Last week H decided that it was no longer fair to live with me while still seeing OW. He loves us both but he could not give her up so he decided to move in with her. He moved all of his stuff out on Friday. Somehow I managed to be supportive and control LBs. We had a tearful parting - just like out of a movie. (Note: Been doing a very good Plan A for 4 weeks).

After he left on Friday, I went home to my parents house (3 hrs away) to talk with them and spend the weekend with them. On Saturday (after one night with OW), H calls me and says he realized what a mistake he made...thought about me all night...woke up with her and realized that he just wanted to be with me...to work things out. He broke things off with her (first time he has had the strength for this) and drove the 3 hrs to come get me. We talked alot - he said all the right things...agreed to NC, counseling, spending time on us, relocation if necessary, complete and total honesty etc. After he broke things off with OW, she left and went to stay with her family (14hrs away). She is still there.

So Saturday everything was looking up for us. On Sunday, we woke up together and he said he just had to call her to make sure she was alright. I told him this was not NC. He said he does not want to get back with her but still needs to talk with her a few more times for "closure". He needs to end it but still know that she is okay. Feels guilt for ruining her life. Called her and told me the contents of conversation. Still made it clear to her that it was over, but was helping her decide what she should do now. All of his stuff is still at her house (she is not there though) but he is reluctant to move it out yet. He does not want to move everything back home until he has closure. He even stayed there last night because he does not want to be unfair to me while he still has to wrap things up. She is coming back from her family's house tonight. He says he will avoid her at work, but will have to talk with her when he is moving stuff out. They need to figure out if she will resign or if he will (he knows he cannot work with her anymore)Still says he is comitted to working on our marriage. Still is being honest about their conversations. I am so confused. I feel like I am being jerked around. He's staying, he's going, he wants her, he wants me...He seems like he has made up his mind to work on our marriage but why does he need this extra time...why doesn't he come right home? Is this a positive sign? I told him I cannot have him move back in until true NC and he agrees. I am just afraid she will come back and weaken his resolve to leave her. I feel so tormented.

You are tormented. It is a horrible thing to be going through.

I do not have any words of wisedom to give you, unfortunately. Just that I've been there, done that. Except I didn't really know it until after D-day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Some vets will be along soon. Just wanted you to know someone is hear, and cares about you! Hang in there. It is a rollercoaster ride. They call it that for a reason! Up and down, up and down, until you feel like you are going to PUKE! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And sometimes, you do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

HUGS! Amy

shockednhurt -

Sorry you have to go through this!

NC means just that...NC. Doesn't mean that your H gets to check up on OW or needs to check up on her. That's a load of crap. He's still in the fog and trying to justify contact with OW by checking on her to make sure she's ok. What about you?

Actions speak louder than words. If your H is committed to recovering your M then he needs to do the following:

*Write NC letter (approved by you) and send it.
*Change phone numbers and email addresses so OW cannot contact him.
*Move his stuff out of her home immediately.
*Quit his job and find another one.

IMO, you are being jerked around. Your H is sitting on the fence getting his EN's met by both of you. Don't let him!

Good luck to you. You deserve better than this. Hold your H accountable and make him show you his committment...not just talk about it.

Take care.

sss

Thanks for the responses. These ups and downs are killing me.

Actions speak louder than words. If your H is committed to recovering your M then he needs to do the following:

*Write NC letter (approved by you) and send it.
*Change phone numbers and email addresses so OW cannot contact him.
*Move his stuff out of her home immediately.
*Quit his job and find another one.

My H has agreed to all those things. He just says he needs to "wrap things up" and get "closure" before he does them. I really want to believe this but again, it does feel like I am being jerked around. What should I do about it? I already made it clear that he cannot come home until 100% NC. He says the same thing.

Shockednhurt,

I agree with SSS.Your WH is not over the OW.Look at his actions,not his words which,by the way,are FOGESE.

I think I posted to you before somewhere else? The problem with restarting new threads all over the place is that the people that post to you cannot follow the continuance of your story.

If your WH were truly wanting to reconcile with you,he would do whatever it takes to make ammends.So far you have been dealt wishy washy half truths that add up to ZERO.

Since your DDay was just this past month,then you may need to go into plan B if he still remains undecided about living with the OW.Do not let him come back home until all the criteria have been agreed upon,met and implemented.

Did you do a Plan A before? I'm sorry.I think I have to go back and find the other posts you wrote.I am only answering to this one topic and I feel like I don't have all the pertinent info.

I'll be back.


O

Ok.I went back and found your other posts on JFO,Plan A/B and GQII.

It is my personal opinion,and others here may not agree with it,that once the WS is off living OW/OM then you should be in Plan B.Maybe not everyone but certainly most, as I have been thinking about this a lot lately.

You are not sure what to do know because your WH is feeding you lines that are keeping you hooked into the cake fest.So,if I were you,I would write him a Plan B letter(PBL) and let him know that you would be willing to discuss reconciliation but on such and such terms,the most important one being NO further contact with that OW.

**One note of importance here too: if you had told us that you had just found out about your WH A and it was a matter of a few months time,I would not recommend Plan B but rather Plan A.Since your WH has been in this A for almost a year now,that is my reasoning for a Plan B sooner.

Your WH has had PLENTY of time,IMO,to have made some decision about whether or not he wants to be with OW(assuming this is the same OW he has had the EA with since 3/03) or you but he has made NO choices still after all this time.He parked himself on that fence and has been there ever since.I say it's time to up the ante.I think that your WH is only giving you lip service because the A is out.

