My husband and I have been seperated for 14 months. We have a legal seperation and place and we have one son.

Husband has been "dating" and is now coming to visit son this week. He is bringing his current ow with him to visit. I told H I don't want her near my son. I think it shows a lack of respect for me as his wife and the mother of his son. I know we have been seperated for a long time and that's suppose to make it ok. It doesn't make it ok to me though. I am upset and hurt. I love him.

Why can't I let him go? He has treated me so unkindly but yet I still want him as my husband. I know I'm nuts. I don't want to live my life like this.

I don't know what to do and I am becoming physically ill thinking about him being with her here. This is our hometown. We have memories here. Why would he possibly want to bring her here?

Lunadove

Sorry to hear that your WH is using such poor judgement. It is good for your son to see his father, so I would just ignore the fact that OW is around. All it will do is make you sick.

Are you taking care of yourself and getting out and doing things? That really helped me. I joined a women's Bible study group, go out with friends, etc.

It has been a year for me. I feel like I am in recovery, though WH is still with OW.

Thanks for the quick reply Believer. Yes, I keep busy. I work every day and have meetings at night. I found a great church that I really like and I have friends I talk to. Not many I hang out with though. I spend a lot of time alone and I like it. I asked him not to bring her here. All she will do is cause problems for everybody. I am upset. Extrememly upset.

I don't know how you get over being upset, but I finally did it. I guess reading and posting here helps.

I started out completely miserable - like a zombie at work. It was awful. Then I decided to take care of myself and get some other interests.

Since last year I have painted the house, rearranged things twice, cleaned, did the yard, started a business, and done tons of things with my friends.

Now just in the last month, the hurt went away. I can talk to WH like a friend, even though he is still with OW.

Your healing will come. I know it is much harder with a little one. My kids are 19 and 22. But I raised them by myself and it was a real struggle. Their dad had no contact with them and paid no child support. I guess that is why I think it is important that your son gets to see his father, OW or not.

In all honesty, I believe son is better off without his dad. He is mean and hurtful. Not just to me but to son too. Son has been doing fine without having his dad near. I don't want the ow around him and I told H that he shouldn't bring her around unless there is a future for them. If she is not going to be around long, (like the last two ow) then don't bother introducting son. Son is smart and will figure out that she is dad's girlfriend.

Has he always been hurtful and mean to his son?

LunaDove,

Don't kick yourself in the rear end. I was a venting wall for OMxW for 2.5 years, she finally has no love left for her xH last month. Eveyone has different time to get out of "BS's fog" and say no mas (no more).

The real key in here is to identify why ... OMxW's father was an alcoholic and she was "rescue kid" in the family. So her tolerance of pain and codependency is very high. OM finally passes her tolerance's bar and now she is wondering why she wants this man at all. I suggest for you to work on Self Matter Companion & Self Matter book, it might help you out.

One other thing. I have NC with my exW and I will keep it this way as long as she can't be civil & treat me at least w/ respect. However I won't keep my 2 D from her. It is up to my 2 D to decide if they want to go to her house or not. I have no control that OM live there.

-rh-

Yes, please be more specific on how your H is mean and nasty to your son. If there are abuse issues here (emotional as well as physical), it is possible that you can get the "children's aid society" involved (or whatever it's called in your area... child protective services?).

It is WRONG WRONG WRONG to have such young children exposed to this new "mother figure". I had that with one of the visitations last summer when the IL's ok'd the ex's GF to come along for access. They actually went and picked her up from work!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> But some people are just too damn fixated on THEIR selfishness and 'happiness' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> , that they cannot see the harm they are doing to the little ones. (my 4yr old thought that the OW was replacing me, and was rather upset.... the poor kid still thinks that mommy and daddy are still going to get back together, once we find daddy that is <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .).

I still think you should happen to be away on vacation when he arrives. Perhaps use that time to get more legal advice, and see about supervised visitation maybe? (with such a LONG time between visits, even your H is a stranger to your son... that should hold some weight in the courts, right? I know it does here in Ontario).

