ISgirl...Are in Plan B ???...I thought plan B is supposed to be all dark??? You still contact him by posting in his thread and i don't think that is plan B. You have been in plan B longer than me but has it been a very very solid plan B??? As i have learn from MB it is supposed to be a very solid plan B or total darkness. I could not even say thank you to WH for the valentine gifts he sent...the folks here told me it is against the rule of plan B. I know you are desperate. I am too.


Lostbird...i have nothing else to say to you. Your undecisiveness...has cause your wife to suffer...the loneliness, the hopelessness, the desperation, the emptiness, the mental anguish, the emotional rollercoaster and despair. Just make a stand...if you choose wife then go back home...if you choose OW then go to the lawyer office and file for divorce!! Even a small kid can decide whether he wants a chocolate or vanilla ice cream if he is given a choice.

Ark, Zizzy, No2, and others:

Just a quick update. I entered IC and have been diagnosed with depression which does not surprise me. I am taking medication and will continue counseling for as long as it takes. I will follow the same path with reading and posting here on MB. It has given me a lot of good information and insight. Ark, you were right -- you wrote in an earlier post that I probably had some serious problems. Perhaps IC was the second positive step I've taken lately -- the first when I posted here. Will certainly keep you posted.

Lostbird -

Good to see you posting again. If you are depressed, anti-D's will help. Hope you will stick with us.

Since I last posted to you, I have completely given up on my marriage. I am done. I hope that will not happen to you and your wife.

Believer:
Thank you for staying in touch, but I am so sorry to learn about your pending divorce. I wish you all the best in the future. Be kind to yourself.

Oh, I'm not going away. Not to worry. I just hope that someday, I will be in a position to help someone -- share an experience or two and make a positive contribution.

All the best and thanks for your support in this.

LB

Lost Bird,

Welcome back, glad to see you posting again.

In the interest of your future and possibly your marriage,would you consider please answering the questions I posted earlier?

I think looking at those options might help you.

Just a quick update. I entered IC and have been diagnosed with depression which does not surprise me. I am taking medication and will continue counseling for as long as it takes.


one action!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
one goal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
one task!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
one motion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
one errand!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
one action <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !!!!!!!

YOU did it...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am proud of you ....
Change is scary...but once you start changing and feel the control it gives back you...

nothing can stop ya...

no wallowing in diagnosis...
no info seeking that bogs and drags you down...

shift the attitude with the new info that now thaty you have the truth nothing can stop ya...

life is good out here lostbird...
in the light.
doing what's right...

I am proud of you...
you took that first leap....

no longer will you ever have to go back to living in that isolation...

very cool...

forward only..

ARK....

LB-

I too battled depression (and the battle still continues). meds will take about a month before they start to kick in. Once they do, you will start tot feel so much better. IC will definately help you tart t to figure thhis out. I only pray that your Wife cann hang on long enough for you to start making progress.

Truthfully, this is EXACTLY where you need to be in order to change this nightmare that you'ree in. Unless you address your inner demons, you may easily just fall back into another A sometime in the future.

Look back into my first posting to you...I suggested that you simply step back and take a break from everyone to get your head together. This step that you took was exactly where I thought you should be...see, you need to look for the answers to that empty hollow feeling that you have. You ran to another woman because she made that go away for a little while. It always comes back though. Something inside is broken and it needs to be fixed. You finally took the scariest step in seeking help fromm a professional.

I am so proud of your courage. I've been there and I know how hard that visit was for you.

Keep at it. The rewards at the end of that journey are tremendous.

Thank God...your back!! I am so glad you are still here... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Bump....

LB we are here for you...

Lostbird -

Please keep posting here. We need you. You are almost the only WS that still posts here. We need to hear from you.

Take A Chance:
Sorry for not replying sooner to your post in which you outlined a variety of options - seven I believe. On so many days, the last option -- being totally alone -- seems so appealing. I know isolation is not the answer but on days like this and so many others, the thought of knowing that being alone, responsible only for yourself and not being the cause of someone else's pain is practically nirvana.

The least appealing options are those involving both my W and an OW -- exactly the situation in which I find myself now. Then what the heck (stronger word preferred) am I doing with my life? Looking at those options and evaluating each on an emotional and moral level is a valuable exercise, if done with a considerable dose of honesty.

It's a worthy exercise and thanks for sharing it.

