just need to take a break and not deal at all. I don't mean give up but just give me or us a break for a little while.

Oh sweet, I am so sorry. You are going through a terrible time - I just can't believe it. I'm very, very sorry. Right now you need to take care of yourself. You have been through too much. Do you think you can ask doctor for some anti-depressants? I really don't think men can sympathize with what it feels like for a woman to lose a baby. I had a miscarriage 22 years ago and I was devastated - my ex-H went out with his friends the next day and completely left me alone in my pain - he just thought it was over, why worry about it. Right now take care of YOU. But you are right, time for some changes - but first you need to heal. Please keep posting here and know that many of us are with you in spirit. God bless you.

Sweet - How are you doing? Are you okay?

Sweet - How are you doing today? Will be thinking about you tomorrow. Hugs from California.

Hugs for you {{{{{sweet}}}}}

What a traumatic time for you <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> , and on top of everything else. I'm so sorry about your loss; I DO know how that feels. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It's really important that you NOT repress your feelings about this. If your H won't really talk or listen to you (as much as YOU need), is there someone else who can lend a shoulder to cry/vent on?

Bless your heart. Please know that we care and are praying for you. Take your grief and pain to God's arms, Sweet. He totally understands, and He's really good with broken hearts.

Lori

I am I crazy or what but wouldn't you think that you spouse would try to do something for you, a card, a note, etc He never even asked me how I felt his response was "oh" and then did ask how the doctor knew for sure.

You would think admist everything he would be some of his emotional void on hold and be somewhat of a husband, he didn't even come home last night when I told him and give me a hug and I had to ask for a kiss like hello dear, how was you day b.s. and stuff....

New info, my WS swears over Thanksgiving week he only spoke to the OW three times, twice she called him and once he called her back...well the cell phone detail came out today and guess what over 6 outbound calls to her and I can't see who is calling inbound. Do they ever stop lying. And he says he "doesn't recall" speaking with her. BULL SH#T.

Oh well I am becoming numb. Same old same old. Day in and day out. Whatever. That is my new line for everything. Whatever.

I think I am going to file for divorce after the first of the year. That is when my legal plan from work goes into effect.

I think his lack of emotion with this whole miscarriage thing was the last straw. I know part of him is relieved and even part of me is but it still hurts. My neighbors give me more support and love than my husband does.

Well here goes..Saturday is my birthday, that should be fun

Countdown to eligible filing for the big D: 23 days.

Hi sweet,

I too am sorry for your loss. It is bad enough having to deal with that but then not having the person you trusted most in the world there to help you emotionally because they have VACATED THE BUILDING! They are like the walking dead these WS's. Like in the SAA book,you have fallen into a pit and they look down at you from above and instead of throwing a rope they throw stones.

I don't however, understand the correspondance to the OW.What is that all about? You don't owe her an ounce of breath not to mention ANY peace.That OW deserves to have her nights filled with nightmares just as we all have to suffer,especailly since she is still in contact with YOUR H.

The lack of emotion and any understanding on WH part is because he is still in contact with OW and she has heart in her purse.

Have you done a Plan B yet before considering the D? Sorry,I don't know your whole story.That could be your break from it all.

Make sure you surround yourself with loving family and friends on your birthday.If your H shows any interest great,if not,then his loss.

O

Sweet- This is all so sad to read about. I'm thinking about you and praying you will get some comfort. I just don't know about your H - he is really in denial or something. Hang in there.

Thank you all so much for your replies...They really help...I am really nervous about tomorrow, I guess nobody likes to go under general anesthisia (sp?) plus I have the flu and at pre-op today they said if my fever got any higher they couldn't do the DnC. Great, put it off longer...

On a positive note I passed out today from about 6 to 9:30 and H didn't complain, I guess he couldn't when he walked in and said I feel hot, no sh*it sherlock, I have the flu. Men are so observant some times.

As far a going to plan B I don't mean to sound corny but I don't know if I have the strength for it. Part of me doesn't want to try anymore. He is hiding everything from me, he opened his own personal checking account and now gets his statments e-mailed to him at work. Fortunately for him you can remotely check the work e-mail from home, or is that fortunate for me..I am becoming a pretty good hack. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Anyways no more response on the calls, but it stinks to have to wait till Jan 4th for the cell phone detail to come out again.

By the way did I mention my in laws hate me too. I am a horrible spouse and they just want him to stay away from me.

Also honestly reply to this, even if I wanted to do plan B we would lose the house if everything worked out. We both have different jobs then when we bought the house and although we like our jobs much better they do pay less, less bonus for me but if he leaves for a seperation we can't afford the house and I don't want to do that. That may sound horrible but this is our first home and I love my daughter room and all the rooms and we, well I have put soo much work into it. Plus I have no family nearby and my neighbors across the street are out, or rather my best friends. I don't know what I would do without them, they are even taking our baby to daycare tomorrow since we have to leave at six am and daycare isn't even open yet. I don't want to leave...but I don't want to stay either.

Sweet

I am sorry about the baby!! Give yourself time to grieve and heal from the loss of the baby. Your emotions and hormones will swing wildly. Try NOT to make important decisions just now.

