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Thanks for your replies on the other thread.

I will go back and answer them later on tonight or tomorrow, very busy tonight!

Here's my very good news:
ExH emailed me and said he couldn't go out last night, but how 'bout Monday. (Weekend he has boys) I didn't check email til early today. However, last night I ran into him (the second time in three years) at a local business. I was out just after he sent the email that I hadn't read, and by coincidence, there he was at the store. He was a few people behind me in line, so I said 'hi'. I then waited outside to talk to him. He didn't ask me to wait, but that's fine. During our conversation I brought up the email , and he invited me out for Monday dinner.

This is all very good progress!! It was 1 1/2 years ago when he first asked me out, and changed his mind. It's been three months since he first mentioned dinner out again. It's been five months since he mentioned baby steps- there were some in the summer, and then nothing for months. I'm glad I called and 'confronted' him on Sunday. I guess it did get the wheels turning, shook things up a bit. You were all right about that!

Over three years after separating, things are looking good.

Thanks for bearing with my happiness/sadness. I know some of you have told me I 'swing from up to down', but I think that's natural in a situation like this. I'm an emotional person, but I keep it hidden much of the time. I certainly don't show it to the 'real' world, this is my place to vent. Thanks for listening.

I truly had rather 'given up' a few months ago, mentally, and now this. Very nice changes!

If you're struggling with your estranged spouse, be patient and hang in there.

God bless,
HP

<small>[ December 24, 2003, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: hopeful_person ]</small>

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HP

Great news. Other people have commented that when you "let go and move on" with your life you become attractive once again to the OP. I hope this is what you are beginning to see.

Beau

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Could your swings from up to down correlate to whether you are acting out of the stance of being a Giver or Taker?

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Happy Christmas H_P

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pep

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H_P
Great to hear your news. I hope the new year brings nothing but happiness and new beginnings for you. Hey, guess what! My ex is getting married to OW in Jan. But all is well and I am great. Take care.

Sharon

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HP

Could you perhaps maybe pretty please email me your X's email addy or perhaps phone? I would like to request he MOVE THE DATE UP TO SUNDAY!! THE SUSPENSE HERE IS KILLING ME!

Best of luck HP.

M.

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Thanks for your replies. We'll be going out in a few hours. Hard to believe, and I'm very excited but also very guarded too as I have such high hopes.

Beau,
You're right. It seemed to help that I'd let go and moved on a bit. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

UnderConstruction,
Thanks for your take. Actually I think the mood swings have to do with the fact that I had an A, and ruined my life as I knew it. I have such hopes of rebuilding, and at times it seems like it's going to happen, and at other times it hasn't. Thus the mood swings.

Thanks Pepper!

Yes, it is a merry Christmas!

Sharon,
Interesting to hear that your exH is getting married again.I'm glad that you're doing well and have learned to live a new life without him. I'm proud of you! Thanks for your inspiration.


Mortimer,
Thanks for the reply. Yes, wish it had been yesterday but then it's worth the wait! More later on tonight!


Luke Parrish,
Don't give up. Two months isn't long. EXh and I split up over three years ago. I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't know. My exH filed, not me. I did sign it all, although I told him I didn't want to do so.

There is always hope...unless she's remarried. (your wife) Redhat gave me that advice, and I appreciated it much!

God bless, and more later to all of you!

HP

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H_P,

Hope you have a good time, but no matter what happens this is a step toward your future. Don't be down if this is NOT perfect. It will take a LOT of practice for you two to be together and comfortable with one another again. A lot more practice than I think you may realize.

But, you and your exH have my fondest wishes that this is a good night for both of you, and the first of many in your future.

God Bless,

JL

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Dear H-P:

I have been praying you would find the happiness you deserve and were looking for. I was overjoyed to hear the news of your ex.

Take it slow but lead. Be consistant and caring. I think there is great love between you two as well as the fear. I believe you two can make.

God bless you and your family.

Jack

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well.........????

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tap....tap....tap....tap......We want details, HP!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

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I think details would be fun, but mostly I would like to know that you are OK. No matter what happened, I want to know how you are doing.