(((((((( LunaDove )))))))))

My air matress is still available for you and your son in my rec-room/play room if you want to make the trip up here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

Redhat and Topie,
Thanks for the replies. I'm feeling better this morning. I was just taken by surprise last night considering I had talked to him on Thursday and he said he was "alone" and "through with women." Now he says he's happy having sex with which ever woman he wants.

redhat,
This woman he is bringing down is not going to be a permanant fixture in his life. She is 20, he is 26. He doesn't want marriage or a future with her or so he says. I see no point in my son meeting someone who will not be a permanent fixture in his life.

Topie,
Thanks again for the offer. I know that I can't run and hide from him. He will be here a week and a half. I am upset he will be staying at his dad's house with her. We have a lot of memories there together. In all honesty, I don't know why he is bringing her. He had just been dumped by ow2 and is already on to #3.


I know God will give me strenght to deal with whatever situation h decides to put us through.
Lunadove

H is in love with new ow. I can't compete. She is on a road trip with him and they say they are in love. She says she will be there for the long haul. Not like his past ow who have left him.

Lunadove

I don't believe it. I"m sorry... but didn't you say the OW is only 20 yrs old this time? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Okay, okay... so yes, SOME 20 yr olds can truly be in love... but this is all in an A setting and beginning. It can't possibly work for the "long haul".

You have a multiple offender for a husband Lunadove. I had one of those too. Remember... it's not about the OWen... it's about the WS.

Karen

Thanks for the reply Topie. Remember, they don't think it is an affair since we have been seperated for so long.

Also, I was 21 when I married him and he was 19. So the age thing does worry me.

<small>[ April 05, 2004, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: LunaDove ]</small>

Luna:

Your H is using very poor judgement in bringing the OW when visiting your son. You can tell him that you don't approve, then let go of it. Sadly, you have no more control of that than you do of the fact he is seeing the OW. Allow him to be a father to your child. However, you can be the better parent.

His statement to you about seeing as many other women as he wants is probably some cruel slap at you while trying to pump up his own ego and sense of self worth.

Best of luck to you. Be kind to yourself. You are a victim in this mess, not the cause.

LB

Lostbird,
In all honesty, I don't know how visiting his son once a year can be condidered being a father let alone a daddy. He never calls to speak to son because he doesn't want to hurt me. I don't talk to him unless he talks to me. He is suppose to get out of the Army next January but it looks like he is continuing to try and reenlist.

I am preparing myself for the worst with the ow around, but God will make sure I am ok.

Lunadove

Luna,

I was 18 when my WH and I got "serious" about dating and ended up marrying.We have been together almost 20 years now.But like Topie said your WH and the OW relationship began out of an A so that is not a good start and also it sounds to me like your WH is looking for something that is missing in his life and unfortunately he thinks it's with other women who he may feel are going to fill this void.My WH is acting the same way right now and I know he has a lot of growing to do.When we were married,I continued to grow in many ways aside from my WH but I don't think he really did.

So now he is in the middle of a huge life crisis trying to make sense of everything and I'm on the sidelines feeling very secure in who I am and what I want in life.Oh well,his journey.

You know,you'll never have to stop loving your WH but there may be a time when you have to let him go.That seems to be a theme today.Letting our S's go.It's a harsh reality but sometimes our own self discoveries are alone.How much longer do you think you'll stay in this status quo(separation)? Is this what you want? Are you prepared to realize that your WH may no longer be the one to make your dreams a reality? It's scary but it may also be your biggest growth period yet.Who knows.

O

<small>[ April 05, 2004, 02:19 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Octobergirl,
Yes, I am letting him go. I'm tired and weary of the constant hurt. I love him and that will never change though it may fade with time. I've thought about it myself as to whether or not I want to live this way. I don't. He can file for divorce. He can do that much. My dreams will not be met with him like this. There's no guarantee he will change and there is no guarantee he will stay this way. I am going to leave it to God.
Lunadove