Just wanted to say "good for you". Not for contacting OM. But, for posting what you had done, and then listening to these posters and trying to see it in a new light!
You are very brave!

Julie (blessed)-
thank you so much for your kind reply. I really did have hopes that I could let go of the OM gradually as your husband did. I really did think that I could do it. There are at least 2 reasons that I have come to see why I can't do that, though. *sigh*
1. My husband would be devastated. After reading everyone's thoughts here, and then talking to him last night... I realized that in my husband's mind, every time that I talk to the OM - I am putting the OM first. It is like I am starting it all over again, no matter what my "motives" are. I think that a gradual release can only work if BOTH spouses are willing and able to go that route.
2. I wanted to call the OM more this morning than I have since I sent the NC letter. I thought that I would feel better after calling him yesterday... and I did for the day. Now today, I am battling the withdrawal all over again!! I want to call him desperately, just to hear his voice. *sigh* I really DO need to get him out of my life... out of my system... for good.
I appreciate your kindness, and your sharing your experience! I am so happy to hear that you and your husband have been able to work through your problems together! :-)
SMH

Hi SMH

Glad to hear that you and your H talked. Communication is very important. Always be open and honest, and yep, he needs to be open and honest with you.

When your having desires to call the OM, call your H instead, or post here, but really give you H the first shot. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I comforted Poe when she was still in the fog. Yes it does hurt, but I was also glad to help. I'm sure your H would feel the same. Seek him out when your down, or when your thinking of the OM, seek out his comfort. And, if he is down, hug him also. You know when he is down. (Of course a hug just because you want one is always good) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Poe and I also didn't know how to show our love for each other. Now she knows that I Love her, and I know she Loves me. Its good that you can see your H's Love now.

It does take time to heal, and it can't be rushed.

Are you and your H going to MC? It could help if you find one that believes in saving M's.

You are doing very good, and you are stronger then you think you are.

You'll be in our prayers

Silver

Has it occured to you that your H is the one that needs closure? And you just opened up the whole thing again. Whatever closure he was starting to get, just went out the window. You see NC is for your H as well. It provides "closure" for him to start to heal and hopefully forgive.

wow... nope, I have to admit that I hadn't thought of that. I was so busy thinking of myself (and OM) again, that it didn't occur to me that the NC was for H, too.


The other part is you NOT/NEVER recognizing your H for who he is. Until you do, you will not understand how he shows love, why he does it this way, and why it is important for YOU to see that he is. In short, this life is not BURGER KING, you don't always get it your way, but you do often get it, IF you will simply look.

*stomps foot* But I want it MY way!!!

sorry... just kidding... I know you're right. I've always looked at it that if he loved me, he would find out how I needed to be loved or shown love, and love me that way... but I also need to learn to recognize who HE is and that he's probably been showing me love all along.

Someday, ask your H what he wanted in a marriage. It may open your eyes. My guess? He wants what most men want, yup sex, but much more. He wanted safety. He wanted to come home and KNOW that home was safe for him. It no longer is.
He probably wanted to be able to look back and realize that giving his effort, his fidelity, his love was a smart thing to do, and a good thing. What he feels now is like a prize fool. His marriage will NEVER be one of fidelity and he knows it.
He wanted to be respected and loved even with his faults. Your actions showed that was not the case, including you calling OM without having discussed with him. He now knows that your love and behavior as a W is very conditional, and will fear that if he ever fails again, then you will do the same thing: there goes that safety thing again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
He probably feels like he completely failed, and very very impotent right now. You chose OM over him.

*nods* He has said that he feels like he's walking on eggshells, and he is afraid to get me angry. I admit that at first, the obnoxious attitude of "now I can make him do whatever I want!" passed through my mind... but more recently (even before I called OM) I've realized how sad that is and how difficult it must be for him.

You need to start to consider what your H is dealing with, not just with OM, but with YOU. All of your words don't mean much, and your actions continue to show that you are selfish and he was a fool.

I'm slowly starting to see what he must be thinking. He tries to tell me - but he doesn't have a long history of sharing these things, so he doesn't always express it well. Reading the posts here are helping.

The issue is when will your actions and your words, match the image of a W? They are not so far. I know what you say, but then I read your thought processes and they are about you, and when they are not they are about OM. Don't think your H doesn't see? You are very foolish to think he doesn't.
To some extent this is part of withdrawal, but it is an extremely painful time for the BS, AND it is a time when BS's often just leave. You focusing on your OM, and how he feels, and how you feel about him is pretty short sighted. The man you may lose is your H. OM can be had for a phone call. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Please think about this. It is time for a perspective change.

