</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dadto3boys:
<strong> I just turned in my letter to the OW, I feel horrible, I let her down we were so good together.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your thoughts and feelings are typical of a good man who has been forced to make a decision where somebody has to lose. In this case, three of you lose (six if you count the boys!).

Good people don't like to hurt other people. But remember this, please: OW is an adult woman who decided that a married man was the appropriate choice to fill her needs. She is responsible for making her poor decision in this regard, just as you are responsible for yours and Mom is responsible for her part in the marriage suffering.

Just don't let your feelings have control. Each of you will have to sort through his or her own pain and none of you can blame the other for it. However, you and Mom can help with each other's pain. That is your place. FOW will find her support, too. She wasn't an island before she took up with you. She'll reconnect with her support system, even if she had put them on hold while she engaged in this grand fantasy with you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dadto3boys:
<strong> I need help getting through the first weeks, I just want to pick up the phone and call her. She was my emotional life line for 2 months and now what? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now you get to go through withdrawal. Soon you will get to see just how much pain and sorrow you brought to your family (because right now you really have just touched the tip of the ice berg and your own pain is too sharp to really see that of Momto3boys' and the kids). You get to feel guilt and remorse. I can't sugar coat this. It just is what it is.

However, you will also find a peace as time goes on and life returns to "normal." (Normal should not be defined as normal pre-affair. Normal will take on a whole new meaning for you and Mom if you work on your marriage together). You will begin to breathe a sigh of relief that you got out when you did, that you had a wonderful woman willing to wait and help you through the tough times. Eventually, you'll wonder at how thick the fog in your head was when you lost your soul. Happiness can't begin to describe the way you will feel to have regained your soul, your marriage, your wife and family.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dadto3boys:
<strong> Yes my wife and family are happy but I have yet to reconnect and don't know if I will. What if I get to feeling like I made a huge mistake and now she is not there anymore. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is part and parcel of the withdrawal and the only answer is TRUST. Trust that small still voice inside of you that says you were right to give up OW. Trust your wife when she says she loves you and it will be all right. Trust the vets here who have been where you are and got through this and are now in happy, fulfilling marriages. This can be your future, too. Not only can but will if you give it your all.

Welome to MB, Dadto3boys. It's a rollercoaster, but there's nothing like surviving it and falling back in love with your spouse, forever.

~ Snow

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dadto3boys:
<strong> I still fear 2 years from now I will be back in my state of quiet desperation feeling unfullfilled and needing sex. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I couldn't resist a quick answer to this. Before the affair, there were many reasons our love life (read: sex) was almost non-existant. The reasons turned out to be pretty typical and are neither here nor there. The solution was to meet each other's needs. When you're done reading SAA, pick up His Needs, Her Needs. This book got the gears turning in both of our heads and, well, our love light started to burn brightly VERY soon after d-day. We're approaching the two-year mark and all I can say is "wooo-hoooo!!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It's not the "comforts of home" wearing off that make us vulnerable. It's the lack of putting each other first and meeting each other's needs that makes the home life all work and no play (and that, in turn, makes us vulnerable). I've had it both ways, and let me tell you, I am never going back to a dull, comfortable, predictale, sexless marriage! Learn about each other and you won't have to, either. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

~ Snow

Hi Dad,

I am sorry you are hurting. You did make the right choice. I am not saying that because I am A wife. I am NOT a BW. I lurk on MB ..I finally registered to post to your wife.

I have forever looked for a support board for "Medical Marriages" The ones that exsist are for med students or residents. My H has been in private practice for 12 years. I am an RN by degree but currently I take care of the family.

It does take a very strong woman to be married to a Physician and keep the family together.
I am proud of Momto3boys.
I know you are in a bad way right now so I will reserve comments about OW. I will say that it would be best that you have as little as contact as possible. I will also say that her comment about to being worse for you to go home to your wife and family SPEAKS VOLUMES about her. OW does not know your W, she also has a child..
Could she just walk out on her child??? But she expects the man she loves to walk out on 3 without a fight?? Thats all I will say..

I am very impressed and happy that you came here.
I know the people here especially those that have gone through what you have can help you.

Take one day at a time....

Hi dad 2 three boys,

I've read your W's posts and chuckled to myself when she mentioned that part about how other men are noticing her now and telling you that...

"The thought kills me, MY WIFE? MY KIDS? MY HOUSE, SOMEONE ELSE LIVING THERE? That did it, no OW is worth that. I will work on the marriage we deserve a second chance"

I did that too, with my own H--and he knew, it would happen, if he left me. It always happened to me anyway, M or not, where guys would show interest, with me remaining on my M soap-box, stood my ground. But when he hurt me that way, I admit, the attentions from other men, AT THAT TIME, were more tempting.