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Hope.
All of us here want to know how your date with your X went.
We are anxious to hear from you, dear.
Love, Julie Jo <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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Hi Everyone,
Thanks for your replies. It means a lot to me that so many people are pulling for this to work out. Thanks too for your prayers!

It went very well. Let me explain. HP has the romantic, silly side that thought it might be great to have him sweep me away, ravish me, and undo all the past. That, of course, is the romantic, unrealistic way to even think. NOt happening!

The evening went very well. We talked comfortably the entire time. He drove us to a place we used to go as a couple and as a family. He asked if it would be okay, and of course I said it would be fine. We were at the restaurant for about 2 hours. At first while we waited to be seated I could sense intense uncomfortable feelings, but then it all seemed fine as the evening progressed. We talked all during dinner and afterwards. No relationship, future talk..just talk about our lives, kids, friends, and families. He complained once about not having a certain type of insurance anymore. I wanted to say, "Well, if we were together, you'd have it..." but of course I did no selling like that, so to speak. I just said nothing about any future plans. There is time for that later.

I did see gleams of something in his eyes from time to time, and he seemed genuinely interested in our conversation. It truly was lovely!

He drove me directly to my house after dinner. Part of me wanted to ask him if he wanted to go to Starbucks for a coffee, but I didn't do it as again I'm so afraid of being controlling. As he pulled into my driveway I invited him in for coffee, and he agreed! Our sons came out and sat with us. They mainly talked while I listened and chimed in once in a while.

By the way, our children are elated at all of this. THey are so very happy, you can tell they have high hopes.

As he left rather hastily I asked him about Christmas and/or Christmas Eve. He said he'd come over Christmas Eve! My family will all be here Christmas DAy, and he wasn't ready for that. He still sees my brother and his wife, so I believe it's my parents he's not comfortable with at all yet. But, This is so wonderful that he's coming Christmas Eve! Last year I was alone on Christmas Eve. Last year he didn't even wave or say a word to me on Christmas Eve. What a change! Now we'll all be together, and it will put more love deposits in his bank. I asked him what he would like to me to cook, and he said anything was fine. The entire evening together was just over three hours! Pretty good, really..considering everything that's happened.

He basically ran out the door at that point, and I yelled a thank you, and that I had fun. I asked him (hit me if you want) if he had a nice time. He said, "It was fine."

My closest girlfriend called me later that evening. I told her that exH was merely getting his feet wet,dipping his toes in the water, but that was fine. She said wisely, "Look, he's in the pool." I said, "Okay, but he's only in the shallow end, or actually just sitting on the top step." She said, "Quit complaining!! A few months ago he wasn't even on the street! Should I come hit you? (in jest, of course)" How right she is. I've been waiting for this for so long, I want to dive in full speed. I realize though, and you have all told me, that it won't happen that way and perhaps that's a good thing.

After the evening ended and I'd talked with my girlfriend I lied down in bed and read "His needs, Her needs" and fell asleep. I didn't have the energy to even come here. Forgive me if you were waiting for a report.

JL,
You're so right. This will take some practice. I do feel though that some very good 'love deposits' are beginning to go into exH's bank. I hope so.

I only touched the man once all night, on the shoulder. I sense he is very guarded and doesn't want to be touched still. As I said, he literally ran out the door. I would have had to chase him down. NOt going to do that!

Thanks for your kind words and help. AS you've always said, JL, Patience and Time! You've been so right.


Will Make it Work,
Thanks for your words, too. I like what you said, "Take it slow but lead." I will do that, but am a bit afraid to lead too much. That's the kind of personality I have, a leader type, but I don't want to scare him away. He's a leader too at his job, anyway, but more of a quiet/passive one than me. A dear friend of mine at work told me that I needed to be submissive, as it says in the Bible, without being a pushover. I know many would disagree with this opinion, but I think it's of paramount importance here. I have to lead in a way where he doesn't quite realize it. By inviting him over on Christmas Eve I was leading, but not in an overly aggressive way.

Pepper
Melodylane,
Thanks for your inquiries! You've both been Godsends. Thanks for that. So far, so good..is what I say. This man isn't an easy one to convince to do/think anything! Besides, I don't want to have to convince him to love/want me. It must be natural, and real.

