My husband and I have been talking a lot lately mostly about his feelings because whenever I talk about mine they are dismissed. I found out about the affair two days after my last chemo treatment. I am now five weeks into radiation and then done with cancer treatments. The problem is that this whole thing has made me sicker than the cancer!!! What sense does that make. I can't eat, sleep, barely function, and worse of all my self esteem is non existant. I feel so empty. I am trying to figure out what is going on. One moment I just want a divorce to end the pain and then I rememer all the years we have together, the two lives we created and I don't want to give up yet. He is in the no contact stage not really because he wants to be but because OW has not contacted him since the end of Jan. when he sent her an e-mail stating he was going to try to work things out with his wife. I am not sure what he is truely thinking. He is honest but sometimes to much so and I know I have to hear these things but it hurts so much to know that he actually told another woman that he loved her. It makes me sick, literally. I know I have to deal with my feelings or I will loose my mind. He does not see my pain, just like I did not see his when OW moved out of the area and left him heart broken. I thought he was over it more than he is since he confided in me that he still thinks of her a lot and it is very hard for him not to contact her. I know that at times when I tell him I love him it sounds so empty to me I can't believe he doesn't hear it. I am starting to feel nothing whatsoever when he holds me, kisses me, or makes love to me. My thoughts lately are that I need to find someone that I matter to..anybody. Scary stuff this recovery...more so than surgery was that's for sure!