This is important to realize though, that you really are replaceable. If you leave her, and especially since she is a faithful and good-hearted woman, that there WILL be a smart man to come along and realize the pure value in that, alone--that character trait. Honesty is truly a beautiful thing between people and TRUST is built on only that.

So, you'll feel what you do and I hope you two can keep communication lines open through all of it. This will be the new foundation upon which you build a loving relationship.

Sometimes you may feel that it is best to keep back from her what you are feeling. You'll have to ask her if that is what she prefers now to know for sure.

This is no easy thing for any wife to hear, that her husband is thinking and even missing another woman. It will cut her deeply, and yet, she is still willing to be there, for YOU, even now. In my book, that's love at its best.

Peace to you, as you reconcile your conscience with your actions.

Dad to 3;

I am so impressed with your progress. I wanted to suggest another book to you after you read HNHN and SAA. It's another Harley book called Give & Take. It sets the stage for Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) that helps you be successful in the future.

With your willingness and progress so far, I hope you and your wife consider counseling with one of the Harleys. My FWH and I counseled with Steve Harley; and it made an incredible difference right away.

Saved us so much pain. He put us on the fast track quickly. He's wonderful with WS and believe me he kept me in line as a BS too. I found I had as much if not more to learn than my husband.

Regardless, I hope you and your wife both realize that you'll be on the rollercoaster of emotions for awhile. The highs are high and the lows will still be low.

Hopefully you've read the basic concepts here and know what I mean by radical honesty. Any and all contact with your OW needs to be directly communicated to your wife. Your OW may try to contact you to see how serious you are about putting your marriage back together.

I'm 2 years post d-day; and still the OW tries to contact my husband about every 5 months. The first time she tried to contact him after d-day, he mistakenly tried to "protect" me from that knowledge. He told me much later about it; then realized the importance of not delaying honesty.

Steve Harley will tell your wife what to do to make recovery easier on both of you; and most importantly he'll tell her what mistakes to avoid.
My husband was most grateful for those bits of advice. Helped our healing and recovery by leaps and bounds!

Blessings to you and Mom! CSue

HI Dad....i too have been following your W's posts.

Just something i had to comment on when you said

"I still fear 2 years from now i will be back in my quiet state of desperation of feeling unfullfilled and needing sex."

My H and i are almost 2 years in recovery now, and beleive me the sex is great and very ,very, frequent. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Our marriage is so much better now than it ever was in 18 years.

Your withdrawal from OW will be very hard and painful, but it will lessen. I remember one nite, i held my H while he cryed from missing her, your W will help you through this, her love in unconditional. You will get your strength from her love.

You've come to the right place, everyone here is wonderful. Please try to read some of the books the others have mentioned. The principals here teach you to have a much better marriage than before (hey, im living proof of that). Just meeting each others needs have made our marriage what we both want it to be.

We are so much more in love now, and it feels great. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It will happen for you and mom too.

A/C0810

d 2 3 b,

Welcome to MB. Believe it or not, through the pain this is a positive step. As for your current pain of the OW, it is temporary. Many an Xws here can attest to that fact.

Pray for patience, a clear mind and a calm heart. Work on communication with your family. Get with a good MC. Counsel with Steve if you can, he is quite good.

Will you have bad days? Yes. The A did a number on your emotional status. Your W will need your support, reassurance and love. So will your boys. Right now though you need to do some healing.

I have seen that the ones who tend to heal the best are the ones that reach out and help others. This is a good place to start. As for your personal recovery, I recommend the book His Needs/Her Needs by Dr Willard Harley.

When you can, sit down with your W and both of you take the EN questionnaire. It s/b quite revealing.

Remember this recovery will take time but with POJA and radical honesty implemented, it will get better.

I am going to recommend a few others stop by and visit your thread. If you get a chance to read Trueheart's letter to the WS, Trueheart is an Xws and he wrote that letter to my WS when mine was quite deep in the thick of the fog. Like yourself, my WS eventually learned that the A was his choice to start and his decision to stop. It took quite a while but he is recovering. He even meets with some from MB about once a month. We are going to visit with Redhat and his family this weekend.

See it gets better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

take care,
L.

Dear Dad, I want to commend you on your bravery for coming to this site, and being so honest and brave. My H has had NC for a month and is in serious withdrawal. I have been recommending he come here for support. I am going to suggest he read this thread.