Yes, JL, it definitely is time for a perspective change. I've been good in the past at putting myself in other people's shoes... but somehow I've forgotten how to (or just not bothered to, maybe?) do that with my H.

I appreciate your insights,
SMH

Lisa-

Thank you.
I am so grateful for the thoughts and experience that have been shared with me by the people here. There was a time when I would have considered it harsh. Now I realize that I needed someone to be honest and tell me exactly what was going on.
Thank you so much for your encouragement. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

SMH

thanks for the insight. But i can add, that the most hurt comes from not being honest. If you do nothing else, always be upfront with your H. It will deposit loads of love units. Even if he don't agree with what you are saying or even doing, being honest about it is so so important. Its the sneeky behind the back that really rips at the heart. good luck.

I have to throw my two cents in here.

I agree 100% with what wokeup wrote, be honest even if you know he will not be happy with it. Your hubby is going through some major stuff right now. More then I think you realize. I know this is no picnic for you either, but I do not think you really get what he is going through. You are BOTH busted up better then two cars in a head on collision on a hiway. Or better put, you were driving a Mac Truck and he was driving a Corola. You both have damage, but one has more to repair then the other.

All is not lost as the damage can with time be repaired.

One of his major repair jobs is trust and it is a big one. You have the only tool to help him with this repair, and that is the honesty tool. Give it to him always and you will be one step closer.

Hypothetically speaking, lets say the OM calls you one day, just to say hi. He says "hi" you say "hi" and that is it. You say to yourself, things have been great at home, why should I ruin it by bringing this up? I will just keep it a secret and no harm done.

Well, now you are starting to lie again. Slippery slope, one can easily lead to another. You can no longer say to yourself post D-Day that you have been honest with your H, and that can not feel good to you, and it is not good for your M. What if, he finds out, what if the OM tells his W, your old friend about it and she tells your H. The conversation was not big deal, but nonetheless you have just dropped his Corola off of a cliff, and maybe it can no longer be repaired.

If you tell him, it will be a set back, but he can then say to himself, at least she told me and that means alot. One step back, two steps forward.

My FWW had the same problems with withdrawal that you have now. She had to call him, and explain stuff. She asked me if she could, and I could not deny her. I hated it, and it was definately a set back for me, but she was straight forward with me and that showed something.

The OM sent her a few love e-mails and my W forwarded them to me, only because she said she would. Again did not like it, and wanted to rip his head off, but she was honest with me, and that did alot for us. She put us above them, and that was huge. Did not see it right away, but did and my little car was that much closer to being repaired.

I write all this only because you are still in withdrawal.

So much hurt, you made a mistake, but it seems to me that you are trying really hard to deal with it, and I get the strong impression that your H is doing the same.

PTM-

I have to throw my two cents in here.

believe me - it's worth much more than 2 cents! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

be honest even if you know he will not be happy with it.

that is sooooo difficult! I'm finding that it's a good thing, though... you're right.

Your hubby is going through some major stuff right now. More then I think you realize. I know this is no picnic for you either, but I do not think you really get what he is going through.

I know that you are right. I'm sure that I don't understand what he's really going through. He's been opening up more and more with his thoughts and feelings... and the intensity is something that I've never heard from him before.

You are BOTH busted up better then two cars in a head on collision on a hiway. Or better put, you were driving a Mac Truck and he was driving a Corola. You both have damage, but one has more to repair then the other.
One of his major repair jobs is trust and it is a big one. You have the only tool to help him with this repair, and that is the honesty tool. Give it to him always and you will be one step closer.

I like that visual. thank you.

Hypothetically speaking, lets say the OM calls you one day, just to say hi. He says "hi" you say "hi" and that is it. You say to yourself, things have been great at home, why should I ruin it by bringing this up? I will just keep it a secret and no harm done.
Well, now you are starting to lie again. Slippery slope, one can easily lead to another. You can no longer say to yourself post D-Day that you have been honest with your H, and that can not feel good to you, and it is not good for your M. What if, he finds out, what if the OM tells his W, your old friend about it and she tells your H. The conversation was not big deal, but nonetheless you have just dropped his Corola off of a cliff, and maybe it can no longer be repaired.
If you tell him, it will be a set back, but he can then say to himself, at least she told me and that means alot. One step back, two steps forward.