Still Seeking,
Thanks for your inquiry, too. All is well. As I mentioned earlier I have a side of me that wants a fireworks sort of reunion NOW, but I have to be realistic. My overly emotional side is what in part got me into trouble in the first place. I have to be grown up here, and realize that this man and I haven't been together under one roof in over three years. Physically as a couple it's been almost five years. That's a long time.

Thanks again for your help and support. This truly is one of my best Chrismases ever. Probably the best, as I'm seeing firsthand the gift of forgiveness,long enduring unspoken love, and healing.

Take care and please give me your thoughts,
HP

<small>[ December 23, 2003, 12:33 PM: Message edited by: hopeful_person ]</small>

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YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
(I didn't know until this post that there's a maximum number of images in MB posts. Just imagine another ten or fifteen smileys in this space...)

<small>[ December 23, 2003, 01:13 PM: Message edited by: Just J ]</small>

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Dear Hopeful.
We are glad to hear from you and of your very pleasant evening.

I am new to this message board and didn't know your story...You had just posted that you had the affair. (I assumed your husband was the WS.)

So I typed your name in 'search' and found your first message.
With your permission, I will post it here.
(I will delete it if you ask me to, however, it is the same sweet repentent words with sincere love for your husband, that you have always shared here with us at this message board.)
Love and caring, Julie Jo

"hopeful_person
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posted September 22, 2002 12:15 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi All,

I have been reading here on MB for awhile, and I just registered to post yesterday.

I will tell my story in a nutshell. I began a long distance A almost FOUR years ago, and my H and I separated almost TWO years ago. (I was deeply in a fog) He found out about the A four months after separation, and he filed for D five months later. DUring this time I carried on with the A,(he visited the area weekly) and yet I would still occasionally ask the H if he wanted to reconcile. I just knew deep down that the A was no good, nor was the OM, but I must admit I was completely confused. This whole time, I did feel I loved my H. Very odd, until I have read here that this is common. The 'fog' thing totally hits home.

The OM relocated to live near me about a year ago. (leaving a family, sadly) The relationship with the OM began to slowly really fall apart, but I stayed with OM (he had his own place in this area) until July. After God leading me here in the spring, I read more about A's and the dynamics. I could relate completely. The OM , on top of it, was emotionally quite abusive, and I really felt caught in a sick web. I think I tried to make it work with the OM for so long just to justify having left the marriage.

I broke up with the OM in July, and he moved back where he came from. There's been no contact now in 7 weeks.(The last time he called, in early August, I hung up on him for the third time) He has respected my decision, and hasn't called again---and I blocked his email address, too. Because the relationship with the OM had gone on so long, I think the withdrawal wasn't as bad in some ways. That is to say, he'd been lying to me before I left him, so any 'visions' of him being a perfect, romantic partner were gone completely. Reality had firmly set in! Nonetheless, leaving him was still one of the hardest things I 've done, although it was truly one of the best things I've ever done.

Anyway, my divorce was final, ironically, about 4 days after the OM moved back to his own area. All this time, since spring--even before I left the OM, I would ask my H if he would consider reconciliation. He would always say, "Not now, maybe in time, but I guarantee nothing."

My now ExH has always been quiet, and not one to show his feelings. Once in August he agreed to counseling, but a few weeks later he said he wasn't ready, and needed his space. I asked him if he received the few cards I'd mailed him, and
he said 'yes, but they make me feel pressured.'

The other evening we went to a school event, meeting there--in regards to one of our three kids. We had lots of time to talk, and it was truly one of the nicest times I'd had in years. I don't know how he felt, but he looked relaxed and happy. I felt like I was 'at home', just sitting with him. I am respecting his need for space, and not saying anything or writing anything to him about 'us'.

I dream of being with him again almost nightly. Last night's dream was of a reconciliation, and was of course for me beautiful. I then wake up, and realize I 've created a horrible nightmare. He's gone, and we were married close to 21 years.
At times I feel completely beside myself with grief and despair.

