I wanted to put as my subject: GLOOMY H JUST LEFT THE HOUSE. Unfortunately since he is coming to this site I now have to censor my subject headings. Thank God he doesn't read my posts.

I have been reading all of Mom's threads, and trying to apply what you all are telling her to me. Of course feel free to give me some advice also because I could use some.

I don't even know what I've said in here lately. I told you all about my LB fest Saturday night. How H got so down he broke down crying the next day and wanted to call OW. He was so anxious last night he felt physically sick. I ended up giving him at least an hour body rub that did calm him down while watching TV. He woke up in the middle of the night crying. I held him until he fell back to sleep, which I guess is a good sign, that he did go back to sleep. Of course he took 2 sleeping pills. However, that has not stopped the insomnia before. I think the crying is a good thing, because just last week he said he wanted to cry but he couldn't.

This morning he looked like he had been run over by a truck. His face has a permanent frown on it. The man is soooooo miserable. It really is hard to believe we can ever find happiness with each other again. As much as I hate to say these words my H fell deeply in-love with OW. Yuck! I hate saying that. Whether it is a fantasy or not, those are his feelings, and he is grieving like crazy. It must have been so heady for him to have a woman 20 yrs. younger gushing all over him.

This morning I just gave him his space. Told him if he wants to be around me, fine, if not that's OK. He chose to be alone, but we hugged several times.

He is still unable to look at her with any objectivity. She saw a marriage therapist H recommended to her over the summer. I remember at the time H actually told me OW said the therapist told her she should leave her H. At the time I thought that was very unusual advice. I know this therapist, and he's very experienced. I've never heard of a MC telling someone to leave the M unless there is extreme abuse, which there wasn't. So yesterday H told me OW saw this therapist one time in IC. Then I knew she was giving my H BULL%%%%. No therapist is going to tell someone to leave their M after one visit of IC. My theory is that my H was guiltridden and she told him this. I could be wrong.

I mentioned to H how I thought the therapist would have never told her that after one visit. H's response, in an aggravated, sarcastic tone: "Ok, OW is a big lier." We couldn't talk any more about it. He doesn't want to hear ANYTHING bad about her. Every now and then he'll admit something, but not now.

I keep asking this question, but I'll ask it again. Is it possible for the WS to get through the fog without actually playing out the A. H's fantasy must have been REALLY good, because he just can't give it up. He is trying, but is so afraid it was the real thing. Because he's so grief stricken he has me believing maybe she is the love of his life.

Please MBers, if H's fog is infiltrating my body would you suck it out of me? While your at it tell me how I can start living my life while with this man that is bringing me down. He is not being mean, thank God. He is very remorseful. He is just such a bummer!

Oh, and this is great for me! His psychiatrist is someone who I work with professionally. He is seeing the man now and is going to tell him everthing to see if anything can be prescribed to help him. He is on Wellbutrin, but his anxiety is so bad. So now H's A will be effecting me professionally. I was so upset by this. Unfortunately it could have taken months to see another Psychiatrist. Great! I get to see this guy tomorrow. Even though I didn't do anything wrong, I'm a very private person, and this is humiliating. Thanks all! CV

CV, isn't it amazing how close we are in comparison to our "recovery"...I am about to leave to go up to H clinic! WHOOPIE! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> But I wanted to comment on ONE thing that stuck out in your post with me..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> No therapist is going to tell someone to leave their M after one visit of IC. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">dont be fooled by this...Our MC told us to end our marriage on the 2nd visit cuz H was so convincing to her. She looked at him straight up and said..

mc: "WH, you sound like you ahve already given up on the marriage"

wh: "yup, I have...a loooong time ago"

mc: "well, bs how do you feel about this"

me: "how the hell do you think i feel about this...this is NOT my H you are tlaking to lady" get a clue.

mc: "well, wh, are you going to file for divorce right away"

wh: "no, no, i have no intentions of divorcing right away" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

mc: "well, bs, you cant change his feelings"

What I want to know is whre the hell this councellor went to school. I agree NO MC should tell a couple, a good devoted couple, to leave the marriage. They are supposed to be there to HELP us RESTORE the marriage. And that is why I like the harleys.

Hey you! I was looking for you earlier. Hm.

As I just told Mom, give it TIME. It is your best ally. It sure is mine.

I am grateful to not have had to see my H go through what yours is, because we were separated.

BUT, I still have had to deal with his "feelings" for her (puke gag). but those feelings are very real for him. Time will show him what they really are, though. And time will show your H as well.

Please believe that if you hang in there, you will be richly rewarded. My H hasn't even been able to say he loves me again yet, but he does now remember that he loved me and married me for good reasons.

He remembers we were happy once, and that we are a great team when we work together. We are now on the same team again.

H has been in NC with OW for almost a week now. I spend as much time with him as possible, and he does the same. He realizes it is a process.

Once your H begins to see some of the things you are telling him come true, he will trust the process more. Also, my H told me that justifying his actions by justifying his feelings for OW has taken a lot of energy. He said that he knows loving me never took that much energy.

Eventually, your H will run out of gas in that department. I promise. It took my H about 2 months. He still had limited contact with OW, but she had a steady BF by then and had made it clear to H that she was no longer interested.

So, be patient. Do things for you. Get your hair done, get a massage. Start looking at this time in a different perspective to make it go faster.

Read my thread. Once things started turning around for H, they happened fast. You could be where I am in a week. In a couple of days.

You just never know.

Lots of love and HUGS!

SS

Mom, I know this therapist. In fact H and I saw him years ago. I highly doubt he would have told OW to leave her M after one IC appt. Plus, how bizarre is it that my H recommends this therapist while the 2 of them are having an EA? Is this not the biggest soup opera of your entire life? I am so not looking forward to being around family for Easter. It's hard enough just being around each other.

Have a GREAT time at the clinic! CV

SS, we must have been writing at the same time. Your situation does give me hope. The thing is your H got to experience life without you. My H just knows what life is like without the precious "B". See what I mean? My H has not had to face what it would be like to be with her with everyone knowing about the A, including his boys. I know that is a deterent for him. At the moment I think it is our kids and his reputation that are holding him back. He is not proud of this A. I just hope at some point he knows in his heart that I am what he wants. That's the part that I'm not sure about. Will he be able to let go of the in-love high to experience what I think is real love with me? I wonder if the only way he will miss me and realize what he's got, is if I'm gone. The thing is that is very risky. I could see him back with OW, hot and heavy for quite a while, before the light of day shines. By that time it probably would be too late.

Thanks for your reply. I always like hearing from you, and I am truly happy for you. CV