LB

Kily:

Sorry you have gone through the same thing -- battling depression. It's no day at the beach and yes, sitting down and admitting faults and weaknesses is never easy, especially for someone like me. But I went in prepared with a list of things that concerned me -- things beyond the infidelity. Having given it some thought in advance, it probably helped with the diagnosis since we didn't have to spend several sessions pulling information out of me. I went in and spilled it -- as much as I can spill it. Just the same, I was rather pleased with my approach as it was completely out of character.

Hindsight is always 20/20 and yes, I should have taken that step months ago. Well, I tried once before but in all honesty, the doctor I saw must have picked up his degree from the Haight-Ashbury district in the late 1960's. Even I was stunned by some of his advice.

Stepping back and getting my head together is good advice. I don't have the luxury of stepping too far back. Time and I aren't on friendly terms.

You accurately described depresion as an empty hollow feeling. That is so true and most can not imagine it unless they have experienced it. My W is fortunate. She's a well adjusted, mentally and emotionally strong type. So often she has asked me how I feel about this or that. Heck, my feelings are so far removed, it's a long distance call and most of the time, no one answers. Empty and hollow describes it.

Like many, I've done a good job disguising depression with the proverbial clown face. Practically everyone that knows me would be shocked.

I'll get through it. Hopefully, we will.

Thanks for your post and encouragement.

LB

LB-

I understannd completely what you're saying about the feelings that you have being broadcast through a pipeline from a far away place. Basically, your pain has become so great that over time you began to bury everything inside. It is a coping mechanism that you learned when you were young. You also compartmentalize a lot I'll bet...basically living each part of your life as if the other part has no effect on what you're doing at this very moment. The end goal is to become integrated...it's hard but you will get there if you keep going to therapy. I found that the more I went, the more I was eager to fix things.

One thingI want to point out to you that you haven't considered is that comment you made about your wife...

Think about what you said about yourself...you described howyou wear a mask to hide what's really going on inside. Then you describe how "together" your wife is. For one mmoment can nyou possibly consider that sshe also wears a mask because it's HER way of hiding what pain she feels? Your pattern is to bury your pain, her's manifests differently...she's not strong and has all the answerss because she is human...she's a woman that was devastated because her husband became so lost that he had to escape...

I know what that feels like LB, I escaped too.

Forget about hurting others...focus on your pain. To be honest with you, unless you heal your own pain you could never be a real partner to anyone else.

I also want to give you peremissioin to send that NC letter. It's okay for you to release yourself from the prision that you've created for yourself.

LB-
I'm going to sshare somethting with you that's really hard to talk about. I fell into an A after hitting a deep depressive cycle in my life. I was so screwed up that what Ireally wanted was just "alone" time so I could figurer myself out. I was so out tof touch with me that I had to discover who I w as and what I liked and dislike out of life. Ssure I was a VERY angry at my son's father because I felt like HE was the reason I was so screwed up. I felt that he was selfish and self centered, and that I really didn't matter to him at all.

In time, i realized that my anger prevented me from seeing how I felt about him. Once I processed who I wass, I started understanding why things got so messed up and althhough he did have his issues, I started to understand what mine were and how they contributed to the problems.

I wanted so much to go home and work at it. I had learned so much and I knew that if he just gave me even 24 hours of a chance that I would beable to earn anothher 12 hours. I was willing to take it hour by hour if I had to in order to demonstrate to him that i was completely different and 1000% committed to making this commitment to him.

Well, you do know the story somewhat...he met someone else. What I really haven't put into words completely is the pain that I feel every day because I worked so hard, recognized my real feelings, but was rejected when I finally got to the point of humbling myself enough to let go of my wall of proteection and beg to come home.

I now find myslef in a situation where I'm forcing myself to move on. I know that what I want will never happen again but there's still a small part of me that prays every day that he'll come to his senses and give me another chance.

Each time DS goes with him on the weekends, I grieve all over again for the family time that I lost with them. There are times when, if I dwell on it too long, I actually want to vomit.

My point in sharing this is that while I was depressed, I couldn't see it. I had to heal first. Once you heeal, you will sstart to understand a little more clearly.

I know that you want to send that letter, that you're just feeling a lot of guilt about how OW is going to be affected by it. Send it. She's a big girl. She will get over it.

Heal yourself and talk to me....I get it from thte core of my being and I truly know what lies in your wake.

i also know what's on the other side and I do care very much what happens to you...

Kily:
Thanks for sharing. I know it was a painful reminder for you.

I am sure burying feelings as you described, is a means of coping by either fearing to face the feelings or their meaning. Being integrated and throwing off the compartmental aspects of life is truly a dream. I had given little thought to that until I read your post. Oh to be integrated!