Does anyone have any advice? Should I write him a card occasionally...or bring up reconciliation? I did say something directly a few weeks ago about trying again, when he brought the kids home from a weekend with him. He said he felt this was the best for everyone. I told him 'okay',and I said 'thanks for talking'. I refrained from begging or arguing,thank the Lord. Previously I told him I would wait for him, for as long as it would take, until he was ready. WAs that a mistake to say that?

All advice and insight is so needed and appreciated. BTW, as far as I know, he hasn't dated at all--I'm the only woman he's ever had. We've known each other for almost 30 years, and we have three children. We married after knowing each other for 8 years--most of that time as good/best friends, not 'sweethearts'.

Thanks in advance for your help,
Hopeful"

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Thanks for your replies.

Last night exH actually came into the house when he brought our sons back from an activity. He only stayed about 15 minutes, but just him coming in the house is different. I offered him a traditional holiday drink we have in my family, but he passed on it.

Our children had voted for three different entrees tonight, so exH was the deciding vote last night on what we would eat! As I mentioned before , the kids are very happy about these latest steps in progress towards a future with their parents together again.

On a side note, I'm rather amazed at the negative attitudes of some . I've noticed that the two people (one a coworker and one a family member) who seem negative about all of this
come from a background of divorce. The coworker is divorced and unhappily remarried to a different man, and the other one is my SIL whose own parents divorced when she was a little girl.

I'm ignoring these two and I clearly don't understand their motivation in being negative. My SIL told me in October that I 'deserve more' than my exH. I don't know why she'd say this. As others have pointed out to me about exH although I already knew it (including people he works with, others in my family, etc.) one couldn't find a nicer, more giving person who's consistently helpful,stable, and kind to everyone. At times I simply have to conclude that some people clearly have a hidden agenda, and don't want others to be too happy. Ironically, SIL who's negative about it is very happily married to my brother. I just don't get this at all. Right after exH and I divorced SIL told me that I wanted exH back only due to rebound effect. My position hasn't wavered in a long, long time. This was never 'rebound'. She also said that if part of a couple has an affair, then there's no point in trying to be married. So I guess this is her point of view, and she doesn't want to change it. (Ironic considering she's 10 years younger than me and has been married for just 7 years- an expert.)
My exH and I have known each other for almost as long as she's been alive. I guess for someone like her, all the success stories on MB are meaningless. She clearly isn't aware of how many marriages survive affairs.

Anyway, enough on that tangent, thanks for letting me vent here!

Just J,
Thanks for your support! It's wonderful to have so many who care.


Blessed Time,
Thanks for your caring and for sharing my first post here. It's fine by me. It was interesting to me too to read it again.

Thanks also for your compliments and kind words.

God bless,
H_P

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HP,

Thank you for always keeping us updated on what is happening. I don't always post when you do, but I am keeping up. I want to know how to pray for you each week.

You're right, you shoould not even give the people that are negitive a second thought. Just inform them that if this kind of thing ever happens to them that they can deal with it whichever way they want. But you are confident in what you are doing and would appreciate their support, not their negitive attitude. They will envy your confidence and wonder what it is that sustains you. Of course you know what that is.

Have a very blessed Christmas HP, you and your family.

S&C (not Santa Clause)

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Thanks, Steadfast and Committed for your kind words. Yes, I ignore the negative people. Hard to understand them, truly it is.

I can't believe that after so long we are spending Christmas Eve together, with our kids. We haven't had a Christmas Eve together since 1999, before we were separated in 2000. The last few years I've been alone.

Time and patience, as JL always said.

The dinner is now made, dessert is made, only salad left to fix. He should arrive in an hour or so.

It's hard to express how happy I feel deep down inside right now. I know it's only a step, but what a difference time has made!

God bless all of you this Christmas Eve,
H_P

<small>[ December 24, 2003, 06:42 PM: Message edited by: hopeful_person ]</small>

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It may be that the negative ones are just worried about your emotional health. They don't know much of what you know, so they think along different lines. I could give some alternate reasons, but I think that one fits best tonight.

It's hard to express how happy I feel deep down inside right now. I know it's only a step, but what a difference time has made!

It's hard to express how happy I am FOR YOU. I bet you understand though, I bet you do.

Continueing to offer support and prayers.

Merry Christmas - may your days indeed be merry and bright.

SS

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