You have a taken a major step to be with such a quality woman and your children. You know what you have with Momto3boys. You have a woman who has and is sticking with you through the worst of times. Can you truthfully say you know that about OW? It takes tremendous love and strength to love the way your W loves you. Hang in there, and feel better about yourself, because you have taken the step to regain your life. A life of love, honesty, and integrity. I'm rooting for you both. CV

I would like to read TRUEHEARTS letter can someone direct me to what section and page please.. THanks.

Dadto3, We are still in the same boat. HAng in there. Like I say I'm TRYNHARD..

Dad,
I am so happy that you are here and that you realize the treasure your family is. Fight for them, you all deserve happiness together!

I really can't offer any better advice that what others have given, good job MB'ers! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I do want to offer encouragement and tell you that you are a strong man to post here and lay it on the table. Keep reading and God bless your family! Ladysing

Welcome aboard Bubba!

If you get that urge to call OW come sit by me, I'll help ya by breaking fingers til the urge passes :-) (Teasing).

What I wanted to say to you I wrote on your wife's thread but I'll summarize it here:

You are in for a little bit of a rollercoaster and yes, it will suck.

..but knowing that you are no longer a liar and a cheat and have a chance to make it right is awesome isn't it????

Hang in there and KEEP YOUR [censored] HERE!!!! I got beat up here early on for all the things you are feeling but y'know what? The firends who pat you on the back for an affair are not friends, the ones who help you regain your self-respect and integrity by helping you figure out how to be a better, stronger man are friends worth having.

You screwed up - and you did so pretty dramatically but OK there is no time machine.

...there is a chance to become the kind of man whose sons are proud of not because he never made mistakes, but because when he did he didn't blame anyone else, didn't make excuses but instead he made up for them, learned from them and became a better man as a result.

One sentence explanation of what to do next?
Do not have any contact, of any kind, for any reason with the OW and do not lie to, hide anything from or stop apologizing to that wife of yours.

Welcome home.

TRYNHARD....here is a link to Truehearts letter truehearts Letter

I gave my H this letter about a week ago and it hit home with him, but he was so deep into FOGLAND I think he just brushed it aside!

H spoke to OW this morning....He is the director of a nursing home and the nursing home paged him so he had to call them back. Well, it was OW on the other end. H was so happy and in such good spirits when he left this morning. He was happy to hear my voice, then after he spoke to HER, he was sad and withdrawn. he said he couldn't stop thinking about HER. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Can you all Please explain to my H that NC means just that NO CONTACT! I do realize that this was not HIS fault. She just wanted to "hear his voice" PUKE! BUT, maybe ya'll can tell him how to avoid any future contact with her. he may say he can handle it, but it has been proven today that he CANNOT handle it. He cannot speak to her again. It will only move in in the opposite direction we were going this morning.

Keep the posts coming for Hubby, he needs all the support he can get and he says it is really helping him see the light and get thru this. Thank you!

Ouch,
He was doing so well. He does not need to hear her voice... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

If he is the director of the nursing home and they page him, I guess he will have to take the call.

He must write a no contact letter today. Include in it that if she contacts him from the nursing home, he WILL hang up the phone. She is manipulating him, it's working. Is there a way to end all contact in the work environment. It is going to be a continued problem...

Maybe you,(Mom) can answer all the phone calls. This may put a quick stop to it.

Hang in there. Remember, NO CONTACT means just that. It's black and white, gray areas are very dangerous...

Find a new arrangement for returning calls to that facility. Maybe Mom could return those calls so you can avoid OW.

I cheated on my husband. I've gone through what you are going through.

It wasn't until I was totally away from OM that I could really see clearly what he was all about.
Thought he was the love of my life though. That destiny or fate had brought us together.

Breaking up a family for a lover is a pretty rotten thing to do. I personally couldn't live with myself -- never in my entire life have I gone through so severe a depression! I couldn't understand why either of these men were so stupid to want ME in their life.

This program is awesome for fixing what is broken. You will be very glad you are here!

Dear Dr. Dad, every time you have contact with the OW it puts you right back to DAY 1 of recovery. Its like quitting smoking but having a few cigarettes here and there. The end result is that you NEVER WITHDRAW and eventually go back to smoking.

Except in this case, you also put your W right back to Day 1 in HER recovery. So please have your W return the calls from that nursing home. OW will get the message pretty quick.

Hang in there, it won't be like this forever.