Beau

Sweet - What a horrible way to be feeling. I will be thinking about you tomorrow. I really think your marriage can make it. Your H is so much in the fog - he is not himself. As for your in-laws, I don't always agree with what my daughters-in-law do, but I love each of them for being my grandchild's mom. There is nothing they could do to change my feelings, and I will always feel that way, no matter what happens in their marriage. Your inlaws need to learn what is important in life. That may be part of the problem of why your H is avoiding intimacy if he came from this kind of environment. Good luck, we're all thinking of you.

Sweet, <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I hope the surgery went ok. I have been through many miscarriages and know the heartache only too well. Hug your little baby lots and lots, and put your emotional currency into her right now.

As for your H's reaction, here's what happened in my case...my H not understanding how I felt lead to lots of problems in our M, serious emotional distance (on my part really) but then it turned into no sex life at all...and we weren't even coping (yet) with what you are going through now, although this year we did (his A, now over).

From personal experience:

1. He may be feeling lots more than you think he is. He may even be feeling lots more than HE thinks he is. That's just the way things work when you stuff emotions into a little box hidden way deep inside you.

2. Given everything (A + loss), I just don't think he'll be there for you in the way you need. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

So is there anyone who can be? Long distance, here at MB, e-mail? Use any and all emotional resources so that you don't feel the vacuum he's leaving you in so intensely...

3. Do you feel you can take an emotional break from the intensity of situation with H? Can you perhaps physically take a short break from H? Either/both would give you a respite that you definitely need.

Whatever the case, don't make any major decisions for a long while. Please. You are dealing with multiple levels of grieving right now and this is simply not a good basis for making decisions.

And don't Plan B or initiate D...you don't need to face the loss of your home on top of everything else. Time enough to Plan B if you decide later on that's what you need to do.

You may feel like you're ok but...think of your future and that of your daughter. You want to be SURE that you made the right decision for the right reasons in future. H will always be the father of your child so he will always be a part of your life. You are going to be exchanging one headache for a different one, it won't really be any better for some time to come. The relief you seem to be expressing at the thought of initiating D is likely to be short-lived if it was a decision rashly made at a time of intense emotional impact.

That's why if you can hang in there a while longer...just give YOURSELF as much as you can, and don't think about H at all if possible. Put him and the whole mess on the back burner.

Gosh...I am seldom at a loss for words but I am almost stammering at the keyboard here. I know how you feel, on both fronts, but not together. I wish I could come over right now and take you away for a completely coddling weekend! Full of distractions and pampering because that is exactly what is required right now.

Please, please be good to yourself. Good to yourself includes not doing ANYTHING emotionally heavy for a while.

You can't control him or what he'll do. Expect the worst...maybe that way, even little things can be positive! Just don't dwell on the card/support stuff...yeah, he should, and no he's not likely to... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ...the crappy crappy fog + this just seems to be the way a lot of men seem to process the loss of an unborn baby...it's very common. And even though I read that this reaction was typical for the H (even if he wasn't having an A!) it still didn't help me much at the time -- I was very resentful that my H didn't process loss in the same way I did.

If it helps to read this, many years later I discovered that my H did experience the loss very intensely, but just didn't show it. He was scared/embarassed to show it. Thought it was more helpful to me to be stiff-upper-lip guy, let's-move-on fellow...that this was his way to support me in the loss, help me move beyond it. A shared night of crying would have helped me a lot more! And we finally did that, albeit years later.

take excellent care of yourself...awed

Awed - Good advice.

Sweet - Hope everything went as well as could be expected today. I was thinking about you. Hang in there and take awed's advice. Hugs to you.

Well last night my husband came and got his stuff with a police escort. He was again arrested for domestic violence on Wednesday and the court has ordered no contact. I tried to sign an affadivit and get the no contact lifted and they denied if for my protection I guess. He is not a violent person he just likes to call the cops and it keeps backfiring on him. So today is my birthday and the police officer said he could call me especially considering our daughter and he could see her arranged through a third party and he has not called me back. I told him he needed to take her and spend some time with her go to the park of something but I have heard nothing.

The other woman was kind enough to post 10,000 bond for my husband with the 1k premium paid byher and my in laws overnighting it to her. Have I mentioned my in laws hate me. I guess they hope she is the answer to me.

This is really hard, all I want to do is cry and sleep. The worst part is I love my husband and I miss him and I want him back. He doesn't want any of those things. The nights are so hard once the baby goes to sleep. I went to the mall today and there are so many couples, I was so afraid I would see them together; although he says he has no more romantic feelings for her. It is too easy for him now, legally he can't see me and she is obviously more than willing to meet his needs so I will be forgetten and alone and I don't know if I can do this. How does anyone get through this?

How do I stop crying, I have no family near me and I am so tired of being alone.....

Sweet - Happy Birthday. Bless you and your little girl. I think you need to stay away from your H for awhile and take care of yourself. He has treated you very shabbily. Can you get some anti-depressants? You might need them for awhile - this is too many losses.

And what is up with your H? Why does he keep calling the cops? And why couldn't he wait until your surgery and birthday were over? It's just unbelievable.

Now is the time to take care of yourself. Keep reading here and posting. We will help you get through this.