Just how long WH will need for this "closure" is not known.As an example,my WH told me very similar things when the A was outed,that he would end the A ,stop contact,that he was sorry and was "100% committed to working our marriage..." blah blah blah.Told this to both me and our families,then 2 weeks later I found out he was still in contact and then about 2 weeks after that WH wanted a separation.He said all the "right" things but his actions spoke very differently.

Undoubtedly,you will get mixed reviews here on what to do so that will only add to your confusion.Please ask a professional what their opinion would be on how to handle this if you just can't be clear on what to do.We can only give you "advice" based on our own experiences and knowledge.

O

O, thanks for the advice. I am not sure whether or not I should Plan B yet. In a previous post Ark made a good case for staying in Plan A ("Plan B is not a knee jerk reaction to someone moving out on you"). There seems to be alot of mixed reviews on when to move to Plan B. I am still not sure.

I just talked with H a few minutes ago. He still says he wants to work things out but is just not ready to break off all contact with OW - he is trying to get to that place. Still looking for "closure" and admits that there is a possibility that he won't get it. Doesn't want to make any promises to me, just wants to see how it goes. He is planning to see her tonight and again reinforce that it is over, but wants to see how he feels after that conversation. He is planning to stay with a mutual friend for the next few days. I'm just glad he won't be staying with her. I think that his seeing her will weaken his resolve. He is obviously not over her. But where does that leave me?

I just talked with H a few minutes ago. He still says he wants to work things out but is just not ready to break off all contact with OW - he is trying to get to that place. Still looking for "closure" and admits that there is a possibility that he won't get it.


This says 2 things to me...

Your marriage is being set up for a "false recovery" ....

and....


Plan B if he does not want to have NC by the end of this week.


Doesn't want to make any promises to me, just wants to see how it goes.

blah blah blah

He's saying the same things to HER!

He is planning to see her tonight and again reinforce that it is over, but wants to see how he feels after that conversation.

What the heck!

He is planning to stay with a mutual friend for the next few days. I'm just glad he won't be staying with her. I think that his seeing her will weaken his resolve. He is obviously not over her. But where does that leave me?

My serious opinion is that YOU are in an EXCELLENT position for a very effective Plan B

Pep

How goes it today?

I talked to H once today. Still feeding me the same lines. Still confused...wants to work things out but not ready for NC. Wants to be sure...blah blah. Stayed with OW last night but plans to stay with mutual friend for the rest of the week. I really feel like I have to move to Plan B. I mean, I am supposed to be supportive when he tells me he stays at her house? I feel like I am an enabler. The only upside is that he is brutally honest with me. Tells me all the details of their conversations, etc. and feels genuine guilt about what he is doing and that it hurts me. I told him that just because he is honest with me, does not give him a permission slip to do things that are wrong.

I have a counseling session with Jennifer Harley tonight so hopefully she can let me know if Plan A or B is right for me now. I will post again after my session with her. Thanks for the support.

Oooh Goodie.Do let us know how things go with Jennifer.

I did want to point out one thing from your last post.I think you should tell your WH that you have heard enough about OW.Until he is in NC,he needs to stop unloading on you so he can feel better.That,to me,is the sole reason for his detailed account of his A.Honesty is not the main goal for him IMO.What is true and what is false remains to be seen at this point.

Your WH will NEVER be sure of anything if he keeps leading this double life.He is neither here nor there,he is everywhere. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />


O

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shockednhurt:
<strong> He said he does not want to get back with her but still needs to talk with her a few more times for "closure". He needs to end it but still know that she is okay. Feels guilt for ruining her life. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">RED ALERT!
Raise the Shields!!!

He feels guilty for ruining her life?? What nonsense!! He and she attempted to ruin YOUR life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> She was part of that attempt! What the H**L does she expect, a medal?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

This woman knowingly had an affair with a married man. She knowingly agreed to share a home with him. SHE IS REPSONSIBLE FOR HER OWN STUPID DECISIONS.

Your husband 's #1 concern should be YOU!
She does not need closure. YOU need closure so you can feel safe with him. Do not be decieved. Until he is genuinly commited to NC he is not being a husband worth having back.

O, thanks for the tip. The problem is that I am one of those BS that has a need to know everything - all the details. But at this point, the details are becoming too painful for me to hear and my H's total disregard for my feelings is tough.

Justin, you are right that my H's priority should be me and that right now he is not worth having back.

In a nutshell, this was Jennifer's advice: Continue with Plan A for a week or so more. Show him that I care, that I want this to work and I know we can have those passionate feelings in our marriage in addition to history, family, etc. Write Plan B letter in the meantime and be ready to deliver. Keep my taker in check and avoid trying to educate him with logic. The fact that he is totally in my face about the A will make Plan A too difficult to endure for an extended period of time. There is a chance he will come out of the fog but it is not likely. More often, the passionate feelings in the A will have to die a natural death before he will be able to break things off with OW (who knows how long this can take). She reiterated that his actions prove that this is an addiction. He WANTS to work things out in the marriage and WILLS it but his feelings and drive were so strong they overpowered his WILL. He has probably never had such intense emotions (and likes it) and therefore cannot uphold the decisions his mind makes. Hopefully he will realize that his craving ends up hurting everyone and he will put in the extraordinary precautions necessary to ensure NC. Right now he cares about us both, but has strong passion feeling for her in addition. Once those feelings fade, he will wonder what he has done. When/if he comes back he will be very tired and weak and that is why I must be strong. This past weekend was just a dip in the roller coaster ride...there may be many more.

Anyhow, I hope that passing along some of what Jennifer said may help some others. I'll keep you updated.

Shockednhurt - thanks for your update. I am SO glad to hear that you had a session with Jennifer. I will be thinking of you and wishing you strength.

Chickadee