Momto, thanks for the reply. Dadto, everyone's right. I no how you feel, OW called me today, she was crying and very upset. Hurts my feelings. But we both gotta quit with the contact to go forward. I think we both have the right intentions. Be strong and I will try to do the same. I could use some words of encouragement myself... I do not work with the OW, but it is still hard. Good luck to U and momto.

went to the track today to get my mind on something else, it was working until I returned a page from the Nursing home OW works at. She tried to sound professional but I could hear the pain and longing in her voice. She gave me a detailed account of the problem I needed to address, too detailed I thought almost to keep on the line hoping I would break down. I did not I got off the line as quick as I could. It left me empty and depressed for 2 hours. But thankgod for the track, before long I was flying around in a state of total focus, so much so I blocked out the flaggers who were telling me to get off the track as I was oblivious to everything but catching the car in front of me. I never do that I am always aware, I was in a trance. The day went ok but everywhere there were reminders, I took her to the track with me last time and had a great time, now I was there alone. I drove by the hotel we stayed at and felt ill. Despite this I got top time and I don't care cuz I was supposed to tell her all about it today. I wish I had not brought her there since it is something I love to do and now I have screwed it up by thinking about OW. I feel like I should comfort her but I can't. I feel like it is not fair to her. I want to hold her and make it right again but I can't. I have little choice but to answer my pages so this is hard, I feel I have the selfcontrol because I am realizing how much pain and suffering this has all caused. She seems so vulnerable but I know she will be fine, I just need to remind myself SHE CHOSE THIS PATH WITH ME, and now it's time to pay the piper. The next big hurdle will be seeing her at work wich wikk happen due to my obligations. I feel strong enough to do this later but not now, if she starts to cry I will fold, so I need time away maybe 3 weeks or so at which time I have to go there. This is the worse part of an A at work.

Dad,
Your post shows how attached you still are to the OW. I did not see you mention your wife, only how bad you feel about the OW. You drove by the hotel? You heard the longing in her voice? You want to hold her and make things alright? Do you see what is going on here?

You have not let go and neither has she. Your marriage is in serious jeopardy if you allow yourself to be consumed with thoughts of her and not your wife and three sons. You MUST end contact with her. Write the no contact letter and tell her that someone else at the nursing home needs to contact you if there is a problem.

Do you want to save your marriage or not? You decide, you make the necessary changes to put yourself on the road to recovery. The OW will destroy your marriage if you continue to allow it. It is your choice.

Dad,

Hang in there. It will get better.....

You are getting a lot of good advice here on how to handle these business pages from OW. When you get one at home, let your wife call and get the message. If OW is just making these calls to keep you thinking of her, she will knock it off right quick, I promise, when Mom is the one who keeps calling back.

But what about when she calls and you're out somewhere else? I like this idea:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Ladysing58:
<strong> .....tell her that someone else at the nursing home needs to contact you if there is a problem. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I know you wrote a no contact letter. But you left out a lot that could have/should have been said to OW. And now OW is thinking that her breakthrough point will be through business contact. And she is going to make use of it. This has to end.

So, what about Ladysing's idea? Tell OW she is not to be the one to contact you, EVER. Think she has to make the call sometimes? Think again. Bring in a third party at the home, one you can trust. Tell them the whole story and that you want to maintain no contact and from now on you request that person to do the paging when necessary. Ask them to tell OW that she is never to contact you, EVER, and that all pages will now be handled by them.

It is possible. Embarrasing, sure. Risky, a little. Not as risky as losing your wife and family, though.

Please don't think I am unsympathetic. My husband's second affair was at work. Neither he nor OW quit their jobs, but they did what they could: worked different hours and asked others to do the calling to the other when a need arose.

Surely you can go to that home when OW is not scheduled to work. Surely you can have someone else handle the paging. Think. There is a way.

But don't kid youself. If you work together, there WILL be contact. As much as it killed me, there was occassionally contact between my FWH and OW at work. It made recovery take a lot longer. It hurt like hell.

My husband left that company a few months ago. I can't tell you how much better I feel knowing there will be no more contact. Your wife will always feel a chain around her heart and trust will suffer while both you and OW work for this company. That's just the truth.

There is one more way to end contact, though you won't want to hear it. Quit your job. Many do it. Many with lots of responsibilities, just like yours. It is a solution that has many benefits.

~ Snow

Dad,

Almost forgot. Here's an idea, it's called "reclaiming" around here.

Take your wife with you to the track. Build new memories with her that will replace the ones of OW at the track.

It might sound silly, but it works. FWH and I reclaimed many "sites" this way and now my husband only thinks of the things we last did there, not the time he spent with OW there.

Hope this helps.

~ Snow