Here is my story:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=004133#000006

My FWW has finally been tested for STDs and HIV. The STDs were negative, the HIV results come back today. I am a little nervous. After she told me, I thought it was OK since it had been 7 years (and probably is OK). But she and I were both a little surprised when the nurse said that symptoms would usually show up in the first 6 years. SIX YEARS!! -- THAT'S SCARY.

Anyway, we have made incredible progress. Somtimes I fear we are in a honeymoon phase and other times I just feel we are rapidly healing. Only time will tell. I do have up days and down days -- and not one day goes by without some sadness -- but the highs are a little higher and the lows are less low.

My W has said she will post her thoughts at some point, but it's not likely in the next couple of weeks.

I'll give an update when we know something. In the meantime, I really have found strength in reading here.

Tests OK. Led to a good discussion of her fears about the test. Looks like it may be a good night.

Todd - Great to hear the tests came out okay. Now that's one less thing to face. Good luck and keep us informed of what's happening.

Todd,

Have either you or your W considered what role her undisclosed A had on your marriage for the last 7 years? If you have not, discuss it, bring it up with your counselor. Guilt, and hiding things such as an A often cause the deteriorate the marriage because the WS often pulls back to protect the secret and who they really are.

I hope things continue to go well with you and your W.

God Bless,

JL

Listen to JL. My WW did exactly that. Over the years she pulled back until she rebuffed every attempt I made to improve our marriage. I guess improving the marriage was not good for the affair so she didn't want to do it.

JL's insights are remarkable. Is the guy spying on me? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

JL - yes, we have discussed it.

I truly believe that many of the issues we have dealt with over the last 7 years are a direct result of the BIG LIE. The lie (the "undisclosed" part of the undisclosed A) has colored every single thing we have done. I have often begged to have her open up to me and be 100% honest about everything. Not because I suspected an A, but because I always felt she was pushing her feelings down inside.

My W cannot have children due to bad "plumbing" and we went through several unsuccessful attempts at in-vitro fertilization. During this time, we both believe she "learned" how to shove her emotions down inside to avoid the pain. The attempts at in-vitro ended shortly before the A. Afterward, she used the new "skill" of holding back. She kept up the lie for 7 years. In the meantime, all my (admittedly poor) attempts to have a totally honest relationship were failing. This frustrated me - and she would blame me for our marital problems. My W "pulling back" is an appropriate description.

In fact, a couple of years ago we met with the same counselor (elder at our church) when my W called him in to help us "fix" our M. The first thing he asked was "has there been an infidelity in the marriage?" Of course we both answerd "no" (me truthfully, her lying). We struggled though the last couple of years without MC because I always felt we could work hard at it ourselves. Did I mention I've always been skeptical of counseling because I was constantly psycho-analyzed by my father growing up? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

But, I digress. The bottom line is that YES, the lie has had enormous consequences on our M. In fact, I have essentially accepted the A at this point (her poor self-esteem following unsuccesful in-vitro, my somewhat controlling nature, etc.) but am struggling mightily with the lie. I question EVERYTHING that has happened since the A. The good memories are still good, but diminished (like when we adopted). My W does not understand this, but she is trying. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It's weird the little things I wonder about. My W wanted me to travel some with my job (preferred it). I asked today if that was linked to the A -- not that she was trying to have another. I'm not quite even sure how it would link, but I asked anyway. She said "NO", but rather it was linked to my controlling nature. Of course, I think I became more controlling because I FELT her pulling away and responded the way I knew how at the time.

I'd better stop now, or I'll really get on a roll! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Todd, as one who as adopted children, let me assure you that infertilty should not be a major issue in a marraige. When you get that little baby or young child, he or she is yours. There is no doubt. The genetics don't mean a thing.

It's easy to be a father, but it takes somebody special to be a daddy.