My WS came home about 4 weeks ago after a 5 week stay in a hotel to "find herself". Durring these past few weeks, she has been very much like her oldself. While I was out of town on business, the OM came to my home and mistakenly left his shoes behind. Needless to say, upon discovery of these today, my WS told me the truth and said he came over to talk.

We had a long, nonhostile talk in which she said that she came home b/c this is where she wants to be. She went on to say that it is myself with whom she wants to grow old with and be the father of her children.

She went Christmas shopping and when she returned she said that she was going back to the hotel to avoid hurting me and allowing herself to have her cake and eat it too.

But.......here's the kicker. She said that he fights with her and treats her very badly. She also said that she needs to prove to him that her being out of the house doesn't change the fact that her heart is here with me. Over the past year, the OM (who she works with) won't back down and continues to push her and try and persuade her to leave our family. On the ohter hand, my WS say she can't stop talking to him. Ultimately, she claims that her leaving is to get rid of him completely and hope and pray that I will take her back.

This makes NO sense to me. Why does she feel she has to go this route to get rid of him? Please help.

Hello:

I sorry but I do not understand. She leave your home and stays in a hotel and continues to fight with the OM. She comes back to you and when you are on a business trip you return and find the OM had left his shoes at your home? She then confesses he came over to "talk"? Why did he leave his shoes? She needs to leave you again to prove to him that her heart is with you?
You have got to be kidding me. There is an old saying "no consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change." She leaves you and you let her return and she repays you by having the OM come over your home and "leaves his shoes at your place". She shows disdain for your home and your marriage.
My friend she sounds like a perfect cakewoman. She enjoys being married to you and having a lover on the side. After all this it is inexcusable she would invite the OM over to your home to spend the night when you are gone. Her actions indicate that she has very little respect for you, your feelings or your marriage. Allowing her to play this games with you without boundaries or consequences is simply enabling her to continue this disrespect toward you. If you do not have respect for yourself then why should she?
When she realizes there will be consequences to her actions and that you are serious you have no intention of accepting this behavior it may be a wake up call to her.
It sounds like she wants to keep you as a backup in case her fling with the OM does not work out. Judge a person by their actions and not by their words. It really seems like she is playing you.
What do you think her reactions would be if the roles were reversed? I am afraid you may be in denail. I wish you luck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bryanp:

<strong>"Judge a person by their actions and not by their words."</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wholeheartedly agree with BryanP. Words are cheap and hollow if they are not backuped by actions. Her assertion of leaving you again in order to get the OM completely out of her system is ludicrous at best. I would advice you to seriously consider Plan B otherwise your prolonged exposure to her waffling will take its toll on the love you have for her to the point of eventually killing it for good. If that happens, you will become deadset on divorce even if she is willing to do everything to rebuild the marriage.

Looks like its time for a job change. As long as the OM is in her face at work, things will be screwwy.

There must be a consequence to her continuing to have contact with OM.

Make a plan, A or B, and stick to it.Make a job change for her part of the plan.

Read through this: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%. If your spouse is NOT willing to work on your marriage, is denying involvement in an affair despite the evidence, and/or is continuing an affair, read What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Basic Concepts" links below. In that case, you need to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counselor (see item #2, below). There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls. Your situation is harder, but your chances of saving your marriage and actually making it better than before are still good. But, whether your spouse is "on board" or not, you should do three things:

1.) Learn. The most important and helpful single source of information for my wife and I was “Surviving an Affair” by Willard Harley (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore, Amazon.com, and bookstores all over. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them. So that you can get started right away, while waiting for SAA to arrive in the mail, read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Of course, that is just my opinions and what worked for me, who experienced it once, first hand. Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link: How to Survive Infidelity You will find that I mostly followed his plan. It works. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Your wife is playing mindgames with you. Her actions show that she has no intention of discontinuing the affair. When she sees that you will no longer be there for her as a safety net than she might start coming out of her fog. It is time you took a stand and made it known to her that you have had enough of this bs. Tell her that you want to have a meeting to start separating household furniture etc and to arrange visitation schedule for the children as part of the process to dissolve the marriage. I gurarantee that will get her attention that you have reached the point of no return.

Thanks for the all the feedback. As part of our conversation yesterday, I made it clear that I will not continue to live in this limbo stage. I did this in a manner in which I didn't raise my voice but clearly communicated in a fashion where she knows that I am both serious and upset.

I have read SAA and my WS is in some heavy fog. I truly believe that at time she has peaked through this fog but I know he is dragging her right back in. I have had multiple encounters with him and have to say that my blood boils and I want to rearrange his face. However, I know he is not worth it and I am the better man. Any man who insists on getting in the way of a marriage and friendship is destined to get it in the end.

As much as I want to reach out to her, I know that I have to wait for her to come to me. And when she does, she has to do so by committing herself to our marriage and doing whatever it takes to rebuild that. I do think that this EA will end a natural death, but their is deep emotiional pain on my end, particularly around the holiday season.

I try to go about living my life, but it is hard with this in the back of my head. I love my wife and still believe that we can successfully rebuild our relationship. I've known my wife for roughly a decade and know her mannerisms. I really do still think she expressed with extreme sincerity her desire of an "us" in the future.