I will go as often as necessary. And, I will keep you informed of my progress. Thank you again. I truly appreciate your posts.

LB

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lost Bird:
<strong> Take A Chance:
Sorry for not replying sooner to your post in which you outlined a variety of options - seven I believe. On so many days, the last option -- being totally alone -- seems so appealing. I know isolation is not the answer but on days like this and so many others, the thought of knowing that being alone, responsible only for yourself and not being the cause of someone else's pain is practically nirvana.

The least appealing options are those involving both my W and an OW -- exactly the situation in which I find myself now. Then what the heck (stronger word preferred) am I doing with my life? Looking at those options and evaluating each on an emotional and moral level is a valuable exercise, if done with a considerable dose of honesty.

It's a worthy exercise and thanks for sharing it.

LB </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Lost Bird,

Glad to see you made it back. Somethings you said got my attention:

"not being the cause of someone else's pain is practically nirvana."

We are all human beings, LB. By nature, we inflict pain on others. Sometimes we do it by accident, sometimes unknowingly. And sometimes, like WS behaviors, we do it intentionally. So you did it intentionally. You have hurt your wife. You are continuing to do so. Yet you say you don't want to be the cause of anyones pain.

Interesting. Did it ever occur to you that what you are doing now is exactly the cause of pain to your spouse? That being apart IS the cause of her pain? So, if you accept that, why are you still delaying in your decision to end the affair? You say you don't want to be the cause of someone's pain. Well, don't you see that you may be doing just that by your current actions?

You hurt your wife by having an affiar. You are continuing to hurt your wife by not ending it. Yet, you don't want to be the cause of someones pain.

Think about this, LB. Think about what you are saying here. The comment you made and the behavior you are exhbiting are diametrically opposed.

The unswered question, LB. Why do you not want to end contact with this OW? What is it that makes her contact with you so special and so important that you can't give it up? What makes it so important that it is more important than returning to your wife and putting your marriage back on the front burner?

So you said "Looking at those options and evaluating each on an emotional and moral level is a valuable exercise, if done with a considerable dose of honesty."

So, have you done that? Or is that just a passing comment from you? Do it. Answer each homestly. Evaluate each. Picture yourself in each place.

Where do you want to be? What do you want out of your life in terms of a relationship? Which of those options fills that want?

Come back and tell us the answers.

lostbird -

Are the meds helping yet? I too have had depression most of my life. I can look back and see that I had it at a very young age. I always knew something was wrong, but didn't get on anti-D's until this year. They have made a huge change in my life. I hope they will work for you.

Believer:

I will discuss the medication with the doctor today. He prescribed wellbutrin which I had been taking for about a month to stop smoking. I am certainly glad the medication worked for you.

I will keep you posted on today's meeting and what he recommends.

LB

just fyi ... I haven't receive your email.
-rh-

lostbird -

You can get through this. And when it is over, you will feel much better. You will know that you have done the honorable thing.

Right now, I am having second thoughts about filing for divorce. I'm starting to feel compassion for my WH. I know that he did not mean to do this. He is just addicted to the feeling of being newly in love. He has always been such a good man, and this is so out of character for him.

His OW has cheated on her husband 3 times. I believe she will do the same to my WH, because she is so unhappy in her soul. Then he will be completely devastated and realize what a mess he made of his life.

I hope that you will stick with us, so we can help you through this. You must be a good man, or your wife would not still be around. Hang in here.

lostbird -

I need some help from you. I know that you are not an expert, but would like your input as a WS that I respect.

My WH has been with OW for a year. He just fell into the relationship by trying to help her out, when her H was deployed to Iraq. I don't think that either of them planned it.

He comes by every 10 days and wants to reconcile, but cannot stand to be away from OW. She has also left her H and 12 year old daughter to be with my WH.

I was furious at first, but suddenly I am feeling sympathy for WH. He is losing so much and is unable to save himself. He got an offer for a bonus to retire, which he turned down. He has always wanted to retire, but can't now because of his choices.

Now I am at the point where I can't financially continue to do this. I have D papers in with the lawyer. But I want to work this out with H in a non-confrontational way. H wants the place I am living in. I want to sell it - mainly because I don't want OW to be living here. But if we sell it, WH will never have a place to call his own.

So do you have any suggestions? I have gotten over the anger, but don't know how to approach H. Do you as a WS have any ideas how we could both come out ahead?