*nods* I had to face that dilemma a few days after the NC letter (we didn't talk, but he tried to call my cell phone)... and it took me 24 hrs to tell my H, I must admit. I thought that I could just keep it to myself. I finally realized that I couldn't, though... it was eating me up inside. I needed to be totally honest. I have to give my H lots of credit - he has become very good at not reacting instantly to things like that. He might not always like what I have to say, but he is learning to stop and think and not "fly off the handle" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> as they say.

My FWW had the same problems with withdrawal that you have now. She had to call him, and explain stuff. She asked me if she could, and I could not deny her. I hated it, and it was definately a set back for me, but she was straight forward with me and that showed something.
The OM sent her a few love e-mails and my W forwarded them to me, only because she said she would. Again did not like it, and wanted to rip his head off, but she was honest with me, and that did alot for us. She put us above them, and that was huge. Did not see it right away, but did and my little car was that much closer to being repaired.

thank you for sharing that.

you made a mistake, but it seems to me that you are trying really hard to deal with it, and I get the strong impression that your H is doing the same.

*nods* We are both trying. My H has been trying harder than I have up to this point, I can see that now. I am fixing that, though... I am trying harder... thinking about the things that you and others have shown me... and most importantly, thinking more about my H. What I can do for him... finding out what he's going through and doing what I can to help.

Thank you for sharing your experience and your wisdom. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

SMH

SMH:

" My H has been trying harder than I have up to this point, I can see that now..."

You see that, good! Act Now!

My WW didn't see that, and eventually our recovery stalled. On New Year's I told her I was leaving, and I am searching for an appt I can afford. I plan to be out of here in Feb.

In all honesty, I am pissed and disappointed. My W's A hurt me deeply, yet she really did nothing to make up to me. I did all of the changes, especially after D-Day. At first I felt that I was the lousy H and I "drove" my W to an A. It was all my fault, my failings, and I was bound to improve.

But then I realized that I was unhappy in the M, too. I had plenty of unfulfilled ENs. But, I didn't go out of the M to get them filled.

I also reflected on why I didn't bring up my unhappiness. Then I recalled that I had tried, but I was met with a emotional closure and invalidation. When I said I was unhappy, I was told that either I was wrong and I didn't know what I was feeling, or that I had no right to be unhappy and therefore my unhappiness was not valid.

The emotional closure came up whenever she'd say to me, "Well what do you want me to say?" I didn't *want* her to say anything specific; only what was in her heart. Open up to me.

So, in the end, I reached the end. Maybe it's my failing, but I only had so much patience. The biggest thing was realizing that I am not getting any younger, and if I want an intimate relationship and my wife does not, I have to move on. Otherwise it is a unilateral process.

My point in this is: put the effort. Don't take it for granted that your H will have to make all the changes. Don't take his capacity to forgive as infinite.

Keep it in your mind that you wronged him; in fact I would go so far as to say you emotionally abused him. You have to make amends for that. You are obliged as the perpetrator to make this to the victim. You damaged him; it is your moral obligation to help him heal.

Listen to him. If you feel he shouldn't be thinking certain things or feeling certain emotions, say nothing. Validate his betrayal.

Last summer, our community was beset with a series of random acts of vandalism. Cars were keyed, tires slashed and a couple of rear windows smashed (mine included). The police found the culprits; they were a bunch of kids from "good" families, so one can't use the claim of neglect or abuse. The victims in fact had done absolutely nothing to these kids to warrant these acts. In fact, at youth court the kids admitted they didn't even know the people who's property they were damaging.

But what really struck me was the total lack or remorse the kids and their parents displayed. In fact, they couldn't understand why we (th victims) were so pissed. After all, no one got hurt and we all have insurance - what's the harm?

I did nothing to these kids to deserve getting my window smashed, but it cost me $250.00 (deductible), the loss of the car for 2 days, and my insurance company then boosted my rates because I live in a "risky"neighbourhood - $90.00 a year!

Of course the kids and the parents are vehemently denying they should be covering those costs. One father even said to me, "Hey, it's not my son's fault you left your under-insured car out!"

What an @sshole.

I am using this to illustrate that sometimes perpetrators are unaware of the damage they cause. Don't be like these punks (or their sociopathic parents); own up and take charge for the consequences of your actions.